LAST EDITED ON 04-08-05 AT 11:57 PM (EST)Lesbian Idol Journals
(Edited to include photos)
In reverse order…
9. Bo Bice
What a shocker: last week’s big winner takes a big fall and lands with a giant flop(!) into Lesbian Fashion Disaster territory. His shiny red shirt looked like a cross between last week’s textured-suede winner and Scott Savol’s outfit from Week One; and ultimately Bo came across like he was wearing a parody of that costume Kristanna Loken wore as the Terminatrix in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. And what looks good on a seven-foot-tall blond woman playing a robot assassin from the future doesn’t necessarily look good on a long-haired rocker performing for American Idol in 2005; especially since the robot appears to be using hair conditioner regularly between her assignments, while Bo does not.
8. Anthony Federov
Anthony wins the Songchoice Scull of Shame this week. It entitles any American Idol viewer annoyed by his song choice next week to spank him, with the paddle, on his 19-year-old heiney, and hard. In terms of look, Anthony is definitely heading towards boyband member territory; and while that’s enough to make me unhappy, dressing up like an underaged Backstreet Boy and crooning a song sung by a friggin’ Mother Superior (in a style reminiscent of a bad 80s pop song no less) is, in one word, unforgivable. “Everything about it was horrible,” Simon said this week – I personally felt he was being too kind.
7. Scott Savol
I have to give credit where credit is due… Scott can clean up good. Sure his outfit was safe and unimaginative and looked like something a lounge singer would wear… but at least I could watch him perform without cringing. Too bad I couldn’t listen to him perform without wincing. Will Scott ever be able to pull himself together and deliver something that’s both visually and aurally tolerable? Watch this space.
6. Constantine Maroulis
I was all set to give Constantine’s couture a decent ranking… then he started shamelessly mugging at the circle-cam 16 seconds into My Funny Valentine, tracking its slow and tortuous movement around him with Bambi-on-steroids doe-eyes that almost made me want to send myself into an insulin-induced coma. This subsequently forced me to notice all the grating little flaws I can’t stand about him: his ridiculous come-hither expressions that were magnified ten-fold on the giant screen behind him so it looked like he was hitting on himself; the way he screws his face up in constipated concentration whenever he attempts to sound sexily guttural; and of course when he reached “Don’t change a / Hair for me”, my eyes involuntarily shot to his crimped-looking but still greasy/skanky/nasty/unmanaged/unwashed/unhygienic tresses. I’m sorry, but until Constantine learns how to behave less nauseatingly on-camera, he’ll never be able to have a good week on these Lesbian Idol Journals.
5. Nikko Smith
Nikko looked okay this week, not good enough to go nuts over but certainly not bad enough to feel nauseated by; therefore he lands himself smack in the middle of my list. That’s a bad thing. He managed to successfully update a showtune with his trademark R&B stylings (good thing) which unfortunately, once again, highlighted his lack of versatility as a performer (bad thing). All this resulted in his dismissal from the show this week, which is neither a good or bad thing since it was bound to happen sooner or later.
4. Carrie Underwood
Carrie could not have picked a more boring song this week, and it speaks volumes about her ability as a performer that she still managed to come off endearing (if a little Stepford wife-ish) and semi-memorable despite the clunker that she chose. Her costume and make-up helped truckloads of course: the sky blue dress, baby blue dangly earrings and ever-so-slightly overdone blue eye shadow all served to highlight her blond-haired blue-eyed perkiness, and she ultimately came across as nostalgic old-fashioned beguiling (as opposed to plain old-fashioned boring).
3. Anwar Robinson
Oh fantastic. Anwar has taken a completely unnecessary cue from Constipatine and started mugging at the circle-cam as well. Thank god he’s so uncomfortable doing it it’s actually almost cute. Fashion-wise he’s majorly stepped it up this week and looks a lot edgier than his previous, blander-than-bland appearances. But a word of advice for Anwar: flirting with the camera may be cute as a one-off thing on Broadway Week, but it is not the long-term approach I would choose for someone who can actually impress with his singing, and who definitely doesn’t need to give cheesy grins to the camera for horny-tween-girl votes.
2. Vonzell Soloman
In a floral print satin dress that was the definition of vintage-chic, coupled with glowing, dramatic makeup and a gorgeously understated performance, Vonzell was absolutely stunning this week. I love the fact that she managed to look elegant, classy and original all at once, and while her voice may not be the most distinctive of the contestants, her presentation certainly is: a Vonzell look is unquestionably a Vonzell look. In terms of fashion, what higher praise could anyone ask for?
1. Nadia Turner
Nadia devastated this week in a slinky white dress that looked like an angel’s outfit, which contrasted sharply with her earthy, urgent, deeply-felt rendition of As Long As He Needs Me. Seriously, one can’t argue with perfection; and whether she’s doing a 60s torch song, an 80s pop number, a 90s rock ballad or a 50s showtune, Nadia always finds the right fabrics, cuts and accessories to complement her performance. She was flawlessly glamorous this week, and earns the Fashionable-Dyke Stamp of Approval for looking and sounding perfect while making it all look so effortless in the bargain.
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