Note to readers/fans/stalkers: This is my weekly Diva rant, similar to the popular and critically praised 'Gay Survivor Journal.' It is an exclusive to the RealityTVWorld American Idol board.
Please note that my opinions are based solely on image, style and originality, not on voice. Some of the biggest selling recording artists of all time couldn't sing for crap. A short list of Stars with marginal vocal talent would include: Cher, Bette Midler, Britney Spears, Enrique Iglesias, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez, Ricky Martin, Kylie Minogue... the list goes on and on. What they had was Star Quality... so what I am looking for is a DIVA (male or female) with that X-factor.This Week's Diva Rankings
1. Kimberley Caldwell
Diva of the Week. For the third week in a row, Kimberley earns the DOW title. In fact, in my not-so-humble opinion, this was her best week yet. In a nod to her “Robin Hood” theme song, girlfriend played Maid Marian fabulously in a classy, floor-length, leaf-patterned multi-hued green silk dress. Her beaded moss-green choker was trendy and yet timeless, and her silky straightened blonde locks, loosely pulled behind her ears with a barrette, delicately framed her gorgeous face. Kimberley has mastered the use of stage makeup as well, with carefully-placed pearl white highlight serving to widen and brighten her eyes.
Some critics knock her for being too slick and packaged, which I simply can’t fathom. How could a Diva be too slick and packaged? That’s like being too rich or too thin… it’s simply impossible! In terms of Diva-tude, this girl is the ‘one to beat.’ (Take that, Simon!)
2. Trenyce
Runner Up Diva of the Week. My homegirl is back! Looking abso-freaking-lutely diva-fierce in an asymmetrical, belly baring beige blouse, which was shirred quite nicely to help round out her ultra-lean figure. (It admittedly resembled a drawstring window shade, but hell, if they look this good, she can wear window shades every week for all I care!) Her calf-length low-rise black cotton skirt was urban funky (without being too hooch-like) and her spiky boots rounded out the look perfectly.
My only quibble with Ms. Trenyce this Tuesday was with her hair, which, for my taste, is getting a little too Marlo Thomas flippy. (She looked much better in that sleek bob on Wednesday night.)
3. Kimberly Locke
In a huge leap this week, Kimberly moves from seventh to third. Perhaps she’s been reading my column? I could not have made a better choice for her if I picked it out myself. Heavy-set women should use this as a ‘what to wear’ primer! Her sleek, straight hair provided vertical diversion, making her otherwise-round face appear thinner and longer. The black jacket was carefully fitted, and the vertical pinstripes continued the lengthening effect. Finally, the tailored, solid black pants kept the attention away from the lower ‘problem’ portion of her body.
4. Ruben Studdard
Was this a good week, or what? (Well, fashion-wise, anyway!) Ruben, who also appears to be reading my column, finally ditched the tent-like 205 jerseys, in favor of a dope black leather jacket and matching cap. Black wool slacks and an oversized gray rayon T-shirt rounded out the look perfectly. Sure, he’s still as big as a house, and dumb as a box of rocks, but at least this week he was easier on the eye! Congrats, Ruben, on your first glowing (albeit backhanded) GIJ review!
5. Clay Aiken
No two ways about it, Clay was simply dull as toast on Tuesday, in an olive and white striped shirt with black slacks. I can’t really criticize the look… but a Diva needs to take risks, and to stand apart from the crowd. Clay seems to be (like the Chess Club Geek that he is) just trying to blend in to the masses.
There is still time to wow us, Clay… I dare you to be yourself. We love lanky, Dumbo-eared, vowel-chewing, spiky-haired, lazy-eyed Clay! Don’t long for ‘normal’ness! Embrace your nerdity!
(By the way, I would have reviewed Clay better on Wednesday, when he shined in a purple rayon shirt and matching lip-gloss. Talk about standing apart from the crowd! You go girl!)
6. Carmen Rasmusen
How quickly they fall! Previously-fabulous Carmen tumbles from second to sixth this week, in a wannabe-bad girl outfit which suited her about as well as her wretched song choice. The perky, ¾ sleeve denim jacket was waaay too fitted and carefully-distressed to harden her image at all, and the straight, knee-length, cotton camouflage skirt was simply wrong, wrong, wrong. (I hadn’t previously noticed how knobby and pale Carmen’s knees are.)
Worst of all, Carmen sported little chunky boots with bunched ankle socks, in a style as outdated as her song (though perhaps still chic in rural Utah.)
7. Ricky Smith
It was a mixed week for Ricky, fashion-wise. His tan knit hat, as Simon pointed out, was dreadful, and his glowing white T-shirt drew the eye to his protruding belly. His dark jeans, however, were a slimming choice, and his buttery taupe leather jacket was actually quite nice. (Good God… I’m complimenting Ricky… has hell frozen over?)
Still, all things considered, I’m glad to see this ear-splitting, underbite-sporting, Hercules-chanting, fake-afro-wearing, stage-presence-challenged dork finally get the mercy boot! Good riddance!
8. Joshua Gracin
Someone needs to be shot for putting this pudgy Marine in white week after week. Clearly, Josh’s stylist has not been reading my column! He quite honestly looked like the side of a barn in an oversized creamy-white dress shirt worn over an unflatteringly ill-fitted white T-shirt. His baggy yellowed distressed jeans were fashionable, no doubt, but would be better suited on one with longer legs or a narrower hip. The yellow areas only served to draw attention to his unfortunate thunder-thighs.
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our wannabe-Idols. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary about Survivor, American Idol, and Amazing Race. Also, if you dare, please check out his website, http://www.gaycomedyjournals.com/
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Thanks for another wonderful edition of the Gay Idol Journal! I loved it.
