1. Vonzell Solomon
Diva of the Week goes to Vonzell, in a return to the elegant form she displayed two weeks ago. She was radiant in a tight, shirred, chocolate spaghetti-strap gown which hugged her figure gloriously, displaying her splendid backside. And let me say, baby got back… and daddy like. Her hair, in flawless curls, was a bit shocking to the eye at first… but one can’t argue with the sheer glamour it conveyed. Sure, it was hardly a ‘natural’ look, but let’s be honest here… to hell with ‘natural…’ it’s all about the artifice! (I mean, is anyone really fooled into believing that much hair is actually growing from her head? Puh-lease.) 2. Nadia Turner
Yet another good week for Nadia, one of this critic’s darlings (even if the voting public doesn’t seem to agree.) Though I (unpopularly) raved about her faux-hawk, I’m glad to see her back to her ‘normal’ hairstyle (and may I point out, her ‘normal’ is actually huge and fiercely original.) This week, she went cowgirl-chic in a white tank, cream vest with silver appliqué, asymmetrical cream crepe skirt, white and silver western belt, and cream leather western boots. Yippee-ay-oh-kay-gay!
3. Anthony Federov
Anthony appears to be getting the full Aikenization! This week that included the removal of his glasses… and the addition of what appeared to be some long-needed self-tanning cream. Sartorially, this week he was the personification of Vanilla-chic, in very cute pointy white boots, tight diesel jeans, a lime dress shirt with French cuffs and high collar, and a big silver belt buckle. I would buy the entire outfit tomorrow, and if that isn’t a glowing review, I don’t know what is.
4. Bo Bice
Bo’s outfit was a bit mismatched for my taste, but it was certainly memorable and risky, so it wins applause from this critic. I loved the cow-spotted black and white hat and matching boots… and I also loved the raw-seamed cream denim jeans. I was torn about the orange and crimson velvet shirt… and not because of the texture of the fabric (which was amazing.) Perhaps though, considering the spottiness of the accessories, a solid color top would have been more effective.
5. Carrie Underwood
Perky farmgirl Carrie was trendy-cute (without straying too far from her roots) this week, in well-fitting denim, a black fitted coat, a green lowcut top, and a silver charm-chain belt. Still not loving her signature sequined neck-scarf, but it’s starting to grow on me.
6. Jessica Sierra
Yawn. Jessica bored me (and apparently the voters too) in jeans, a white T-shirt, and a lavender cropped jacket. Worse yet, her hair was much too short for the overly-straightened style, which made her face appear rounder and flatter. All of this brought to my attention another flaw that has always bothered me… her oddly shaped teeth. Jessica’s two front teeth are simply too small, giving her a sort of downcurved smile. Simon mentioned Jessica’s lack of ‘likeability.’ Contrast Jessica’s sour grin, with Carrie’s huge, flawless upcurved smile, and you’ll see at least part of why one of the country girls is still here and the other is now gone.
7. Constantine Maroulis
Constantine was also sartorially snoozeworthy this week, in a charcoal pinstripe blazer, black printed T, and jeans. He honestly looked like he was wearing an outfit that Ryan ‘Milquetoast’ Seacrest would reject for being ‘too bland.’ Connie’s Rocker edge? Completely gone at this point. So, I ask… why keep the greasy, unwashed hair? Make the switch from Rock to Pop, Constantine, and take a freaking shower, for god’s sake.
8. Nikko Smith
Okay, I didn’t hate the white graffiti’d leather biker jacket or the black T shirt. But, and I’m sorry to beat a dead horse, I’m still annoyed at Nikko’s falling-off-the-a$$ jeans. No one… I repeat NO ONE… with any sense of style is still wearing them that way. Unless you are completely a$$-free, Nikko, please buy some jeans that actually fit you, and toss the 90’s hand-me-downs in the garbage. (And while you’re editing the wardrobe, edit the odd violent running crotch grabs from your choreography. They’re just icky.)
9. Anwar Robinson
There is online gossip that Anwar is gay, but I’d say based on his wardrobe, he must be straight. Any gay man would no better than this. This week, he was far too casual in baggy olive pants, tan suede boots, a tan cotton jacket, and a light blue striped shirt. I, quite frankly, would wear something like this… to do yard work. Or, perhaps, to pick up some things in the garden section at Home Depot.
10. Scott Savol
Scott earns his third straight Fashion Citation for what was perhaps his worst ensemble to date (and that is saying a lot.) Most egregiously, he donned a huge striped silk shirt that looked like it could have been Hugh Hefner’s bedsheet… it was striped vertically in the front and diagonally on the back… in shiny shades of silver, black and charcoal. I have three words to describe it. Hid-e-ous. He also wore huge light denim jeans… and perhaps the thinnest, most ridiculous-looking facial hair I’ve ever seen. May I ask just one question… Who in the hell is voting for this man… and why is he still infecting the fashion sense of the masses through the power of television?!? Please, for the love of Gucci, stop voting for him and put him out of our misery!
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Idol Finalists. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned a$$.
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary from a gay point of view. Please DON’T go to his former website, which shall remain nameless, because it has been usurped by a (gasp!) Straight Porn site.
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