Official RTVW Summary:
The Amazing Race 9, Episode 5
“Lake, You Magnificent Bastard!”

“No bastard ever became a DAW by writing summaries for his bulletin board. You did it by making the other poor dumb bastard write summaries for HIS bulletin board!”
--Gen. George S. Patton, on the eve of the next Amazing Race leg in a location with which he was familiar

Pity me just a little bit. I have one of the toughest acts in the Universe of Snarque to follow in Estee. I mean, she looks at the world in ways that I could only hope to with the assistance of some controlled dangerous substances. Or perhaps some high explosives. Not to mention that she had one awesome Detour to summarize, and she nailed it! *smash* Just like that. *thud*

. . . and after I slowly come to . . .

If you don’t want to reabsorb Estee’s summary of last week’s March of the DAWs (but I recommend you do), I will recap it in the manner in which I did when I first came on these boards. You can still see examples of this dreck in the TAR Bashers archives:

Moscow. Red Square. Frat boys. Mat. First. But. Still racing. Oh. No. The dreaded. Superleg! Others. Just as surprised. Geeks. Last. Phil. Psych. To Germany.

Airport. That night. Frat boys. First flight. Hippies. Michelle and Flake. Out that night. Rest. Hosed. Til morning. All. Fly. Together.

Train. Stuttgart. Fratties. Where frauleins? Not. At Mercedes-Benz. Test track. Wall of Death. Screams. Fake vomit? Then. Autobahn. Kraftwerk. Bad Tolz. Good Roadblock? Nein! Search. Field. Gnomes. Travelocity. Dummkopf! Find. Gnome. Under. Heads. Feet. Pass Lena. Still. Pushing. Hay.

Momily Redux. Double D’s. Autobahn. Wrong. Way. Turn around. Wrong. Way. Again. Same. Place. Panic. Gnomeblock. Momily II. Panic. More.

Bavaria Films. Detour. Lederhosen. Dance? Smash? Fratties. Fraulein! Bash. Heads. With. Prop. Wine. Bottles. Like. Great. Race. Pie. Fight. Get. Label. And concussion. Also. Hippies. Commando! (Not. Kim.) And. Michelle And Flake.

Oldsters. Dance. Restart. Dance more. Geeks. Bash. Barbies. Team Buttocks. Bash. Switch. Dance. Sort of. Days. Later. Double D’s. Momily II. Dance. More or less.

Fratties. First. To mat. Munich. Phil. The Old Man From Scene 24. Hippies. .dnoceS. sdrawkcaB .nuR Race. For last. Momily II. Double D’s. Momily II. Out. Consolation prize. Snorkeling trip.

Thank you. Oh, and one final housekeeping bit: much lvoe to ARNutz for swapping weeks with me.

And now on to a much less choppy analysis of this week’s dead and wounded, which I hope will be less painful than walking through the glass strewn on the floor by those wine bottles! (Which, unfortunately, will NOT be one of this episode’s tasks.) But it will be punctuated with a few quotes from the movie Patton, for reasons that should become clear as this summary unfolds. Because I forgot to fold it up.

We start at the Sequester, a monument in Munich to all the other Philiminated teams in the history of TAR. Phil asks whether Lake and Michelle (Team Submission) can keep their momentum, and whether lvoe will keep David and Lori (Team Slide Rule) together. Time for me to slip Toni Tenille and Daryl Dragon a five-spot.

Eric and Jeremy (Team Cold Shower) leave first at 2:15 AM, proclaiming “Route Info!” as they rip open the envelope, like it would be a Roadblock right from the mat. They announce that they’re headed to “Paller-mo”, Sicily! Then they say that they’re not over-analyzing the game (thanks, we were SO worried), and add that the girls would do better if they would pull their heads out of their fine little asses. Guess Cold Shower must not have gotten much action, or the Pit Stop quarters were a little more confining this time around.

BJ and Tyler (Team Haight—Ashbury): 3:04 AM. They reward the passerby who gives them directions to the airport with a dance. The judges from the last Detour tell them to do it over before they can get out of the street. Or at least make BJ get into his lederhosen again, commando or not.

Moroccan Minister: (Morroccan Minister speaking to Patton,in presenting award, immediately after placing medal around Patton's neck) The lions in their dens tremble at his approach.

Team Submission: 3:09 AM. Michelle tells a fidgety Lake (has he been seeing Monica on the sly?) to be still, and know that Lake is God. (Oh, sorry; he tells her that 47 times a day, and has taken care of 14 between midnight and now.) Unlike Cold Shower, they’re heading to "Palomaro", to find their next clue on Jupiter through an Italian telescope. Next on “The Amazing Race Asteroid Belt Edition” . . . Scorekeeper Lake noted that she’s been right one or two times, while he’s been right three or four. He plans to have her other “successes” overturned after the producers review the tape.

At the Munich airport, Team Cold Shower shows it can’t go far without over-analysis, noting “Planes here!” Jeff Foxworthy interjects just long enough to say that both Eric and Jeremy used to run around in their back yards going, “Airpane! Airpane!” . . . when they were 14. When asking at the information desk, they find out the earliest flight to Palermo (which is someplace altogether different, pronounced “pah-LERR-mo”) leaves at 6:35 AM and arrives at 10:35. Then Eric asks the info-fraulein if she had a hickie on her neck, and if not, could he give her one? Sheesh, Kyle Boller could have made a better pass than that. Cold Shower slinks off to the Alitalia terminal to buy tickets when the counter opens.

Or so we’re led to believe. Because when Haight—Ashbury arrive, they find Cold Shower clowning around in wheelchairs and falling on their testosterone-laden asses. So does Submission when they enter, prompting Lake to say, “Just like we hoped, that y’all broke a leg.” Lake must have the Weavers on Dial-A-Prayer speeddial.

Lake and Michelle go off to look for an Internet terminal. But they must have read their e-mail, misfiled insurance papers for 12 of Lake’s patients, and figured out who the four out of five surveyed dentists are that didn’t want Lake on the race, all before getting around to purchasing tickets. Because if the editing can be believed, Haight—Ashbury and Cold Shower have time to race each other in the wheelchairs around the pylons used to steer lines toward the ticket counters. Eric wins, BJ is second, and Smarty Jones is the show horse. The exacta 2-1 pays $32.20. After that, BJ makes fun of Lake by calling him Blake.

Patton: God, how I hate the twentieth century.

But since the best one to make fun of Lake is, well, Lake (with Michelle a close second), Haight—Ashbury trot downstairs to the Internet area and calmly book seats on the 6:35 AM flight before Michelle can even find a site in English. Guess she was trying to translate travelocity.com into German or something. (Yes, I have product placement in my summary. You got a problem with that?) Once H-A get their tickets, Michelle can’t get the 6:35 Alitalia flight to appear. We learn it’s because BJ and Tyler scored the last two tickets on the plane! As Submission leave the Internet area with their tails between their legs, Michelle asks Lake to take charge. Lake responds that he doesn’t “do the Internet,” except for certain late nights at the office while Michelle is home with the kids. But he hasn’t figured out how to clear the cache or the history files.

Meanwhile, back at the Sequester: Fran and Barry (Team Crappy Wanderers): 5:03 AM. Fran says they’re learning more each leg from their mistakes. This must make them Mensa members by now.

Team Slide Rule: 5:28 AM. They’re DEEPLY in love. How deep is their love? (Oh, shoot, now I owe a five-spot to the surviving Brothers Gibb.) I’m not sure I want to know. Lori predicts their leg will be “smooth as butta.” She’ll be filling in for Stuart Scott on SportsCenter next week, once she finishes memorizing his Book of Cliches.

Whatshisname and Monica (Team I’m With Her): 5:52 AM. Monica says they’re going to “Paller-mo,” so they must be going to the same place as Cold Shower. Then she brags about how people underestimate her as a dumb blonde. She then pronounces it “Paller-mo” again. But, she goes on, she’s not stupid. Meanwhile, I consult with Jessica Simpson, double-checking how to pronounce “Palermo.” And ask Linda Weaver which state it’s in.

The Alitalia ticket counter opens, or at least the one designated for DAWs does. Cold Shower discover that Haight—Ashbury did indeed snag the last seats on the earliest flight. So they opt for standby, or hitting on all female ticket agents within eyeshot. A disgusted Submission (that’s kind of redundant in Lake’s case) make for the Lufthansa window and settle for leaving at 9:30 to arrive in You Know, That Place In Sicily by 2.

The Crappy Wanderers show up and get tickets on the same flight as Submission. Or do they? They discover that in Rome, they can change to an Alitalia flight that gets them into Wherever 35 minutes earlier. Lake suspects something is up, so he tries to find out, only to be shooed away by Fran. (Although, Fran, do remember; this IS Lake we’re talking about here. You won’t be helping him THAT much; he’s perfectly capable of screwing up with your help too.) His reaction? “She’s a doctor’s wife; she shouldn’t be acting like that.” Now if she were a dentist’s wife, she’d be replying with snark to just about everything he did. More on that later. Dave and Lori also get the 1:25 arrival in You Know.

Cold Shower make the flight with H—A. The flight attendants are given a safety briefing on how to put plastic cuffs on Eric and Jeremy’s lips.

Oh, yeah, two teams left to start out:

Ray and Yolanda (Team Rayola, although Team Backside is also acceptable): 6:48 AM. They’re heading to “Palmiero.” Maybe Yolanda needs more steroids for her legs?

Danielle and Dani (Team Double-Duh): 7:28 AM. They say slow and steady will win them the next leg. I didn’t know they’d gotten advice before the race from Gus.

Both these teams reach the airport and get the 2 PM arrival in Guess Where. Meanwhile, as Haight—Ashbury and Cold Shower arrive in Rome, H—A snag an earlier connecting flight to You Know.

Soldier: Where ya goin', General?
Patton: Palermo. I'm going to personally shoot that paper-hangin' sonofabitch.

I’m With Her, Slide Rule, Crappy Wanderers, and Submission arrive in Rome later, where Lake is upset to learn that while he and Michelle will be getting in to That Place at 2 PM, everyone else got the 1:25 arriving flight. He calls everyone else who has abandoned him "sonsofbitches," but only the ones he really likes.

We go to commercial, just long enough for Rayola and Double-Duh to make Lake’s day (sort of) by showing up for the 2 PM arriving flight. He doesn’t like that either! There’s no pleasing this guy; he hated being alone, and now he hates having the other teams around! Michelle tries to reassure him that someone will mess up, and “I have you as a partner. And you don’t mess up.” Sure, if “not messing up” means arriving at the Munich airport 4+ hours ahead of the last-place team and still being on the same flight as them – and it WASN’T a bunch point this time!

Once everyone arrives in City X, they have to find the Teatro Rollie Massamino for their next clue. As Haight—Ashbury arrive, they are now sporting T-shirts, one that says “Bowling” and one that says “Moms”! Of course, they’re the wrong color (the BMs’ were red and white), but we can forgive that. At least they didn’t make their own monogrammed clothing *coughGuidoscough*. At the Theater of the Erstwhile Villanova Coach, H—A find that their next clue is on the seaside terrace of the Castellammare del Golfo, which means “Gulf of the Guy Who Does Homer Simpson’s Voice.” Either that or they’re going to have to find golf balls on a course again.

Cold Shower are glad to be in Sicily, where it’s warmer and (chick reference in 3, 2, 1 . . .) there are hot Italian women! They find their next clue as Jeremy adjusts his hair in the mirror. You’re so vain, you probably think this Race is about you . . . (there goes another 5-spot!)

Patton: When we took Palermo they called me a hero, said I was the greatest general that ever lived.
General Omar N. Bradley: (looking at a newspaper and chuckling) And now they draw cartoons about you.

Everyone else lands in Somewhere. A disgusted Lake (I know, that’s redundant) wants to “catch their asses.” Perhaps he’s now channeling Jonathan. The Double-Duhs, weary of Cold Shower, eye up the Italian Army guys that they pass. Or maybe they’re part of the Sicilian nationalist movement.

Meanwhile, Haight—Ashbury chance upon a Detour, which, as we all know, is a choice between two tasks, each of which may be inappropriate for children under 13. First pull up, then pull down. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. (That’s for Jeremy.)

It’s “Laundry” or “Foundry”. In Laundry, teams get to ask themselves why no one in this Sicilian neighborhood uses dryers anymore. Only 16 out of 2400 pieces of clothing strung above the streets have Race-colored tags in them. They must take the clothing (wish it were all of it that they pulled off) to a Sicilian matron who will beat them senseless with a cane give them their next clue.

In Foundry, teams will have to lug a 110-pound bell into a small truck and take it up a series of steps (not with the truck) to a church where a priest will give them the last rites their next clue. If Bolo were in this race, he would have the option of leaping with the bell from the top rope onto Ricky Steamboat.

Perhaps tongue in cheek, Haight—Ashbury decide that they’ve done enough needle-finding so far, so what’s a little more? They decide to do Laundry, all the while searching also for a new apartment (the rent’s bound to be cheaper and the occupancy rate lower than the Bay Area).

In rapid editing succession, I’m With Her (complete with much more oobie on Monica’s part), Crappy Wanderers, and Slide Rule (yes, it just may be code) get their clues at the Rollie Massamino Teatro. But Dave very nearly took a second clue! As you may recall from TAR 6, that would incur a 30-minute penalty. A panicky Lori makes him put it back.

Barry drives through the streets of Inferno like a madman, passing on the right and such. What does he think this is, the Capital Beltway at rush hour? He says he’s just driving like Italians. He has to pull over and defibrillate Fran, however. Slide Rule wish they could drive like that. They’re jammed up in traffic, like the Capital Beltway at rush hour.

Haight—Ashbury find a designated article of clothing pretty quickly, and as they depart, pay first and last month’s rent along with a deposit. Sorry, though, no pets. They also start talking Italian—sort of—rather loudly. The Sons of Italy flood CBS’ inboxes and phone lines. As the matronly laundry lady gives them H—A their clue, they smooch her. Now they must make for Siesta and the ancient Teatro di Siesta (don’t ask me why they use Spanish in Sicily; too bad for Wanda and Desiree, eh?).

Caution: Yield A Head! Since H—A can’t figure out a head of what, they think about whom they might Yield instead. There are only two Yields on the Race, and a team may only yield someone once. A team that is Yielded must stop racing until the commercial break on ABC is done, and they must eat McFood with the Weavers. BJ and Tyler give some playful thought to Yielding Cold Shower.

After Rayola and Double-Duh get their first clues, they make for the Castellammare del Golfo. Sort of. Double-Duh get the Meredith and Maria Fellow Noo Yawker Award for not knowing how to drive a stick. You’d think after the last couple Pit Stops, that wouldn’t be too difficult. This enables Submission to pass them. That is a Significant Development.

Since Cold Shower is a pair of young strapping alpha males, they naturally decide to do the laundry Detour. “This is one of Phil’s turtlenecks,” they say as they pull it off a line. Then as they find another one of “Phil’s shirts” let out in the front, they find the tag. They then wonder whether they will be Yielded. Of course, that would imply that Haight—Ashbury saw them as some sort of threat. As far as we know, Cold Shower exercises considerable restraint and does not smooch the laundry matron. They have scruples, you know.

I’m With Her gets a local to lead them to the second clue on the waterfront, and then to the Detour. Just a little flash of oobie on Monica’s part goes a long way. They opt for Foundry; remember, this is an Athletic Team, with Monica especially boasting of her athletic prowess. But a short way into lugging the bell, Monica complains that Whatshisname is going too fast. (Or was that at the Pit Stop? Oh, I don’t know.) Whatshisname wrestles the bell into the truck, and as he does so, the Crappy Wanderers happen to see him and quickly decide that even though they are Physically Fit Seniors, a hiatal hernia might not be worth it. Whereas Monica complained about carrying the bell before, she whines when Whatshisname insists on carrying the bell himself up the stairs, but she is ultimately impressed. Still with the local, I’m With Her deliver Monica the bell to the priest and get their next clue. Normally, Monica would be bouncing up and down, but she misses her cue and lets out a “Woo-hoo!” instead. Three million disappointed male viewers change the channel.

The Wanderers pull over and quickly decide—again—that there’s no clue box to be had. It can’t be anywhere near the beautiful sea, even though it’s called the Castellammare del Golfo. I mean, I don’t know squat of Italian, but even I could figure out that it had something to do with the sea! So after five to ten minutes of wandering up and down the street aimlessly (but remembering where Barry had put his false teeth at home), they are reunited with the clue box on a very special episode of The Amazing Race. By the way, Barry is sporting an inconspicuous U.S. flag do-rag, in case any al-Qaeda operatives are lurking about. As they start looking through the clotheslines, Barry wonders whether the whippersnappers even know what a clothespin is. Sure they do, Barry; it’s used to keep their Doritos fresh! (More PP. Sue me.)

All the while, Haight—Ashbury reach the Teatro di Siesta, or should I say, the foot of the hill on which the Teatro is located. It’s a mile Due Up to the ancient Roman theater, and if you remember anything about ancient theater, there would be a Yield just before the chorus. So in chorus, Haight—Ashbury mug for the cameras and say, “We choose . . . nnnNOT to Yield!”

They then move on to the Roadblock: What’s wrong with this picture? Either Haight or Ashbury has to put together Greek statues in a Roman stadium, to the satisfaction of an archaeologist who hasn’t received any grants lately. Where are all the Roman statues, the Playboy mansion? But. The Racers don’t know that there are Two. Extra. Pieces. to each statue. (Wasn’t “Two Extra Pieces” a Jack Nicholson movie?) Tyler goes to work.

Patton: I don't know why, but the image of a bullet coming straight for my nose was more horrifying than anything else.
General Omar N. Bradley: Well, I can understand that, George, it's such a handsome nose.

Less surprising than the Wanderers, Slide Rule choose the laundry. As Rayola and Submission get the clue by the sea, Yolanda reaches her “Baby” quota for the week. They hope to catch up by doing Foundry. After being chastened in the last leg, Michelle praises Lake for his clue-spotting skills. One would hope that a dentist could detect her clenched teeth as she does so, but this is Lake we’re talking about. Finally, after giving the Army guys some R&R, Double-Duh get their Detour clue. They’re not very confident about their chances, whining about how they’re 22, just graduated from college, they’re too fat, etc. Guess they have no aspirations to be the Bransen sisters. They sulk toward the Laundry.

Patton aide: What are you doing there, soldier?
Soldier getting up from floor: Trying to get some sleep, sir.
Patton: Well, get back down there, son. You're the only son of a bitch in this headquarters who knows what he's trying to do.

Lake finds a line to start pulling clothes from, but it belongs to the Mario Brothers. Both Mario and Luigi jump on top of him. It takes Michelle to point out that they’re in the wrong place.

Slide Rule are growing increasingly frustrated with the laundry. Back in Kansas, I figure they wait for the next tornado, throw their clothing out the window, and just pick up their laundry after it’s done. This allows Submission and Double-Duh to catch up. Slide Rule try to collect themselves during the commercials.

Patton: Now, an army is a team - it lives, eats, sleeps, fights as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap.

Lake, who has to make EVERYthing a contest, proclaims to Michelle that he’s better at putting clothing out than she is. Apparently, the clothing that was not marked had to go back on the line. I bet he measures how much he extracts every day and keeps the piles in his office for 7 years. “Here, look at this decay from February 18, 2003!” They give up and go to another apartment.

Accompanied by faux “Kashmir” music, Rayola take the bell up the steps. They too had to stop briefly also while hauling it to the truck. Yolanda pats Ray’s butt as he ascends carrying the bell solo. The producers put a check mark next to Obligatory Rayola Butt Reference for this episode. Yolanda is verklempt as they give the bell to the priest.

Slide Rule finally finish their session of “What They Probably Should Wear” and take off, wondering whether they should use the Yield. In so doing, they pass Rayola, who did catch up with the bell task, but then squander their good fortune asking people where Teatro di Siesta is. They run back to their vehicle as Slide Rule drive off. Then Rayola commit a Frequent TAR Error; they have no idea where they’re going, but they just drive anyway. Meanwhile, Slide Rule embraces a novel concept; they follow signs to Siesta.

At Siesta, Cold Shower makes their way uphill while Tyler continues with the statue. He credits his anatomy class in high school. He notes, but does not use, the two extra pieces. The archaeologist gives him the okay and their clue to the Pit Stop a mile away at the Tempio di Siesta, which means Phil is sitting in a crappy early 90’s Ford.

Haight—Ashbury arrive and are greeted in the ancient temple by Phil and Megan Linz after a perm. They think their prize for being first will be a pizza, but instead they get a “digital imaging package” from Duracell, including a computer, printer, digital camera, and . . . BATTERIES (oooh, aaah)! H—A try to act enthused about it, but it’s not that much above the cameras they used to give out. I think they would have preferred the pizza.

Eric sets out to build his statue, but he seems to be enjoying it too much. He says that Greek guys are ripped, and when Dani puts hers together, she’ll leave him. (That was so two Pit Stops ago!) I’d hate to see what he’d do if he were putting together the Venus de Milo; it’d probably have to be on the upcoming “Amazing Race Gone Wild” DVD. Eric also figures out that the two extra pieces are a distractor, though not nearly as much as anything with oobies. They head for the Pit Stop and greet Megan with “Holy Hottie!” Which is as enthusiastic as they get after Phil tells them they’re second. An irked Phil asks them why they’re not more excited; they respond that they made a lot of mistakes. You want mistakes? Stay tuned for mistakes.

I’m With Her is worried that someone may have Yielded them, but since no one else on the Race even knows they’re in it, they have nothing to worry about. Monica works on the statue.

Clergyman: I was interested to see a Bible by your bed. You actually find time to read it?
Patton: I sure do. Every goddamn day.

Back at the tenement houses, Lake asks someone (I’d say God, but he’s probably disconnected Lake’s line, and is too busy with Linda Weaver anyway) to help him find the marked clothing. Ironically, it’s Michelle who finds it. Lake expects a reward for his efforts: “Kiss me, darling! Sugar blossom!” Husbands, take credit for your wives’ accomplishments. Michelle knows better than to have any input on the decision to Yield, so she lets Lake decide. He mentions Double-Duh, who are the last to get their clothing. The matron gives Double-Duh a look as if to say, “Arrividerci already!” They decide things could be worse; they could still be in Russia. The way they’ve raced, I’m surprised they’re not still there myself.

The sun is going down, and by this point, both Slide Rule and Rayola are lost. Fortunately, they can’t get too far away because they’re on an island, a benefit Wanda and Desiree didn’t have. Lori guarantees a few letters from the Sons of Italy when she says, “We were in the backwoods of Brazil, and now we’re in the backwoods of Italy!” Rayola discover they should have been on the autostrada, and estimate they lost 15-30 minutes. Fortunately, they get some directions from some lumber place where the workers all get their fill of Yolanda’s butt. Ray doesn’t mind so much this time.

Monica is getting frustrated with the statue as the Crappy Wanderers arrive. She eventually figures the extra pieces, but yells as she leaves that she’s such an idiot. Hear anyone arguing? I’m With Her is third. Meh.

Patton: Fixed fortifications are monuments to the stupidity of man. If anything made by God can be overcome, anything made by man can be overcome.

Submission catch up to Slide Rule through the benefit of the map. Slide Rule start up the hill, which will be an arduous process for them. Dave encourages Lori to run, but she doesn’t want to. Think your cameraperson wants to, either? So one would figure that Submission should blow by them fairly easily, right? Except that Michelle, trying to deflect all blame, gives Lake the clue. They start heading uphill, until Lake spots this ancient temple in the distance. He figures that MUST be the Teatro. Hey, Lake! Remember you got your first clue at a “Teatro?” Or did that matter?

So, inexplicably, Submission turn around, run downhill, and head for the Tempio . . . and Phil. At least Lake had enough common sense to do an about-face, go back to the same hill, and go up again, all the while trying to think of how this is Michelle’s fault. But before they do, the Wanderers pass them. Lake asks, “Where’s the Teatro?” Barry replies, “I can’t tell you.” Ouch! Fourth place for the Crappies.

Rayola are still heading somewhere in the direction of Scylla and Charybdis. They stop at a gas station and get more directions. Double-Duh is heading toward Siesta as well, where some hot, thirsty, out-of-shape, and exhausted DAWs are making their way uphill toward the Teatro. Lake is saying “sonfoabitch” every other second. Meanwhile, Slide Rule have this exchange up ahead:

Lori: This is ridiculous.
Dave: Please stop saying that.
Lori: I need some water.
Dave: Please stop saying that.

Like all before them, Slide Rule opt not to Yield, saying “what goes around, comes around.” Lori elects to build a statue. Remember, she is Hot (well, sort of in that sense, but I mean the other definition of “hot”) and Bothered.

Patton: "Despicable". That's the first time anyone's ever applied that word to me.

Either forgetting or unaware that Rayola is also behind them, Submission Yields Double-Duh. Or, should I say Lake does, because Michelle tells all who will listen that she had nothing to do with it, and she apologizes profusely. But then again, she’s the one who let him decide. What is it like when these two try to choose a place to go out for dinner?

Double-Duh arrives at the Yield and are naturally in disbelief. Their responses: “That’s pathetic . . . we’re a threat to them? . . . Whatever . . . payback is a bitch.” Ah, terminology that Lake understands! He also probably understands, “They’re hicks from the South and they’re jerkoffs.”

Lake proceeds to do his 4th straight Roadblock. Looking forward to Michelle having to climb a rock face at some point, are we? Lake’s explanation: “I’m a dentist; I’m good with my hands. Oooh, rock me, I’m a dentist!” Notice he didn’t say he was any good with a drill. Michelle continues to give Lake her, um, encouragement. When Submission depart, Michelle begs Double-Duh not to hate her as she goes by. In that regard, it was a good Yield placement with the chance that whoever did the Yielding had to pass by those who were Yielded. Nothing like facing your accusers, is there?

Like most of the teams preceding her, Lori puts the statue together. Unlike most of the teams preceding her, she figures the two extra pieces Have To Go Somewhere. Jimmy the Greek Dave tries to convince Lori that she must have a piece of the thigh. Speaking of “piece of the thigh,” Rayola finally arrive at the bottom of the hill, but not before Double-Duh are released from their Yield.

Trouble ensues. Having taken apart her perfectly finished statue, Lori starts having a hissyfit because she can’t figure out where the extra pieces go. She can’t make them fit on the thigh, and asks for Dave to help observe. His reply: “If I could see that far, I wouldn’t need glasses!” Looks like a new volcano may be about to blow its top in Sicily, or (more likely) crumble from within.

After the final commercial break, we find Lori crouched in a fetal position, exasperated. This gives Dave an opportunity to make out with Danielle. Finally, Lori puts the statue back together as she had it, and the archaeologist pulls a Phil psych-out before giving her the final clue. Dave looks up from Danielle’s bosom and leaves with Lori, trying to come up with some sort of alibi. Danielle calmly puts her shirt back on, figuring the night has nowhere to go but up from here.

Patton: I thought I would stand here like this so you could see if I was really as big a son of a bitch as you think I am.

As Submission run downhill (again!), they pass Rayola. Helpful Lake encourages them to run so that they may avoid elimination. After all, it doesn’t matter to him; he’s got three teams behind him, including “fat Dave,” who, after all, is bigger than Lake. We don’t see whether Lake called Rayola “sons of bitches” for not having Yielded them instead of Double-Duh. For some melodramatic reason, he carries Michelle into the Pit Stop and collapses on the mat. Phil, through gritted teeth, tells him to “Rise, my friend.” Herb Alpert music does not ensue, nor does Phil hit him with a stage wine bottle from Bavaria, but Submission are fifth.

Ray takes a 3-1 lead in Roadblocks by opting to do the statue. He comments that he needs an upper thigh, “like my girl, she’s got good thighs.” Ray is obviously the only one assembling a statue of Earl Campbell. Thighs appear to be a problem for Dani, however; hers are out of whack. On the statue, that is.

Fat Dave and Lori stumble into the Tempio sixth. Phil tries to lighten up the mood by asking about the workout program that TAR is putting them through. Instead, Dave talks about how upset he was that they got frustrated with each other. They hug. It is a Tender Moment. Look for Lori on Starting Over sometime soon.

Back up on the hill, Ray tries to psych out Dani by saying, “It’s getting close!” and “I’m coming like Christmas!” Well, that’s about the speed we’ve been going here. Dani still has the leg messed up when Ray is allowed to go. Finally, Dani straightens the leg (insert your own joke here) and is given the last clue . . . which, in her haste, she almost doesn’t take. Both teams are rumbling, bumbling, fumbling, and stumbling down the hill. Yolanda is worried that Double-Duh might come faster than they think. Again, use your imagination.

To cap off a perfect day of being lost, Rayola stop and check a sign to see where the Tempio is. It couldn’t be that illuminated thing in the distance; maybe it really IS a car! Eventually, some lengthy shadows appear inside the Tempio, which as anyone who watched Looney Tunes knows, are generated by a bunch of mice. This time, however, it’s actually Rayola, who come in seventh.

Well, could this be a non-elim? I mean, they don’t often have a Yield on an elimination leg, do they? No, the George Winston piano music is playing, so that means Double-Duh is Philiminated. They say the usual mumbo-jumbo about character, friendship, growing close, etc. Then Phil mentions their success in hooking up with the opposite sex, i.e. Cold Shower. They less than enthusiastically reply, “Yeah, it was fun,” then realizing the camera is there, they say they’ll be friends with Cold Shower “for ever and ever.” Until the test results come back.

Next week: The lvoely and talented Breezy (and maybe her DD?) gets to tell you about Fun In A Sicilian Market, complete with circus-type music! Barry becomes a wheeler-dealer, while Monica gets upset that she has to carry a fish and get her shirt and hair messed up! Oh, the HUMANITY of it all!

Thanks for reading. As always, I watched so you didn’t have to.

Thanks to imdb.com for the Patton movie quotes/paraphrases.