, a 28-year old law clerk from LA. She calls him ‘Prince Charming’ and he assures her he ordered the full moon just for her. (I just threw up a little.) Next we have Kyle, a 25-year old senior copy writer from Newport Beach, CA. She’s wearing a blue dress left over from someone’s prom, and her hair is falling in her face. It annoys me. Our next Cinderella is April, 29 and in corporate real estate from Dallas TX. This Cinderella steps out of her shoe on her way out of the limo, however, manages to put it on herself without the help of our dashing Prince Charming. Is that the Irony Fairy I see behind the bushes? Finally, we have Jehan, 29, a Vitamin Sales Rep from Chicago IL. I’m willing to give her a chance, but let’s face it, April from BB6 ruined the reputation of vitamin sales reps forever. She also asks if he is Prince Charming, and the combination of her unusual name and, ahem, interesting chartreuse dress capture Travis’ attention.
What was that? Pictures? You want pictures? What do I look like, the guy from K-Mart? Well, you can go see them yourself at the ABC website if you want to, but many of them are interchangeable, and half of them will be gone after tonight anyway. Jeez, what do you people want from me?
Oooh, time for another limo. First out is Kristen, 25, a marketing director from Bonita Springs FL. She greets our Prince with ‘bonjour’, which ends up sounding more like ‘bon jure’. She has big hair, big….earrings, and some weird brooch between her oobies. Next is Jennifer, 25, a model from Boston MA. Also blond, also wearing a blue halter dress, she doesn’t have much more to say than ‘thank you’ and ‘nice to meet you’. Next we have Tara, 23, in retail sales in San Diego CA. Tara is wearing the fugliest dress I’ve seen thus far, strapless, all gathered in the bodice (if I were paying closer attention during ‘Project Runway’ I would know the term for this), all in the same copper shade as her hair. This isn’t a good look for her, and she has to adjust her dress after receiving a hug from Travis. Nice was to make a first impression, huh? Our next guest is Venus, 33, a physician from Huntington Beach CA. Her red dress is also strapless, but she doesn’t stop to adjust it, and is slit from her toes to her, um, upper thigh. She also has lots of white teeth. Wow. Next is Moana, 26, a distribution manager from Los Angeles CA. What does she have dangling from her ears? They look like huge maple leaves that have been gilded with craft paint. Yikes! She is also one of our few brunettes.
Our next limo arrives, and the first to exit is Cole, 26, a brunette sales executive from Walnut Creek CA, in an impressive red dress that accents her impressive assets. Next is Sara (no ‘h’), 24, a marketing manager from Minneapolis MN. She, too, is wearing red. What is it with halter tops this year? Did I miss the memo? Next we meet Lisa, 24, an IT recruiter from Overland Park KS, also wearing a red dress with a halter top. Yikes, you think they lost their lunch when they realized they were wearing such similar dresses? Would have loved to see that cat fight. Next we meet Princess, 26, a substitute teacher from Los Angeles CA. Princess is wearing a strapless black dress with white and red vertical stripes. (It really isn’t as bad as it sounds, really.) Finally we meet Liza, 23, a trade clerk from Chicago IL. Also a blond. Also in red. We are never going to be able to tell these women apart! Doesn’t this show have stylists? Give them a hint or two, like half the women are wearing red dresses and you might want to choose something else? Liza’s dress is slightly different in that it isn’t floor length, but still!
Whew, Chris takes a minute to see how Travis is doing. I’m exhausted and we still have 10 women to meet. How long is this summary so far, anyway? Commercials, for a pregnancy test the producers probably include in the goodie bag for the Cinderellas; moisturizer so their knees don’t look all scabby and stuff; a wireless phone company with a lot of scary people who follow you around; silly people singing about a breakfast cereal that does not look appetizing; a hunky looking guy who can’t remember to put gasoline in his motorcycle and must be rescued by his wife; a mom who throws a football better than her kids for a pre-packaged meat product; a cruise ship line with beautiful people spending their days laughing; and a promo for the ‘Not About Hillary Clinton, Really It’s Not’ television series.
Twenty minutes into the show and we’re still greeting ladies. We meet Sarah, 26, a kindergarten teacher from Nashville TN. Hmmm. Interesting. At least they won’t need to have the ‘but will you move all the way across the country’ talk. They both laugh over the fact they had to travel halfway around the world to meet. Ahhh. Next is Kathy, 25, a graduate student from Stockton CA. Kathy is wearing a cocktail-length grey dress with bronze shoes and looks quite elegant. Next up is the requisite former beauty queen, Jaime, 29, a physician recruiter from Big Rock VA. (Actually, she recruits doctors during happy hour at Joe’s Bar & Grill in Big Rock VA, but that’s a story for another day.) She has a noticeable Southern accent, which may help Travis remember her (if he wants to). She also is wearing a floor length gold beaded gown left over from the Miss Virginia pageant. Next is Elizabeth, 24, a social worker from Windham NH. Yet another halter dress, this one black, and yet another blond. Finally we have Yvonne, 28, CFO of a marketing firm in Miami FL. Yvonne is wearing a short maroon velvet dress with some funky detail in the back, but at least she isn’t wearing red. (I have been watching way too much Project Runway. Must. Focus. On. The. Women. Not just their clothes. I just wish they would say something memorable. Or at least quotable.)
Our final (please lord) limousine arrives. First out is Shiloh, 29, an advertising manager from Phoenix AZ, wearing a stunning yellow dress which offsets her tan nicely. Well, every season since Trista must have a sports team dancer, and now we meet Ali D, 26, an NBA dancer from Seattle WA. She’s wearing a bright blue, wait for it, halter dress that actually matches Travis’s tie, and the bottom of her hair is much darker than the top layer. Sorry, I just hate that look, but what do I know? I haven’t had a haircut for 6 months. Anyhoo, next up is Stephanie, 25, a public relations director from Walnut Creek CA, also wearing a gold dress, although this one is short and isn’t beaded. Next up is Allie, 33, a doctor of oncology from Delray Beach FL. She greets Travis entirely in French, much to his confusion, and is wearing a long dress that is either mauve or dove grey. Hey, it’s difficult to tell with the soft fuzzy lighting they’re working with here. Finally, our last young lady is Sarah, 23, a student from Winnipeg, Canada. (Shout out to all our friends north of the border!). How many Sara(h)s do we have this year? Wow, I hope he doesn’t keep them all. Although it will cut down on the number of names he has to remember and reduce the chances he blurts out the wrong name in the heat of faux passion. Sarah is wearing red and tells Travis she is actually from Manitoba (not Winnipeg as her introduction banner indicated, although the two places may be close, and this may just be a case of indicating the larger city when the smaller is less well known).
Chris once again speaks with Travis, who is anxious to get inside for the party before the ladies drink all the champagne. Commercials, for a fast food restaurant whose commercials always make me hungry; Vicky’s Secret sale and I always wonder how they manage to put commercials with that content on the air; two perky ladies for a liner to use when you cook so you don’t have to scrub that pan; promo for one of ABC’s many legal programs which my sister likes to watch but I don’t; promo for a new sitcom with Jane Curtin and William Devane which makes it worth a first look in my book; promo for one of those annoying newsmagazine shows; a young man rhapsodizing about a Mickey D’s double cheeseburger; unfortunate drivers confessing they don’t have car insurance; a commercial for a rodeo that’s a’comin’ to town; promo for Meredith Viera’s night job; and a daytime talk show that doesn’t svck too badly. Wow, is it me or did the commercial break last longer than the last segment. Or did I doze off?
When we return, Chris and Travis are still standing outside the chateau. Chris tells Travis of the first of this season’s twists. At the opening cocktail party there will be one red rose which Travis can and should give to the one girl he definitely wants to stay. With that, Travis is finally permitted to join the party. Sarah from Nashville TN gets the first confessional, although I’m not certain that means anything for this show, since there don’t seem to be any Bachelor games other than ‘drinking myself into oblivion so I don’t have to listen to these women anymore’. Jennifer from Boston thinks he’s ridiculously gorgeous and they could make cute babies. Travis makes a short welcoming speech, and let the champagne begin. Sarah from Winnipeg says he is just so amazing. (Why didn’t they give these Sarah’s last initials? Guess no more than one makes it through the first round, huh?) Travis is spending his time testing how well he paid attention by rattling off the home towns. He tells a group of ladies he’s a doctor, and April says she can’t believe this is happening to her. (What’s the big deal, he’s an ER doctor, which means long hours and low pay. Don’t any of these girls watch ER? Scrubs? Grey’s Anatomy? All those doctors live in crappy apartments and have roommates. It’s not like he’s a plastic surgeon and you’ll get freebies or anything. Jeez. /rant)
Allie thinks she’s a shoe-in because she’s a doctor and he’s a doctor, she’s definitely there to find a husband and then she utters what will go down in history as the most memorable quote from any reality television program… ‘hopefully the Bachelor will be that guy (apparently she didn’t take the time to remember his] name), because quite frankly my eggs are rotting.’ Yes, I took the time to quote that verbatim. Way too much information for me, that’s for sure. But amazing television. You just know there was a line producer wetting himself in the production trailer when she said that.
Women continue to be impressed that he’s a doctor and several mention ‘oh yea, he’s my type’ based on that information alone, including one who hadn’t yet met him. Uh, yea, whatever. Many medical puns abound, Sarah from Nashville at first wanted a rose to stick around, now she wants a rose because of him. Tara from San Diego feels like she ‘has a connection’ with Travis after a three-minute conversation. Travis says he is single because he hasn’t met the right person and hasn’t had time to devote to finding the right person. Sarah from Nashville receives yet another confessional. She is receiving a lot of face time tonight. Kristen from Bonita Springs presents Travis with a shot glass from her home town. I recognize the next woman’s huge maple leaf earrings but have to look up her name, which is Moana. She’s shivering and Travis politely gives her his jacket to wear (awww). He tells Moana he’s glad she came.
Meanwhile, inside the chateau a single red rose is delivered on a silver tray and placed on a table in the middle of the room. How subtle. Cortney from LA (whose name will be misspelled for as long as she is on the show) receives a confession, her first I believe, and all the ladies eye the table. One, Kristen from Bonita Springs, blows it kisses. Several mention they really want that rose.
Commercials: a tax preparation company that promises not to make any ‘ooopsies’ on your tax return; a pharmacist recommending a cold remedy that just happens to take up half a shelf on display; promo for a new Queen Latifah movie that Estee will have to review instead of me; an internet service scaring their users but offering a simple way to protect themselves; promo for Lost which I don’t watch either; promo for Dancing With The Stars which I do watch; a car company claiming their vehicles have the best gas mileage; and another ad for the rodeo visiting my media market (which is bigger and better than your media market, but whose news anchors have no facial expressions).
I need coffee to continue with this. How much show is left. Oh please dear heaven, let this be a one-hour show and not a two hour premiere. I’ll never finish this summary and SB will smack me senseless. Back at the cocktail party, Susan from Overland Park tells us the mood in the room changed when the single rose arrived. Suddenly it’s game on. The women ask Travis the significance of the single rose in the room, and he tells them he is permitted to hand one rose out before the official most dramatic ever Rose Ceremony. Travis suddenly realizes he’s outnumbered and many of these women have claws. Yvonne tells us there are a lot of competitive women in the room. Allie the oncologist is telling Travis they have the medical thing in common when another woman (they don’t tell me who she is and I’m too lazy to look her up) sits with them and interrupts. She encourages Allie to continue talking.
Ok, I admit. I was only half listening to what she was saying while I was typing. I was tempted to scroll up and identify the woman in the short velvet dress who sat next to Travis while Allie was talking. Then my subconscious smacked me and said, ‘hey, rewind and pay attention. This one’s a little crazy’. Allie is telling Travis she’s at the point where she is comfortable with her career and her life, and she’s ready to move on to the next phase, the reproductive phase. Yes, you heard that, the reproductive phase. She tells him this in the first 5 minutes she’s met the guy. Now, to Travis’s good breeding, he doesn’t jump up, knock over a table filled with half-drunk champagne glasses, and run for the hills. He politely sits there and listens to her, while Yvonne, sitting next to him, almost cracks up. Allie finishes by telling Travis if that matches his goals, she’s here. Now, I’m sure at least part of that whole ‘reproductive phase’ thing matches Travis’ goals, I’m just not sure he and Allie are talking about the same thing. Travis gives Allie kudos for coming and taking the chance, while Yvonne snickers in the background. She assures Travis she is not ready for the reproductive stage. Travis shares that Yvonne helped lighten the mood and everything moved into fast forward after that.
What, you want me to transcribe every talk? Suffice to say the women are impressed with the chateau, the Bachelor, being in Paris. Travis finally tracks down Susan, the first woman out of the limos, to talk with her. He tells us she is just as beautiful sitting on a couch as coming out of a limo. Several of the women look displeased that Susan is receiving one-on-one time, when Travis goes into the parlor to retrieve the single red rose. Allie feels cheated that she did not receive the rose. Oh, those dastardly misdirection folks. Who among you thought Travis was retrieving the rose to present to Susan, raise your hands. Sorry, wrong! He takes it outside and gives to Sarah from Winnipeg. Canada (which I have dubbed Sarah’s new nickname) asks how many roses will be handed out tonight, then shares ‘oh sh*t’ when informed 12 all together. Ha! Gotta love those Canucks. They say what’s on their minds.
Inside, the ladies watch Travis give Canada the rose and Ali D shares with us she could feel there were women whose hearts were broken that they did not receive the rose. Shiloh thinks this could be the end of her Cinderella story. Susan felt envious and uneasy because she isn’t sure where she stands.
Thankfully, Chris enters the room and takes Travis away to prepare for the first rose ceremony. I’m beginning to wonder whether I can submit this summary in two parts, as we go to…
Commercials: for a trashy talk show that isn’t Jerry Springer; another syndicated talk show that does svck; a wireless phone company that promises that office workers can keep track of each other and still dance; a fast food restaurant that promises to help you lose weight; baby products made from natural products; a car company offering safety and performance in their new sedan; a new antacid that is chewy rather than chalky; a sinus product; a late night talk show; and another promo for the new Jane Curtin show which also stars Fred Savage.
We return to the chalet where Chris greets all the ladies to their first rose ceremony. I’m glad they did away with the cheesy talk between Chris and the Bachelor before the choices are made. There are only 11 roses on the table, which means that tonight, for the first time in Bachelor history more than half the ladies will board a plane and return to the United States. (Please don’t correct me and say ‘and Canada’, because Sarah is exempt tonight and goes on to the next round, mkay?)
After a few words from Travis, he offers the first rose to Cole. Second rose is offered to Moana. The third rose is offered to Jennifer. It’s interesting that the ladies in the front row are reluctant to allow those in the back move forward to accept their roses. Do they think the outcome will change if they force the chosen to remain in the back of the room? Next is Elizabeth, who is very tall. Uh oh, the ladies are beginning to frown! Shiloh is offered the fifth rose. The sixth rose is offered to Yvonne. Number seven goes to Jehan, eighth to Susan, ninth to Tara in the unfortunate dress that matches her hair, and the tenth rose to Sarah from Nashville (see why I nicknamed Sarah from Winnipeg?). The final rose of the evening is offered to…oh the suspense….Kristen from Bonita Springs.
There we have our 12 bachelorettes. Thirteen Cinderella wannabes must say their goodbyes and depart. Most of the ladies are saying goodbye to each other, and Allie the oncologists stands alone throwing darts at Travis. How dare he not choose her after she devoted her life to her career and now her eggs are rotting? The only reason she came on the show was because conventional methods weren’t working – internet dating, blind dating, dating services, she tried them all. Somehow I don’t think it’s the guys. Can’t really put my finger on it, but I have a suspicion there’s just something about Allie that is off-putting to the guys she meets. Like the fact she announces she’s ready to get her reproductive life going before the wine steward has taken their order. Allie claims the only reason to be married is to have kids, and since Travis is in his 30’s he should be ready for that and she’s right there and she’s offering, and why didn’t he take her up on it? Men are just poopie-heads. Allie is telling all the ladies her eggs are getting old, then marches into the chateau and confronts Travis about why he didn’t choose her. Travis admits it was her confession she’s in her reproductive phase, and he’s not ready for that. She doesn’t just accept it and walk away, she continues. You know, I’m sorry she’s gone in a way because she makes good TV, but wow, she’s scary.
Finally, Travis is alone with the 12 women he did choose, and toasts them and toasts Paris and the wonderful experience they will all have.
So, there you are. Yes, at some point I need to look up the definition of ‘summary’ in the dictionary, but there was a lot of material to cover. Coming up in future episodes of ‘The Bachelor’, there will be tears, there will be envy and jealousy, and at least one woman will fall in love with Travis. Thank you, and stay tuned for your local news.
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