LAST EDITED ON 03-28-06 AT 05:54 PM (EST)

You're sure it's safe? Honest? We're outside the United States? North America is far behind us? And we're probably not heading back until the final leg? You promise? Because I've been hurt before. I've had some really bad dreams, and most of them involve shrieking. And clucking. Lots and lots of clucking. If we're back to the real Race, to the biggest factor being the IQ of your taxi driver, to teams paying for their own gas, to this little thing called 'Weaver? That's the chicken, right?', then maybe, maybe, we can all start to heal.

Okay. I'll try to do this. But I swear, if I hear one person celebrating their own methane production, this car is going over the first available cliff...

So: previously on Teams of two? What a concept!, ARNutz stands ready to give you the details -- but if your mouse is on its last ball, here's the quasi-short version. The Race twisted, contorted, and bent over backwards in many unnatural ways in order to do the one thing necessary on every version of the course: get Phil's zipline-owning cousin his lone contract of the last six months. Eric & Jeremy tried to get the phone numbers of all the previous women who had slid down it from the zipline, because anyone who would go down on anything is just their kind of partner. This did not work. BJ & Tyler tried to smoke the zipline. This did not work. Michelle tried to cut the zipline and send Lake to his screaming-slightly-less-loudly-than-usual death. This also did not work, but we were all rooting for her. By the way, in the local language, 'zip-pe-de-do-dah' translates directly to 'triple bunch point': once at the Save Phil's Cousin From Dining On His Own Fingernails Charity Fund, once at a bus station with three departure times available, and finally at an airport with -- gasp! -- one departure time available! That's right, everyone wound up on the same flight to Moscow! They wasted the first twenty minutes of the episode getting to the Really Big Nine-Way Tie! No one ever saw that coming!

Once in Moscow, our teams had to face the Roadblock, which challenged one person with several hard questions. These included 'Why don't you know how to swim?', 'Did you think not being on Survivor would let you avoid the swimsuit quota?' and, just for Wanda, 'We understand that you're afraid of putting your head into any water deeper than six inches, but how do you feel about letting your daughter hold your head under?' Eric & Jeremy's attempt to join the -12 Degrees Taxi Club was aborted when Dani & Danielle, who've been racing around the world on their accents, figures, and streaked hair, ran into that whole 'brains' issue again by leaving their clue pack at the pool. This broke up the horny happy foursome, but don't worry: Girls Gone Wild With Idiots: International Edition will be coming soon to an E! infomercial near you.

This mini-breakup took place in the middle of searching for the Detour, which offered two options. Really. Two options. You were expecting six? It's the ninth season, people: adjust. The teams could try to find a Russian trolley depot that was originally classified as Super-Ultra-Top-Secret-No-Kidding-You-Could-Die-Just-For-Reading-This, which meant their only chance was to first locate one of the six deposed regime generals now working as a taxi driver, and no one liked those odds. Still, it had to be better than the other branch, which challenged Racers to open up to 1,489 kachina dolls, working their way to the interior until they found the one containing Charla, who would give them their next clue. And they had to do this while ignoring Russian music. And Russian dancing. And Lake, who, according to Linda, is currently located just outside Kansas City. Eric & Jeremy continued to show that luck knows no bounds, reason, or taste by finding the clue first and racing to Red Square, where they were supposed to meet Phil. Of course, this is a team whose reading comprehension score on anything that doesn't contain measurements, turn-ons, and the words 'two dollars for the first minute and a dollar-fifty each additional minute' is just about zero, so they failed to notice that all they were doing was -- meeting Phil. This is Phil. Isn't he a nice guy? Don't you pity him for having to deal with this crew? How do you feel about what he's been doing with his hair? And are you still on the Gus Pledge? I am. Let's watch Phil as Eric & Jeremy approach, quietly happy in his certain joy that he won't have to deal with them for more than a few seconds before sending them away. Don't you wish you could say the same thing? You can't. We've got them for the whole episode. But Phil is about to be happy, and let's not keep him waiting for his joy any longer than we have to. After all, this poor man had to deal with the Weavers. He's earned something.

The odds of getting everyone else's lingering karma settled in the next hour-minus of broadcast time are really, really low. Roll opening credits.

And here come Eric & Jeremy. Don't they look happy? They're happy because they think they're in first place. They're happy because they think Red Square is the name of a Russian-founded group sex act. They're happy because they've noticed there's no greeter standing next to Phil, and that means they have their favorite be-yotch all to themselves. They're happy because if they keep winning trips, they're going to wind up going to a country where prostitution is legal, which means that if they can just work out that whole 'man vs. woman' identification issue, their sex lives will finally exist at the low rate of two dollars for the first minute and no discounts for finishing in less than that. And they're happy because ignorance is bliss and that gives them the kind of permanent high most people only experience in two-second bursts from a really good dark chocolate truffle.

They reach Phil, and Phil's happy too! Because -- look! Over at the mat! Slower than Nick's plot arc! More obvious than which minicorp is going to win the current task! Able to completely waste a whole episode in forty-eight excruciating minutes! It's Suuuuuuuperleg! Yes, it's Superleg, unwelcome returnee from a previous season, blessed with story-halting powers beyond those of mortal FOX executives, able to render every action prior to its revelation pointless in the single whip-out of a clue. Superleg, waging a never-ending battle against pacing, elimination episodes, and the mere concept of anything having a point. Superleg, whose appearance means everything that happened in the previous episode, and probably most of what's going to happen in this one, was just there to waste our time.

Phil brings out the clue, and Superleg laughs before taking flight. Slow, pointless flight.

And where is Superleg going? Glad you asked. The Racers have to head back to the airport and catch a plane to Frankfurt, Germany. Once they arrive, it's an additional hundred miles by train and taxi hop to the world's premiere Mercedes-Benz factory in the city of Stuttgart, where they'll assemble munitions by hand that will be used to slaughter those of lesser races receive their next clue. So that's one bunch point at the airport, probably another for the train, and a third for the factory. Superleg's been working overtime. But if we're very lucky, the clue might contain the words 'crash test dummies', and since there's just so many things about Eric & Jeremy that either have or should go permanently limp, there's still Hope, which is the second greatest of all treasures. First-greatest would be having Superleg die from a lethal dose of Ratingsovernite.

Eric & Jeremy try to figure out how to get to Frankfurt. After several minutes of careful pondering that was interrupted no more than sixteen times by wondering what a passing Russian woman looks like under her coat, they realize that an airport may be somehow involved. Since there's probably attractive counter attendants who can explain it to them in such a place, they decide to head for one. By the time they agree to check out the big-flying-things place that exists near the city they're actually in, the sun is most of the way down, the earth has slowed on its axis, and the unified field theory has fallen apart from sheer depression. Lake & Michelle arrive a few minutes later, jump several feet in the air when they learn they're the second team there, and then try to pound Phil several feet into the turf when they learn they're leaving again. Fortunately, Phil brought his golf equipment, and Lake is quickly held at the safe six-foot distance for the time it takes him to calm back down to his usual level of incipient mass-murderer. This allows the sun to set the rest of the way before our favorite future police bulletin catches a cab, with Michelle noting that no one else they know can say they've run across Red Square. Not sure, Michelle. Some weird things happen behind closed Southern doors, and if we're very lucky, none of them involve Eric & Jeremy.

So it's airport time again for our arriving teams, and Eric & Jeremy are already on the way there, ambivalently depressed about their not-really-first finish. They wanted to be standing on the mat and holding hands with 'the chicks', also known as Dani & Danielle to most of the population, although we can trust that their names aren't what our boys are interested in. They found it slightly gay to be standing on the mat and holding hands with each other. That's right, you two. That's the first step. You'll be at genie-summoning by the first non-elimination leg. Let's see the PTC do something about that.

Ray & Yolanda take their U-turn with fair grace (although Yolanda echoes Michelle's 'Oh, shoot!'. However, this one didn't try to give a demonstration). Ray wants to get out of Moscow tonight and open up a lead on the other teams. Plus he's getting tired of people coming up to him and asking if they can see the bottom of his feet, just to check if the coloration goes all the way around. Of course, he'd have the same problem in selected parts of Utah, and if you got that, you should be ashamed of yourself. Personally, I'm just working out some flashbacks.

Back at the kachina branch of the Detour, Fran & Barry are still searching through the nesting dolls, wasting time by sealing each one back up after they're done with it -- and there's the clue! They're free! They can go! They just sealed Charla back up! Don't worry: I'm sure there's an air supply in there. Somewhere... But that's not really the main focus of worry right now: that belongs to BJ & Tyler, and they're worrying about Fran & Barry making it to the mat. Not about themselves. Not about their own position in the Race. About another team. This is very, very weird right up until the moment you start thinking about the hippies as conniving evil deceivers who just want to haul the weakest team along with them to the final three and then clobber them in a footrace. Then it makes perfect sense.

BJ & Tyler take a running leap onto the mat, find out where they're going, and take a flying (censored) off the mat. BJ opens the clue, finds that the teams have been provided with a fresh load (and unknown amount) of cash for the second half of the leg, then decides that a bribe can't possibly hurt and passes Phil a dollar to make sure their taxi gets valet parking. Phil points out that he made fifty times that much from sympathetic Russians who thought the mat was his home for the night. Tyler reclaims the dollar. The hippies race off -- but pause to celebrate as their favorite patsies U-turn in fifth place. Fran & Barry are still in it! They're still racing! And they're still slow! (If you think about it, there's some weird timing involved here: Fran & Barry were shown clearing the Detour as BJ & Tyler headed for the mat. Either the hippies got lost in Red Square for a while or Team Doomed accomplished that rarest of travel methods, the edit-teleport.) The future victims are congratulated, and both teams head for the airport.

That's all the kachina teams -- but what about our trolley cleaners? Still at it, with Danielle grousing that there were things she'd rather be doing in Russia, like finding out what a Red Square is. Wanda & Desiree depressedly learn that trolley cleaning means the supervisor actually wants the trolley to be cleaned, and if they'd known that before they started, they would have left. Dave & Lori dutifully scrub. Joseph & Monica twist their vacuum attachments onto the ends of their wrists and try to use trolley dirt to fill the hollow void inside. Momily II and the Outerbridge Girls finish just as Eric & Jeremy reach the airport, heading straight for the Lufthansa counter. (No strategy involved. They went directly for the most attractive counter attendant.) As it turns out, there's a flight leaving for Frankfurt at 7:05 p.m. that night, and there's just enough time to get tickets. Lake & Michelle arrive in time to see our horndogs picking up their tickets while trying to pick up the attendant (because with these two, there's always time for a quickie and not enough discipline for anything longer), but they're not in time to get on the flight. Check-in has closed, because once you've checked out the horndogs, you won't want to look at anything else for the rest of the night. The first flight takes off with Eric & Jeremy as the only team on it, marveling at their luck. If only the plane was heading out of Australia and going a thousand miles off course...

Pity they missed the pairing up, though: Dani & Danielle simul-arrive at the mat with Wanda & Desiree, and you just know they've been having some fantasies in that direction. (Dani notes that the cathedral 'looks like something'. And one day, we may find out what.) Both teams head out again, with Wanda declaring the leg to be 'long and tedious', much like all Superlegs everywhere, and the Outerbridge Girls declaring their intention to staple their clue pack to their All-Star Survivor. That's right. They only have one between them and the clue pack is going to be stapled to it. This probably explains a lot, but you really don't want to picture it. And just to complete our odd foursomes, Joseph & Monica share a cab with Dave & Lori. Again. They must think they're not fighting for next-to-last place. That's so cute... Or Dave & Lori are just paying for the cab because if they do, Monica's promised them they can sit at the cool kids table. Of course, Monica's lying, but isn't it precious, watching our nerds fall for it? Gullibility is cute! And useful! And in this case, a really good way to stay out of last place, because the more athletic of the teams rushes ahead and checks into their U-turn in eighth place, well out of nerd sight. This lets Dave & Lori arrive in the depressing position -- with Phil milking it for all its worth before handing over the clue.

Dave is more than a little worried about their last-place finish at the 'Psych-you-out Pity Stop' and what it means for their future finishes. Obviously he hasn't watched the show all that much. Airport, Dave. Bunch point. Whoever heard of something crucial happening at an airport as far as race times went?

Well, sure, but that was so five minutes ago.

Lake & Michelle find a flight on Aeroflot that leaves at 9:15, which puts them, in Lake's estimation, no more than an hour or an hour and a half or two hours or five minutes behind the horndogs, or however long it is until his last dose of numbing agent wears off his patient, he never could figure those things out. After an indeterminable wait in line, they claim their tickets just as Ray & Yolanda arrive. Oddly enough, Lake personally brings them to the right line and warns them about the slow attendant before heading off to board the flight. (Southern courtesy. All people like Lake just know that Ray wouldn't have been capable of doing it on his own.) Team Doomed and the hippies arrive shortly thereafter and join the cluster. The line does not move. The line continues to not move. The line is doing a world-class job of imitating the Superleg. Fran notes that nothing is happening. Fran has finally seen the obvious. We're all very proud of Fran, but we're glad there wasn't a cluebox at the ticket window, or we'd still be waiting for that brilliant notation.

More waiting. All the teams are there now. Dani & Danielle mournfully note that Eric & Jeremy got out first because they played with the dolls with all that blow-up experience translating nicely, and if they'd just stayed with them in the cab instead of having to go back for their clue pack, they might have gotten that flight, too. (This is quite possible, because Eric & Jeremy always get off first -- out. I meant out.) Finally, the cause of the delay is revealed. We have a Bill Gates Billion-Dollar Bunch Point: the airline's computer is down. The hippies decide to stay in the line, with BJ and Tyler taking different windows in case the classic Russian Reboot (one kick, hobnailed) actually pays off.

Meanwhile, the editing would have us believe Eric & Jeremy flew to Germany in a little over an hour. The horndogs just barely make the train heading out, and note than they seem to be catching everything by seconds, as opposed to their dating lives, where they only catch people for seconds and everything else they've caught should be cleared up any dose now. This would normally be just another case of the alpha male team pulling ahead, but that's two lies in three words. They're just lucky. Luck has to even out eventually. Right...?

Or maybe it just relocates, because the ticket window in front of Tyler just slammed open. The computers are back up, and the hippies have just enough time to get their printout, run to the plane, and receive some half-sincere congratulations on their luck from Lake & Michelle. Yolanda's window opens a few seconds later, and she buys tickets -- not so fast. She can't buy tickets. Check-in is over. There are no more tickets being sold. Just because other people seem to be getting tickets doesn't mean any more Racers can get them, because the attendant's supervisor told her not to let anyone else on. Everyone can just come back in the morning and catch the first available flight out: 7:00 a.m. This has nothing to do with Yolanda being black. Or female. Or American. (Well, maybe American.) This is just some more flight karma rebounding onto the course. Unfortunately, said karma was looking for Uchenna & Joyce, and went for the only do-rags in the group as its homing target. But it's still active, it's strong, and this line is closed: the six teams left behind in Moscow are going to have to call it a night. The rarest kind of Race point, a separation one, has just made an appearance. Can even a bunch point save the other teams now?

Well, no. Not in one episode. But don't worry: they'll be all caught up by next week's first commercial break. All we've got here is the first one for this episode, and when we come back, the Racers are trooping out of the airport to find hotels -- excepting Joseph & Monica, who feel they can bend their limited joints into a suitable sleeping position on the premises. Plus their painted-on eyelids don't close, so what's the point? Eric & Jeremy use their train ride to research the area, the best way of moving around it, and what they can expect to find there. However, their fellow passenger tells them the local girls will have to be really drunk before our duo has any chance to pick them up, so they scrap their plans for the evening and head for the factory instead.

'Victory is ours!', the horndogs cheer. Wrong. Bunch point is yours. In order to receive their next clue, the teams will have to go along for a test drive on Mercedes-Benz's oldest track, the 'Wall Of Death', and there's that Hope again, although it's really just a tribute to what the company did during the glory war years. But the first chance to take a drive is at 8:30 a.m. -- several hours off. Eric & Jeremy quickly figure out that means time for sixteen hundred encounters each, resurrect their earlier plans for the evening, and since Germany does have legal prostitution, there goes the rest of their leg money. Lake & Michelle, arriving shortly thereafter, are stuck with each other, which at least spares the rest of us. BJ & Tyler's connection at the hip, while inferior in strength to Dani & Danielle's link at the rear, means they're both booked for the evening.

Morning dawns, the six teams stuck in Moscow get out on that 7:00 a.m. flight, and since it doesn't take about an hour to travel the eleven hundred miles, the leading teams start their runs on the test track before that plane touches down. (Apparently Eric & Jeremy had some trouble making bail: the track runs go Lake & Michelle, hippies, and then horndogs.) Sadly, they're not being allowed to drive themselves: each team has a professional driver taking them around the course, and that means we can't even root for a crash, because surely someone in Germany has to qualify as an innocent victim by now. But as for why they call it the Wall Of Death -- well, today the teams will be taking a ride in the new LE Parker, The Spectacular Spider-Car, because the driver accelerates to 170 kph and then takes the car into the 'high bank' part of the track. What does this mean? It means a nice, slow, subtle tilt of the road until the car is driving along at 170kph on the vertical. All four wheels are still in contact with the road, of course. It's just that the road is vertical too. You'd hardly notice. Well, you might not, but Michelle, wearing a mask over the lower half of her face so her local special interest groups back home don't become jealous about her getting to meet with a spiritual founder, has noticed. And can't stop noticing. At the top of her lungs. This is actually halfway safe if you're with a professional test driver on a closed course, but it's not an experience the average American driver has been through, excepting those of us who regularly navigate the New Jersey Turnpike, and we're hardly average. Michelle can't touch Northern ground without spontaneously combusting, so the screaming goes on for a while. BJ & Tyler, who normally view the world on the perpendicular, are momentarily silenced by the shock of seeing things as the majority does, and vow to never go through it again. Eric & Jeremy have a few bad moments as their brains, rattling around in their skulls, make contact with their medullas for the first time in their lives -- but it's just temporary, and their body functions go back to being unregulated almost immediately. Especially that one.

The three lead teams get to take custody of the test-drive cars, and now have to steer them to the town of Bad Tolz, some two hundred miles away, which is the first time we've seen Bad Tolz on the course since Debbie and Bianca drove two hours up the coastline by accident. The current Racers are looking for Ellbach Field. Well, Lake & Michelle are looking for a lynching ground, BJ & Tyler are looking for interesting imported plants, and Eric & Jeremy are looking for the local milkmaids. But theoretically, all those things could be in a field. Probably not the same one at the same time, but you work with what you've got. Oh, and that rule which says the Racers always have to obey the local speed limit? Is toast, because the road you take for most of the way is A-8, also known as the Autobahn, which has a speed limit of 186,274 mps, and that's just to avoid the car coming up behind you. Eric & Jeremy have found a map somewhere, and they've even found Bad Tolz: it's about ten miles past Munich. Now, they just need to learn what all the colored lines mean, and they might be okay.

The camera switches to the trailing pack as their train pulls into Stuttgart at 11:15 a.m. (Since the test drives were one on top of the other -- you can actually see the cars of other teams in some shots -- and fairly short, this puts the lead teams about two and a half hours ahead.) The usual taxi scramble follows, with Fran & Barry as the last team out of the station, and Dave & Lori as the first of the pack to the factory, with Ray & Yolanda close behind. Lori thanks the powers that be for her lack of food on the train (and lack of vomit on the windshield) just as Wanda & Desiree pull in, with Wanda urging her driver to 'Schlop.' Desiree suspects she was aiming for 'Schnell' -- 'fast' in German -- and missed. Wanda believes everyone should be able to understand her accent and intent. After all, she's going to be part of the U.S. majority population in fifty years or so, and the majority is always right in insisting that everyone speak their language, so what's Germany's problem? In response to this, several buckets of schlops are delivered to Wanda's car while Dani & Danielle pile into theirs, and the Outerbridge Girls deal with this kind of driving twice a day during rush hour, so they're fine. Joseph tries to get into the drivers' seat before Monica reminds him he's not cleared for that accessory, which is followed by the joy of watching someone without properly jointed elbows and shoulders trying to fasten a seat belt. It takes about six attempts, edited down from six hundred. (Plastic Passenger Joseph: Now With Windshield-Cracking Skull Action!)

Beyond that little anatomical inconvenience, all of the trailing teams get through the test track in one piece, although Joseph is a little startled to have his neck work for the first time since his box was opened. Which means that now is the time on the Race when everyone starts looking for directions: the nerds run into early problems, Ray & Yolanda find someone willing to draw on their map, while Wanda's accent renders the town's name incomprehensible and her daughter inconsolable. The Outerbridge Girls have no problems in saying the name (and a degree in speech pathology had to come in handy somewhere), but they aren't willing (and possibly able) to function on their own, and decide to follow Momily II. Fran & Barry read their own map and head straight for the Autobahn. Joseph & Monica decide to keep riding the backs of their favorite horses, locate the nerds, and ask them for directions. Dave & Lori announce their plans to head for a gas station. Joseph & Monica drive off. Dave & Lori wait until they're out of sight, then get in their car and head straight for the Autobahn. Their initial confusion cleared before Fantastic Plastic ever got there, and they're ready to strike out on their own. Being hauled around the world as part of someone's ideal Final Three grouping was not in their plans. This is a race, and the sooner they leave the NA Couple (stands for Non-Articulated) in the dust, the better. *sniff* Our little geeks are growing up...

Back to Wanda & Desiree, looking for signs that indicate the road to Munich. Desiree, riding in the back, notes she hasn't seen any, which is probably because one is currently visible. Behind her. On the other side of the highway. Somehow, Momily II has gotten on the right road in the wrong direction, Dani & Danielle are ignorantly following them with no thought to reading the signs themselves, and somewhere in America, a teenager in the Rogers family sulkily tells his father that he still hates him, and knows exactly why. Eventually, Desiree notices the cameraman going for the irony shot, looks behind her, and figures out the problem. Momily II immediately pulls off to the side of the road, and the Outerbridge Girls follow in short order, because whatever Momily does, they're going to do. Desiree tells them they've been going the wrong way. Dani & Danielle agree that Momily II was going the wrong way, because they've just been told so and it's not up to them, this 'questioning others' thing. The ramp arrangement doesn't allow a U-turn from the next exit, so both teams will have to circle around for a while before they can head in the right direction. Our Staten Island team notes that everyone is racing blindly and these things are going to happen. And they will, as long as you can't think on your own or use a map or your own resources or this little thing called 'your brain' and yes, I mean the one you're both sharing, which is apparently located in your All-Star Survivor, these things are certainly going to happen. To you. And eventually, they'll be happening courtesy of Eric & Jeremy, and my, how they'll laugh...

Speaking of the horndogs, they've just reached Ellbach Field, and guess what? All three leading teams are going to be happy! The field is filled with soles-up blue boots sticking out of the ground and pointy hats coming from the dirt. This is something BJ & Tyler would normally only see with Special Help, so they're okay. Clearly people have been lynched here, so Lake & Michelle are in great shape, although they might have a bad moment before they realize the pointy hats are red: nothing like finding a potential graveyard of your own... And Eric & Jeremy? There's holes in the ground. Who needs money now?

Which should have been the Roadblock question, but instead, it's Who Wants To Help Us Sell Out Again? And it's also the second intrusion of that abomination known as the Travelocity Gnome onto the course, although it at least looks like he had to die a few dozen times to make it back on the show. There's a hundred and fifty hats and boots scattered around the very large field. Eleven of those, when lifted, will reveal a large hole containing a gnome with a clue taped to his feet. The other one hundred and thirty-nine will reveal a small hole and a peg on the bottom of the body part and/or outerwear. (The Racers have to replace each piece after they check it -- no helping other teams by narrowing the field of intact debris.) Once you find your gnome, you can go. Jeremy's the first one onto the field, although it takes some shouting from Eric before he stops gazing at the first small hole with adoring intent. A few checks later, he finds his gnome, which he brings back to Eric while gazing at it with adoring intent. And patting its head. And rubbing its stomach. And telling the gnome how good it is to see it again. We're about to learn some things about Jeremy that we never wanted to know, so let's skip to the clue: they have to report to the studios at Bavaria Film in Gruenwald, not too far away. Eric & Jeremy get back in the car, bringing the gnome with them. The clue said to. And so did Jeremy's heart. Or parts lower down.

Meanwhile, Lake & Michelle are having some trouble finding the field -- but it doesn't last long, because what they just found was all of Gus' beer, currently residing in the seriously-soused body of a local who's walking along the road. He knows how to get to the field. Lake offers him the wheel so he can drive them to the field. The man wisely refuses because he's too drunk to drive. Lake immediately decides anyone that perceptive is worthy of sharing a back seat with his wife, and invites the man into their car. There are no trust issues. The man is drunk, Caucasian, and claims to know exactly what he's talking about at all times, no matter how drunk he is. He's practically an honorary Southerner. Onwards!

The delay in picking up a future son-in-law lets BJ & Tyler catch up to the newly-incorporated Drunk Taxi, and both teams reach the field at the same time, with Lake and BJ tackling this low-effort Roadblock. Lake sensibly decides -- did those words just go together? -- to work the opposite side of the field from BJ, so as to avoid effectively looking in the same place twice. This works, and a little luck helps Lake finds his gnome first. Tyler goes into his semi-mystical ancient Tibetan spirit-summoning idiotic-looking dance, hoping that it'll also work on gnomes. This sort of works, but it's really BJ's incredible ability to ask a question of the universe and get an answer that saves them from hours of Caught On Film: Morons: BJ asks what a gnome looks like, lifts a hat, and finds out. Just like wondering what the clue in the kachinas looked like and finding out. (If he ever asks the universe what a check for a million dollars looks like, the Race is over.) Lake, afraid of losing that six-inch lead, tells the hippies to follow them: their passenger will give them directions back to the main road -- if they drop him at his house first. BJ & Tyler, confident in their karma and not really having better things to do, agree, and follow the other team while wondering where Lake & Michelle found a German man to help them. (Umm... in Germany?) Tyler puts out the 'they rented him' theory. Which is just ridiculous. They're much cheaper wholesale. Or you just requisition them from Central Command. Any good Aryan could do it. Are those two good Aryans? Don't think so.

And now, through the magic of editing, Fran & Barry arrive! (It's about two and a half hours later, but don't tell anyone.) The best map-readers in the group have gotten a lead on the rest of Pack #2, and Barry tries not to lose any of it at the Roadblock, immediately deciding that he's actually at the Toronto Detour and heading straight for Foot Fetish. Several pairs of exhumed boots later, he's got his gnome, and Team Doomed heads out feeling they've finally hit their stride. Riding in cars, traveling with a chance to use maps, a little fast-walking and light lifting -- why, this leg of the race was just made for them! And it's not as if the course could hold anything harder than this!

Back to Wanda & Desiree, looking for signs that indicate the road to Munich. Desiree, riding in the back, notes she hasn't seen any, which is probably because one is currently visible. Behind her. On the other side of the highway. Somehow, Momily II has gotten on the right road in the wrong direction, Dani & Danielle are ignorantly following them with no thought to reading the signs themselves, and does that look familiar? Really? It should. Because they did it twice. Wanda just navigated herself into the exact same mistake she made the first time, the Outerbridge Girls mindlessly followed, and now they have to turn around and find a way to the right side of the Autobahn again. They pull over in the exact same spot. They have the exact same complaint. Wanda notes that this is like Groundhog Day, which is very light code for 'endless torture'. Desiree starts to give up on her mother. We wait patiently for Desiree to catch up to the rest of us in this department. And we reach the second commercial break.

When the show returns, Wanda & Desiree are arguing a little, apparently because Wanda is disappointed in her daughter's inability to make an entire country spontaneously rotate a hundred and eighty degrees. Dani & Danielle do what they do best and mindlessly follow them through what the editing makes out to be a very, very long U-turn, requiring a few different roads and more than a couple of miles to successfully execute and where do they think they are, Manhattan? Eventually, the two female teams get on the right track and side of the roads, although all hope of 'right minds' has gone out the window until they get some -- and speaking of living la brainless loca, here's Eric & Jeremy, arriving at Bavaria Films -- and the Detour.

Option one: Embarrass Yourself. There's this dance. It's German. It involves repeatedly slapping parts of your body as you move about, but none of those parts include your own face, so it's not as fun as it could be. It's pretty complicated: the slap patterns aren't simple, and there's steps to do while you're trying to remember which limb gets the stinging pain next. Teams picking this one will be taught part of the dance, and will then have to do it in rough concert with several professionals until they get it right. It probably isn't any worse for movement patterns than the thrice-damned Macarena, but the slapping adds a new element, and teams who feel incredibly embarrassed about their forced costume-donning and who also have trouble moving in a full Olympic 'Hey, walking stereotype!' leiderhosen outfit could take a long time. (As in previous Races, when special outfits are required, they're stocked and designated for each team to keep sizing from being a problem. Having to wear leiderhosen in public is still a problem, but you knew you were going to suffer when you sent in your audition tape.)

Option two: Delight Us. And how one of the worst episodes in Race history wound up containing its greatest Detour branch ever, we'll never know... Picture this. Once again, our teams will have to get dressed up in full leiderhosen. Once again, they're working in the Bavaria Film studios. But this time, there's a lot less movement involved. All they have to do is stand next to a long table and break wine bottles over each other's heads.

You heard me.

The rules are simple. You alternate smashes: first one team member breaks a bottle over his partner's head, and then the victim gets to retaliate. However, you can't go too fast: there's a cuckoo clock in the room, and it's one headache per cuckoo. (No time is given, but it seems to be one smash every half-minute or so.) Now, these are stunt bottles, designed to break easily, and the Racers are wearing hats as part of their costume -- but stunt bottles still hurt, they're still filled with alcohol, and it could take a lot of smashing before you get your next clue, because what you're looking for is the bottle's discarded label. The right label will have the word 'Prost' on the back. This is German for 'Cheers', which is not to be confused with the German for 'suicidal drunk who wishes only to die and escape the living hell his life has become'. That's 'Probst'. There's a lot of luck involved here, and teams who don't chance onto the right bottles could wind up taking a long time. And suffering several concussions. And, in the best-case scenario, dying. The branches are in the same building (and Racers can watch other teams from their respective stations), so switching takes no time at all. You could move from bottles to dance and back to bottles again. And then you could suffer brain damage, forget you were supposed to leave after finding the right label, and spend the rest of your very short life repeatedly smashing bottles over your partner's head. It's a completely brainless activity that anyone can do, although you sort of get the feeling that this task was designed expressly for the use of the Horndogs and Female Victims Of The Moment, since any ensuing lawsuit would have to prove the damage didn't exist before the Race and the first three episodes are also known as 'Exhibits A through C'.

Just to demonstrate the point, Eric & Jeremy display the intelligence that's brought them this far and opt to do the bottles.

Jeremy notes that the leiderhosen are probably going to wind up jammed in their All-Star Survivors, which brings up the question of how Dani & Danielle are going to get into the costumes. The partners take their positions in front of the table, with Jeremy set to hit Eric first and a little worried about the proposition -- the bottle is heavy in his hands, and he doesn't want to hurt his friend, especially if it'll make him look bad in front of the cute blonde native who's supervising the process. But the clock has gone cuckoo, and now is the time on the Race when we all get to sit back and really, really enjoy ourselves. Eric takes a bottle to the head. Smashed glass. The reek of cheap stunt alcohol. Headache. No label. Jeremy takes a bottle to the head. No label. A dazed Eric notes how cute the supervising native is. Jeremy yells 'Hey, that's my girl!' and smashes a bottle over Eric's head.

Let's face it: the only way to top this is to have a Detour in South Central, dress the teams up as Crips and Bloods, then let the Racers stab each other with prop knives until they find the one that's real.

Back at Ellbach Field (and somewhere unknown in time), Ray & Yolanda arrive, with Ray taking the challenge and his unlucky time about completing it, finally finding a gnome towards the back of the field and returning to his partner just as Joseph & Monica, who apparently got better directions or a better slipstream than our geeks, arrive. Monica realizes the task involves physical movement and since Joseph recently had an extra joint materialize, he's going to do it. Dave & Lori show up while Joseph is still trying to master the mysteries of 'the knees', but their luck isn't quite as good: the plastic bends out first, the nerds tabulate their exit second, Ray stops to get directions, and enough of this little stuff: let's get back to people hurting each other!

Eric & Jeremy are starting to get bored with the task, because they can't go out with the supervisor until they finish. (She tells them she's willing, but only if they pay. Going rate: everything they have, plus everything they've ever had, plus everything they ever will have. But for fifteen seconds of ecstasy, it's worth it!) They're also starting to get a little bit concussed. And drunk, but that's just from osmosis. They continue to hit each other with bottles, one per cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Still no label. Jonathan and Victoria inspect the lack of 'prost' with complete dispassion, then go back to clobbering each other with bottles, sometimes not even bothering to wait for the enabling cuckoo. Jonathan blames Joe Rogan for the whole thing. Bolo tells him to shut up and enjoy the experience for the tender act of love that it is, then goes back to proving his devotion to his own Lori. There's a line to clobber the Weavers, who aren't allowed to handle bottles. I spend nine hundred dollars on an emergency round-trip flight and get in line twenty-eight times, then switch to hitting Wil for two trips out of pure nostalgia. Everyone breaks bottles on the Guidos. Some people even get the dog. Gus hangs around the smashing parties and tries to catch scattered drops of wine in his mouth. BJ & Tyler arrive at the same time as Lake & Michelle, but no one cares. Eric & Jeremy get their label, stagger over to the supervisor, collect a cheek-kiss each because the poor woman is drunk on fumes, weave their way out of the studio, and still no one cares, although I did manage to get a good smash on Jeremy as he went past me. It's the Greatest Detour Of All Time, and little things like teams actually getting their clue isn't even going to slow us down.

And what does that clue say? I guess it might be important later in some vague way that has nothing to do with finally getting to pound some sense into Linda's skull, so we might as well go over it. It's sending the teams to the next (and real) Pit Stop, located in Munich on the Leopoldstrafe. They're looking for the Siegestor, which is a one hundred and fifty-three year-old monument to peace in the middle of Germany, which on the current scale of irony is something like having the Bill of Rights in Washington D.C. Phil is waiting there. The last team to check in may be eliminated, but don't count on it. They will be eliminated, because on the reality torture scale, the concept of 'Super Non-Elimination Leg' goes to 11.

Both of the freshly-arrived teams are doing -- wait for it -- Delight Us. BJ looks for a private place to change because he's not wearing any underwear, and if you didn't need to know that, well, neither did I. Michelle demands to know if Lake is really going to break a bottle over her head. Lake responds with the most enthusiastic, enthralled, kid-in-a-gun-shop 'YES!' ever heard on the Race, which will shortly be surpassed by me at the exact instant someone breaks a bottle over Lake's head.

Cuckoo. BJ hits Tyler. Cuckoo. Tyler hits BJ. Cuckoo. They both hit each other with bongs, but it's ruled not to count. Cuckoo. Lake and Michelle arrive in their leiderhosen, and Michelle somehow manages to claim the right of first shot. Cuckoo. Michelle clobbers Lake. Pounds. Just absolutely puts a dent in his skull to match the one that nature already provided. Lake, starting to realize exactly what he's gotten into, tells Michelle 'All you have to do is barely hit me!'

Michelle immediately responds with 'Oh, shut up and take it like a man!'

Lake shuts up.

You sort of get the idea he's heard those words coming from his wife before...

Lake risks one hit to his wife's head, an almost soft double-tap against the temple. Michelle protests that this still hurts and Lake will certainly pay for it later, but it's all that has to be done: that's the bottle with the right label. Lake & Michelle head out, but not before Kevin & Drew deliver one sound blow each. A very concussed Tyler calls 'Bye, guys!' and goes back to the busy work of killing his partner, but only gets a few hundred bruises in before the right label reveals itself. BJ tells the supervisor he wants to go dancing with her, in German. She tells him he's drunk, stunned, and has no chance, in Female.

We time-jump again, and find Fran & Barry arriving at the Detour. Calcium loss really shouldn't be tested for on skulls, so Team Doomed opts to embarrass themselves with the dance. They succeed beyond their wildest dreams: it's embarrassing beyond belief. They fall behind early, lose their rhythm, never catch up and may have, at some point, attempted to Charleston. Barry asks the coordinator to back up and try it again. The coordinator asks the producer if he can personally go to the bottle option in the desperate hopes of shortening the pain.

Somewhere in time and fifteen pull-overs for the stench of cheap booze reeking from their car in a solid trail for one mile behind them later, Eric & Jeremy reach Phil, who's waiting at the mat with the final real sign of the end of a leg: a native greeter. To wit, he's there with the Travelocity Gnome, Special Living Edition. He's short, he's round, he's got a big white beard, and he's happy to see Eric & Jeremy, mainly because he hasn't met them yet. They're team number one! They still have their gnome! They've won a trip to Africa! There are women in Africa! In fact, given where they're going, there might even be wet T-shirts at Victoria Falls, although two of them will belong to Kevin & Drew! Phil notes the lipstick on their cheeks, learns who it came from, and calls the horndogs 'the biggest Casanovas we've ever had on the Race'. Eric & Jeremy blame Dani & Danielle for leading them into temptation when all they wanted was fulfillment -- theirs -- then hope the Outerbridge Girls make it to the next leg so they can try out more 'tongue wrestling' at the Pit Stop. Phil's expression at this is everything you'd expect it to be, but with none of the projectile vomiting.

Our other two lead teams are still navigating the streets of Munich and consulting each other occasionally through rolled-down windows. BJ borrows a trick from the nerds, allowing Lake to pull ahead of him and out of sight before asking -- and getting -- directions from another car, then taking off down the right street. Michelle, realizing they've lost their means of mindlessly tailing, which should really be called 'mindlessly Outerbridging' for the rest of the Race, grouses. Lake tells her that if she can't say anything positive, don't say anything at all. Michelle immediately erupts into something that sounds roughly like 'Go, Lake! Lake, woo-hoo! You'll make it! You're the best! All of human evolution, which only exists in our state for the purposes of this sarcasm, has led to you at the pinnacle! Lake, Lake, he's our man, if he can't do it, great!' Lake's lips curl as he slowly starts to realize he's being dissed, if not what the word 'dissed' means.

BJ & Tyler come in second, running backwards to the mat as Phil glances at the native greeter and observes 'They're running backwards. You see that, Peter?' (And you wondered how he got this job.) After a backwards jump onto the mat, Tyler greets Phil with a wide-eyed stare that says he's already had the best of what Germany has to offer, thank you much, and may he please have another whack of brain damage?, while BJ gets a good look at the greeter and exclaims 'Santa!' Peter Gnome patiently explains that Santa is a mythical figure, something like the likable reality show contestant. Lake & Michelle come up a few minutes later, solidly in third. And concussed. And drunk. And bleeding from a thousand microscopic cuts. It's been a good leg all around.

This finishes off the leading teams -- so meanwhile, in Pack #2, the dance coordinator has realized he could be stuck with these DAWs for the better part of a week, and so passes Fran & Barry through the instant they finish a routine without fracturing anything. Joseph & Monica arrive in the parking lot as Team Doomed is changing into their street clothes, leading to the following deathless observation.

Monica: 'They're here already.'
Joseph: 'Who's here?'
Monica: 'Somebody.'

Back up, boys: she's all his.

Fantastic Plastic enters as Team Doomed leaves, wondering how the older team got ahead of them. This will be the last thing they're capable of wondering for some time, because they're going for the bottles. Joseph's first blow takes Monica's hat completely off. Monica's first blow takes Joseph in the stomach. Joseph's second blow puts a small scratch on Monica's finish. Monica grabs two bottles at once and goes for Joseph's eyes. Joseph's head springs up ten extra inches on his extendable neck. The referee calls the fight for Monica, resets both of them, and tells them to check the labels as they go on Round Two.

Outside, Ray & Yolanda pick the wrong street to try for the studio, letting Dave & Lori slip past them and into sixth place. Geeks don't fear pain because it all just comes off hit points anyway, so they go with the bottles. Ray's background gives him experience in bottle-fighting and being a lawyer means not caring about inflicting pain, so they're doing the glassware too. There's a scramble in the changing area, with the nerds being passed again as Lori struggles into her leiderhosen (with Ray complaining that his might be the wrong way around, and Yolanda telling him no, he just has a large rear. Hey, just who were those men in Brazil really whistling at?), but it ends in three teams in the smashing area at the same time, and that means we've now got a serious chance for fragmentation damage. (Greatest. Detour. Of. All. Time.) Ray hits Yolanda. Oprah files a lawsuit. Yolanda hits Ray. Oprah is oddly quiet on the subject. Dave hits Lori. Lori hits Dave. Both take a non-proficiency penalty. A band of Germans in full costume come in and start dancing around the table while native music plays. All six Racers pause, look at each other, grab bottles, and attack the Germans. Lori's full-on face hit to the trombone player (done exactly on the cuckoo beat) reveals a Prost label, and the geeks opt out of the slaughter in favor of the Pit Stop. The other two teams shrug at the nerd luck and continue the massacre.

The ensuing delightful carnage is interrupted by a trip outside to Ellbach Field, where our two all-female teams have finally arrived, Outerbridge a little ahead of Momily II. Danielle and Desiree head into the field. Desiree spends a little time digging in an empty hole, hoping the gnome is farther down, but finally realizes that this one's been claimed and moves on. Dani and Wanda watch, with Wanda groaning about having to compete against each other, and Dani showing the faintest sign of a neuron actually firing, pointing out that in the Race, teams can only help each other for so long -- and then someone has to go home.

A little luck doesn't hurt in avoiding that fate. Danielle pulls out her gnome, leaving Wanda & Desiree alone at the field.

The sun starts to set. Desiree puts a headlamp on and continues searching, but there's only three gnomes left, and her odds have become very, very low. She has no trouble finding where they were: empty holes crop up everywhere she looks -- but no gnome. Wanda, for her part, criticizes her daughter for not sprinting between posts in the dark. Desiree, stressing out, loses track of which areas she's checked and which ones are just going to contain nothing anyway. She limps back to her mother, looking for support. The person who's been stressing her out tells her not to stress out. Desiree takes this in the spirit it was intended -- complete lunacy -- and goes back into the field. A few more minutes' work at the farthest end of the field, as far away from her mother as possible, and the final gnome of the night is located. Momily II heads out, suspecting they're in last place. (Good thing Wanda didn't do this one. She's probably phobic about sticking her hands below ground level.)

Fran & Barry check in: a delighted fourth. The bottle-breaking teams take a moment to clear away the last of the bodies, then go back to hurting each other. The producers respond by sending in more German troops. Joseph & Monica spot the problems involved in taking on a human wave assault and switch branches, heading over to the dance floor. Of course, dancing requires fully working limbs, and Ray gets a good laugh from the mere thought of the artificial team taking on that challenge, predicting they'll be back soon -- but Ray doesn't know what the dance coordinator went through on Fran & Barry. Anything close enough will do for a pass, and in this case, 'close enough' equals 'I think I saw them move'. Stop-motion animation still counts for twenty-four frames a second: Joseph & Monica clear on the first attempt and head out. Yolanda realizes that anything they can do, flesh and blood can do better, and calls the switch. This mortifies Ray -- you can get back in the 'hood after beating on your woman with bottle after bottle, but after doing an ancient white man's dance in leiderhosen? He's going to be the first man in history to have the race card played just so his can be torn up and revoked. But Yolanda said 'do it', and we all know where the power is in this relationship. Ray does it. An exact visual of how Ray looks doing it will not be included here because if you listen closely, all of Chicago is still laughing, but if they find his suicide note anytime in the next nine weeks, you won't have to read very far down for the cause. Ray & Yolanda clear.

Dave & Lori: fifth, crediting their improvement to stopping the whole Outerbridging thing. Joseph & Monica: sixth, happy to still be in it. Ray & Yolanda: seventh, with Phil giving out a bit of drama for the ones at the back of the mini-pack -- and Dani & Danielle reach the studios, driving in the dark. Getting hit over the head with bottles is so Date Night back home, so they opt to dance and, as with nearly all the others, clear on the first try in the name of getting them out of there. (Oddly, Danielle is the only who doesn't wind up in full leiderhosen, somehow getting a local sweater over the suspenders. You can take the Staten Island girl away from the fashion, but tell her that the results will be shown back home and you're dead.) They exit the studio at the same moment Wanda & Desiree enter it, nearly colliding with them -- but out to the car, out into the night.

Wanda & Desiree do the slap dance. Desiree's face clearly shows who she'd like to be slapping. Clear.

And two teams driving through a near-moonless night in a foreign land, the lead team looking for something to follow: directions, another car, anything -- but no one seems to know where they're going, and they fear they're lost. The trailing team knowing what they're trying to catch up to, hoping exactly that very thing has happened. Or in other words, the usual edited 'Gee, who could it be?' semi-drama of the last teams on virtually every episode. So: time out for reality. Given time to change clothes, learn the dance, get it right on the first try, and change back, all taken at top speed, Wanda & Desiree are at least ten minutes behind, more likely fifteen and possibly twenty. Does anyone really think Dani & Danielle are capable of losing that much time through error, bad directions, and brainlessly following the wrong path?

Right. Me too. So this is actually a race, with teams seeking guidance, looking for anything that'll help them reach their destination, Dani & Danielle hermorraging seconds as they ask again and again for directions, actually stopping within sight of the monument to ask a taxi driver if it's where they're going -- and that's when Wanda & Desiree spot their Mercedes. Dani & Danielle find their competition in the rear-view mirror. It's going to be a question of who can dump their car first and reach the mat on foot, unless someone's crazy enough to try driving directly onto it, please don't run over the host, we may need him later, choppy shots of the sidewalks and the sound of running feet --

-- Dani & Danielle: eighth place.

Wanda and Desiree, mother and daughter, approach slowly, Desiree's arms spread wide in acceptance, knowing. Peter Gnome gives them the news first with a sorrow-tinged 'Welcome to Munich', and Phil confirms it: last team to arrive, and eliminated from the Race.

'One wrong turn after another,' Desiree mourns, the leaders having suffered more than the followers. She's proud of her mother still, especially on camera, but admits the last four days have been absolute hell for them. Wanda confesses to her daughter's adulthood and that she has to be treated as such, perhaps even especially on camera. Desiree, for her part, might wonder about how many more times she'll have to treat her mother like a child. And they walk off, peacefully heading for Sequesterville for their wait to appear at the finish line, wishing they'd taken a few of those bottles with them. It's not just the drinking aspect: throwing them at Outerbridge heads might have slowed them down...

...or just bounced off harmlessly. Nothing else has gotten through.

Three teams down.
Eight left.
There's never been two Superlegs on a course.
Cross your fingers.

Next week on the Race: the remaining teams head for the rolling hills and crisp air of Sicily. That's it. That's all that matters. They're going to Sicily, beautiful Sicily, and I'm stuck here writing this summary. An unspeakably lucky avian known as Cygnus will be describing that for you, and the (thrice-censored) could get there under his own power if he really wanted to. Lucky, lucky (violates sixteen decency statutes and twelve laws of physics) Cygnus...

Peace, over and out. And now, if you'll excuse me -- *!SMASH!*

Linda? Stay down.