LAST EDITED ON 07-13-01 AT 10:59 PM (EST)

PART II: REVENGE OF THE HOST

From Shakesvivor to BAVivor to Supesvivor to BlowsVivor. How did it all happen? Join us for a look at the backstage drama that makes the show possible!

Day 0
shakes the clown: Hi, I’m shakes the clown. One of the thinks that I dreamed up to differentiate Shakesvivor from its competition in the reality TV marketplace is a chance for you, the viewer, to understand what goes into the making of a reality TV show. I’ve seen it firsthand, because I’m a soon-to-be-famous media whore myself. But for those of you just following along, who lack the charm, charisma or humor to make the big leagues of reality TV, what we’re going to show you today is nothing less than the human drama in all of its many elements … CUT! … Who wrote this crap? Aya, did you do it?
AyaProbe: Well, uhmm, yes, I did, shakes ...
shakes: I should have known it was you, you loser. Get rid of all those five-buck words. Who do you think our audience is? Shakespeare? Damn, I had to carry your fat ass on spoilers all year, and now you want to come in here and ruin Shakesvivor too? Listen, bub, hosts are a dime a dozen. Minstrel would have paid me to host this show. There’s the exclusive contract with Kismet for the news coverage on Eye-In-The-Sky, as well as the reprint rights for my brilliant writing --- this board’s getting too small to hold me. It’s time you faced facts, Aya; without me, it’d be a ghost town around here in the off-season. If I let you and your people run things, whatever you do won’t be as good as ANYTHING I do. I’m not going to let you or anyone else stand in my way, understand?
AyaProbe (head down): Yes, sir.
shakes: Good. Ok, rewrite this and can all the crap this time, then we’ll reshoot in the morning.

Day 3
shakes (into phone): Great. When should the ads start? All right, I’ll have my production people start on this right away. OK, bye. (hangs up phone) Hey, (bleep).
<A new person come in to the picture. His face is blurred. The caption below the picture identifies him as “not shakes.”>
not shakes: Yes, master.
shakes: Rush project. I’m going to need you to work all night to develop some ads for the FUFME products.
not shakes: Didn’t the network censors kill the last ads we developed for them?
shakes: Yeah, we’ll need a different director this time. It would have been OK if Conspiracy Jim hadn’t put in all that “who says we went to the moon” stuff.
not shakes: You know I tried to talk him out of using the Neil Armstrong doll in that kind of position ...
shakes: Yep, but that’s all water over the dam now. Let’s make a new commercial.
not shakes: We still need a director.
shakes: How about Lisapooh? I loved her “titty bar” in north Texas. Her characters behave like my kind of women. Get some money and get a boob job, first thing. Just like on Love Cruise.
not shakes: OK, master, I’m on it.

Later, Day 3
shakes: How did rhino take it?
AyaProbe: Not very well, I’m afraid.
shakes: What do you mean, “not very well.” Aya, your main job is to deal with these Deb-wannabes and help them to realize that they were booted only because they deserved it. You think I should be nice to these whores? Get your head out of your ass. What, do I have to produce the show AND do your job too?
AyaProbe: Sorry, shakes, I ...
shakes: WHAT did you call me?
AyaProbe: I mean, sorry, master. I won’t let it happen again.
shakes: Aya, it’s not too late to have you replaced. Now, even though you screw up everything else, I have a big job for you. Do you think you can handle being host and producer for a while?
AyaProbe: Really? For how long?
shakes: I’m not sure yet. I need to do some sudden travel, and I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone.
AyaProbe: You can count on me, boss.
shakes: No I can’t … but you’re all I’ve got.

Still later, Day 3
shakes (in front of computer, to himself): Ahh, there’s that payment from FUFME, headed straight into the Swiss account. With all the money there, I’ll be able to live for a while without creditors breathing down my neck. This company is flat broke. Hope Aya doesn’t screw things up before I get to Rio. I wish the clown porn would have sold better, then I wouldn’t be in this mess today. But sometimes you have to take the bitter with the sweet, like on Love Cruise. Hey, where’s that audition tape with all the babes from Shakesvivor? I was going to splice some of that into the next clown porn video. Oh well, boys and girls, I know when it’s time to run. Hasta la vista, baby.

shakes walks to car, triggering bomb…….. HUGE explosion. Superman catches the skull of shakes on the way down.
Superman (to AyaProbe): You were right, rhino must have been a bad, bad boy when he slipped away before the trip to Monkeyboy Island.
AyaProbe: Yeah, but something about this doesn’t seem right. I’ve seen Body Heat. Shakes was the one who told us that rhino had slipped away. How would he know?
Superman: Well, if this isn’t him, he at least wants us to think he’s dead.
AyaProbe: Or he may really be dead; I’m just not as sure as you are.
Superman: I’ve been waiting for a chance to take over this show.
AyaProbe: I’ve been waiting for a chance to use this glowing green rock that I found. Would you like to see it, up close and personal?
Superman: WHAT?
AyaProbe: You heard me. There’s a reason I’m named after a psycho dictator, and it isn’t because I’m a nice guy!
Superman: But how are you going to save the show? You told me yourself that shakes embezzled all the money.
AyaProbe: We’re going to do it the time-honored American way: find someone else to put up the money, then bleed them dry and get control back when they run out of cash.
Superman: Huh?
AyaProbe: It’s the same way real estate developers and dot-commers make all their money. It can work for us too. But you need to get back on the set, Supe.
<Superman flies off.>
AyaProbe (to skull): So, are you Matty or Mary Ann? shakes or bakes? Oh well, it doesn’t matter right now. You should’ve had that money-laundering program checked after I had IceCat make those “fixes” to it. If you’re Mary Ann, you’ll be back – no lounging on a beach for you after you check the balance in those accounts! Hmmm… So who can I take to the cleaners on short notice?

Day 4
AyaProbe: BA, you won’t regret this. This is the opportunity of a lifetime.
BadAs: That’s what they said about the Hokie Haters Handbook. Then Michael Vick showed up.
AyaProbe: You understand the deal. 20% down in cash; the remainder via financing.
BadAs: Cool it, Aya, and make sure I get lots of plugs on the show. When do I get to see the financial records?
AyaProbe: not shakes seems to have taken all the records, even the correspondence with the contestants... All that's left is the film of the first episode.

Day 6
AyaProbe (into phone): WHAT? You can’t be serious! OK, OK, sorry. (hangs up phone)
BadAs: What was that about?
AyaProbe: They turned down your credit application. That makes three down. Sorry, BA, I know we’re old friends and all, but I’m afraid you forfeit the down payment, and I’m free to find new financing.
BadAs: You think you’re so clever, with your fancy law degree.
AyaProbe: Don’t forget the fancy contract drafting, too.
BadAs: Oh yeah? Well, since I’ve been running this show, I know everything about every one of you, and now it's time to make that knowledge PAY! I just sent out the first demands in chat. I’ll get my money back, one way or the other.
AyaProbe: How interesting. Oh, Officer Webby?
(Officer Webby and his men come busting through the door and arrest BadAs on charges of extortion and terrorizing a chat room, as AyaProbe unbuttons his shirt so the police can remove the secret microphone..)
BadAs: I’ll get you for this, Aya!
AyaProbe: Yeah, after you get out of jail, and that won’t be for awhile. Bye, BA! See you in the Blow Hole!

Officer Webby: Did you get enough to finish the show?
AyaProbe: Not quite. I need one more big score.
Officer Webby: You’re on your own, Aya. This isn’t something I care about. Time for me to look at the live camera feeds from the Big Brother house, to see if Justin gets to knife someone tonight.
AyaProbe: OK, Officer Webby, thanks.
(Officer Webby leaves.)
AyaProbe: Who else would be interested in “investing”? Bill Gates? Naah, those poor people have to put up with enough bugs as it is. Warren Buffett? He’s already a sponsor, with Dunkin’ Donuts. Maybe we can do Mon Cherie’s chocolate fantasy, sponsored by See’s Candy. Cherberrie? mistofleas? How much money is there in potions after all? (hears sound of police helicopter in distance) Of course! Why didn’t I think of her first?

Day 7, evening
Kismet: Hello, Aya. I saw that trouble when I was trying to land.
AyaProbe: It was no big deal.
Kismet: No big deal? Someone tries to tie himself to the copter with long hair and a scrunchie?
AyaProbe: That’s not what I brought you here to talk about.
Kismet: I know why I’m here. Yeah, I’m interested in taking over this forum too, just like I took over Off-Topic. But there are some conditions.
AyaProbe: Such as?
Kismet: There are no questions who is in charge. You do the work, but I get the profits. I know what shakes did to prop you up, but now you’d better stand on your own, get it?
AyaProbe: Do I have a choice?
Kismet: That should be, “Do I have a choice, MASTER?”
AyaProbe: Yes, master. Hey, did you read about that performing clown trouble on Cape Cod?
Kismet: My readers don’t care about that kind of stuff. Superhero sex, that’s why I’m interested.
AyaProbe: I just thought it seemed ironic – sounded like a clown showed up in a resort and found out he didn’t have any money, and he had to go back to performing but was really ticked about it.
Kismet: What are you blithering on about now?
AyaProbe: Nothing, master.
Kismet: Good. Get the contracts drawn up, and we can talk.

AyaProbe (confessional): Would you let someone else draw up the contracts after seeing what happened to poor BadAs-Big E-Typoman-Superglue? I wouldn’t. You think it would dawn on people that they have to pay retail for lawsuits, while lawyers do them at cost. Buh-wah-hah-hah!

Day 11
AyaProbe: All set for you to sign, master.
Kismet: Good. You keep looking away from me when we’re alone. Do I make you nervous?
AyaProbe: No.
Kismet: I thought it might be my perfect perky breasts or my youth, old-timer.
AyaProbe: No, I’m not focusing on your looks at all, master.
Kismet: That’s good for you. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful and young. (signs contract) There are many better reasons to hate me, and – now that you’re part of Kismet Eye-In-The-Sky Enterprises – I’m going to make sure that you experience them all, you loser!
AyaProbe: Huh?
Kismet: You heard me. You work for me now, and you do whatever I tell you. If I tell you to change my kids’ diapers, you do it, understand?
AyaProbe: Yes, master.
Kismet: Now get back to work and stop slacking. I’ll bet you even put the recap out late, even though there is NOTHING creative in it at all. If you had any gumption, you wouldn’t have had to turn to me in the first place. Get out of my sight!
AyaProbe: Yes, master. (under breath, while walking away) Your checks better not bounce like your boobs do.

Day 23
AyaProbe: And this is the final transfer of the production funds?
EITS lawyer: Yes.
AyaProbe: Great. Where do I sign? (signs)
EITS lawyer: Good luck. You’ll need it.
AyaProbe (under breath): Less than you think, buddy.
(EITS lawyer leaves.)
AyaProbe (dials phone): Hello. Get me Raoul. What do you mean, who is this? This is Hollywood, baby, everybody is somebody. (waits) Hi, Raoul? Aya. How’s it going? Hey, listen, I need one of those suits against a producer, just like the Woodman is doing with Jean Doumanian. Huh? Listen, sleeping with a teenage stepdaughter doesn’t count against you in this town. If it did, baby, you’d be seeing the sun through bars right now, know what I mean? Yeah, I’ll keep quiet, but I need this suit on a rush basis. A couple of days for the briefs, no more. And mum’s the word until we file. I knew I could count on you, Raoul. You’re the greatest. Ciao, baby. (hangs up) God, what I have to put up with just for a few dishonest gains. (dials phone again) Hello, Hal’s Auto Detailing? Yeah, I have a black Mercedes that needs a full washing – some kids smeared poop on it. Do you still have the 24-hour shop by Fletcher Jones in Newport Beach? Great, I’ll be right there. Billing name? Kismet, that’s K-I-S- (fade).

AyaProbe (voice over, as scenes from production play): What you see in BlowsVivor is just what you get, give or take a little. Sure, we’ve had to do the occasional dramatic recreation, and maybe manipulate a few challenges, and switch the tribes, and a few other things that (if my lawyers are good enough) you’ll never know about, but that’s just the price you have to pay for putting what passes for reality on TV today. As long as I’m associated with this show, I promise that what passes for BlowsVivor will always be genuine entertainment, with just a little artificial flavoring and coloring thrown in. That was the recap episode, which we named “Midway.” Next week, stay tuned for an all-new BlowsVivor. This has been AyaProbe for SeeBS. (several seconds of silence while credits run, then) Midway – was that somebody’s idea of a joke? This isn’t a circus, and there aren’t going to be any more clowns … at least, I hope not! What’s that, the mike’s live? Oh ... uh, stay tuned for the preview of Episode 8, coming up shortly.... OK, now who left the mike live? Those radioactive piles could come in mighty handy as a burial site!

Edited because, as GT points out below, I forgot how to count.