Previously on “Sluts on Film”, oops, sorry, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search…

Author’s Note: I guess I better go ahead and deal with the main issue…why would a woman watch this show, much less summarize it? I could make some “greater good” claim that I’m trying to present balanced reporting, keep this at a higher level than a simple hormone stimulator, but we all know that’s crap. The main reason that I am interested in this is because I am catty. I enjoy picking apart these airheads and mocking them. And no, it’s not because I spend all day sitting on my ass eating potato chips.

Sometimes I eat chocolate too.

I know, don’t go in with preconceived notions. Maybe these girls aren’t completely self-absorbed airheads. Maybe they can actually string together complete sentences. Maybe this show is more than just a cheesefest.

Let’s get to the show.

As the girls go back to the house, Stella and Jenna talk about how surprised they are by Nancy’s departure. Like, she had, like, the perfect body. They admit they have no clue…about what the judges are looking for in this competition.

Ack. Can I please go back to my preconceived notions now?

Meanwhile, we find out that Stacy has no confidence. She’s fragile and breaks easily, “like a piece of glass”. After all, “it’s, like a competition”.

Note to self: Keep sharp objects away while watching this dreck. Can it get any worse?

The doorbell rings. As she walks toward the door, our PhD candidate Stacy asks, “Is that the doorbell?” No Stacy, it’s the telephone. I hope for your sake there’s never a quiz as part of this competition, or you’re out of there.

It’s time for the bobbleheads to meet with Roshumba. Oh look, Betti cut her hair! Wow, the things she’ll do to make it all about her. She said she just woke up and felt like cutting it off. Future boyfriends, take note.

Roshumba slaps her palm as she says the MODELING.INDUSTRY.IS.BRUTAL. (Show of hands, who wishes she would have slapped the bobbleheads for emphasis instead?) She then introduces John Bennett, celebrity hair stylist, to makeover the bobbleheads. He offers such, ahem, insightful comments as “What the HELL have you been doing to your hair?” and “I love it! I’m not changing a thing.” Then he gets to Betti and tells her he wants to cut it all off. She’s unsure. Great, she’ll chop at her hair on a whim, but when a professional wants to touch it she freaks out? Can we say control freak?

So she gets a new hairstyle…well, actually, it’s one that was made famous by another celebrity.

She hates it. The, ahem, professional tries to bring her around by telling her the “essence of your hair is wild”. She points out that there’s never been a model with an afro in SI. He gets exasperated with her and tells her that “unless your attitude changes, it’s hard for me to work”.

Look.of.death.

You would think a professional would know better. Here’s a lesson for all of them men out there who have significant others. (You know who you are – the ones who quickly change channels when said SO walks into the room so you’re not busted watching this oglefest.) Never, EVER, accuse a woman of having a bad attitude after she’s drastically changed her hair. I don’t care how butt-ugly you make think it looks. I don’t care if she’s the first one to complain about how it looks. The only acceptable answer is “Babe, you look hot.”

Anything else, and you can change your address to 111 Couch Street.

After the commercial break, we get a recap, since obviously the producers think that anyone watching this show has the attention span of…hey, look at that! Oh…well. Anyway, Mr. Professional Hair Stylist throws his own hissy fit attitude when he says “If I put a bag on your hair, you’re supposed to wear it.” Look, dumbass, she’s the one trying to get a job…and trying to walk down the street without getting mocked by Eagles fans.

Cut to later, and the doorbell rings again. This time, it’s the SI “issue” with their next challenge. Measurements, makeovers, and now movement. They have to put on uniforms (aka skimpy outfits) for the upcoming challenge.

But it’s been at least 38 seconds since one contestant has sniped about another, so we’re overdue. Thanks Jenna, for filling the void by talking about attitude, and saying “Betti’s not a diva.”

I’m so proud. I think she got through that phrase with less than 10 “likes”.

The girls arrive for the challenge and see the LA Clippers spirit dance team strutting their stuff. It’s just like a typical game for them – the audience is about the right size. It’s time to dance. How do our models feel about dancing? Well, since Adaora and Jenna can’t dance, they’re not too thrilled. Meanwhile, Stella loves to dance, and Krisi “used to cheer and stuff”.

Yup, most of the cheerleaders I knew had to stuff. Not me, though, it was all natural, babe. But I digress.

They come out in red, white, and blue skimpy outfits. Basically, it looks like someone mugged a Harlem Globetrotter and used that one uniform to clothe all of the models. The bobbleheads stumble while the Clipper Girls mumble. At the end, we find out that one contestant embodied everything that the Clippers are only mildly embarrassed to embody. For her efforts, Shannon wins lovely diamond earrings, and the coveted Supermodel Pass.

But wait! This is a Super Supermodel Pass! She gets to give one to another contestant. Since Betti’s had such a hard day, and since Betti hasn’t been talked about for at least a minute and a half, Shannon gives it to her.

Back at the house, Alicia’s on the treadmill. After Cartman told her she had a fat ass, she decided she needed to work it. When pizza is delivered, she doesn’t join the other girls indulging. After all, “what goes into the body has to come out”. Thankfully, we’re not shown the purging.

The doorbell rings again, and Jenna is still clueless about it. Luckily, she didn’t have to answer the door this time, as the bobbleheads find out that they need to be at the beach at noon. Nikko introduces the girls to Michelle, who won SI’s last model search (thankfully, not televised), and she gives some bland brak brak brak i’m better than you brak brak brak maybe you can be lucky enough to be me someday brak brak brak speech.

Today’s shoot is a 70s theme. The girls will partner up. Shannon and Betti get first shots at the wardrobe, and Shannon gets to decide which order the girls will go. She strings together a coherent thought and puts her toughest competition first so that they’ll have less time to prepare. After she and Betti pick out their clothes and accessories, the others have a free for all. Mr. Professional Hair Stylist said he didn’t sleep last night because he was worried about Betti. Weren’t we all.

Oops, sorry, I wasn’t, didn’t get the memo.

Kris and Stella are first in line. What could be more 70s then looking completely idiotic on roller skates?

POP QUIZ!

You’re in a modeling competition, where you’re trying to show that you have the right look to be a cover model. What’s the best way to show that off?
a) Take a chance on a daring hairstyle that gives you a chance to show off your nicely chiseled facial features.
b) Pick a glittery outfit that makes you shine.
c) Put on a clown wig and big glasses so that no one can tell what the hell you look like.

Stella chose option C, and earned comments like “stupid” and “wrong”. And for once, it was someone on the show, in addition to me.

Yet another commercial break. My local news is wondering whether I know what to do if a coworker is having a heart attack. They’re so concerned that they ask again after an ad for Cialis. Of course I know what to do…raid their desk for supplies.

Adaora and Stacy are the next for the shoot. While Adaora is getting compliments for her smile, Stacy is complaining that they didn’t let her move more. I’d like her to move more…off camera. That’s right, just go away. Now.

Next are Jenna and Alicia, with Betti and Shannon at the end. Nikko tells the girls that the sun is going down, so they have a last chance to impress the judges during their individual shots. As the camera clicks, we hear the judges’ comments…

Adaora – She could be a model. Um, guess it’s a good thing she entered a modeling competition then. Would be a shame if this were a cooking show or a talent competition.

Stacy – Needs direction. How about this – shut up. Just shut up. And go away. Far away.

Alicia – Has her own style. Smiling is not part of this style. That would require a soul. After all, all she has is a fat ass.

Jenna – Moves well. She must have done porn. That’s all I can say after watching her gyrate.

Stella – Couldn’t tell who she was in that wig. I’m still trying to decide if that’s really a bad thing.

Betti – Now she has a look. Randy Moss in drag. Yeah, that’s a look.

Shannon – I like Shannon. Am I the only one who thinks she has a hideous mouth? And I don’t just mean when she opens it.

Later, in the hot tub, Stacy, Jenna, and Stella show that it doesn’t matter how you look, you can still trash other women. While Alicia reads “The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Being a Model” (TOO.MANY.JOKES! BRAIN.EXPLODING!!!), they pick apart their competition. We hear for the millionth time that Stacy lacks confidence, which shows that even these bobbleheads can catch a clue every once in awhile. Only a rare while, though, since they don’t remember to keep their voices down, and Krisi hears every word they’ve said. So she knows that Krisi thinks she’s “too sexy for her shirt”. It’s OK, as long as you’re not too sexy for my cat, you should be all right.

Time for the judges’ shredding of the contestants as they look through the photos.

Krisi - Dissed for her disproportionate boobs. They actually comment on her surgery scars. Rules violation! Krisi gets penalty points from me for poor plastic surgery.

Stella – Has a J. Lo flair, but without all the husbands.

Jenna – Her overt sexiness would turn off women – she needs to soften up to appeal to women as well as men. Actually, learning how to open her mouth without inserting her foot would give her more appeal.

Alicia – Fat ass doesn’t know how to smile. She has one expression. But hey, it worked for Tori Spelling.

Adaora – “What are these things called here?” “Thighs.” The fact that she actually has them (and, unlike our, ahem, knowledgeable judge, knows what they’re called) makes me like her even more. Since I like her, she must be toast in this competition.

Betti – Roshumba says yet again that “now she has a look”. So what. Carrot Top has a look too, but you wouldn’t want to see him posing in SI.

Stacy – “Does not know what to do in front of the camera”. Well, at least when she’s forced to keep some of her clothes on.

Shannon – “Look not so fresh”. Translation, she looks hard. Real hard. All that clawing and scratching to get ahead is taking its toll.

The girls are then sent to Dodger Stadium, which means we get one more chance to hear their obvious comments.

Stella says “I don’t want to go home.” Really? You actually want to stick around and win the competition? You don’t want to lose? Oh, what a surprise. Betti reminds us once again that she’s never seen a woman with an afro in Sports Illustrated. Stacy reminds us yet again that she lacks confidence.

INSTA-POLL! Who do you think will be going home this week and why?
a) Shannon, because she’s old and stale and crusty.
b) Krisi, because of her boob scars.
c) Alicia, because of her fat ass.
d) Jenna, because of the vacancy between her ears.
e) Adoara, because she committed the cardinal sin of having thighs.
f) Betti, because they’d rather put Randy Moss in SI than her.
g) Stacy, because she lacks confidence.
h) Stella, because she wore a clown wig and the judges are afraid of clowns.

I’ll spare you the suspense…Adoara and Stella were sent packing.

I make this look good.