LAST EDITED ON 10-19-05 AT 09:47 AM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 10-19-05 AT 09:28 AM (EST)

Official RTVW Summary:
The Amazing Race 8: Family Edition
Episode 4: Homecoming Week

For those of you who have decided that this “Family Edition” stuff is not your cup o’ tea, don’t sweat it. All you missed out on was partial nudity, an emotional return to the place where a loved one died, a cameo appearance by a contestant from TAR 1 and a monster home run that sent the NLCS back to St. Louis.

Before the episode starts, there is a disclaimer from the producers that this episode was filmed in Mississippi and Louisiana before Hurricane Katrina struck. In other words, there are no detours where the teams have to steal at least $100 worth of goods from the local supermarket. However, be sure to catch next year’s ”Survivor: New Orleans” where the survivors fight it out in the Convention Center. What? Too soon?

In the previous episode of Amazing Race:
Eight teams left Virginia and seven of them hate the Weaver family. The basis for this hatred is that the Weavers dared to check on all available flights while the other teams held on to the tickets they had already purchased. Well, that and the fact that the Weavers went bonkers late at night at a Waffle House. Remember that scene from Natural Born Killers? “Tell ‘em Mickey and Mallory Knox did it.” Except this time the Weavers let more than one person live so that the Good Word would spread even faster. Praise the Lord!

The detour was a choice of peel and kiss shrimp or getting stuck in the mud. Although the lightweight Gaghan kids allowed their dad to fly over the mud, old man Aiello and the boys who know his daughters biblically got bogged down - THROUGH 17 ATTEMPTS! The other teams cleaned up the shrimp and headed for a NASA space center in Huntsville, Alabama where the Roadblock made two members of each team ride in a centrifuge that put them through 3.2 g’s. The Bransens are first and each member of the team wins a lifetime supply of BP gas (of course, that company will be changing its name in six months). The Aiellos came in dead stinking last and they were beheaded. See what you miss when you don’t watch?

Episode Four:
Phil gives a few teases of which teams are doing well and which teams may struggle. Hey, Phil - instead of stating the obvious, why don’t you return your outfit to the ‘70s section of the wardrobe. The teams depart in order of their arrival:
Bransen Family (dad and three daughters) 1:15 pm
Linz Family (sister and three obnoxious brothers) 1:18 pm
Schroeder Famly (dad, step-mom, teenage daughter and son) 1:33 pm
Godlewski Family (four blonde sisters) 1:44 pm
Weaver Family (widow and three kids) 3:34 pm
Paolo Family (Italians from New York) 3:50 pm
Gaghan Family (mom, dad and little kids) 3:53 pm

The teams have to hitch a ride with the Allman Brothers bus tour to the town where Rachel from Friends grew up so that they can see the largest office chair in the world. If any of you ever get to Anniston, Alabama could you please tell those good people that no one is impressed. You want us to be impressed? Make the world’s largest copier in the world and then get the Bransen girls to sit on it.

Stassi, the Schroeder’s daughter, makes some comment about how she is used to coming in first. Gee, what is this? Forced irony or foreshadowing? The rift between the Godlewski sisters starts to show when Sharon the driver ignores the directions of Christine the navigator. Yes, we’ve seen this argument within a dozen different teams but this one will get weird later on. Speaking of weird, the Weaver family pauses to say a prayer. Um, you’re almost two hours behind the previous group. Unless you expect God to engineer a pileup on Highway 65 for your benefit, you better just get your ass in gear. We flip back to the Schroeder family to hear them bash the Weavers as being white trash and fake.

Within 10 minutes of the show starting, the older Paolo kid and Mama Paolo begin arguing about who has the information for the trip. The younger Paolo boy, Brian, claims that his brother and mother love each other but they argue because they are so alike. Ouch. One thing a young man does not want to be compared to is a menopausal woman. Then we get to listen to the older brother - DJ - and it becomes clear that he is a menopausal woman trapped in a young man’s body. The best thing for DJ to do when this Race is over is to move out of his parent’s house. Then maybe, just maybe, his testicles will grow back. Maybe.

The Gaghan family shows their typical spunk, even though they are dead last. Gotta tell ya - the mom on this team looks better each episode. Don’t know if we’re just seeing more of her or if her peppy personality makes her look better. She’s not looking worn down like the Weaver mom and a couple of those Godlewski’s, that‘s for sure. The Gaghan dad says that he can’t imagine what is going through the minds of his kids - a 12-year-old boy and a 9-year old girl. You want to know what’s on their minds? How about this: “Dad runs like a girl”. That’s what they’re thinking, they just don’t have the heart to tell you, buddy. By the way, if there weren’t little kids in this contest who may actually get on the internet and read this crap, then this summary would contain a great deal more profanity and the unlisted phone number of one of the Bransen girls. What’s that? We already had her phone number on this Forum? Gee, how did I miss that….

One of the funniest moments of the show comes when the marathon-trained Gaghans catch up to the spaghetti-fed Paolo’s on the parking lot. In her excitement, Mama Paolo whacks Brian in the back of the neck with the clue card and he squeals like a girl, “You gave me a PAPER CUT!” You know, if it weren’t for the fact that Papa Paolo actually dared to speak out loud earlier, I would have sworn that Mama has the highest testosterone level in the family.

The Bransen team reaches The Big Chair (cue Tears For Fears) first and they read the clue which says that teams must go to Talladega, Alabama and find a clue in the International Motor Sports Hall of Fame. In case you didn’t know - the Weaver's dad was killed at a race track. If the producers had planned this after the Weaver family had entered the contest, it would have been morbidly funny. But since they almost certainly had this destination picked out before the teams were selected, it’s just a little ironic and sad.

Immediately after the Bransens comment on this, we see the Weavers come to the realization that they are close to Talladega and that it might be a part of the Race. Again, if this was intentional, the producers should be applauded for their wickedness. If it’s just bad luck, then I guess Jesus wanted to shove the Weavers’ face right into the crappiest moment of their life. He would be screaming, “How you like me now?!”

The different teams climb the big stupid chair and get the clue to go to Talladega. Phil tells us that once they get to the Hall of Fame there, they will have to make a lap around the Speedway on funky little bikes where the riders all sit in a circle while they pedal. Phil tells us this while he is standing on the Speedway and cars are whizzing past him. You can rewind as often as you like, but the cars will not hit him.

The Bransen Family is the first to arrive at the Hall of Fame and the Linz siblings are close behind. *snicker* I just said ‘behind’. *giggle* They are all just too happy right now. The other families eventually make their way from the chair to the Speedway. When the Weaver Family finds the clue that tells them to go to Talladega, for some reason we do not hear them praying out loud like they usually do.

Shortly after the bitchfest Paolo family arrives last at the Worlds Largest Office Chair, the Bransen family completes the lap around the Speedway and gets the clue to go to Hattiesburg, Mississippi and look for a pimp named the “Southern Colonel”. There’s a joke here about the Bransen girls and finger-licking good, but this is supposed to be a PG-13 site so we’ll move right along. The Southern Colonel is actually a trailer park dealership. So who’s arguing that TAR8 lacks the diversity in culture that other TARs have given us? If giant office furniture and trailer homes aren’t culture, then what is? The producers have done a damned fine job presenting the best of North America in this Race.

Back to the Weaver family, Widow Weaver says, “C’mon, babies, we’ve got to focus on finding that clue and getting the heck out of there.” Is it wrong for someone to giggle at the prospect of this family being told that they will have to go on to a track like the one where their father was killed and ride a freakish contraption for about twenty minutes? Just askin’. Widow says that daddy loved racing, so they should just get over it.

Meanwhile, the fabulous Schroeder family stops pedaling because Mr. Schroeder doesn’t like to have eight inches of hard plastic wedged up his butt. From the bike, I mean. Stassi, his daughter, screams at him that every minute counts. More foreshadowing, perhaps? Oh, how the wily producers tease us! Then the Linz, Godlewski and Weaver families make it through and the Gaghans are just ahead of the Paolos. The Gaghan daughter isn’t tall enough to reach the pedals, so her brother and ‘rents have to pick up the slack. It will get worse for them before it gets better. That's what you get for bringing your nine-year-old on a competition like this.

On the road to Hattiesburg, we get a little brightness among some gathering storm clouds. When the Linz siblings go to pass the Bransen family on the road one of the Bransen girls moons them. With her dad in the car. You could try to be sarcastic and say, “He must have been so proud”. But with a tush like hers, he should be proud. She’ll get some pretty high bidders when it’s time to go a-courting. On the other hand, it might not have been the best thing to do - mooning some young studs you barely know when you’re all on your way to a lot full of trailer homes. Something I just noticed that surprised me: when you play it back with closed captioning, the text for one of the Linz boys quite clearly reads “Show us your t*ts”. Shocking! Soon to be released on video: “Amazing Race Girls Gone Wild”.

The teams start arriving at Southern Colonel Homes and they have to search the trailers for different departure times. Once they tear off a time, they have to stick with it and stay in that home for the night. The departure times are 7:20, 7:40 and 8:00, so this is basically a big bunching point. The Schroeder family stops to ask a Sheriff where they can find a ‘Southern Colonel’. Not wanting to tell them about the pimp, he mentions the mobile homes. Mr. Schroeder basically says, “No that can’t be it” and they keep wandering around. Inside the trailer park, the Bransen girls start pairing up with the Linz boys and the Linz sister says, “There is no way I’m shacking up with Mr. Bransen. He just doesn‘t have the kind of stamina that a girl like me needs.” Her brother Gassy Linz says, “Hey, I got the sister who ain’t afraid to express herself with her booty, just like me, so I’m good.” The Weavers and Godlewskis arrive at the same time and Widow Weaver is pitched through the windshield when they stop too quickly. Okay, that doesn’t happen. But with their luck you certainly expect something like that to happen. The Schroeder family finally arrives and Stassi loudly exclaims that she would rather be eaten by raccoons than to have the same departure time as the Weavers. Who wouldn’t like to see her eaten by raccoons? They’re so cute when they’re feral.

Second best line of the night? The Gaghan girl says, “I don’t like these trailers. They’re evil.” They’re not evil, honey. They just smell that way because the owners didn’t have time to properly clean them after the homeless drug addicts were evicted from them. The Paolos finally arrive and grab the last time card - which happens to have an earlier time than several of the other teams. Stassi says yet again that she is unhappy with their departure time because every minute counts. Whoever edits these episodes can tone it down on the ironic/foreshadowing stuff. The Schroeders will either come in last or second to last. We get it. Show something else.

The next stage for the Racers is to drive to Richland, Mississippi and go to a certain BP gas station where they can get the next clue from some guy named Les. You know, it’s not the fact that there are kids on the show or the fact that they are staying in North America that is causing TAR to lose its luster. It is the pathetic hops from one lame location to another. Remember the guy in the overcoat in South America a few seasons back? Puh-LEEZE come up with something more interesting or you will have a lot more people turning away from TAR in the future. The clue that Les has to give them is to check in at a location in the “Pelican State” (ooooh, covering up for the BP gas station joke of a site with a hidden reference to Louisiana - how impressive).

What’s amazing is that even as ridiculous as these clue locations are, there are still teams that are determined to screw up. The Godlewski sisters pass the BP right up because they don’t take the time to carefully look at the address on the building. Even when they saw the lame-ass Paolo family pull in, they convince themselves that Mama Paolo had gone too long without a snack rather than giving the Paolos enough credit to see the address. But they eventually decide to go back and they apparently don’t lose too much time. The Schroeders, on the other hand, find the BP station immediately but they have to fill up with gas. Now Stassi is saying that every second makes a difference. Could the hyperbole get any thicker with this family? The Schroeders, Godlewskis, Weavers and Gaghans converge on Les within seconds of each other and tear him to pieces. Too bad, Les. You were too lame to have such a horrible death. Mr. Schroeder tells Stassi that she is getting ugly with her comments about the Weavers, and I would have to agree. She is certainly too pretty on the outside to be spending so much time making herself seem ugly on the inside. It doesn’t bode well for her family’s chances of getting to the finish before the Weavers, who have apparently said nothing against the Schroeders. A little later they will completely misread a map and not realize that the park they are looking for is just a half-hour away from their home. People making this many mistakes don’t deserve a million bucks.

In the meantime, we are witness to more piling on of Christine Godlewski by her sisters. Not that she doesn’t deserve it, she’s pretty dingy. For instance, she has to ask for congratulations when she gets the directions right on the map. “I need a little validation,” she says. Look, honey, this isn’t Dr. Phil. This is a race for a million bucks. Your sisters have every right to rip you a new one without saying sorry if you screw things up for them.

Finally, we come to the last Detour. Teams can either saw logs or win three hands at Blackjack. For some really stupid reason, anyone playing Blackjack has to put on a costume that is supposed to be from the time period demonstrated on the riverboat where the card game is being played. There is a glimmer of hope when the Bransen sisters crowd into the changing tent with the Linz sister, but it seems that all of their sexual tension was released at the trailer park the night before. Those two teams go to play cards and the Paolos (who totally lucked out when getting the last time card left at the trailers parks) go to work on cutting a log into pieces. And who do we see dealing cards? Lennnyyy from TAR1. I’m sure of it. If you had watched him hide from his soon-to-be-ex-fiancee, then you would have remembered him.

Anyway, the Paolos actually finish first and they get the clue to head for the pitstop at Preservation Hall in New Orleans. The Bransens and Weavers are the only ones to have luck with the cards, and they go while the Linz and Gaghan clans quit the cards to go cut a log. For the record, there are few things that have as high a potential for gruesome entertainment as a 9-year-old girl with a saw. As luck would have it, she comes away with all of her fingers intact. However, switching tasks and having only the two adults successfully cut the log slow them down to the point where the Schroeders, who also win at the cards, pretty much catch up to them. In the car, the Schroeders actually say that they have an unfair advantage because going to New Orleans is like going home (they are from Louisiana).

The teams cross Lake Ponchatrain, which is a very boring ride. Best quote of the night? Widow Weaver refers to it as “one of the five great lakes”. No, it isn’t. The Great Lakes are, of course, more than 1,000 miles to the north. But thanks for that Beverly Hillbillies moment.

In order of arrival at the Pit Stop:
The Bransen Family (again) - they win a trip to Orlando.
The Paolo Family
The Linz Family
The Godlewski Family
The Weaver Family

And so the threat of elimination comes down to the Gaghans and the Schroeders. You know they always mess with the editing so that it is hard to tell who is really in last place. Both teams seem to be running for the Pit Stop. When little Carissa Gaghan reaches the mat, the look on her little face would make it impossible for anyone to eliminate her. Well, that and the fact that the Gaghans legitimately got there ahead of the Schroeders. The Schroeders just made too many mistakes and they are Philliminated. Mr. Schroeder takes it like a man, but Stassi gets one more dig in about how if they had just listened to her, they would have done alright. Yeah, we’ll never know because you LOST and the Weavers are still in. And the Gaghans. And somehow the Paolos are still around - who woulda thunk?

Next week - DJ Paolo is a crybaby and Sharon Godlewski has trouble at home(plate). But will this be a non-elilmination round? Tune in next week and find out - or just come here and read the summary.

etf things that looked fine at 2:00 in the morning