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"Unoffical BiA Episode 2 summary"
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Jonnycumlately 206 desperate attention whore postings
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06-12-02, 10:13 PM (EST)
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"Unoffical BiA Episode 2 summary"
LAST EDITED ON 06-13-02 AT 00:06 AM (EST)

Bachelorettes in Alaska #2: "Scenes from a Maul"

Hi folks. I decided to be your summary writer for FOX’s latest embarrassment, Bachelorettes in Alaska. I would have written this sooner, but this is Finals week and I had to spend my time worrying about Daisy Buchanan (although it looked like ol’ Daisy is now calling herself “Rebekah.”) So before we relive episode two, let’s recap what happened in the premiere:

5 Desperate bimbos somehow alienated the eligible dating pool of the lower 48 states. So, they thought, what a perfect time to examine Alaska’s fine selection of tanning-challenged losers. The women chose five pathetic, lonely men saving them a trip to their regular adult-bookstore hangout. Then 4 new losers show up to compete in an ax-throwing contest (Every girl wants a man who’s good with knives right? Did OJ design this competition?) Here we find out about the finger FOX is giving to 100 years of feminism, with the dowry system. Every gal had a date except bitter Cecile. Basically Every man wanted Rebekah, No one wanted Cecile, Sissy fell of her bike with Brent, and Andrea and Karen were non-entities. And now for our feature presentation:

Opening. Explanation of the show and their Survivor-esque buzzwords, yatta, yatta, yatta. Then previously. Awww. I miss X-treme Charlie Brown (Thaddeus) and his day-glo sensibilities. Finally we get things under way. Cue stock footage of Alaskan night. Rebleccha realizing that there isn’t any other man to leech on to yet, is forced to flirt with her choice this week, Jack. In interview she says that she was surprised that all the men wanted her at Proposal Point. Whatever, “Becky” like you shine your high beams in Halogen mode when you were flirting. She notes that she this week’s plaything…er…Jack because he wrote got down on his knees, and Reboinka is relieved that for once she doesn’t have to do it (wow, this show really IS about Role-reversal, eh.) We hear the Jack’s poem: The Director’s Cut (It’s not important. Like Jack) and Rebanka, in an ADD-sensitive interview, reiterates the show’s premise AGAIN for those who haven’t paid attention in the past 4 minutes (re: everyone, including this show’s editor) where she talks about how excited she is to get money added to her dowry. So see, all you Rebucka-haters! She’s no trashy girl. She one of those fancy high-class escorts and don’t you forget it!

Next day: All the girls are ready to go, except Rebekah who needs time to put an entire Macy’s cosmetic counter on her face. Cecile gets feed-up and decided to get Rebrakah a piece of her mind. After some blah-blahing it segues to Cecile lying “Nobody hates you.” The Devil in Blue (un)Dress is of course upset. I mean someone, hate her? Has the world gone Topsy-Turvy? They finally leave and travel by dogsled (Insert requisite “b.itch” joke here.) nothing noteworthy here, except Kristian and his puffy Angelina Jolie lips telling us he’s having trouble communicating with Blandrea. Also, a “comedy” moment happens when Kris and Blandrea tumble from their sled. Misleading edit has Rebekah laughing so she must be thinking about the crash. Or her rich future husband dying. Or starving children. Or something equally as funny to her.

I’m surprised when the wallpaper starts talking and…oh wait, that’s just Karen. Hi Karen! She’s dating younger man Kurt. But Fox doesn’t really care about her, so cut to ReBraga commenting on it, but SHE’s not “secretive” about her age because SHE’S only 27 (Damn, I think the editor cut her off before she can finish, “…for the 7th time, wink, wink”) Now it’s Sissie’s turn to be interviewed about Brent, but is there REALLY anything we need to know about them besides their awful hair? God DAMN, this ride is taking forever, made worse by the use of slow motion and “Now That’s What I Call A Montage” FauxEnya soundtrack.

At the main cabin, Blandrea pretends she still has power over here man, like give it up, FOX. There’s more “female empowerment” in an episode of Donna Reed. Cecile complains that her Man on Ice, Tim is moving too slow. Wait a minute someone is knocking on the door. Let me check it out. Oh it was just Irony and Foreshadowing stopping by. Another ReBrakah shot, by the way.

After stick footage a bear frolicking, we meet the new tools the gals will date. Wow, that’s one talented bear! Look it can stand up by itself and talk and…oh wait, it’s new man Michael, 32. All that hibernating for the winter made Michael rather husky. He wants a “smooth pair of legs” (preferably in a bucket from the KFC.) Next is Billy Bobsled Thorton (aka Jeff, 37) whose southern drawl wants a woman cuz he ain’t getting no younger. Drool. The we see Patrick, 29; and Jason, 26. The guys compete for first dibs at the bimbos by literally catching fish (wow, there’s an easy joke in their somewhere. And no, I don’t mean Rebekah.) Oh but it’s ok though because the fish are being donated to charity. Phew! And all this time, I was worried that it was going to be dumped in a vat of Lil’ Lisa Slurry or something. I dunno. Billy Bobsled wins and picks Cecile making her happy because halibut smells are an aphrodisiac, boys, don’t you know. The remaining girls run over and no one picks the Pillsbury Snow-Boy (three guesses who that is). Wait when Blandrea and Patrick hook up Karen slinks over to him. Rebekah is matched up with Jason. Sissie didn’t get picked. But don’t worry because her “Swiss Miss” make-under was “strategy.” See, she wants to only be with Brent so they can get together and have a couple of Hair-Don’t Jrs, running around so she tried to look unsexy (like she needed any help.) At least this means we can ignore her.

On dates, ReBlahka blahs something about her mom and how she use to date “actors and models” (re: the guy who was 2-second non-speaking extra in Small Wonder and one-time toe-model.) Jason understates that she seems high-maintenance. Blandrea’s date got all his slick moves from that smooth lothario of romance, Adam Sandler, as Pat belches what I recognize to be a stirring musical number from the Frat Boy Follies. Blandrea seems oddly impressed by this disgusting immaturity. I guess she masturbates to Freddy Got Figured or something. Pillsbury Snow-Boy and Karen go fishing. It must be strange for PSB to fish with rods instead of just dipping his paws into the water wildly. He says he appeals to a certain demographic. Yeah, that group is called “blind.” Cecile goes Kayaking with Billy Bobsled then rides in a limo with him. Then things get sinister, Cecile is attacked by a Vulcan nerve pinch that eerily looks like a massage. Cecile is all smiles, but she must be in agony because she’s getting ATTACKED people.

After commercials, we get a “Parental discretion advised” warning because exposing your children to a shrill, exaggerating drama queen can be hazardous to their health. In an interview Cecile, gives an ultimatum to Tim saying he’s outta there if he doesn’t make more of an effort. Cecile, the most popular girl at Hyperbole High, claimed that Billy-Bobsled mauled her (oh, whatever, Beth S.) Everyone eats dinner. Hey look the Pillsbury Dough-Boy said something intelligent and it wasn’t edited out by FOX! Luckily that’s counterbalanced by Cecile’s continued competition with Real World’s Tonya for best Passive-Aggressive man manipulating b.itch. Watch out Tonya! Cecile continues her “He maul me” junior high spiel to Tim, obviously trying to get him jealous and to “fight for her Honor” like a certain Walla-Walla skeezer. Hey, is this a sign of that female empowerment theme FOX was insinuating in the commercials? I mean how could he misread the signal of her giggling in the limo at his massage as ANYTHING other than a blatant declaration that she wasn’t interested. Men! Tim doesn’t do anything, but it DOES cause him to look at Jeff from a different light, and so do the editors, who show Jeff playing darts in slow motion with ersatz “eerie” music, like where are they, “Frozen Crystal Lake?” or something? Oh Mommy, hide me from the big, bad media-whore! Sheesh!

I’m glad you stayed around, Irony, because here’s a quote for you! “I would never try to be mean,” said Rebitcha. See, cuz she has her phasers set to “whore” at this point and is already figuring out who she’s going to dump pathetic Jack for. Luckily Just Jack embarrassed himself by doing pushups in the spa (!) so I don’t have to feel sorry for him when it happens. Kris tells Blandrea that he doesn’t want to be with her for the long haul (me too.) Ack! Sissie is back and she brought her overdone perm back with her, looking like she’s going to party like it’s 1989. Even worse she’s wearing a saucy little beret! Did we learn NOTHING from Monica’s mistake? Her untamed mane overshadows anything she’s saying. Cut to bikini-clad ReBarekah flirting with three guys at once in the hot tub which, in another type of production would be known as the pre-gangbang initiation ritual.

Proposal Point and the girls change in their Commie Agent Blizzard Barbie outfits. Patrick pleas for Blandrea copying the love techniques from that OTHER famous Romeo: the guy from Police Academy He pretends to cut a log while making “chainsaw” sound effects. Um…yeah girls, the line forms at the left. Billy Bob pleas for Cecile with a non-poem and Cecile all but laughs right in his face. Jason uses a block of wood to spell out a corny pun for “Becky.” The Pillsbury Snow-Boy gives Rebekah some croissant role for her plea. Ok he doesn’t but it would have been a lot less embarrassing then watching tubbo dance like a epileptic hippo. Blandrea has decided between Patrick (“and his wood.” Hee!) or the guy who said he didn’t really want anything further to do with her. Naturally she picks Kris. Cecile, doesn’t pick the guy who she accused of being…well like Sling Blade, much to are surprise. ReBoasta gives here standard insincere speech before selecting Jason as her new anatomically-correct plaything.

Next week: Something upsets poor oversensitive Cecile, and she makes a big production of it. (gasp! I know, I’m shocked too.)

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  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 RE: Unoffical BiA Episode 2 summary sticks 06-13-02 1
 thanks SurvivorBlows 06-17-02 2

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sticks 1165 desperate attention whore postings
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06-13-02, 10:42 AM (EST)
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1. "RE: Unoffical BiA Episode 2 summary"
Thanks for writing this! There were tons of funny parts so I won't pull out a long string of quotes.

I keep forgetting to watch this show even though it is normally something I wouldn't miss.

Great work!

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SurvivorBlows 15230 desperate attention whore postings
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06-17-02, 02:26 PM (EST)
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2. "thanks"
Jonny, thanks for writing the summary, great job, I was truly LOL ROTF. I can't wait to see last night's summary (particularly since I was foolish enough to be out of the room when they showed Rebecka NOT getting selected by one of the men!)

-SB

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