(Sniff, Sniff, Sniff) Ahhh........Missssss Jilllllll, you smell finga lickin' good! I knew I smelled ya, baby! Come to me, you broad-backed, wide-hipped queen. Let me love on you for a bit...Now Miss Jill, forgive me for pressin' the issue, but I KNOW WHO YOU ARE and generally, YOU'RE A LIAR! You're a liar of whom I stand in awe, but a liar none-the-less. Cutting through the conflama, Miss Jill - where oh where did you get that scooter..really? I mean the bedroom furniture we got you was from a mold damage sale at the Ladies of the Night Motel (that's why there was a coin slot in the head board), so I know that it wasn't worth more than $50. So where did you get the extra cash to buy your hover-round? What I'm saying is this: if we peel back the layers, we won't discover that an aged or infirmed person was left crawling around the local Wal-Mart because you snuck up on them from behind, knocked them off their little seat, and pulled a Prada - will we? If that's what happened, just tell Iyanla. You know my golden rule: "the end justifies the means if YOU come out on top", so I wouldn't burden you with the archaic concept of morality if it isn't a good fit for you. It's just that there may be some unenlightened clods, like the police, who may think that assaulting the handicapped and stealing their hover-round is a Class 2 Felony.
Well, either way, Miss Jill...let me speak blessing and life to you and your scooter...
(Iyanla raises her arms to the sky, looks up, closes her eyes, and begins to sway):
"Oh great goddess, we demand of thee this day, that the universe smile on our sista, Miss Jill. Bring her more and more stuff. Let her take it by force if necessary. We acknowledge that, despite the doctors alleged orders to the contrary, our sista found the strength in her weakened condition to assault someone and make off with their scooter. That is pretty fancy footwork for someone in such tumorous pain. And, if, by some small chance, she actually came by this scooter in some legitimate fashion- no judgment intended by using that word - I declare that you will forget everything I just said...all except the part about giving her more stuff.
Give her what she needs to keep the hydraulics lifting, the tires rolling, and the boom box booming. Keep that bucket filled with the Colonel's best offerings. So may it be."
Now girlfriend - HAND ME A DRUMSTICK AND TAKE ME FOR A RIDE!
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