LAST EDITED ON 02-11-06 AT 06:16 AM (EST)
A last few little pieces:
My Memoir of The Bachelor in Paris: Episode 5
a.k.a. "Around the world in 80 days~II: Faster, Shorter and Uncomfortable-er"
a.a.k.a. "God!? Why am I still watching?!"
(Authors prologue: The show actually started with flashbacks of all of the previous Bachelor's Meet-the-Family dates.
We see Firestone and Berge, Guiney and O'Connell and that guy from Season 1. We are treated to various displays of gut-wrenchingly tense/awkward moments between the Bachelors and the prospective bachelorette's families. Child abuse and nympho-grannies included.
Needless to say or even go on and on about, they were all in various stages of uncomfortableness.
Except for Trista and Ryan. Who somehow serve as the "benchmark" couple for MikeFleiss. Producer of all-things-carp.
Luckily for those of us that have decided to stick it out and watch yet one more season of this dreck can rest assured that those flashbacks will be like sleepy-little-lamb-dreams compared to what our current seasons Bachelor will have to endure.
With my hands rolling over each other like a mad scientist, it's time to commence with the blahbiddyblahblah and get to the "Dates in the States".)
"Welcome to the OC. (Halloween Special.)"
(Author's Note: I'm not exactly sure how much time Moana had to prepare for her one-on-one (Plus Parental Units) date with Dr. Travis. But she pulled out a performance that rivals most best-supporting-actress nominations in any Oscar season. (And she's not even the actress.))
Travis arrives in OrangeCounty. Of course he first notices the slightly effervescent aroma of sparkling orange juice, which if you've ever been to the OC you would know it's a very intoxicating and sensual scent that tinges everything from our clothing to our strange venacular, Dude.
Henceforth, Travis jumps off the plane and into his boardies and flipflops and rushes to meet Moana at one of OC's gnarliest breaks.
Meeting him on the beach with 2 shortboards and a blanket is Moana. (Moana, also is the sound that unexplicably crosses my lips when I think of this woman making Final 2.)
Travis: "That's what I like about her. She's real. and She's mysterious. She's real mysterious."
(Authors note: Hmmm...maybe the whole sun-soaked beach was the wrong place to hold this "date".
So without further ado, to fit the mood, the "Moana date from home" will be taking place in Transylvania. On some fog soaked mountain-top castle with the local blood-suckers playing a large part in the "family" dynamic.)
Travis takes part in a demonic ritual at the side of some eerie lakeshore.
His Hostess of darkness, Moana, mentions that the date is the "best experience of my life". (All while mixing up a special potion that renders normal well-educated men, feckless.)
"Drink, Travis. Drink. Now let's get wet."
The two of them row out in small rafts to the calmest part of the lake and Moana begins her ritual.
"My parent's are looking forward to eviscerating ...er... I mean meeting you. You're so full of blood ... er ... qualities we are in need of."
Travis: "Hmmm... I'm starting to feel a little woozy."
Moana: "Perfect, now let me seal it with a little
bite ... kiss. Let's go meet my coven family."
After a particualarly scary and tense ride through the jagged carpathian mountains they arrive at the ancient castle with demondog chaperones at their side.
Ringing the doorbell lets loose an ear-shattering scream followed by a slow creaking noise as the Coven ... er ... Family opens the door and meets their dinner ... meets the Bachelor for the first time.
VampVirginia(Step-monster): This whole situation disgusts me!
Cheryl(BioMom): Yummm...I'm hungry.
Travis(Victim): "Nice to meet you all. Thank you for having me for dinner."
Cheryl: "Our pleasure. I hope you find our hospitality..."
Dinner was served (or was it appetizers, cause I believe I haven't seen the "roast" yet. And it only lasted 30 minutes.)
Travis: "Soo...nice place you got here Ray."
VampVirginia: "Thanks but where is all this nice attitude coming from. Don't you know I h...ate all of my
spawns daughters suitors?"
Moana stares slack-jawed.
Cheryl: "So do you like being so deliciously hot?"
Moana: "She wants to know how you like her buns. The one's on your plate. She made them special."
Travis: "Mmmm...your buns are delicious."
Moana: (Aside) Geez...that was close.
VampVirginia: "Make sure to choke on them you foul piece of worthless trash. You low-life attention whore."
Moana: "She hopes you stick around long enough for dessert." (Another bullet avoided.)
Travis: Sure. "I just wanna say I'm sooo thankful to you for inviting me into your home. Oh my head, I'm feeling a little woozy."
VampVirginia: (In her best burnsian accent) "Exxxxcellent! Smithers, time to start this roast!"
Next thing Travis remembers is waking up from a sleepy fog, his eyes still blurry and his mind a jumble of flashing images. Mostly of CountRay attacks andVampVirginia saying "Now eat your chopped liver, Travis".
He notices he's arm in arm with Moana. And thinks "at least I have my arms". Moana is trying to hold him up and walk slowly down the front steps of the house.
He wakes up a little more and starts to mutter something about his liver.
She interrupts with a ... "Shhh Shhh Shhhhhhh, now now Travis, everything is going to be okay." She leans in and plants a big silicone-enhanced one on his lips.
"Mmmm... that was great. Thanks for coming to see me."
Travis: "I think I may..."
Moana: "Shhh... I know. I know my darling. Everything went great. You did great. My family really enjoyed you."
She then leans in as she settles Travis into the waiting limo. Plants a small silicone-enhanced one on his cheek and whispers..."Sorry about my family."
Closing the limo door she mouths "See you in Paris". Travis believes she says something about bareasses. And feels a pang of fear as he also swears he noticed Moana's eyes spontaneously change colors from brown to red.
He's driven away and Moana laughs and waves from her dark house.
Reassuring Sarah (a.k.a. All about Moana)
After Travis' narrow escape from the evil-clutches of Moana's Coven. He get's on a plane and flees the country. Settling down in a small town called Winnepeg.
A magical little land of tiny-airports, petite stone-arched bridges and miniature ducks.
Travis is here to meet with the diminuative blonde, Sarah.
Sarah chooses to meet with Travis next to a river. The river Le' Blanc de Blanc. Named after the two founding races of Winnipeg.
Author's note: All you really need to know is that it's cold and foresty. With lot's of Ducks. None of them black.
Sarah offers up some of her stale buns to Travis. Travis has a flashback.
Sarah: "It's for the ducks."
Travis: "Well at least it isn't chopped liver."
Sarah: "You are what you eat."
Travis: "If that's the case then lets go down and get some brews. You got a local hangout?"
Sarah: "My favorite place, it is called The McKenzie Bros. Let's go, hoser."
They quickly down a pint. (Ummm...making the conversion from EnglishStandard to Metric makes that ... what, like ... 3 litres?)
The situation quickly heats up.
they decide to spend some time chasing each other around a big felt-table poking a stick at each other.
Yes, it's as dirty as it sounds. Sarah moans alot and stomps her feet. Travis expertly handles his stick and manages to make his balls glide across the table.
He's trying to coach Sarah in the fineries of poking her own balls but she can only manage to hit his with the stick.
Apparently, he wins the foreplay.
Or maybe she wins. Because even with abused balls he has to go see her family.
Travis: "So how's it going?"
Sarah: "Great, I lvoe not being around Moana."
Travis: "So you hate Moana too?"
Sarah: "Everyone hates Moana Travis! America hates Moana for pagan-idols-sake!"
Sarah: "She's a fake. A fraud. A bitch. and something that rhymes with bitch. IYKWIM?"
Travis: "'Nother brew please. Ditch?"
Sarah: "Oh forestdiety!"
Travis: "Hmmm...never though of it that way, but I guess she enjoys the outdoors. So, I can agree."
Sarah: "Nevermind. Travis, do you think I'm cute?"
Travis: "'Nother brew please. Yes."
Sarah: "Cuter than Moana?"
Sarah: "I know. Nevermind. I can't wait for you to meet my family. My brother is a big fan of the show. I know they're excited to meet you."
Sarah: "Travis? Are you more excited to see my family or Moana's?"
Travis: "'Nother brew please. Yours."
After having the 3 or 4 brews (12 litres?) required for dealing with immaturly-self-absorbed girls. Travis is finally ready to meet the body-building brothers.
Okay, one more thing about Winnepeg. From the looks of Sarah's family, there must be something in the water that breeds smart-goodlooking people. In truth Sarah was the least attractive member of her family and I'd even go so far as to say the dimmest to boot.
Sarah's Mother, Julie, welcomes Travis with open arms. WOW! What a MILF!
Sarah's Older Brother, David. A med student. Big Hottie!
Sarah's younger Brother, Steven. A Pilot. Little Hottie!
Travis sits on the oversized couch sharing a cushion with the MILF. Who leans in closely and quickly mentions that her daughter is much better than Moana.
MILF: "In fact, She's funnier. She's more beautiful. She knows Canadian History better. ... She's blonde-er..."
Little Hottie: "I even hear she's shorter. But since I'm not wearing my glasses I can't tell." (Yes, the pilot said that.)
Big Hottie: "I can tell you for sure she's not named Moana."
Travis: "ARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!! Moana! Moana! Moana! It's alllll about Moana!"
This proclimation causes the Blonde-er one and the MILF to retreat to the bed-room to discuss "game-strategy".
Sarah: "I gotta snag this one mom. He's hot and rich and I know he'd shake my groove thing. But when I see the other girls eyeball him I just wanna cry.
Why?!!!?! Why did it have to be Moana!"
MILF: "Obviously the guy doesn't like talking about Moana. Maybe it's because he doesn't like Moana."
Sarah: "Hmmm...could be? Maybe I should just like maybe not talk about Moana."
MILF: "Couldn't hurt."
Sarah: "Okay sounds like a plan"
They re-enter the room to find Travis and Big Hottie playing doctor and med-student.
Sarah becomes slightly jealous of the situation and states: "When you guys are done making each other cough. Perhaps, Travis, you'd like to talk with me for a moment. Come back to my room."
Travis has a moment of panic. The pieces have finally stuck themselves together. Sarah lives AT HOME!!!!
He meets her in a BenjaminMoore"pinkpalace" painted room with pretty princessy things carefully placed in each nook and cranny.
The flowing crown and veil over the bed gives him a little bit of trouble as he uncomfortably lays down on a twin-sized bed with side-railings painted to resemble castlewalls.
The plastic sheets underneath make a familiar sound as they kind of fffzzllllipp against the sheet.
Sarah: "You have to keep one foot on the floor. My Mom's rule."
Travis: "And I suppose you have to leave the door open to?" Lifts his head slightly to peek at the cracked door. "Oh, I guess the answer is yes."
Sarah: "Yup, Mom says that boys are made of snails and puppydog tails. She always says, "When you have boy's in your room you gotta keep your door open and one foot on the floor. I guess she needs to keep her eye on them."
Travis: "Okay. Well, I like your family. They seem nice."
Sarah: "Better than me?"
Travis: "No. Not better than you. Just differently."
Sarah: "Oh. ... Do you like them more than you like Moana?"
Travis: "That's it. I gotta go folks nice to meet you all."
There's No Place Like Home.
Travis flees screaming from Winnepeg and settles back at home. Ahhhh...Nashville! Place of um....country....um...not that I'm a fan, really.
Conveniently enough for him, he can "kill to birds with one stone". Get a little R&R and finally walk the dog. Oh and I think there's something else, but I can't remember.
He takes "Nala" out for a gingerly walk to the park.
(Author's Note: I lvoe dogs. So it even saddens me a little that I choose to make fun of his surely lovable mutt. However, that's not my mood today. So let the fur fly.)
"Nala" must be 'country' talk for Yeti. This "purebred" Heinz57, is brown with both fluffy and matted hair. Her gait is purposeful as if she's part EthiopianTrashHound, desperately in search of scraps of edibles and non-edibles alike. But apparently, food wasn't actually what she was sniffing for.
Unfortunately for Travis he forgot to bring a big enough "doodiebag". As Nala finally decides on the perfect squat-spot. What? She's been holding it for almost a month now!
Anyway and this is a funny coincedence, Travis actually runs into one of the girls who is on the show that he is taping.
SarahTennesse: "Wow! Travis? Is that you?"
Travis: "Sarah from Tennesse? Wow! That is weird. Just imagine the situations needed to lead up to this fateful event. Wow! It boggles my mind.
Sarah: "I know. Toooo weird. I mean who would have thought that after meeting you in Paris that we'd actually meet each other all the way back in my hometown."
Travis: "What? You live in Nashville?"
Sarah: "Yeah, just right down the street from here."
Travis: "No Way! Me too! Just down the street."
Sarah: (as played by Elaine Bennis) "Get ... OUT!?"
She shoves Travis forcibly causing him to fall backwards, landing on his rear onto the grass.
Travis: "I know. Weird, huh. But soon I'm moving to the mountains."
Sarah: "But, there are no mountains in Nashville."
Travis: "I know. Weird huh?"
Sarah: "Hmmm...you gonna be a doctor anymore?"
Travis: "Naw...I'm gonna live off-the grid on some mountain top, slaughtering moutain goats for food and clothing. Growing organic herbs to sell to local Yetis."
Sarah: "Wow ! All the way in Denver?"
Travis: "Well, I can dream can't I."
Sarah: "So do you at least see yourself with someone? While you're doing all this slaughtering and organic farming?"
Travis: "Oh sure. But, I hate kids."
Just then (Like a scene out of Laverne and Shirley when they discuss something horrible and outrageous and in walk Lenny and Squiggy), out pops an entire cadre'(?) of children.
Screaming, hollering, yelling and sixteen other versions of loud oralizing noises.
Travis screams in panic and hides in the nearby forest.
Sarah then calmly walks up to the children and simply says... "BenjaminBelly". (Or some other seemingly innocuous child-speak.)
The children stop, drop and form themselves into lines on the grass.
Sarah then leads the children in some strange hybrid of the chicken-dance crossed with the macarena with a little rump-shakin' added in.
Travis is stunned. (Frankly, I am too.)
Travis: "Wow. You are really good with those ... those ... little people-like things."
Travis: "Do you cook too?"
Sarah: "I'm better at eating."
Travis: "Well, I was thinking of BBQing some chicken and steaks, wanna come over for dinner?"
Sarah: "Well, you are here to meet my parents aren't you?"
Travis: "What? Oh, right. Well, go ahead and invite them over. I'll kill 3 birds with one stone then."
Sarah: "You can buy chicken at the store you know."
Travis: "Right. Well then, we better get going."
Travis makes some preparations. Like have a drink or two and turning the knob on the grill. While Sarah stares blankly at him. Like he was performing DavidBlaineStreetMagic.
Sarah: "It's my folks!"
Travis answers the door and greets Vernita (Mother). Healthy hearty handshake. "Hello."
Rhoda (Aunt?). Small hug. <giggle>
and Addison (Father): <Uncomfortable&Weird pause> "I like bourbon."
Travis treats them all to drinks, starting with Addison's bourbon.
They all sit around a table and smile at each other. For quite a long time.
Travis: "Well, isn't it weird that I met Sarah in Paris and then saw her here too."
Rhoda: "I know. That is soo the weirdest thing. I mean how weird? I can't get over how weird it is."
Travis: "Don't you think so, Vernita?"
Vernita: "Call me 'Mom'."
Travis: "Ooops, I think it's time to eat. Are you hungry Addison?"
Addison: "I like Filet."
Travis: "Well, I didn't buy Filet."
Travis: "Nope. Goat."
Addison: "Your a doctor. Can't you afford something better than Goat."
Travis: "I'm just getting in some practice, for when I move to the mountains."
Mom: "What? You're moving to the mountains."
Travis: "Yup, I love the mountains and I have to leave Nashville. Oh and I hate children."
Sarah interrupts, a second too late mind you, and directs everyone to gather in the livingroom for a suprise.
At which point Mom pulls out a video.
(Author's Note: I can't contractually allow myself to transcribe the video's contents. What I can tell you is it should never be seen by anyone. It's so shocking! So Disturbing. It's worse than watching the last minutes of TimothyTreadwells life as he is eviscerated by an angry Grizzly bear. In fact, in the wise words of autuer filmmaker/documentarian, WernerHerzog, "this video should never be allowed to be seen by anyone. Don't try to hide it from yourself because it will act as the white elephant in your life tempting you, calling you wanting you to pop it into the VCR. My suggestion is that this video is burned for the sake of anyone in the future from ever uncovering it and witnessing the awfulness.)
Travis stares slack jawed at the TV screen. Half way between nervous twitching, self-mutilization, and accidental soilage. Obviously, too stunned to move. He kept hoping a car would come careening off the street and crash into his house and kill him.
The screaming voices from the video finally stop and everyone runs to the bathroom.
Addison at the toilet. Travis in the garbage pail. Rhoda in the sink and the other two in the tub. Simultaneously, projectile vomiting. During the melee, Travis manages to hold back each and every ladies hair.
After cleaning-up and more uncomfortable silence the family decides to leave. But, not without mentioning that Travis is most charming and very accomodating.
Sarah and Travis share a quick minty-puke kiss and say there goodnights.
(Author's note: My favorite one to watch. My hardest one to write. Don't ask me why.
It seems as if the factual may actually be better than the fictual. But, that won't stop me from trying to ruin it anyways.)
Susan meets Travis in the DukeGardens. (Seeing as how it's a Carolina, It's probably named after JohnWayne's alter ego.)
The scene is stunning, big fall colored tress intermixed with evergreens. Autumn flowers blooming. Hummingbirds and butterflies zipping about the air.
Susan takes her mark and ... Action!
Enter Travis, stage right.
Travis approaches Susan with a slight hop in his step.
Susan runs the last 3 steps between them and hops into Travis's arms.
He twirls her around, hugging and kissing her. Finally, slowing and lowering her to the ground.
Susan: "It's great to see you."
Travis: "It's great to see you too. Boy, I've missed yoou."
Susan: "Me too..."
Travis: "Well...I brought all the fixins for a picnic. You wanna join me?"
Susan: "I'd love to. ... Boy I missed you."
Travis: "Me too. Here have some wine."
Susan turns to Camera #4, hit eyes with spotlight.
Susan: (Softly)"If you only knew."
Cue spooky pipeorgan music.
Susan turns back to Camera#3.
Susan: "I'd love to. My mother never allows me to drink so this will be fun."
Travis: "What? She doesn't allow you to drink?"
Susan: "She says since I just quit drinking, I shouldn't start right up again."
Travis: "You drank in Paris."
Susan: "I know. But, she'll never find out about those times."
Travis: "Well, if it helps at all, I'll pour the bordeaux into mugs. That way, it looks like we're drinking coffee."
Susan: "Sounds good."
Travis: "I just have to say again, that I really missed you."
Susan: "Me too."
Travis: "Wanna make out some more?"
Dim lights, cue boom-chicka-boom-boom soundtrack.
Flash various images of mating wildlife...........
Fade to black.
Travis and Susan readjust there clothing and hair.
Director: "CUT! Sheesh Susan, your make-up looks fine."
Susan: "I'm starting to glow. I need more powder."
Travis: "Any more powder and you're going to look like a pastry. Speaking of, I'm going to craft services for a few."
Director: "Allright everyone. Take 5."
Scene2: (Take 2)
Susan: "I think I might need another pour of wine."
Travis: "How full?"
Susan: "Funny you ask. I've always thought that having a half-full glass is like being half-full in life. Right now I'm half-full and I need a full filling of fullness...in my glass."
Susan: "For two glasses to be full one has to be half-full and then the other one has to pour itself into the half-full one to get full. But fullness is fullfilling and I need glasses."
Travis: "You don't need them. Besides, I hate women in glasses."
Susan: "No really, think about it... if your glass is full and my glass is full and we pour our glasses together we'll be over full. That's what I want. I want to be over full."
Travis: "That reminds me, I'm kinda getting hungry."
Susan: "Cool, than let's go meet my folks. Are you nervous?"
Susan: "No reason. I am."
Susan snaps to Camera #1:
Susan: (Softly)"If you only knew."
Cue spooky pipeorgan music.
Susan turns back to Camera#3.
Susan: "I dunno...I just hope my mother is in a good mood."
Inside Humble Carolina Abode. A few kitchy knick-knacks on the walls and side tables.
Enter Ken(Father), Brian and Matt(Brothers) and Kathy(MommyDearest)
Travis: "Thank you everyone for inviting me into your home."
MommyDearest: "How do you know we're really inviting you into our house. How do you know this house isn't just a set."
Travis: "Either way, it looks nice. Hey, My grandmother has that same clock."
Ken: "That's impossible. I made that."
Susan: "My dad is really handy."
Travis: "Really? That's great. I like working with my hands too."
MommyDearest: "Susan, did you tell Travis you were engaged?"
Susan: "I'm not engaged, mom. Not anymore."
MommyDearest: "Don't take that tone with me young lady."
Susan: "Sorry Mommy."
MommyDearest: "Sorry Mommy...what?"
Susan: "Sorry MommyDearest."
MommyDearest: "That's better can't have the neighbors think I raised a disrespectful child. Now eat your steak."
Susan: "But it's practically still alive."
MommyDearest: "Rare Steak is good for you."
Susan: "I won't eat it."
MommyDearest: "Oh yes you will young lady. You will be forbidden to leave the table until that steak is gone."
Travis: "Is this for real? Because I'm getting a major feeling of DejaVu. Like I've seen this before."
Susan: "It's real."
MommyDearest: "Sorry, but my daughter is not ready for suitors. You will have to leave now."
4 Americans in Paris. (a.k.a. Blame Canada!)
(Authors Note: I just hate to give the outcome away with the title, but I also hate it when I have to watch the host Chris come out and say, ..."Ladies, this is the last rose." Every, f**king episode since this stupid show started. They f**k with me, I f**k with them.)
Travis meets up with Chris and is told to watch the video messages that the ladies recorded back in the states. Chris than proceeds to say the same sentence exactly 5 more times. Then quickly turns around and leaves the room. Closing and opening the door 5 times, as he leaves. Making sure to count out loud for each of them.
Travis: "Poor OCD Bastard."
Travis walks over to the video screen and pushes the play button on the remote.
SarahWinnepeg: "Hiya Travis. You mean so much to me. I'm glad we could get together. I hope at the next rose ceremony you'll allow me the priviledge of a flower. Because< I wanna make sure to show you my "My-Pretty-Pony" collection. Of which Moana cannot play with.
SarahTennesse: "Hiya Travis. I had a great time with you back home in Nashville. Sorry about the video. It has since been incinerated. Thanks for being so nice and accomodating.
Susan: "How's my lighting? You got my good side? Okay. Wait change the background, I'm supposed to be in the south-east, not the south-west! Allright. Oh Travis. I'm so "Head Over Heels", I'm "Singing in the Rain", I'm "Crazy in Love", I'm "Punch-Drunk Love". But right now I'm "HomeAlone" and "Wishing upon a Star". "When will I see you again" so we can be "Reunited". Save "The Rose" for me.
Moana: (Sobbing) "See the thing is I just noticed that my whole life I've spent missing a piece of myself. It was you. I needed that piece. Now I have that piece. I'm so happy. Thanks for giving me that piece of you because now I'm whole. (None of that half-full glass, carp. Susan went on and on about.)
Travis sighs and leaves the room.
Chris meets all of the women at the mansion door and escorts them to exact positions around a big rug. Insisting that they do not step on any cracks on the walk there or he will have to go back and do it again.
So, after traveling to Paris. Then to America and then back to Paris. One lucky lady will be put right back on a plane bound for lonliness and mockery back in the states.
1stRose: Susan Hmmm...
2ndRose: Moana GASP!
Chris enters. They try to stop him as they've tried to stop him for seasons, but Chris wiggles through the mass of clutching/grabbing production people and gets to say his Signature Line
Chris: "Ladies, this is the Final Rose.(1) ... Ladies, this is the last rose.(2) ... Ladies, this is the last rose.(3) ... Ladies, this is the last rose.(4) ... Ladies, this is the last rose. (5)"
FinalRose: Sarah Tennesse.
The Amazing Race Tally of frequent flyer miles.
Congratulations, Sarah Winnipeg: you've collected over 1200 miles. And you are still a loser.