LAST EDITED ON 06-20-05 AT 03:04 PM (EST)

Official RTVW Summary: The Scholar Episode 2
“We’ve Got Spirit, Yes We Do! We’ve Got Ratings . . . No, We Don’t.”

Due to some violent content in this summary, viewer discretion is advised. (Oh, sorry, that was from the beginning of “The Ring” from last week.)

Previously on The Scholar: Ten of America’s brightest and best students arrived at USC. But since they weren’t part of this show, ten hormone-crazed high school seniors showed up instead. They meet and run around the USC campus doing pointless tasks, then get interrogated by the Scholarship Overlords who demand to see their papers. In the end, three of them compete for a $50K scholarship, including the pompous Davis, who was voted Most Likely To Receive A Boot To The Head. But he went down in flames during the Admissions Hoedown, won by Melissa. And I busted many ancient Bell and Howell filmstrip projectors. So thanks to a grant from the Emerson, Lake, and Palmer Foundation, this is a more contemporary summary.

And so, we begin back at the Scholar House, which I mistakenly said in my last summary was in Euclid, OH. Actually, it’s in Akron. We find Melissa and Milana bonding. They are becoming Soul Mates. (Not THAT kind, Knockers.) Scot, who was pretty much absent last week, adds that Davis and Liz have been getting pretty chummy, as have Alyssa and Max. If you’ve forgotten who these people are, please refer to my previous summary. Not that I’d blame you if you forgot. But Scot says he’s pretty much a loner who prefers to concentrate on his studies. Working 80 hours a week doesn’t leave much time for girls, true. But at least he didn’t have to spend much money on proms.

Speaking of money, Scot starts asking his housemates about their family incomes. Davis admits his folks have a combined income of over $140K, but they apparently spend it as fast as they get it. Mmmmm . . . debt. Jeremy says his folks don’t make enough to pay his way, but too much to get much aid. If Max were to win the $50K, he says that would be more than his dad makes in a year. Scot says feh, that’s more than his dad makes in THREE years! What does he do, work in radio?

So we visit Scot’s (and Bystander’s) hometown of New Freedom, PA . . . sort of. Several of these shots are actually of nearby York (nice try, Tom Werner!), home of a Harley factory, the Weightlifting Hall of Fame, and the occasional white supremacist rally. Scot’s dad looks Dick Smothers without the mustache; he says Scot taught himself algebra. We see Scot practicing Tae Kwon Do and walking into a library that is definitely in York and not New Freedom.

Anyhoo, it’s time for Part One of our shew, the Captain’s Mess Quiz. The Scholars meet our host Rob Nelson, J.D. (Just Dull). The theme: Art in the Dark. Scot thinks he has an advantage, Max not so much. Off they go, matching artists to their works of art, e.g. Van Gogh to “The Starry Night.” Conspicuous by its absence:

Oh, by the way . . . is anyone else irritated by the too-loud Blue Man Group music throughout this show? (Actually, sorry, that’s an insult to BMG.)

Just Dull tells us that only one student got a perfect score on this quiz. And it was the collie on the left. No, we’ll find out after . . . Commercials.

And we’re back, and this person also had the fastest time . . . Melissa. She is rocking this competition! Scot had the second fastest time, but Liz had more answers right. She didn’t think she’d do well with Art, but then again, she hadn’t met him. (Hope she doesn’t tell Davis!) So Melissa and Liz are the captains for the team challenge this week.

Now since Melissa is already in the finals, if her team wins its challenge, she will have to nominate someone from her team to move on to the Academic Hoedown. The Senate can then filibuster that nominee (didn’t read that part of the deal, did you?). Melissa says she doesn’t want to relax, even though she’s already in the finals. She’s already learning the importance of being a DAW.

After a jump-cut sequence put together by some sixth-graders, we’re at the USC Heritage Hall gymnasium, so named because it predates the missionaries. There we meet Lori, the coach and adviser to the USC Song, Yell, and Whine Team. She will be judging the competition. What competition? Thank you for asking! Our Future will have to get as many apathetic USC students out for a men’s volleyball game (must be a West Coast thing; out here, only women play volleyball in college) as they can. On top of that, they’ll have to come up with a 3-minute pre-game routine. Each team will have a $500 campus card for purchasing supplies for the evening.

Alyssa figures this is right up her alley, since she’s a singer and dancer. Scot . . . not so much. Homeschooling isn’t awash in extracurriculars (for the most part, but definitely not in Scot’s case). Gerald likes it; he’s his school’s mascot. We find out, however, that Gerald is one of only two students in his AP classes in Commerce, TX, and one of his teachers pushed him to the back of the room when he wanted to sit in the front. Oh, and his mom chides Gerald for saying a quick prayer before eating.

And now, time for the Weekly Kickball Flashback: choosing up sides. Melissa takes Milana (pause for *thud*s), Scot, Alyssa, and Max for her Red Team. For the Gold Team, Liz picks Gerald, Davis, Amari, and last and least, Jeremy. He sure feels like it’s least, anyway.

ObProductPlacement: Each winning team member gets a $2K gift certificate from Wal-Mart, the Official Discount Store of SBOT . . . almost.

And they’re off!

Scot says to remember to get the pennants handed out, not to get 10 million people to come. But how many sporting events has he ever been to? Jeremy gets over his inferiority complex long enough to suggest the idea of a raffle involving the pennants, awarding a gift card to whoever has the randomly numbered pennant.

Once in the bookstore, the teams go to work. Gold Teamer Davis figures he’ll get attention by wearing a cheerleader skirt . . . and he does. I can’t make stuff like this up. The rest of his team decides to split up to get stuff and work on the choreography. Overlord Easy Reader (Morgan Freeman) wonders how they’ll communicate with each other. Maybe Davis has a secret communication device hidden up his skirt? (And no, I do NOT want to know whether he was wearing anything underneath it!)

The Red Team works on its routine. Credit Max with the Understatement of the Year so far, noting that Scot “didn’t have too much rhythm.” He needs much help in the dancing department. Maybe they should have had him do some Tae Kwon Do moves? Just a thought.

Melissa then asserts herself because too many cooks are trying to run things (she has Chef Ramsey on speed-dial just in case). Milana is trying to accomplish too much with the choreo, Alyssa isn’t helping much, and poor Scot is just flailing about in the middle of it all, like a white boy from South Central PA.

They decide it’s more important to just give out their flags. So the Red Team tries to browbeat talk to all who will listen encourage people to come to this game. Eventually, they figure it might be better to go to where the people are (well, duh!). Max figures it’s better to hit up the people that ARE coming to the game (well, that wasn’t really the point of the exercise, but you gotta do what you gotta do) and get them the flags. He goes off to charm some girls into doing just this. Don’t flatter yourself, bud.

Scot then decides what he lacks in dance moves, he’ll make up for in . . . body paint! He paints his visible features (most of them, anyway) red, because that’s what crazy people at sports competitions do (so he says). We really must get you to an Eagles game sometime, dood. Once finished, he lets out a Howard Dean-esque scream.

The Gold Team is playing up the idea of the $100 campus card that someone can win, which they figure is their Trump card (and he had to get his name in this summary somewhere). Until Davis announces that he misplaced the card. Fortunately, he has a commercial break in which to look for it.

We’re back, and I’ve got to give this maroon some credit. Davis spent last week making a complete ass of himself. Here, however, he takes full responsibility for losing the $100 card, goes back to the bookstore, and buys another with his own debt money. Good on him.

It’s almost time for the game. The fan is filing in. The seat is jammed. Scot is covered in red. Native American groups protest. He looks at the Gold Team and says, “You wish you looked this good.” Actually, he looks like a negative of Bozo.

Red does its routine first. Scot’s dancing ability falls somewhere between me at my wedding reception . . . and Bill Cosby. Max and Alyssa look like they’re having more fun dancing with each other. Later, folks, later! Gerald worries that Red got a good reaction.

The producers blur out one fan’s sweatshirt. It’s either:
1. Obscene;
2. The other team; or
3. Mark Burnett.

Just Dull calls the others the “yellow team.” WTH? He forgot already?

Gold is not that coordinated, and they don’t get the crowd into it that much. Gerald does a nice bit with slapping his shoes, however. Melissa is worried, but she has no reason to be. They also decided not to go with that time-honored Landru cheer:

Bacon, Bacon, burn that couch!
Bacon, Bacon, ouch ouch ouch!
Gooooo Bacon!

Probably because it had nothing to do with USC.

Afterward, Lori says both teams showed energy and enthusiasm. Alyssa, in confessional, says, “Shaddup and just tell us who won!” So Lori does: on the basis of more pennants and a better response, it’s . . . the RED TEAM! And each member can go buy $2K worth of carp from Wal-Mart.

Now, Melissa needs to nominate someone from her team to go to the Academic Hoedown. It is a Tough Decision. Just about everyone else assumes she will name Milana, her buddy-buddy (they’re shown during the closing credits having a mini-food fight).

The Overlords will fill the two other spots in the Hoedown. Gerald is convinced he won’t go because Overlord Cal Ripken doesn’t like him. But Liz points out that Cal doesn’t like anybody. Amari (who?) says she’s being left out and isn’t even being considered. Um, that’s because YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING YET! If you were any further under the radar, you’d have to dig your way out! And as I said, UTR is no place to be on this show.

Late that night, Melissa enters the Confessional Room. “Bless me, Father, for I have appeared on a low-rated ABC reality show…” She says writing the pros and cons of whom she should pick is making the process more difficult. Turns out there was no priest in there anyway, so she pays a visit to Scholar House RA Francine, the Slave to Fashion. Melissa admits that Milana didn’t have the right leadership style, and Alyssa and Max are getting too cushy (ya think?).

But just before going to bed, and to commercial, Melissa makes her decision.

She tells the house the next morning . . . it’s Max. Reason: the idea of getting the pennants out closer to the gym. Everyone wonders whether a catfight is in the offing between Melissa and Milana now, and whether it’ll be like that Dynasty episode (no, no!).

More high-volume, Blue Man Group music.

The Scholars enter the Star Chamber for the weekly interrogations by the Overlords. After being asked to show their papers:

· Milana says she’s opinionated, but willing to learn. (What did Cal’s remark about her being “small in stature” have to do with the price of Pokemon cards in Cameroon?)
· Liz also needs to get out from UTR. She blew her chance to do so as a captain.
· Cal dinged Gerald for getting only 16 people to come to a volleyball game when he’s a mascot. Didn’t improve Gerald’s opinion of him any.

Milana is actually grateful Melissa didn’t pick her. Otherwise, no one would have known whether she’d earned it. She and Melissa discuss what happened during the challenge, then let bygones be bygones, hug, and have some Taster’s Choice. Milana adds that she won’t sacrifice integrity to be the winner, which takes her out of the running for Survivor or The Apprentice.

And now, the Overlords debate their two nominees for the Academic Hoedown to join Max. They concur with the selection of Max, who was helpful to Scot as well. They decide Scot broke out of his homeschool shell nicely, and Gerald is a good candidate also. But Cal said he was hesitant to recommend Gerald because it might not be for the right reason. To which Overlord Grace Jones’ Mom replied, “Somebody needs to get you some happy pills!” True, he's the misanthrope of the three!

After another commercial break, would it be too much to ask for you to POT DOWN THE FRELLING MUSIC?!

Scot and Gerald find out via tree mail a note on the bulletin board that they’re in the Academic Hoedown with Max. The category: Biology. Gerald says it’s his favorite subject. Max and Scot both begin boning up. All three are feeling Pressure; $50K is a lot of money.

Yet another commercial, then off to the Academic Hoedown! Whose Line fans, sing along!

We just watched the Scholars go sing and dance and cheer
Now they’ll be quizzed in bio, and one thing’s loud and clear
They’ve all got raging hormones, and they know they can’t deny
That before this show is over, there’ll be lots of TMI!

Predictions! Alyssa!
“Scot will be nervous and won’t do well. But I want Max to win and I wanna do him anyway.”
Liz!
“I think Gerald will win because biology is his best subject.”
Eleanor!
“Thomas Friedman will be #2 on the bestseller list next week.”
Patrick!
“I will run for President in 2008, and no one will care.”
“A monkey named Gus will become CEO of The Prudential in August. Bye-bye!”
(thank you, John McLaughlin)

As Just Dull prepares to read the first question, Scot sighs with all the confidence of a man showing up for a root canal. But he knows that the spinal cord and the brain are part of the nervous system. Gerald knows that the human heart has four chambers. Max identifies the femur as the longest bone in the body.

Round Two of Questions That Didn’t Make The Cut For “It’s Academic”: Scot knows that the liver, stomach, and intestines are . . . part of the digestive system. (We would also have accepted “a Fear Factor challenge.”) Gerald properly identifies the purpose of arteries. Max says the dermis and the epidermis are parts of . . . the brain, brain, brain, brain, brain. Yer out. (Skin, in case you were wondering.)

Round Three of Biology Anatomy: This one was a little tougher, but Scot knew the question was logical. If proteins are digested in the stomach, carbs are digested earlier . . . where? The mouth, he says correctly.

Then to Gerald: If ligaments attach bones to bones, what attaches muscles to bones? Gerald says joints. Thanks for playing, we have some lovely parting gifts. Not.

Scot: What does RNA stand for? A little hesitantly, Scot says: Ribonucleic acid. Ballgame.

He’s speechless outside, but obviously quite happy that he’ll go back to SoCenPA with no less than a $50K scholarship.

Next time: Community Service is the next team challenge. And is Max torn between two lovers, Alyssa and Melissa?

I’m Cygissa – er, um, Cygnus, and thanks for reading. Zipperhead's up for Ep. 3.

Sorry it's late because of some miscommunication.