Well after this edition of the Surreal Life I don’t know whether to call PETA or Dr. Phil. In this episode we are treated to abuse, tears and confessions and that was just from Chyna Doll. Fortunately for us we only get 30 minutes of this –the animals were not as lucky.

We begin the day with our Pixie Perv Jane awakening the housemates. The Surreal Times has arrived and the headline says “Goodbye City Life”…… I wonder how many WON’T get the Green Acre reference.

The kids are sent to a Dude Ranch run by REAL Cowboys for some overdue bonding by the campfire. Verne particularly is distressed but then again if it isn’t about drinking and riding around naked what is it about. Well then Verne I can assure you that is what a dude ranch is all about………….. Maybe I am thinking about a NUDE ranch?

They have 15 minutes to ready up and Pixie Perv Jane decides that a cop uniform is just what one needs at a dude ranch. Yes, if the dude ranch is run by the Village People!!! Upon their arrival the REAL cowboys are waiting and are seemingly nonplussed to have a former child actor, a dwarf/midget/little person/troll, a she-male, a top model of both genders and two former recording stars in their midst.

But the girls and Chyna too seem very excited to see them in their cowboy attire. Jane probably thought - ho hum as she sees that gear at fetish balls all the time. But in her confessional, Jane does express the thought that Verne does complain a lot and most of it is not due to “size related issues.” Well, we could have said the same… oh wait, we are talking about Verne... sorry, I digress.

The Cowboys send them off to Costume for a changing into appropriate saddle wrangling gear... including child size for Verne. Shame they couldn’t have found a horse in child size as well. But Verne being the pleasant midget/troll/pain-in-the-proverbial-as@ he is, refuses all pleas to don the gear but does compromise on the hat. Thankfully all is not lost as the boys do in fact do the gratuitous nipple displays that men are still thankfully allowed to do – thanks FCC!!!

The first thing they need to do before going on the trail ride is feed the horses and then saddle them up. The celebs size up the horses and the horses do the same. I think I notice a touch of concern on Chyna’s horse (I assume it’s a gelding) as s/he riding him may well constitute animal cruelty somewhere.

Saddle up kiddies and yes you too Verne, if they hadn’t forgotten to include a miniature or even Shetland pony for him to ride. But Verne being a bigger man attempts to join them on the Trail of Tears but short of hip fissure decides to opt out and ride the trail on his scooter... well at least this time he is sober………………and clothed.

Jane expresses how impressed she is that Verne at least tried this time and Marcus says something about how difficult it must be to be a little person. I wonder if he said such sweet nothings to Pam Anderson when he dated her. Somehow I doubt it mattered as if she could understand him anyway.

Chyna confesses that she/he had never ridden a horse before unless it was in a movie or something about an alien. I am not sure if she is alluding to her real life, which explains much or is in fact talking about some movie she was in. (And the only movie I have seen of hers was well “adult” in nature and I am not sure if that is in fact the same thing.)

Along the way the kids get to wrangle some cattle. Adrienne takes it seriously and much like her babysitting style goes into hyper drive. The cattle of course have nowhere to go but back to the ranch... a place they just left only moments ago and I cannot resist feeling that is a metaphor for the Surrealer’s careers as basically it is just an exercise in futility… I know how you feel cows… I so know after 10 minutes of this.

Then the Cowboys tell them for dinner its pork and beans, which for some reason causes Chyna to emit a scream of delight (and as I have seen her adult film I did recognize that) or they can have the option of steak and lobster – if they are willing to brand a cow. Everyone – including the now sensitive DaBrat – declines the offer. Jane runs away in tears refusing to hurt any animal but Adrienne is willing to do the task as she “is not eating NO beans!” Which is odd as I thought models ate NOTHING.

Despite her homies pleas to not brand the cattle, Adrienne is adamant, pointing out in her confessional that they eat meat and its hypocritical but DaBrat ain’t having none of it, no how no way. She says that “it’s different”. Yes different in the fact that you don’t know or see how truly animals are mistreated in the hierarchy of the food chain.

Adrienne watches as the real Cowboys rustle the calf and get it into a charming choke hold as she wields that brander as a true pro. The Surrealer’s watch in horror but Jane has run off to the van in tears... the first of the day’s many yet to come.

I wonder if Chris is thinking about Adrienne’s love of the branding and how this will lead for the future. She brands the calf as it cries out in pain and then promptly makes out with it. Yes Chris is definitely thinking about the future as he then picks up the brander and offers to brand her as.@.

Chyna Doll rationalizes that it was okay as she heard that cows are stupid, like fish. Words of wisdom from a she-male, too bad they are wrong, wrong like a has been former wrestler.

After the task, Adrienne apologizes to Jane, saying that since they do this anyway she really wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary. Well actually on humane ranches they have and use instead a chip on the ear but as we are the Ponderosa, circa 1967, Little Joe still does things archaically.

Then before dusk sets in the campers have to ride off to find their campground. They arrive to find it set and ready – with Verne already there. Once there the REAL cowboys declare that one of them is the Cowboy of the Day and as the winner they get to sleep in the comfort tent with the partner of their choice. Adrienne is declared the winner – apparently for her prowess in torturing animals and she in turn picks Jane as a way of an apology.

They begin to prepare the evening repast and by now its 5:30 so what does any good camper do with a night ahead of them, GET DRUNK. So as they toast to their day the next comes the drunken game of Truth or just Truth. Apparently it was daring enough just to sign up for the show.

Verne is concerned as apparently they saw fresh bear tracks on the ride to camp and because Verne thinks he would be good bear meat wants to leave. Marcus, already drunk as now the subtitles have appeared… frankly they are unnecessary as we can’t understand him sober so why it matters, but whatever…promises to protect him from any bears that may maraud their camp. How he plans to do this is unclear... perhaps he will just speak to them which will ultimately confuse them and they will just leave.

Marcus in his desire to speak the obvious or maybe just speak, shares in his confessional about how Verne really struggles as he is a little person and once he realized that he wanted to help him anyway he can.

Jane tells Verne that he has potential to be sweet but that he also has the potential to be quite the “f”. Apparently she is not as enlightened as Marcus.

Chyna shares her love of the fun they are having and that it was a “normal” campfire. Yes if your definition of “normal” includes having a midget/dwarf/troll, failed child actor, two former recording stars, a she-male and two models of each gender.

Around the campfire they begin to share their thoughts. DaBrat tells Chyna she is not going to ever do her makeup for eternity as Chyna wears too much, like a clown and that Chyna is beautiful without it. Wow they are pretty drunk.

Chyna confesses…no not that she is trans-gendered, but that in fact she is not a professional wrestler. Okay, that is a lie. But she talks about how she has no family, friends, has relationship problems (REALLY?) And is a very insecure WOMAN. Well there is a problem right there!!! And she had tried to kill herself 6 months ago with a bottle of pills by locking herself in the bathroom while her boyfriend was outside.

I wonder if this is after making her home video? As after I downloaded it myself I ironically picked up a Trojan virus - Trojan, usually synonymous with safety this time failed, so I know about pain. Or was it after the same boyfriend had her arrested after beating HIM up! Those crazy kids!!!

Marcus is shocked. He thinks Chyna is such a happy person... well this now confirms not only is Marcus the dumbest male model ever he is also the most unobservant. Perhaps this explains the rumor I read in the NY Post that he and Chyna were seen “canoodling” at a club one night.

Jane expresses sadness and a desire to help her and once again Chris proves he is the requisite daddy figure by explaining to her the difference about being comfortable with oneself to know when it is time to be the entertainer and be entertaining and when its time to just be.

Who knew that Peter Brady would be such a prophet, a philosopher, a sage of wisdom? That and a HOTTIE!!!

On that up note, group hugs all around and another episode of the Surreal Life concludes. Next week Spa days.