Official RTVW Summary: The Scholar Episode 3
“The Road to Harvard Goes Through Djibouti“

Hello, I’m a virgin. Hope this is as good for you as it will be for me.

What? This isn’t a chat room? I’m supposed to do a summary here? Well, shit.

If, for any reason, you came here hoping to read something nice about the contestants or the show, you’re in for a bit of a surprise. Just thought it would be fair to warn any family members of the contestants who may have wandered in here looking for solace when your kid looks bad on TV. My job is not to make you feel any better about their public heartache. My job is to make those of us who are jaded about the whole arbitrariness of reality shows feel better.

On with the crap…

In the few minutes of the recap of last week’s episode that my stupid recorder caught, Scot won the showdown and joined “the Final Five” - which is a code phrase for a nasty little hazing ritual which you can see on HBO this Fall. I wish. Then we see some of the other contestants make remarks like “I’m gonna have to step things up”. These kids are supposed to be smart? If you ever get picked for a reality contest, you damned well better go for broke from the very beginning. Otherwise, you don’t belong in the contest and I’m gonna take away your lunch money for wasting my time. By the way, the expression “go for broke” is pretty useless here since every one of these brats is going to walk away with a nice prize.

We then get the intro shots and voice-overs that make me itch. “I want to make the world a better place”, “ I want to cure cancer”, “I want to go to the moon”. Pssst, hey. You. Yeah, you. The Miss America pageant is across the street. Sure, it’s good to hear people who have high hopes, but this is some of the most generic dreaming this side of a Disney movie. Most of these people are going to get slapped pretty hard by reality before this contest is over. And we get to watch it happen, oh joy!

Let me take a moment to say that the house they are living in is hideous. You can tell that this was shot in Southern California because there are few places in America where they would allow such a garish pile of crap to exist.

Liz is the first confessional of the episode and she talks about how she is all in favor of the slumber party going on. A slumber party with people who are trying to beat you out of a full college scholarship? Five minutes into the show and I don’t like her. Too peppy to win this kind of thing. Hey, Liz - Yale is not known for their slumber parties.

Then we hear from Francine, who will be filling out Paula Abdul’s duty with the boys in this particular show. Her official title is “resident advisor”. Francine wants everyone to write down questions that they are supposed to ask each other. “Okay,” I’m thinking to myself, “let’s get a little insight on these brilliant, outstanding teen-agers.” So what are the two questions we hear? “Who wants to have sex?” and “Who wants to have sex right now?” And these are the good teenagers in America. No need to get into the particulars, since their raging hormones will have them looking at somebody else the next morning, except these two items - 1) Right after Max says Melissa has a nice booty, the tag under her name says that she has done charity events. Would Max be considered a charity if he says he was sheltering his own Blue Man Group? 2) Alyssa gives a nice jealous look around when another female is complimented. If this were real life, she would start sleeping with the guys who were wavering. A show for MTV, maybe?

Liz has another confessional, for those of you who keep score of that kind of thing. Alyssa does too. Or maybe she doesn’t. Just screwing with you. Neither one of them say anything important so we’ll move on.

Next, we set up for the “captain’s quiz”. Is it me or is that a really pathetic name for a challenge? The moron who came up with this needs to go back to work at PBS. At the quiz, rob nelson from Stanford gives us the lowdown. To wit, a word jumble with a missing letter.

At this point in the show I set down my drink, look around the room and say in a very pissed off voice “They’re doing a friggin word jumble as one of the ‘challenges’? What the holy hell do they have the SAT for if all it takes to get into Stanford is a word jumble?” The only reason I didn’t throw my glass at the TV was that I was really enjoying what I was drinking. Also, this challenge was just the method they had for picking this week’s team captains. I’m still ticked off, though. A word jumble. The unimaginative, lazy-assed producers can bite me, and they don’t even need to find the missing letter to do it.

Amari describes what letter she was looking for, but this is done only to throw off the losers who were actually trying to compete at home. You know who you are. Milana is the first to turn her paper over. Jeremy then describes his tactic, which was to…c’mon, why waste time on a strategy? It’s a freaking word jumble. This dood from Westminster is not impressing me very much. Melissa was the third and last person to “finish”. She didn’t really finish though, because neither she nor Jeremy even got the right letter. Most of the other contestants were still trying to figure out which end of the pencil they were supposed to be writing with. Rob proceeds to tell us that one other person did manage to scribble down three words with the missing letter. The camera pans around to a room full of honor students who were trying to figure out if they had written down three words or not. Their parents must be so proud. Max, the man-whore of the group got it. The missing letter was “Y” and today’s number is 12. Oops, sorry, wrong kids show. Max says that he is “juiced” to be the team leader. Don’t let that stain, Max.

We then get to see Milana’s background. She comes from a family of Russian immigrants and she‘s interested in medicine. Nothing to see here, move along.

Next, we get a shot of the kids hanging around, having fun. Except for Amari. She has a “confessional cam” segment where she throws a pity party, saying she is starting to feel like the stupid one in the group. Hmmm, are we being set up for something here? No time to think about it because we are at a commercial break:

Wal-Mart is a philanthropic organization (NOT); some kids watch Toyota crash testing, my favorite line “What about your car?”; a kid has a possessed piece of pizza, courtesy of Pizza Hut; lame-o Blue Man Group pushing Intel; cartoons eating Ritz chips; Glade’s Wisp poisoning a family’s home; NBA finals

We’re back to see Amari’s bio. Smart, multi-talented girl from a good family. BOR-ing. More people need to get shot with BB guns during these bios. Ron comes back to tell us that the team challenge is to “give back”. Too bad they can’t give back the hours that I waste watching reality TV. Milana and Max pick teams:

GOLD team: Milana, Melissa, Scot, Liz, Jeremy
RED team: Max, Davis, Alyssa, Gerald, Amari

Each team gets a $500 gift card to spend at Wal-Mart. The Red team visit’s a remedial learning center. Their goals are to improve the tutoring program, create a reading area, build a partition between toilets, renovate the play area, and get new books. One little boy describes the need for books by pointing out that he learned the phrase “Emancipation Proclamation” from “South Park”. No Child Left Behind, as long as they watch vulgar cartoons.

Gold team goes to Blazer safe haven. Davis says they took notes about “ things they’d like to improve and blah, blah, blah”. His passion for charity is underwhelming. Gold team goals: create reading program, get gardening supplies, get musical instruments, create tutoring program. Amari says she does not want to be seen as someone who takes a back seat to other players. We’ll see about that.

Gold team goes to WM with real gusto. A clock appears to tell us how much time they have left. It’s annoying because there’s no real penalty for going over the time allowed. Then the Red team arrives at WM. They don’t have a clue.

Gold team races around, knocking things over. Typical WM shoppers. Red team stands around and still knocks things over. Typical K-Mart shoppers. Gold team does a much better job shopping.

Back at the learning center, Gold team uses child labor to get work done. For the Red team, Amari behaves like she is in The Apprentice, calling around for volunteers. Meanwhile, Scot feels pressure to complete construction tasks. Don’t know why, he’s already in the final five. Commercial break:

Guy living vicariously through his Cingular phone; Chex mix makes people happy; Ameriquest getting on my nerves; WM with some goofy looking people; I Wanna be a Soapstar (where will it end?); GMC’s Saudi-supporting, environment-wrecking, crash-proof-unless-you’re-in-a-rollover SUVs; theme park with freaky old guy; JEEP Saudi-supporting, environment-wrecking, crash-proof-unless-you’re-in-a-rollover vehicles;

Gold team finishes changes to playground. It is now officially a health hazard. Liz works on the tutoring program. Melissa gets books. Red team - Amari sets up tutoring program by calling around for volunteers. Gerald works on reading program. Gold team fails in building a food cabinet. Didn’t know that there was a food cabinet on the job list, but what the hell do I know. However, they left some money for the center to hire a handy-man to finish it. Red team - Davis questions the judge’s ability to grasp their accomplishment. Then another friggin’ commercial break.

Intel at a science fair; Campbell’s soup; Toyota’s Saudi-supporting, environment-wrecking, crash-proof-unless-you’re-in-a-rollover minivan; Glade’s PlugIns poisoning a family’s home; WM’s trucks can now search out missing children; Kraft’s salad dressings do things to your mouth that are illegal in 12 states; Miss Congeniality2 on DVD; Lotrimin fighting athlete’s foot; Welcome to the Neighborhood - we hate your type

Lydia the judge comes back to tell us that Gold team rocks cause of Milana and Red team just blows all around. So now Milana is in the showdown. The scholarship committee talks and talks, then picks Amari because she connected with the kids and Liz because she was organized. The committee bashes Davis and Max. A brief break so we can watch Milana trim Gerald’s eyebrows. We are temporarily left to wonder if they will take Jeremey for his hard work over Liz. They don’t. In the meantime, Max and Melissa discuss hooking up at the dance that evening. But then in the car, Max’s voice tells us that he is attracted to Alyssa. Get ‘em while you’re young, stud.

At the dance it’s a typical scene: people writhing around in an upright position. What happened to actual dance moves, people? Liz has that “I don’t know what the hell is going on” look while Davis dances behind her. Max plays the field. Alyssa doesn’t like it. Possessive? Oh, yeah. So then she and Max kiss on the dance floor. Skanks. Someone hose ‘em down while I refresh my drink.

Mott’s uses precocious kids ‘cause they can‘t find smart writers; Coppertone sport for athletic people who sweat a lot; a guy in his truck with Cattleman’s sauce, he decides to eat on the road; Brat Camp, there is no way this turns out as good as my imagination; Chevy’s employee discounts for everyone - their employees must be pissed; really stupid Dominos ad; Progressive insurance allows you to drive recklessly; a house folds up in a Chrysler ad; five-second spot for adoption awareness

Francine brings in the Showdown posting, a la finals grades. Everyone reacts, especially Amari. The topic of the Showdown is African geography and Liz looks petrified. Don’t worry darlin’ you’re not actually going there.

The preparations are funny. I always like saying Djibouti. Look it up if you don’t know. Yes, I say Djibouti all of the time. “Grab another beer and get Djibouti over here, you sweet thing.” The blonde, pale-skinned Liz thinks everyone is on an even par regarding African geography. I think Amari is going to kick her ass in this contest. As they go through naming countries and their respective locations, I am reminded of an Animaniacs cartoon where they list off all of the nations of the world to the music of the Mexican hat dance.

Milana admits that even after four hours of study, she lacks confidence. Hah! I could have it down pat in one hour. But that’s because I cheat. Amari is on the phone home for like the fifth time this episode. Kind of irritating me.

The three young ladies walk into the Showdown and all three tell what a difference $50,000 will mean to them and their family. How shocking. Rob the host reminds them that the winner will go on to the finals with a gauranteed $50,000.

First question - Milana correctly places Cairo in Egypt. Do’h! I thought it was in Illinois.
Second question - Amari gets the question about Djibouti. Everyone likes to say Djibouti.
Third question - Liz correctly places Nairobi in Kenya. It’s supposed to be scenic, I think.
Fourth - Milana places Tripoli in Libya.
Fifth - Amari places Tunis in -- anyone, anyone -- Tunisia.
Sixth - Liz puts Addis Ababa in Ethiopia. Never been, never going.
7th - Milana says Killiminjaro is the highest point in Africa
8th - Amari guesses the Sahara as “the other great desert” of Africa. Too easy, I call favoritism!
Then they start rattling off answers to unheard questions. For all we know, they hit a timer and said “call out whatever damn name you can think of and we’ll give you a pass.” They pan towards the other students for like the second or third time and Max is quoted with “It’s gonna be interesting to see which girl pulls it out.” I’m telling you, that man is foul.

boys crashing cars again, I enjoy it every time I see it, “What about your car?” hehehe; Lubriderm makes you feel like you’ve been rubbed with all kinds of nuts - if you’re into that sort of thing; women with thinning hair try Rogaine and go play in the flowers; Allstate is there for you when your car is stolen; Cheez-its make you delusional and anti-social, which is why I love them; BMG again for Intel; Jet-Dry mutates your dishwashing machine into a talking, thirsty freak; WM being philanthropic again; Dancing With the Stars - Lamest.Contest.Ever; Subway makes me hungry with their ads

More questions. The first one includes unnecessary pitch for “Black Hawk Down”. History is not taught and should not ever be expected to be accurate in the movies. Milana guesses Mogadishu. Amari guesses one right and then we see Liz get ripped. One of those stupid multi-layered questions where you have to either ignore most of the question or string everything together to properly figure out what is being asked. She misses it and they taser her. Well, in my version they do. Actually she sits down with the other slackers. Next, Milana puts Brazzaville on the Congo River. Amari gets a dam question. Really, a question about a dam. Now, instinctively, I’m thinking that if it has anything to do with a river in Africa, I’m saying “Nile”. Amari goes for the Zambezi and she gets eaten by the crocodiles. Again, in my version. They say she tastes like antelope. In the real show, however, it is not over. Milana has to get one more question right for some reason. Again, I’m calling favoritism for Amari because Milana is already one up on her at this point. Milana can’t figure out where to put Meru and Mombasa. Your mother should have explained all of that to you, sweetie. They go in Kenya. The lowlands of Kenya are moist and hot. The plateau is dry and smooth. The peaks are cool and …what? I am not making this up.

Anyways, Amari gets the next question wrong. Milana, much to her own surprise, correctly places the Kruger national forest in South Africa. Milana is going to the finals with $50,000 and a chance to get a full ride scholarship to the school of her choice. How do you say “Yippee!” in Russian? I already know how to say “This contest sucks big wads” which is what Amari is thinking. What she says on camera, though, is that she feels just fine because the recent contests gave her a big confidence boost. Will it be enough to fill one of the last two positions in the finals? We’ll see.

It’s late, the power in my humble abode flipped off once during this writing and did I mention I’m a virgin? Treat me kindly is all I ask.

Much thanks to Cygnus for the set-up!