The Gastronomy of The Bachelorette

Previously served on The Bachelorette:
25 varieties of appetizers (whors d’oeuvres, if you will)
sticky dates in the group du jour
four hometown buffets
a 24/7 open bar
and plenty of sour grapes

Tonight’s menu consists of a three-course meal followed by a simple dessert.

First course: Mutton or “Sheepish in Seattle”

Theme Drink: Dessert Coffee
Add 1 T. chocolate syrup and 2T. Kahlua to your favorite cup of joe.
It’s good and it will make this summary funnier.

Trista’s first overnight date is with Ryan, the resident poet. In honor of the event, Trista invents an alliterative recipe for True Love: butterflies brewed in the belly. I think this is a delicacy in Brazil and is preferred 5:1 over caterpillars cooked in a colon.

Trista arrives in Seattle, and she and Ryan are whisked to a pretty cool houseboat. They forgo food to enjoy some time in the hot tub. As they parboil, Ryan rehashes the most recent rose ceremony. He tells Trista that he was high on her, Greg was high on cocaine, Russ was high on himself and Charlie was high on his hair gel fumes. This has such a positive effect on Trista that she decides to help Ryan become a man. A glassy-eyed, drooling Ryan tells us, “Seeing Trista in the hot tub is actually kind of hard. It’s almost, kind of, uh, just a weird feeling . . . There’s so many things you kind of have to fight. And sometimes if we’re kissing or if she kisses me or something, that makes it even harder.” Sniff . . . Our little poet is growing up.

Trista and Ryan leave the hot tub for a romantic dinner atop the Space Needle. As the camera pans up the edifice, we all wonder if the symbolism can be any more obvious. We also wonder if we’ll need a truckload of Starbucks to stay awake during the rest of the date.

Dinner conversation revolves around Ryan’s view of engagement. Since engagement is essentially marriage, why not just get married? Ryan, you are such a guy. Apparently no one has ever explained to you the complex science of wedding planning. There is the dress to buy, invitations to order and mail, menu to plan, venue and band to book, etc. And you will need a minimum of six months to write an acceptable poem. Oh, and Ryan, poetry requires neither rhyming nor cheesy references to heaven.

While Ryan is finishing off the hot fudge sundae (save some of that for later, Tiger), Trista opens a mysterious card that she finds in her purse. It reads “Trista, don’t let that grubby Dr. Seuss wannabe touch you. You are mine. Love, Russ.” Trista cringes in embarrassment and digs out the other mysterious card. Enclosed are a key and an invitation to spend the night together without cameras, or at least without ABC’s cameras. They can bring their own.

Ryan expresses his eagerness to be alone with Trista to everybody. “Hey, waiter! Check please! I’m not kidding!” “Hey, elevator guy! Let’s rush this thing to the ground floor! I’m not kidding!” “Hey, chauffer! Drive as fast as you can! I’ll pay for the ticket! I’m not kidding!” He also made some comment about not being able to get out, but I so don’t want to go there.

The date ends, or at least the voyeuristic part of the date ends, with some blather about being the luckiest guy in the world. Ryan also says that he is submerged in love. I want to say “Oh, how romantic,” but since this is Mr. Girlishly Sensitive (and I’m getting hungry), I just picture Ryan on a fork being dipped in a huge pot of melted cheese.

The final shot is the hotel room door being closed with a sign on the knob: Leave Me Alone. Two questions: Where can I get some of those signs? and Will Ryan rate as a Star Buck or as a Micro Soft?

Second Course: Haggis or “Mention Guts and I Lose My Appetite”

Theme Drink: Tequila
This is Arizona. Just grab a bottle of Cuervo Gold and a glass.
It’s good and it will make this summary funnier.

Trista’s second overnight date is with Russ, the resident nut. Why, why did ABC have to pollute my beautiful state with Russ’s presence? Isn’t it enough that we have S5’s Robb?

The date begins with Russ nervously awaiting Trista at Sedona’s Enchantment Resort. In confessional, Trista says that Russ has husband qualities, but she doesn’t know him or his true colors. Huh? Trista, let me run a few colors by you. Black – as in Russ’s soul; Green – as in Russ’s jealous nature; Red – as in Russ’s rage if you’re with anyone else. Somewhere in here Trista reminds us that she has been choosing Russ based on her gut. I think she may need to see a gastroenterologist.

Trista and Russ take a helicopter tour of the red rocks. I’m sure Trista pointed out to Russ the distant San Francisco Peaks which loom over Flagstaff. They probably had a few laughs over Charlie’s brother who is still trying to define love.

The highlight of this date had to be the aura photography. Any charlatan with a camera and some crappy film can make a buck with this in Sedona. Sedona’s version of Madame Cleo reads the biofeedback auras of our loving couple.

Trista’s aura has a lot of gold. This doesn’t refer to her cashing in her dignity, it really represents “the intellect of the mind.” Ummm, is there another intellect I don’t know about? What color represents the intellect of the elbow or the intellect of the instep? Trista also has a lot of boundaries and “cannot be at the unconditional level of love because she’s holding back and is afraid to be vulnerable.” Whatever.

Russ’s aura indicates that he likes freedom and autonomy (for himself only, not for his woman). “Give him a task and let him do it. He doesn’t want to just watch about relationships, but go do it.”

Okay, with all due respect to the New Age aura-reading, spirit-cleansing, lotus-sitting Movement, I have a few questions about this portion of the date.
1. When did Mattel invent the Russ Bobblehead Doll? If he had done any more nodding, he would have given himself a concussion.
2. How did M. Cleo read Trista as the mental wreck and Russ as the stable guy? Trista should demand her money back.
3. How profound and prophetic was the quote about Russ and relationships? Not at all. Fact: He watched Trista in a TV relationship. Fact: He wanted to pursue a TV relationship with her.
4. Which M. Cleo quote was Russ’s favorite and Trista’s least favorite? M. Cleo as Trista: I don’t want to go! I don’t want to fall down there! M. Cleo as Russ: Oh, come on! It could be fun!

This disaster continues as Trista and Russ have dinner before a roaring fire. I think that is the hottest part of the date, because everything else is downright cold. The focus of dinner conversation is personality flaws. Trista has built a wall between them and Russ is too aggressive. This discussion is like a tired old soap opera. Don’t watch it for a year and when you come back, the same characters are going through the same issues. Enough already. Russ, you’re an oppressive creep and it doesn’t matter that a drunk Trista kissed you on the first date. Trista, Ryan is probably still in a sex-induced stupor in Seattle. Hurry back to him.

It’s at this point that Trista opens a mysterious card that she finds in her purse. It reads, “Trista, I know where you are. I’m watching you right now. We belong together. Love, Russ.” Trista cringes in embarrassment and digs out the other mysterious card. Enclosed are a key and an invitation to spend the night together in a little love shack. For the sole purpose of showing America how much ABC is willing to spend, Trista decides that she and Russ should go check it out. There is a little more semi-hostile chit chat before another fireplace, then Trista lets Russ know that there is no way her aura is getting intimate with his aura. I think Russ made another comment about Trista’s wall, not realizing that all in all, he’s just another brick in the wall.

Third Course: Menudo or “Hot, Spicy and Full of Tripe”

Theme Drink: Sex on the Beach (What else?)
Shake together 1 ounce vodka, ½ ounce Midori, ½ ounce raspberry liqueur, 1 ½ ounces pineapple juice, 1 ½ ounces cranberry juice
It’s good and it will make this summary funnier.
Trista’s third overnight date is with Charlie, the resident greasy-mortgage-banker-and-media-whore-who-will-win-Trista’s-hand-in-a-short-lived-TV-engagement.

Cabo San Lucas is the setting of our little love-in. Upon reuniting, Trista and Charlie both impress us with their extensive knowledge of Spanish. “Hola.” “Hola. Cómo está?” That’s about it, which is actually pretty good for two white people living in LA and Miami because, God knows, it’s really hard to find anyone who could teach you Spanish in those cities.

Seeing each other again has brought out the beasts in this wild duo. Trista’s butterflies, apparently dormant in chilly Sedona, have come back for more belly brew, and Charlie lets us know that he’s been like a caged animal for the last seven days. More about Charlie’s caged animal later.

Where Ryan rehashed the last rose ceremony and Russ relived his many high school rejections, Charlie chooses to review Meet the Parents (not the hilarious Ben Stiller movie). His dad, who is currently teaching statistical measures to S5’s Ted, thought Trista was 100% better than anyone else Charlie has brought home. This leads, naturally, to Trista’s question, “What kinds of girls have you brought home?” I have an inside source on this one, and the source named at least three of Charlie’s ladies:
1. Sabrina: a Flagstaff girl born and bred; problem is that she is the lumberjack for whom NAU athletics is named; got along fine with Charlie’s dad until she beat him publicly in arm wrestling and called him a whining pansy.
2. Kelly: lovely brunette whom Charlie met in San Francisco; problem is that she is Russ’s cousin and has all his character traits; got along fine with Charlie’s dad until he demanded she stop calling Charlie 30 times a day just to see if he was thinking about her. She also called Charlie’s dad a whining pansy.
3. Jill: cute, blonde cheerleader; problem is that she is the muse for all blonde jokes (she’s proud of the fact that no one can ever take away her high school diploma, unless someone steals it, of course); got along fine with Charlie’s dad until she sought his gardening advice – should she plant a weeping willow or a whining pansy?

Since Trista and Charlie are so great at connecting on a conversational level, Charlie decides to bring up the other guys. He can’t figure out what Trista wants in a mate, since all three of the remaining bachelors are so different. Well, they’re not that different. Apparently Charlie is sincere, like Ryan is, only more, and totally unlike Russ, who brings a new understanding to the word insincere. This is where Trista briefly makes Charlie’s day. She says that she can’t give herself to each person, because there aren’t three of her. She says it with such a twinkle in her eye, that Charlie is convinced she’s lying. As they kiss, he keeps his eyes wide open, looking for the rest of the Trista triplets to appear and join their rendezvous.

Trista and Charlie take a little boat ride so they can continue talking, and talking, and talking, and kissing, and talking. Charlie is being too analytical about the whole situation and Trista, rather patronizingly, raps him on the head and tells him not to use his noggin. Hmmm, I thought that’s what got him into this whole Bachelorette mess to begin with.

The date continues at La Puebla Bonita, where a lovely dinner has been set up on the beach. Trista states how great it is since neither one of them has ever had dinner on the beach. Let’s see, Trista has lived in Miami (Florida, yes?) for several years and Charlie claims to live in Hermosa Beach (which really is on the beach – I looked it up in the atlas just to make sure the town founders didn’t use irony when they named it) and they’ve never had dinner on the beach? These two really need to get out more. I live a solid six hours from the ocean and I still manage to get dinner on the beach at least twice a year.

After one appetite has been sated, Trista opens a mysterious card that she finds in her purse. It reads, “Trista, please forgive me for my behavior in Sedona. It’s just that I love you so much it makes me crazy. I’ll see you when I get a rose. Love, Russ.” Trista cringes in embarrassment and digs out the other mysterious card. Enclosed are a key and an invitation to spend the night together in a fantasy suite that features a fantasy hot tub. I think this was a no-brainer decision, as most are, for Trista and Charlie. They relax in the hot tub, talk about their future children Blake and Charly Rose (meanwhile, a PBS talk-show host files a lawsuit), and retire for the night. As we watch Charlie’s very white (but thankfully shaved) back enter the hotel room, we hear Trista say, “I’m going to bed!” We know, honey.

Dessert: Jell-O or “Requires No Thought and Satisfies Most People”

This was the most anticlimactic rose ceremony in the history of The Bachelorette. I know that history isn’t very long, but still.

Before Trista comes face-to-face with RRC (wish it was CCR), she watches private video messages. Ryan pulls another poem out of his poem vault (okay, okay, his a**), and subjects us all to it. Ryan, in another aside, I have to tell you that including Shamu in a love poem to your girl is never a good idea. Trista isn’t thinking “Oh, how sweet.” She’s thinking, “Is he saying I’m fat?!” Russ thanks Trista for Sedona and thinks they have a strong foundation based on a fast start and intense conversation. A strong foundation? Don’t let me hire this guy when I build my next home. Charlie reminisces about Trista falling asleep in his arms. I’m honestly not sure if she was tired or bored.

Heartbeats quicken as Trista sweeps down the stairs and the host reminds RRC that there are only two roses. Surely no one present in the room or watching at home is so stupid that there being only two roses is a revelation. Get on with it already. Trista gives an empathetic speech about having been in their shoes, and she’s torn between feelings of falling in love and fear of causing someone pain. She has decided she must go with her gut (Russ’s heart leaps with joy) and follow her heart (Russ is a doomed man). Ryan gets the first rose, we don’t get a reminder that there is one rose left, and Charlie (who is squinting so badly I think his eyes may be fusing shut) gets the second rose.

Russ takes the rejection pretty well. I imagine lots of practice has helped him with that. He says that he pretty much expected it. He also takes the usual loser way out, stating that Trista was probably scared of being in a relationship with him. We all are! He tells Trista, “I think I pressed you on things that you probably didn’t get pressed on with the other two guys.” Uh, Russ, we just watched the show. I’d say the other two guys pressed her on things that you didn’t press her on. Russ’s scary last words: I’ll be in this as long as I want to be in it. Translation: Trista has not seen the last of me!

Next week on The Bachelorette: Everyone reunites, a drunken Jack pees on a bed, Bob tells a funny Fatburger joke, a mockery is made of Russ and Brooke contends that Trista is still shallow for being allergic to horses.