Official TSI Episode 2: More Brazil Nuts

Uh oh…During the family version, the Race organizers made the mistake of spending way too much time in one country. So what do we get in episode 2? More time in Brazil. On the plus side, we were spared the inevitable airport bunching (only to have it replaced by the inevitable “wait for the damn route marker to open for the day” bunching).

This week's results:

Team Tye Dye (1st in Race, 2nd in last TSI): Two good legs in a row. These guys are definitely acting more like Type-A racers than free spirits. My biggest worry about this team? Their dance moves, which were questionable to begin with, have deteriorated rapidly. When Phil told them they won a trip to Tahiti they looked like they were going to fornicate right there on the mat. In front of Phil. And the local greeting all of the Racers. Ew.

Quotable Quotes:
- “Back to our roots in these VWs, yeah man.”
- “Who needs the reverse gear…Hippie power!”

Out of context quote of the week runner-up:
“Climb like a monkey, boy!”

Summary:
- This week: 0 Jiffies, 1 Tommy
- To Date: 1 Jiffy, 8 Tommies

Team Austin Powers (2nd in Race, 3rd in last TSI): The idiots needed a name change. I almost called them Team Booty Call, before deciding on Team Austin Powers. Why? Because they want to complete their mission while shagging as many women as possible. And like the International Man of Mystery, their inner censor is malfunctioning. If they think it, they say it. Lucky for us.

But they had some missteps during this episode. For instance, they were so wrapped up in the concept of getting some that they couldn’t even initially identify the gender of the prostitute they were flirting with. Guys, attention to detail is crucial to success in the Race…So don’t forget to check for that Adam’s apple before pursuing your, ahem, goal. And they lost patience and stopped to ask for directions when they were only a kilometer away from the Pit Stop. They also forgot the cardinal rule – never, ever diss the Philmeister. No matter how ticked off you are, do not do anything that will incur the wrath of The Eyebrow.

Quotable quotes:
- “If we get some sex during the Race…” “…or some dating…” “…or some sex…”
- “Naughty things are going to happen.”
- “I just said that guy has a nice ass.”
- “Gotta make the girls feel good so we can get in their pants later.”
- “Too bad she has a boyfriend...yeah, I’d spank her butt too.”
- “I can’t wait to slip on my speedo.”
- “I hope our girls don’t get eliminated. Then what are we going to do, hook up with the hippies?”
- “Phil, do you know how cranky I am right now? I’m going to slap you, woman.”

Out of context quote of the week:
“Jeremy come faster!...Jeremy, you look amazing, buddy…You’re the best partner ever.”

Summary:
- This week: 0 Jiffies, 11 Tommies
- To Date: 0 Jiffies, 15 Tommies

Team Nerds (4th in Race, 5th in last TSI): Last week, these geeks earned a Boredom Penalty. This week, they confirmed my worst fears. Not only are they prone to excessive PDA, but now they are adding goopy nicknames. Bleah. If they keep this up, I’m changing their name to Team Barf Bag. But they did prove to us that there’s at least one good reason to stay in school, since you too may discover that your boring chemistry class assignment has been turned into a Detour option.

Quotable quotes:
- “She’s my hotty boom botty with the hotty Pilates” Gag.
- “Slide on down, baby.” She was talking about the Roadblock. Please, if there is a god, she was talking about the Roadblock.
- “You know the spirit of Mr. Wizard is with us now.”

Out of context quote of the week, honorable mention:
“I totally did that experiment in school.”

Summary:
- This week: 0 Jiffies, 5 Tommies
- To Date: 0 Jiffies, 15 Tommies

Team Salsa (6th in Race, 4th in last week’s TSI): This team is turning missing the entrance to a Detour into a habit. That’s not a good habit to have when trying to win the million dollars.

Quotable quotes:
- “Get a feel for it, baby.” Sorry guys, she was talking about the Roadblock.
- “This is karma for all the times I passed out in chemistry class.”

Summary:
- This week: 0 Jiffies, 10 Tommies
- To Date: 0 Jiffies, 15 Tommies

Team Invisible (5th in Race, 1st in last TSI): Are Ray and Yolanda really in this Race, or did they just pay someone to include their picture in the opening credits?

Summary:
- This week: 20 Tommies BOREDOM PENALTY
- To Date: 1 Jiffy, 20 Tommies

Team Plastic (3rd in Race, 6th in last TSI): There are three big reasons this team is not getting a boredom penalty this week. First of all, they beat the athletic dudes in the Detour, even though Mo was concerned she would hold them back. Any time a woman can hold her own, I have to smile. More importantly, she did not cry or whine this week, signaling hope that her mini meltdown at the beginning was the exception rather than the rule. But the biggest reason of all? We did not have to see the stupid shirts again.

Summary:
- This week: nothing
- To Date: 0 Jiffies, 20 Tommies

Team Double Duh (8th in Race, 7th in last TSI): I wondered last week whether I was being too hard on these girls with some of my comments. As soon as one of them (don’t know or care which one) said that their strategy had been to have their femininity take them through the Race, I realized that if anything, I had been too kind. Since I’m not normally accused of that, I wasn’t sure how to react, so I just laughed. They are one of the many teams penalized for just choosing the first fire escape they got to at the Roadblock, even though this doomed them to waiting behind a bunch of other teams. Um, when they saw three other Racers waiting at the bottom of said fire escape for their team members to complete the task, that should have been a clue to the Double Duhs that they were going to have to wait quite awhile at the top and that it might be worthwhile to pursue another option. I was going to penalize Danielle for crying while she waited to repel down the building, but she used that opportunity as a Growth Experience. Her sobfest didn’t cost the team any time or placement in the standings, it allowed her to bond with another team, and it gave her the confidence to attack a challenging Roadblock.

Summary:
- This week: 0 Jiffies, 15 Tommies
- To Date: 0 Jiffies, 40 Tommies

Team Cavity (7th in Race, 9th in last TSI): Damn. I have to start out by complimenting this team, and awarding them a Jiffy. I really don’t want to, but I was impressed when wifey had enough of a clue to find out how many teams had gone up the fire escape before hubby started to climb. When they realized that Dave the Geek was the only one ahead of them, they decided that was an option worth taking, so they get rewarded for weighing their options before just jumping in and getting stuck waiting behind other teams.

But every bit of advantage gained by that glimmer of competency was given right back. When you’re scrambling to get signed up for the earliest charter bus, it’s not the time to save money by taking a bus instead of a taxi. After all, buses stop along the way, while taxis go directly to where you tell the driver to take you (unless you’re using Genie Power). Not only did these folks, ahem, rush to get on the earliest charter by taking a city bus, they took a city bus to the wrong place, dooming them to the final bus. Final bus equals risk for elimination, and that’s bad bad bad.

Time for an Instapoll! What is the official language of Brazil?
a) Spanish.
b) Portuguese.
c) I dunno, so I’ll just yell at the people whom I have asked to help me.

Quotable Quotes:
- “Michelle, do it baby! Yeah, baby!...Get you’re ass up that mountain! I’m comin’ after you!” He was talking about the Detour. Please, if there is a god, he was talking about the Detour.
- “Come on baby! Get it get it get it! Show me what you got!” She was talking about the Detour. Please…OK, you know where I’m going by this point.
- “Do not expect me to ask anyone. I am through with Spanish.” “Portuguese.”
- “Just get us there and get it over with.” Funny, that’s exactly what Michelle said to Lake on their honeymoon.

Summary:
- This week: 1 Jiffy, 25 Tommies
- To Date: 1 Jiffy, 60 Tommies

Team Spectacles (9th in Race, 10th in last TSI): I’m glad the geezers didn’t get eliminated, because I am sick of watching teams lose ground in the Race because of a freakin’ dead battery. Now, if the battery had been in one of their pacemakers, then that would have been OK, but I doubt I’m the only person tired of listening to Phil’s voiceover about a Production problem brak brak brak no fault of their own brak brak brak replacement car brak brak brak. It’s one thing for the audience to be able to recite the descriptions of a Detour and a Roadblock, but if we can quote the Production problem disclaimer, then someone needs to be fired.

Now riddle me this…for a team that obviously needs to rely on brain more than brawn, why would you go up the fire escape when you know that four other younger competitors already have a head start on you? Let’s do some simple math: there are 10 teams. If four teams are at fire escape number one, then there are only five teams at the other two fire escapes, so there must be another option that will require you to spend less time waiting at the top after you are the last one to climb up there. But if Fran had chosen the fire escape less traveled, then we would have been spared the touching scene where she consoled scared widdle Danielle up at the top. OK, that’s another reason to penalize them…I hate sappy Lifetime movie moments in the middle of a Race leg.

Then riddle me this…for a team that obviously needs to rely on brain more than brawn, why would a simple science experiment be less appealing than a wet climb?

Then riddle me this…which Batman villains would Fran and Barry play? Definitely not Egghead.

Quotable Quotes:
- “Show ‘em that Senior Power.” Um, on second thought, please don’t.
- “I’m not getting it. I’m not getting anywhere.” And none of us will be either, thanks to the disturbing mental image that we perverts have in our minds. Damn those horny boys, now everything has a sexual connotation. And that is so not pretty.

Summary:
- This week: 0 Jiffies, 20 Tommies
- To Date: 0 Jiffies, 70 Tommies

Team Tiara (Eliminated from the Race, 8th in last TSI): They didn’t scream as much during this leg. Maybe they got laryngitis from all of the screaming during the last leg. Instead, they provided our obligatory bitching while driving moments. We get it already…one of you was supposed to give directions, the other was supposed to focus on driving. At least you weren’t the stereotypical “I can’t drive a stick shift” team, so I give you the slightest of credit for at least knowing how to drive a manual transmission.

But when you’re in last, you have to find opportunities to get ahead, instead of waiting and waiting and waiting. So when you got to the second fire escape and found so many other teams already starting the Roadblock, you should have at least checked the third one to see if it were a better option.

Quotable Quotes:
- “I’m driving, you’re telling me where to go.” I’d love to tell you where to go…

TMI Quote of the Week:
“Pretend you’re giving birth to a child…” “I didn’t, I had a C-section.” “Oh, sweet Jesus.”

Summary:
- This week: 0 Jiffies, 40 Tommies
- Final Tally: 0 Jiffies, 70 Tommies

Next week…wait a minute, is this The Amazing Race or freakin’ Fear Factor? What’s next, Dr. Phil is going to show up at the Pit Stop to help counsel the teams into facing their fears? Sheesh.