*enters wearing stylish pink glittery mask*
Okay, ladies! LADIES! It is now time for group. Don't forget to bring the lock of hair! (I do hope someone scalped Christie. How dare she accuse the great, wise, all-knowing moi of being annoying, when I am the Star of the show and the Queen of all Life Coaches?)
*fake jaw-clenching smile* Well, I guess I had better pretend to jovially banter for the cameras. I hope they get the right view of my beautiful Botoxed face this time.
Good day, ladies! Are we fearless today? My, you all look practically bald, especially Jodi and Kelly! I am having a moment when I feel a bit better. The *ahem* seminar with
Jon-Boy Mr. Murray and the healing potion from Iyanla helped. Hello, Iyanla, you are looking quite buxom and healthy today. I think I know why you are well, let's say, growing in girth, or living larger than before. Perhaps some poor woman/women were swallowed up in one of those hugs and morphed into your body. IYANLA!!! Wake up, for heaven's sake!
Is Kim here? Kim, if you do not stop talking, I will send you out to sit by the garden Buddha. Oh, stop getting defensive, I am NOT attacking you.
Now, down to business. Our topic for group today is...excuse me, Kelly? Jodi? PLEASE put away the scissors, Kelly. Jodi--I don't hear you thanking Kelly--you should be saying, "Thank you, Kelly, for stabbing me in the neck. It brings forward for me whatever issues I need to deal with." (Heck if I know what they are, I'm not your Life Coach so I don't really care.) Now kiss those scissors--don't you feel better? Iyanla, you missed some blood over to the right; yes, it will come in very handy for one of your, uh, potions.
Anyway, back to our topic--masks. *removes mask* What do we use to cover up what is really inside? What do we do to try to make it look all pretty and tie it up with a bow? No, I want to SEE all the ugliness inside you! (Of course, I have none; did you think I was a mere mortal?) Today, we are going to learn how to get REAL. Authentic, authentic, authentic!
*hands each housemate an ugly cardboard mask* On this mask, we want you to write all the things you use to cover up your authentic selves. Now, remember, those housemates who trigger you are your mirrors. I see you brought a lot of extra hair. That's good! We can use it. Please take some of the hair and style it on your mask. Give some to Andy, who will make a useful item of apparel for you to keep as a reminder of your triggers. Give the rest to Iyanla, who will make some kind of potion--whatever it is, I'm sure it wil be groovy and you'll wash your hands in it or do something that appears to be meaningful.
Today you must wear the masks. Go to Pink's and interview people about why they believe you use the things you wrote on the masks. At the end of the day, we will have some kind of potion and burning ceremony with the masks and cry and you'll be all better, now, won't you?
Then Andy will take you to a
butcher hair salon for a new do since you seem to have varying amounts of hair, and take you to find a new outfit that shows the REAL you.
All right, ladies, time to get to work! Iyanla, wake up...it's time to go now. Please share your experiences with us. You know we so deeply care. *puts arm around Iyanla as both give noble and loving pose for camera*
Have a fearless day!
Be fearless, but be fearful of ME.