Monday, January 16: Recorded Bachelor in Paris so I could write summary this week. Watched while taping. When finished, went to bathroom to induce vomiting.
Tuesday, January 17: Worked late. Had take-out for supper. Garbage night! Yelled at DH to get off his arse and put out the garbage.
Wednesday, January 18: Flyer day! Spent evening going through flyers and making lists. Played computer games. Chased tail.
Thursday, January 19: Ford Fvckscort making weird noise. Spent evening being grumpy about car. Went to bed and fought off DH. Just before going to sleep, suddenly felt like forgetting something.
Friday, January 20: Checked bank account. Afraid I forgot to pay Visa. Feel like forgetting something important.
Saturday, January 21: Yeah! I get to sleep in. I love Saturday.
Sunday, January 22: Cleaning girl kitten's room. Find teen magazine with Jessica Simpson on cover. Think what a desperate skank she is. OMG! The summary!
Sunday night: Tapping madly on keyboard while watching tape with puke-bucket closeby, to bring you...
Bachelor in Paris: Episode Two Summary
"Is That The Eiffel Tower in Your Pants or Are You Just Happy to See Me?"
Previously on the Bachelor, Dr. Travis Stork, who MUST be rich because he's a doctor, meets 25 beautiful desperate wannabe housewives and immediately kicks thirteen of their sorry azzes back to the States. So, now we're left with only twelve desperate ho-wife wannabes. The object of the game is for Dr. Tongue to get to know these twelve women better, and vote them off one by one until there is only one ho remaining to claim the million dollars. I mean, the guy.
Okay, so we begin this episode in front of this really old beautiful thatched cottage that isn't a cottage because it's a mansion. It's a thatched mansion, with beautiful lush grounds and a really annoying guy standing on them. Chris, the unProbst host, is there to welcome the hookers to the home that they can now share since they made the last cut. They pull up in limosines, and, true to bachelwhorette form, start OMGing and squealing like Oprah's audience.
Oh the squealing. Oh the wailing and the screeching. One of the dark hairs is impressed with the balcony overlooking the foyer. She says to the others "Hey, when whatisface comes and picks up one of the girls, we can be watching from the balcony, just like in the whorehouses back home!"
So Chris gathers them all outside. He tells them there will be two group dates, and one individual date. There will be a rose on each date. Kristen gets the first individual date, since she was the loser that Travis picked last in the last rose ceremony. *shudders from flashback to gym class*
Chris says they will find out more about their dates when the "date boxes" arrive. This, we can assume, is a cheap knockoff of treemail. It shall henceforth be called skankmail.
So they all pounce on the skankmail like cats in heat on...on other cats. They find exciting things like maps, a miniature Eiffel Tower, a snow globe, and a camera. Sarah, the kindergarten teacher from Nashville, proves that she is the brains of the bunch by concluding that they're probably going to be doing some sightseeing and travelling around.
Cole, Yvonne, Sarah the Brain, Elizabeth, and Jehan will be sharing this date. Oh! And Travis has included a personal note with the skankmail, about how he can't wait to go on this date with five women. In the words of S5's Clay: no sh!t, Sherlock. Each of the five women is inexplicably touched by this personal note. I'm sure each one thought that Travis was thinking of her as he penned it, just like Bo was gazing into the camera and singing to me. Every time.
Poor Travis. He's lamenting about how in medical school there was no textbook on how you date five women at the same time. Well, I used to work at a medical school, and I can assure you, Travis, that there is such a class. You slept in, ya dork.
I have to break here to rant about this particular Bachelor. He's supposed to be the best Bachelor yet, and yet, he's butt ugly. The guy has these deep lines in his face and a crappy haircut. He's got this really weird mouth that doesn't as much smile as it does grimace. Not only that, but his arrogance about his profession bugs me. He's a resident. Residents are still students. They're still eating Kraft dinner and they spend all their waking hours, and some of their sleeping hours, on the wards. Doctors use residents. They enslave them, and make them sit in the corner when they're bad. At the end of their shift, the doctors cough the residents out the door like the hairballs that they are.
That said, I'm a little torn. Aside from the doctor-sized ego, this Bachelwhore seems to be a really nice guy. This makes it break my heart a little bit to have to bash him.
Just a little bit, though.
A bus pulls up. Suddenly, I have a horrible flashback to last season as Travis picks up the first five hos and leads them to what he refers to as "my party bus." I'm reminded of Charlie and Sarah W. on the kookamawooka bus in Aruba. Time stops. I break for a stiff drink.
Yvonne is really impressed with the "amazing.funky.redbus." The bus has been decorated by Hilde on Trading Spaces. It is fug.ly. Travis wants to know "what activity, in your whole life, that you could not give up." You can tell he's really hoping that at least one of them says sex. While the women would SO not give up shopping, Travis says he's into camping and wants to know if any if them have ever slept in a tent. That's code, by the way.
The editors give us a few choice ramblings from the chosen doctor's wives. Sarah from Nashville says he's perfect for her because he's from Nashville. Honey, I live in a prison town. There are lots and lots of men here. Most of them are not perfect for me. Jehan says it's the best way to see Paris, on a date with a man and four women. 'Nuff said about Jehan. Travis wants to know if they want to see the tip of the Eiffel Tower. Yes, code. He scowls as the women starts OMGing over the famous Paris landmark. Poor Travis. Nobody understands him.
Cole gives him a rose and says every mother in the world would be excited if her daughter brought home a doctor, which was a pretty good indication for our hero of what Cole thinks of his profe$$ion. Either that, or her mother is really, really fat and lazy and doesn't like having to go out to doctor's appointments, so regular housecalls would be a nice perk for her.
Back at the ranch, Kristen DR's that she feels great yet nervous. She wants to make gowns out of toilet paper. Just as I'm about to think of a snarky comment about the toilet paper dress, we have...
SKANKMAIL!! Kristen gets to cruise down the Seine with Dr. Dork. The others are convinced that she won't come home. Why would they think that?
Back to the screaming Oprahs, they are screaming at the Arc de Triumphe. Once they get to the top of the Arc, it's pouring rain. Travis sits on the wet seat and gives the women the dry spot. (I have to admit I'm liking this guy more and more as time goes on.) Yvonne tells him to give out the rose now because 'we're dying'. Heaven forbid you have a real friggin' crisis in your life, Yvonne. As Travis says no, I like him still more.
He goes with Jihan to the top of the Arc. She says it was the most romantic moment of her life. She asks if he loves what he does. He says working in the emergency room is what he is, um, uh. She says "what you were called to do with life?" "Uh, I think so," he says. Either Travis doesn't really like being a
doctor-in-training, or he just can't find the words to express his, um, joy. Or it could be that he was having a Frisky's DH moment, where when the woman in his life starts to speak, his brain shuts down. Travis wants to know what Jiwhore's passions are in life. She loves nature, church, and health. Ding! Ding! Ding! Well congratulations, Miss America! You get a butt-ugly fake crown and a year's supply of Vaseline for keeping those teeth nice and shiny!
Why do I feel like this show sets the women's movement back fifty years?
Okay, so the others are huddling over the rose like it's a fire to warm themselves by, and then that meanie Travis come and takes all their fire away! He gives the rose to Miss America. As a cold fog of doom surrounds the remaining contestants, Jihan confides to us that she wants Travis to propose to her in Paris so they could go on to live happily ever after. Um, Jihan? Cinderella called. She wants her wide-eyed ignorance back.
So now it's the next day and Kristin, who gets the single date, is still excited. She's writing a poem. Sarah the Brain thinks this is a Bad Idea. Sarah from Tennessee is one smart cookie. Travis calls Kristin's mom and asks what her favourite food is, which would be a really sweet gesture if he hadn't put mom on speakerphone.
So Travis knocks on the door and Kristin stands there and stares at him. The evil stepsisters tell her to let him in. As they drive away, the girls say she is too much for him and she won't get the rose.
So they're cruising on the Seine, and Kristin hands him the poem. She has written "Hello" on a piece of paper with a squiggly line under it, which she says is the water, like the water that they're on. But we're not stupid, no we're not! We know the squiggle was put there by her evil subconsious to make fun of the weird, deep wavy lines in Travis' forehead.
I have decided to reproduce the poem here as a public service announcement. Obviously, any idiot can throw together a few rhyming words and call them a poem. But the smart people, like that chick from Nashville, all know that poems are more than just rhymie thingies. I ask you, for the love of whatever god you worship, if you decide to write a poem and make it all cute and rhymey, the least you could do is have it make sense.
Tonight is our first date
and being with you, I know it will be great
We're going cruising down the Seine River together.
After last night, I hope we have great weather.
(At this point, a horrified Travis thinks she's done and thanks her, but in spite of his wretching, she keeps reciting.)
So let's go have some fun
and make sure we'll look up at the sky
Because you never know what stars
will make a twinkle in your eye
The end. Keep smiling. Kristin.
He grimaces, and manages to say thank you before throwing up a little bit in his mouth.
Back at the thatched mansion, the others are talking about turn-ons. Either Cole or Susan is turned on when a guy's nipples are hard. The screaming Mimi's dissove into shrieks of laughter. Someone says they like having their hair pulled. They all say ME TOO!! Another says she loves meatball subs. OMG I love those!!!
As if Travis wasn't already thoroughly disgusted by Kristin, she announces that she has a tip for when he meets with his patients for the first time. He watches her cut up the orange very poorly into teeth. She puts them in her mouth and he says "cheque, please!"
This date is such a disaster that we keep flipping back to the ranch where we have...
SKANKMAIL!! It's for Jennifer, Milana, Tara, Sarah, Shiloh, and Canada. They're going to Champagne. Or they're going to drink champagne. Or maybe it's both.
The producers haul Travis up the side of the boat after he tries to make a break for it. They force him to go back and dump the poor girl to her face. He tells her the romantic spark isn't there. She thinks in retrospect that she came on too strong. She wanted to sparkle and to be her. Instead, the editing made her cut up an orange and pretend it was her teeth! No fair! She says she can't change the idiot that she is, and someday someone will cherish it and frame it and never let it go.
Frame it? *scratches head with hind leg in puzzlement*
True to skankmail, the next six chix go via helicopter to Champagne. You know, this show is really doing a service to France. Joe Millionnaire and it's successor, the un-Joe Millionnaire, didn't come close to showcasing France the way that this show has. This champagne trip is too cool for these greedy beeyotches. The group goes underground into this tunnel where the champagne is chilled and they sit there and sip the world's finest champagne and I'm just sitting here in my sweats, drinking Diet Pepsi and eating a bag of barbeque Pita Puffs, thinking what.a.waste.
He does a little onesie with Shiloh, which we don't see because we're too busy watching a catfight between the other girls and Moana, who doesn't really get into the whole dating-guys-who-are-dating-other-girls thing as she calls it. There is no doubt now that Moana came to Paris for the food.
Canada gets her one-on-one time, which is really a waste of everyone's time, including mine, because we all know that Canada and Travis are madly in love and have been since they first met. Travis seems genuinely attracted to her, and she to him. And we Canadian chicques, we are all about being genuine draft. I mean genuine.
The two of them seem to be going through the whole formality of this stupid little TV show, going through the motions, until they can finally do each other when it's all over. Travis wants to kiss her but he doesn't. His explanation makes me LOL: "I'm just not the kind of guy who's going to kiss a girl on a six-on-one date because that's not something I'm comfortable with." Chivalry is not dead!
Tara sees this chemistry between Canada and Travis, and worriedly scoops Travis away for some alone time. She starts yammering away about her misgivings about sharing him, and he blurts out "you're awesome." She melts into a puddle of goo. He finally gives the rose to Tara, and Canada feels like her world has turned upside-down. Don't worry, Canada. We still have the best beer.
So now it's the night of the rose ceremony. They're having a cocktail party, and no, that's not code. We see several vignettes of each woman sucking up to the bachelor. Sarah the Brain may have screwed up by telling Travis that she's always been friends with boyfriends first. His face falls, because this isn't about friendship, dammit, it's about a long-term relationship. Sarah the Brain is worried.
It's Susan's birthday, and when Travis takes her away and gives her a cake, she does an Emmy-nominated speech about how smitten she is by him. Tara and Jehan rudely crash the party, and this summarizererer thinks that their arses should be tossed for being so rude. Travis b!tch-slaps them, gives them a piece of cake and tells them to get lost.
Travis cuddles up to Canada, and admits to her that he wanted to kiss her at the champagnery. They do this cute little cheek-kissy thing. Travis says "regardless of how we feel, it's still early so I feel like I need to have restraint."
Finally, the rose ceremony starts. I am elated. It means that soon, I will be able to burn this tape. Tara and Jehan are sitting there with their roses and the others are gathered in front of Travis. He gives a rose to everyone's favourite meangirl, Moana. She feigns uncertainty, and accepts the rose. Sarah the Brain gets a rose, as does Jennifer, Canada, Shiloh, and Susan.
Cole, Yvonne and Elizabeth have to go out the back door and hitch a ride back to the States, while Travis toasts Canada and the rest. Next week on the Bachelor, there is much screaming and a phallic-shaped yacht and more screaming. Will there be an axe murder on the boat, or does Travis pull out his diamond-encrusted mini-replica of the Eiffel Tower? Stay tuned.
Rolly made this.