Welcome to the season finale of The Bachelor – the show that seeks to answer the questions:

Could ABC find anyone less likely to propose marriage at the end of the show?
Where the he!! Is Montauk?
And finally,
Three effing hours? What were they thinking?

As a service to those of you who have seen the show and are reading this for the insight and snarky comments, all such comments will be in blue text. This way, you can skip through the boring descriptions of the actual dates and hit just the good parts. Don’t expect as much snark as usual. With three hours to get through, there’s just not as much time for fun and games. Please call ABC and voice your displeasure.

Hometown Dates

Finally, our three hours begins. Fortunately, we start with a recrap of the entire season. Unfortunately, it lasts for only 10 minutes and I was really hoping for 30 minutes or more. Oh, well. Only 170 minutes to go!

It’s time for Charlie to take each girl to meet his family in Montauk, NY, his favorite place in the world. I’ll admit I had no idea where Montauk was and had to look it up on Google Maps. Judging from the satellite photos, that’s gotta be some pretty pricey real estate!
Charlie is conflicted and wants to figure out which girl he can envision in his future. Krisily is first to meet Mom and Dad, and Charlie tells us he thinks he’s falling in love with her. For her part, Krisily looks giddy every time she looks at him. I wonder if Charlie likes Krisily because they both love the same thing – him. She seems very insecure and childish. Every time she opens her mouth it reminds me of high school – maybe even junior high. It’s the way she talks. Like, you know?

He takes her to meet his buddies Steve and Frank, then later, his best friend Jack. All his friends think this is crazy. In yet another unbelievably cliché moment, Krisily tells his friends she wants to be the last one standing. Why didn’t I see that one coming? Frankly, I think she’s more of a dead woman walking since I can’t imagine Charlie actually picking her in the end. Anyway, Krisily tells us that meeting his friends is one thing, but the idea of meeting his family is really nerve-wracking.

At Mom and Dad’s home, Mom makes a great impression, as she’s wearing a necklace of bones to dinner. Did anyone else think she looked like an older Wilma Flintstone? After dinner, Krisily takes mom aside to tell her that Charlie makes her feel really special. Mom is noncommittal, but she likes Krisily and can envision them as a couple. Krisily’s date is over and as she leaves, she asks Charlie to miss her when she’s gone.

Only 20 minutes in. How on earth are they going to drag this out to three hours? And why, for God’s sake? Why?

Sarah’s date is coming up next, after what I hope is a very loooong commercial break. Maybe they’ll throw in a 30-minute infomercial!

Sarah arrives in Montauk and tells us she gets butterflies when she sees Charlie. As she and Charlie talk seriously about their relationship, Sarah tells Charlie she could move wherever he is if this works out. She says she’s been engaged once before and only plans on doing it one more time. Charlie says he will only be engaged once, and married once. Given his feelings on the subject, I wonder if Sarah’s past bothers him at all. Overall, I think Charlie looks more comfortable with Sarah than with Krisily.

They head right for dinner with Charlie’s parents and his friend Jack. Sarah is feeling intimidated because she is the second girl. Jack takes Sarah aside, and after about a minute and a half, concludes she’s a controlling b!tch. Well, maybe I embellished just a little bit there. Jack starts throwing out the hardball questions:

Jack: “Do you like Charlie?”
Sarah: “Yes.”
Jack: “But do you REALLY like Charlie.”
Sarah: Yes, I really like Charlie!”
Jack: “But do you LIKE LIKE him?”

From this in-depth, soul-baring conversation, Jack concludes she is controlling – whips and chains and will tie you down. Since none of this is evident on screen, we can only conclude that either Jack is an ##### or that Jack really LIKE LIKES Charlie and wants Charlie for himself. Jack and Sarah get into it at the dinner table, and, in my opinion, they should probably keep the wine on the other end of the table for the rest of the evening.

As they say goodbye, Charlie says he’s glad she came and got to meet Jack. Her one-word reply is “Yep.” It’s the least she’s ever had to say. Back in the house, they all agree both girls are completely different. Dad thinks they both seem much more mature than Charlie. LOL!

Charlie is conflicted, and he’s too tired to make a decision between the two girls. He’s all choked up at the thought of deciding right now, which makes for a good excuse to shake things up. Krisily and Sarah are waiting outside as Chris and Charlie join them. Chris tells the girls anything can happen this season, and what’s happened is that Charlie wants more time to decide. The three of them will let their relationships grow in the real world over the next two months, just like in real life. Except that he’s still dating two girls at the same time, there will still be cameras around, they’ll visit exotic locations, and there will be just as much secrecy and isolation as before. In short, it’s nothing like dating in the real world. Charlie says he loves them both, but needs to learn more about them outside the Bachelor environment. Charlie awkwardly kisses both girls at the same time, then leaves, promising that won’t happen again. The girls are confused and upset. They want answers now, and they don’t want to share anymore. Sarah says he must be there for the right reasons or he wouldn’t care so much about making the right decision. ”Right reasons” is the new “we have a connection”.

Privately, we find out that Krisily would have said yes if he’d proposed today. Sarah is confident he would have picked her, and is bummed to have to share Charlie for two more months. And finally, we get our first sneak peek of the girls in their dressing rooms. They are tense, but Sarah appears much more nervous than Krisily. Sadly, both girls are fully dressed, which isn’t helping my hidden camera in the dressing room fantasy. 

Final New York Date

Krisily says it’s difficult because she knows she wants him, and is upset he hasn’t reached the same conclusion yet. They hang out at his apartment, and the next part is priceless, and why I’ve really grown to like Charlie a lot. He says: ”I know we have serious talks to have, and I’m not a serious guy. I have serious feelings, but I don’t like serious talks.” Heh! Now, that’s a real guy! They talk about where their relationship is going. Charlie says he doesn’t want to make a mistake in his life – or hers. Privately, he comments that it hurts that she can wear her heart on her sleeve and say she doesn’t need more time, but he does. Krisily says he hugs her like he never wants to let go. She is terrified by the uncertainty. She tells him his job is to miss her while she’s gone.

Final Date With Sarah

Sarah has picked up dinner on her way over, and immediately they fight over who gets the chocolate shake, just like a couple who’s been together for a while. She tells us she wants this whole thing to be over. She knows what she wants and is disturbed that i he can’t make up his mind. In all fairness, she’s not choosing between two guys. Anyway, she first tells us, she can’t handle the idea of him being intimate with Krisily, and then proceeds to tell Charlie that she has certain morals and values and hopes he’ll respect her. We know what she means, though she doesn’t come right out and say don’t you dare sleep with her. She also tells him she’s ready to make a commitment to him.

Uncomfortable Live Studio Interviews

We’re back in the studio. Both girls families are there waiting in the audience. Chris checks in with Charlie in the dressing room. Charlie is really nervous and troubled by the idea of breaking up with a girl on live TV. He’s looking forward to the flip side, but he can’t even start to get excited about the good part because he’s so dreading the bad part. He admits he’s been trying to block out today in his mind. He tells us he hated every single rose ceremony and tonight is that times 100. Chris tries to get him to talk about the good part, but he says he can’t even think about it until the rejection part is over. He can’t get there yet. The best thing about tonight will be when it’s over. It’s clear he’s really upset by the thought of hurting one of these girls. This is another reason I’ve grown to really like Charlie. Throughout the series, he’s clearly been uncomfortable with the idea of causing any of these girls pain, even though everyone knows that it’s inevitable and unavoidable. Of all the bachelors they’ve trotted out, Charlie gives me the feeling he really cares about all the girls he’s encountered.

Now, they check in with Krisily. She doesn’t sound as nervous because she instead has decided to hide behind her giggles. Like all of us, he just wants it to be over. In Sarah’s dressing room, she sounds quite nervous – terrified, in fact. She says she’s freaking out and her stomach is in knots. How does she feel about this happening live? She’s bummed, and thought the whole idea of two extra months sucked. She’s hoping that tonight Charlie will tell her he’s in love with her.

Byron and Mary update – they just bought a house together and are getting married early next year. Good for them!

Next is a segment with Charlie’s brother. Man, he’s a terrible actor. Hard to believe he does it for a living. Next, back with Krisily’s family. Boring, boring, boring. They just wanted to get Nana out there to see if she’d say something crazy. Then, we have more video of Sarah. Now, Charlie’s coming out to the couch to talk to Chris. Wasn’t the dressing room interview enough? Not with three hours to kill. Chris’s interview gives us more of the same. Just to be clear, Charlie is really conflicted about sending a girl home. He’s on the verge of tears at the idea of sending a girl home. Just so that we’re super clear on the subject, Chris expounds on the subject of sending someone packing on LIVE TV. Is Charlie looking forward to that? How many different ways can you say the same thing? I guess however many times you need in order to fill this 15 minute segment and get us closer to then end of this marathon.

All I can think of now is what kinds of things I could be doing if I could get two of these three hours back. Everything I think of sounds like a better use of my time, I must admit. Still, I carry on. For the team!

Unbelievably, the next 15 minutes is video of Charlie and the girls having natural phone conversations in the real world. Real world, except that there’s a camera guy hanging around your house and Charlie’s house. Is this just in case Charlie decides to call? Wouldn’t it be fun to see one of the girls just waiting by the phone and have it never ring? That ought to be good for five uncomfortable minutes. Poor Krisily. She sounds so giddy on the phone, it’s just not natural. I just know she’s going to get her heart handed to her in a paper bag.

Next, we get clips of them watching episodes of the Bachelor on TV because for the first time ever, the girls get to watch themselves (and each other) on TV before the final rose. Nana thinks its weird Charlie won’t kiss Sarah. Sarah’s family thinks it’s great that he wants to hold back from kissing her until the time is right.

Real World Dating

The good thing about taking this extra two months is that Charlie and the girls get to date in the real world. Except, not in public, and not in the U.S., and not without cameras present. Krisily and Charlie have their date in Loreto Bay, Mexico. Krisily tells us their relationship started as just friends and grew from there. Funny, I hardly ever take body shots off my “just friends”. Most notably, on this date, Charlie tells Krisily he doesn’t think its right to do any more than just hugging and kissing – it’s disrespectful. These are almost exactly Sarah’s words to him on their last date! It sounds like a message to Sarah since Charlie knows she’ll eventually see this episode. After their date video, Krisily joins Chris on stage. She’s nervous, shaking like a leaf. Chris points out the final rose sitting over her shoulder. She says she’ll be happy to take that one, but then never wants to see a rose again. She tells Chris that she’s ready to move to LA to be with Charlie and that her bags have been packed since she got back from Aruba. The best part about this interview is that it signifies the end of hour 2. I may actually make it to the end!

For Sarah’s Real World Date, they go to… Loreto Bay, Mexico! Sarah still thinks it’s a weird situation, but admits she hasn’t been this happy in a long time. Charlie tries to tell her he told Krisily about his “boundaries”, but she doesn’t seem to understand what he’s trying to say. In this scene, I think they look like a couple falling in love. Now it’s Sarah’s turn to come onto the studio stage. She looks amazing! Again, Chris points out the final rose, and she frowns. She tells us she’s in love with Charlie, but it’s scary because she doesn’t know if he feels the same way.

Chris points out that possibly she won’t be the chosen one. She says she’d be devastated if he picks Krisily.

More Dating in the Real World Footage

Ugh!. This time, it’s Krisily and Charlie and his friends. Then Charlie with Sarah. Then, back to Sarah’s dressing room to see if she’s still nervous. She is. Finally, check in with Krisily. She’s nervous. There are no signs of liquor bottles in the dressing rooms, perhaps one of the only times they aren’t encouraged to get plastered.

Back to Charlie, and yes, he’s still conflicted about rejecting a girl. Chris reveals that Charlie asked not to break up with one girl in the studio with an audience, but as privately as possible. He’d like to do it in the dressing room where they can have some measure of privacy – right after the commercial. Charlie walks down the hall reminiscent of Sean Penn in Dead Man Walking.

After the commercial, it’s time. Charlie knocks on a dressing room door, and it’s Krisily who makes her move to the door. She laughs when she sees him, and immediately knows its bad news. She’s putting on a great act, keeping herself upbeat. This is sad and hard to watch. As I write this, it’s the second time I’ve watched and it still makes me uncomfortable. Charlie is on the verge of tears and says many nice things about Krisily. Krisily reassures him that it’s okay and thanks him for opening up her world to different feelings and making her feel like she deserves better than what she’s had in the past. She reassures him she’s not mad and is happy he picked the girl who’s best for him.

He is still choked up, and thanks her for taking it so well. Wow! That’s all I can say right now; I’m a little choked up too.

The Nice Paragraph About Krisily

I must admit that the whole series I’ve never liked Krisily. Late in the series, my attitude shifted from contempt to pity, as we learned in a roundabout way that Krisily has been mistreated by boyfriends her whole life. She’s clearly been in over her head for a while now, and I’ve wondered if Charlie kept her around because she was nice, supportive, and non-threatening. However, this segment shows a new side of Krisily. Her composure in the face of a crushing rejection on live TV is amazing. What’s more, her support of Charlie, wishing him well, comes across as sincere and heartfelt. She’s behaving as if she truly cares that he finds true happiness, and cares about the pain he’s suffering, having to break her heart. For this, I would like to say something to Krisily, if she’s reading. Everyone else can skip to the next paragraph. This is kind of personal:

Hi Krisily, it’s me, MTW. Your strength was amazing tonight, and the depth of your caring nature made me realize why Charlie had a difficult choice tonight. I take back every bad thing I ever said or thought about you. You are a class act and I hope some nice guy sees the show, realizes how much love you have to give and treats you like gold. You deserve it; don’t settle for anything less!

Back to the Summary

WOW! Everyone agrees that it’s just like Krisily to be thinking more about sparing him from the heartbreak of hurting her than focusing on her own pain. Chris brings her on stage to discuss what it was like to get dumped. One thing’s for sure – we’ll never accuse ABC of having as much class as Krisily! She’s trying to stay upbeat, even though she’s hurting terribly. She tells us the bottom line was that she needed to stay strong for him, even though it hurts. We hear about her bad boyfriends and you can tell she’s never had a guy treat her with respect before. Now she knows what its like and that she has a right to be respected by the guys she dates. She tells us Charlie raised the bar of her expectations and she feels sorry for the next guy she dates. She’s been so great, I won’t even jump on this juicy setup line!

Finally The Happy Ending

Now, its time for the fun part as Charlie gets to tell Sarah how he’s really felt the last two months. His smile is so wide that she doesn’t even look nervous coming into the studio. He tells her he loves her and thinks she’s the best person in the world, then gives her a promise ring. She throws her arms around his neck and tells him she loves him too; that she fell in love with him in Aruba. As a formality, he offers her the final rose. She accepts it but says “I don’t want any more roses though”. Funny!

The good news now is that there’s only about two minutes left! Final thoughts? Charlie can’t wait to get out of there with Sarah. They have a lot to do – in PUBLIC! Sarah tells us she’s moving to L.A., and Chris has one final surprise - the show is giving them a trip to Aruba, and he won’t be there! Frankly, I wish they’d give it to Krisily instead.

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