TAR9 Premiere - Official Summary - Desperately Seeking Sao Paolo

It was a dark and stormy night. Amid the high crags of rock strewn mountains, twenty-two travelers approached the ruins of the stony amphitheater, lit only by the occasional burst of lightning. As they entered the ancient stadium, the low rumble of thunder gave way to maniacal laughter. Laughter that could only come from one source, a tortured soul. And who was this tormented madman? In a flash, the lightning revealed a narrow face, highlighted with eyebrows that resembled the surrounding peaks. “Welcome friends,” the mysterious stranger hissed. “Welcome to the starting point of the most mind-boggling contest in which you will ever participate. Welcome to the competition that will determine if you live or die. Welcome to The Amazing Race! Wah, ha, ha, ha!”

As much as I’d love to continue this shtick for the whole summary, I just can’t. I’m no Stephen King, and so I must resort to biting sarcasm. To get us all up to speed, TAR9 starts with beautiful vistas of Colorado and then zooms in on Phil, pacing atop a tall building in the mile-high city of Denver. Hands tied behind his back by a Bruckheimerized contract, Phil makes his obligatory introductions of the teams without the slightest hint of the distaste he must surely feel for some of them. Fortunately, I have signed no such contract. Our teams are:

1. Team Tooth - Lake and Michelle. This married couple, a dentist and his lovely assistant, are looking for a way to escape Hattiesburg, MS for a little while. Lake, like TAR5’s Colin, can’t talk enough about how driven and goal-oriented he is, as if he is the only driven, goal-oriented man in the country and is therefore intimidating to everyone else. His little lady, and you know he calls Michelle that, compares herself to Scarlett O’Hara and states that she is “a typical Southern woman.” Southern women should revolt! Hmmm. I don’t think I’m going to like them too much.

2. Team Double D - Danielle and Dani. They were Team Double A before the surgeries. They’re from Staten Island and they look every inch of it. Big boobs, streaky highlights, pink as far as the eye can see, and occasional slips into a grating accent. I’ll try not to be too rough on them as I used to live in Westchester Co. and I know Manhattanites could list our faults.

3. Team Hair (as in the musical) - BJ and Tyler. I love me some hippies. This throwback duo from, appropriately enough, San Francisco, met while sailing the seven seas. They say that they search for the funny and ironic. I hope they can find both qualities here. By the way, was anyone else reminded of Merry and Pippin during their intro?

4. Team R.A.Y. - Ray And Yolanda. This attorney and teacher are into fitness, which is difficult when living in Chicago. You know, all that bad weather and deep dish pizza. I got flat abs and toned glutes just watching their little blurb. Yolanda thinks that Ray is the male version of herself (Dr. Freud would love to dissect that statement) and Ray explains that he went to law school to be empowered. Odd, because most people who go to law school want a job that pays a lot, or they just want to loudly state at parties, “Well, when I was in law school . . .”

5. Team Brother From Another Mother - John and Scott. This team from Cape Cod, MA is all about John. John, John, John, all the live long day. Scott is just an accessory. John isn’t really living. John is fearful of everything. John has been locked in a closet (No, not that closet. He left that one years ago.) and needs to start getting out among other carbon based life forms. Blah, Blah, Blah. John.

6. Team MoJo - Monica and Joseph. Monica and Joseph are from Fayetteville, AR. Monica and Joseph are dating. Monica and Joseph are friends and lovers. You know, I’m fairly indifferent to Monica and Joseph.

7. Team Beach Bum - Eric and Jeremy. There’s something one must admire about two young, healthy American men who choose minimum wage jobs to meet their basic needs just so they can spend the balance of their time on the Florida beach. So refreshingly honest. So candidly true. So incredibly lazy. So icky that Eric has both his nipples pierced.

8. Team Can They Get Any Louder? - Lisa and Joni. These self-styled Glamazons from Houston, TX (And really, is there any other state that could contain them?) are sisters who love to spend their time Bedazzling everything in sight. They enjoy primping while wearing tiaras and consider themselves to be superheroes. I suspect that they are on this race because their husbands, unbeknownst to Lisa and Joni, sent in an audition video begging that Phil and Friends take the girls away for awhile.

9. Team Determination - Fran and Barry. I call this retired Colorado couple Team Determination because the producers are bound and determined to get an older couple to the finish line. They almost succeeded with Meredith and Gretchen, and they’re hoping that Fran and Barry’s athleticism will make the grade. Sadly, I believe this will turn out to be wishful thinking.

10. Team Sexy Tamales - Wanda and Desiree. This Atlanta team is by far the best parent/child team in race history. I detested Momily, thought the father/son set from TAR4 was bleh, wasn’t overly impressed with any of the TARFE teams, and all others have barely left an impression (Except for Jim of Jim/Marcia in TAR5 who left an impression, and half his knee, on the Santa Monica Pier). Wanda, unlike Molly Weasley, has never been a “frumpy Christmas sweater” mom.

11. Team Revenge of the Nerds - Dave and Lori. Who isn’t irresistibly drawn to a couple of cuddly geeks from Kansas who admit to in-your-face nerdiness? Lori is great at card games and Dave is great at test taking. Great. They do know that neither one of these laudable skills will actually come in handy during the race, right? I don’t think “Spades or Grades” will be a Detour.

Okay, intro’s are over. Thank God. Or as Joni and Lisa say, “Thank Gaaaaawwwwd!” After being drop-kicked out of the backs of the manly trucks that carted them up to the Red Rock Amphitheater, Phil gives his typical spiel about the race and it’s basic rules. He’s memorized this now, and in an effort to sound less like an automaton and more like a motivational speaker, he paces dramatically across a higher tier of the amphitheater. So impressive. Then it’s time for the much anticipated “Good Luck. Travel Safe. . . (eyebrow into stratosphere) . . . Go!”

The teams race up the remaining few levels to their first clue:
You must hop a flight to Brasilia.
Excited? Oh brother, I feel ya.
The place that you seek
Is the Hotel Unique.
Relax by the pool with tequila.

This set of directions is accompanied by $140 and the hilariously breathless gasping by the racers who figure out the hard way that altitude does in fact affect your capacity to breathe. It’s a bit ironic that the only team that lives above 100 ft. in elevation are the old folks (locals, in fact) who shouldn’t try to sprint to their car anyway. Hey! BJ and Tyler! Funny and ironic!

The drive into Denver is fairly uneventful. Joni and Lisa want to spend their $140 on monkey testicles, Eric and Jeremy want to go to a bar and pick up chicks (See! Not gay despite picture that is floating around this website), and Lake demonstrates that “driven and goal-oriented” is synonymous with “reading impaired” as he forces his wife to make phone reservations despite directions not to do so. All teams arrive safely at the airport even though Vegas is running good odds on someone passing out from oxygen deprivation and causing a multi-car pileup.

The usual airport shuffle ensues and the teams are divided as follows:
American #348 leaving at 1:25 p.m. - Teams Double D, Hair and Determination
Continental #498 leaving at 2:30 p.m. - Teams Can They Get Any Louder?, R.A.Y., Tooth, and MoJo
United #392 leaving at 3:31 p.m. - Teams Beach Bum, Hot Tamales, Revenge of the Nerds, and Brother From Another Mother

The first flight to arrive in Sao Paolo, Brazil is the United flight at 10:15 a.m. The rush to cabs is punctuated with Wanda’s Spanish and Eric’s Boobish, as in “Hey cabbie, did you see any pretty girls with big boobs?” Like the driver doesn’t have more important things do than ogle women’s chests while he’s waiting for a fare. Oh. Wait. He probably doesn’t have more important things to do. Good question, Eric. And the answer is, “Dude. You’re in Brazil. Think about it.” (translated from Portuguese)

The next flight is the American flight at 10:20 a.m. The Double D’s catch a cab and the driver, in an honest mistake given the camera crew, takes Danielle and Dani for celebrities. Do they deny it? No, of course not, because everyone knows that all American celebrities have large breasts and wear pink in their down time. Just ask Phil. (Phil, you know I’m kidding. I don’t think you have man breasts and I‘ll bet you only wear pink when your atrocious stylists insist on it. In fact, I think you’re very attractive. Except for the eyebrow thing. It kind of freaks me out that you can raise one all the way to the back of your head.)

Finally, the United flight arrives at 10:55 a.m. Lake runs off the plane, dashes through customs and urges his wife to beat “them”. By “them” he means people of color, thus showing us his true colors. Joni and Lisa aren’t much better as one of them (Who is who?) declares that she thinks Spanish and Portuguese are the same and that Spanish is the universal language of the world - the 3rd World.

So all teams are rushing to the hotel, The Hotel Unique. This hotel is pretty cool. If I ever find myself in Sao Paolo, I’m staying here. The thing looks like a child’s drawing of a ship, buttressed on the prow and stern with vertical supporting walls. The roof, or deck, is the location of the pool and the next clue:
Get to the Santa Efigenia Viaduto
And you’ll look for one minuto.
The clue box you will spy,
Though if you pass it by
Your chances to win are kaput-o.

All teams make it to the Hotel Unique without incident. Apparently, the hotel is so unique that every cabbie in town knows where it is and how to get to it from the airport. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the Viaduto Santa Efigenia. Some of the teams get lucky with cabbies, and others, like Dave and Lori who share good luck kisses and handshakes, make their own luck. However, there are a few cab drivers in Sao Paolo who, perhaps being unable to understand the shrieking English of hysterical Americans, cannot transport passengers to the Viaduto in an expedient manner. John and Scott, unwilling to share good luck kisses as their love is phileo rather than eros, and Joni and Lisa, obviously phileo, have poor luck with the trip to the Viaduto. Both teams get stuck in horrible traffic, can’t decide how to proceed further and we the viewers start realizing where the editing is taking us. And if we need further clues, every hey-loser-don’t-feel-too-bad cliché will be edited in with a heavy hand until the end of the leg: It ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings; It ain’t over ‘til it’s over; Winning isn’t everything; etc. ad nauseum.

As the two teams above are stuck in cabs somewhere in Sao Paolo, the remaining teams arrive to “search” the Viaduto. Actually, only Fran and Barry had to search as the location of the clue box was patently obvious to everyone else. Team Determination actually walked past the box several times, even when Mr. Cameraman was standing next to it and pointing his camera right at it! Hilarious.

Anyway, the clue is a Detour: Motorhead or Rotorhead. In Motorhead, teams travel one measly mile and finish building a motorcycle which must actually run. In Rotorhead, teams travel three miles and get a helicopter ride to and from one of three buildings which have designated areas in which to search for clues. One should take little time if a team is mechanically inclined (hint: most are not!), and one should be a total blast but take quite a bit of time out of the day. Now which one do you think most teams opted for? Yeah, Rotorhead. Hey, I would too. Seriously, I cannot see myself wrestling a carburetor onto a junky bike that would better serve mankind if it was melted into a manhole cover.

The first four teams arrive at Rotorhead nearly simultaneously. They are Dave and Lori, Eric and Jeremy, BJ and Tyler, and Wanda and Desiree. I must admit that I love Revenge of the Nerds. They have no qualms whatsoever about public displays of affection. Nothing groping and gross, mind you, just loads of smooches. Team Beach Bum spend their time in the helicopter quizzing Martinez, their pilot, about the loads of Brazilian girls who throw themselves at helicopter pilots. They then try to persuade Martinez to part with a couple of his uniforms so they can test the waters at local bars during the Pit Stop. Hair fill their helicopter time with James Bond fantasies. First they shoot at Dr. No‘s limousine, then they tease Moneypenny while romancing Solitaire, and finally they blast another helicopter from the sky while drinking vodka martinis and playing Baccarat. Team Hot Tamales focus on Puerto Rican relaxation techniques that include repeating Calmate about 150 times. All find the next clue which says:
Get to the Santa Cecilia neighborhood.
Find 114A Frederico Abranches, you should.
The thing you must do
Is light a candle or two
Then receive your next clue - It’s good!

While the previous four teams are competently going about the task, Team Double D has found its way to Caverna Motos. The girls immediately attempt to recruit locals into helping them build a motorcycle, even going so far as to give away kisses. They do manage to drag one star struck fellow into the shop only to discover that he doesn’t know jack about engines of any sort. Then, realizing that they’re on their own, Danielle and Dani settle down to getting dirty. They’re not to pleased about it and quickly come to the conclusion that they’re in over their heads on this one.

Back at the Viaduto Santa Efigenia, Fran and Barry are still looking for the clue box. After MoJo tracks it down, Team Determination realizes that the box appears only when the team is standing in the exact center of the south railing while they close their eyes, join hands, shuffle their feet and say “I summon thee, I summon thee, I summon thee.” See, simple. The old folks read the clue and choose Motorhead because Fran is so good at putting things together. Fran doesn’t understand that it’s a real motorcycle, not a jigsaw puzzle of a motorcycle. Team Tooth shows up as MoJo is heading towards Rotorhead. I laughed when Joseph referred to Lake as Scott Peterson. I don’t see the resemblance in either looks or personality, but it was funny just the same.

Meanwhile, Teams Can They Get Any Louder? and Brother From Another Mother are still stuck in traffic on their way to the Viaduto. What is it about traffic that completely robs one of the ability to make decisions? Have any studies been done on this phenomenon? John and Scott begin bickering with John finally telling his friend to come up with a solution or go with his idea. The problem is that John doesn’t really have an idea. This reminds me of one of the two main political parties in the USA, though I won’t say which one as I’m not anxious to start a partisan melee. The Brothers do end up leaving the cab and wandering the streets looking for someone willing to help them. Joni and Lisa also decide to leave their cab and wander the streets. For future reference, if any of you ever find yourselves in the position these teams are in, may I suggest that rather than wandering the streets, you find another cab? Both teams finally make it to the bridge, Lisa screaming like a banshee all the way, and choose Rotorhead.

Fran and Barry get to Caverna Moto just as Team Double D decide to switch tasks. After they bolt, Team Tooth and Team R.A.Y. show up. Fran and Barry, finding that the motorcycle task may be just too much for their arthritic hands, also decide to switch tasks. In the meantime, Lake blazes through the task, offers scant help to the oldsters, grabs his wife and takes off. Ray and Yolanda, having chosen one of the bikes that is outside the shop, endure the lurid catcalls of guys who heard that busty American chickies were giving out kisses. Ray gets ticked off, Yolanda endures, and they finish the task.

While the trailing teams are heading to Rotorhead, the leading teams are off to Santa Cecilia. Nothing of import happens at this clue station. All the teams behave well, light their candles and hug the snake-wrapped priests. The clue reads:
You are reading this leg’s last clue.
Now go to Estadio de Pacaembu.
It’s a World Cup site
And if your timing is right
Phil has good news for you.

Back at the heliport, Teams Determination, Brother From Another Mother and Can They Get Any Louder? have all realized that they are in a dead heat for last place. This causes the men to go into a Zen be-one-with-the-helicopter state, the married couple to fall deeper in love, and the sisters to make my ears bleed. If one has any doubt as to why I chose Joni and Lisa’s nickname, this part of the race should erase that. Every graphic and inappropriate comment (big load of turds, son of a b**ch, peeing my pants, my panties are falling down, etc.) are screamed at such high decibels that it is debilitatingly painful. Despite the tiaras, these women aren’t ladies.

Okay, I’m done with those two broads. Let’s get on to the Pit Stop. Racers must enter the stadium at gate 23A, get onto the field and run to the mat at the opposite end. Phil is waiting with a Brazilian soccer player who is hamming it up with his ball. The teams arrive in the following order:
1. Eric and Jeremy - Team Beach Bum scores with $10,000 each. They are a testament to the benefits of dropping out of school and being idiots. I knew I should have tried that. Curse you, Master's Degree! Curse you!
2. BJ and Tyler - Team Hair feels that they are fueled by the race; it is a powerful substance. In an aside, they ask the soccer player if he knows where they can score a tangible powerful substance, if you get my meaning.
3. Wanda and Desiree - Team Hot Tamales rumba up to the mat.
4. Dave and Lori - Team Revenge of the Nerds would have beat Wanda and Desiree but for coming into the stadium at the wrong entrance. Their walk across the field is punctuated with “I love you.” “I love you more.” “No, I love you more.” Etc., etc., etc.
5. Lake and Michelle - Team Tooth are delighted by their 5th place finish, so much so that they express themselves with high fives.
6. Monica and Joseph - Team MoJo feel redeemed by being in the middle of the pack. Whatever.
7. Ray and Yolanda - Team R.A.Y. are just happy that the Pit Stop mat is absent of motorcycle parts and dirty-minded men. Well, at least it's absent of motorcycle parts. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Phil.
8. Fran and Barry - Team Determination are shocked and awed that they finished so high after spending 9 ½ weeks looking for the Viaduto clue.
9. Danielle and Dani - Team Double D go in to hug and ricochet off each other’s saline implants.
10. Joni and Lisa - Team Can They Get Any Louder? prayed for angels to surround their taxi on the way to the Pit Stop. Sadly, it wasn’t Hell's Angels.
11. John and Scott - Team Brother From Another Mother has been eliminated from the race. John performed a little “genie power” ritual in the cab for luck, but Joni and Lisa’s angels turned out to be more dependable. See ya, boys! We hardly knew ya!

Next time on The Amazing Race: Eric and Jeremy try to score with the girls (no, not Joni and Lisa) and Fran gets caught in Shelob’s web. Very cool.