It’s Time for the Siggies, Aka - The 11th Loser Lodge Gala Celebration,,

where we celebrate the latest, lowest, laziest, and most importantly the lewdest Loser Lodge winners. Stay tuned my friends, the cameras are rolling, and the spotlight is on…. you.

(Intro by the Loser Lodge kazoo band).

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends,
We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside

(Ed - Please note, most of this show that plays on the inside of my closed eyelids, so occasionally you’ll just have to nod and smile and pretend to comprehend).

There behind a glass stands a real blade of grass,
Be careful as you pass, move along, move along.

Come on inside, the show's about to start,
And I guarantee, it will blow your head apart.

Rest assured you'll get your money's worth,
The greatest show in Heaven, Hell or Earth.

You've got to see the show, it's a dynamo, a dynamo.
You've got to see the show, it's rock and roll, rock and roll!

This…

is….

American Idol! …

No wait, even better,

it…

is….

the…

The 11TH Loser Lodge Gala Celebration!

The Siggies!!!!

Applause!!!

My fellow Loser Lodgeranians, we have a great show coming up, and I know that you will be blown out of your seat. Because of this we have our willing Cabana Boy/Girl support staff on hand waiting to blow you back into it, so stick around.

First up, we have to lay a lot of praise on Suzzee. What for? (you ask). How the hell would I know? (I answer). I don’t write this stuff, I just read the teleprompter. She must have done something, though, because as we all know, teleprompters never lie. Anyway, whatever it was, it earned her a Siggie Award for the 11th Loser Lodge season, guaranteed to get her discounts at Lingerie-R-Us and free stripper pole rental for 12th Loser Lodge. We would hope that she is generous with the pole, and that everyone who has pole-wise aspirations will try and realize their innermost desires for full disclosure and exposure on it. I know that I have always wanted to wing out a wang on a stripper pole, so maybe I can finally have this wish fulfilled.

So, as director of this cruise, we have a Siggy Award for her;

Now, on to the supreme honor to be bestowed on our 11th Loser Lodge Season Winner- CT Girl.

She was actually sober enough at key times to have accumulated enough points to take home the ultimate 11th Loser Lodge bacon. As a true lover of animals and devoted activist, she enjoys bacon fried, broiled, micro-waved, and she even occasionally pops down a raw rasher. For her it can be a snack, or a side for a pulled BBQ pork meal, sandwich filler, and/or as a main course. Her Bacon Wrapped Ham Steak with Pigs in Blankets were the hit of her latest backyard hog smoking party, so this honor is fitting indeed for this abuser of pork flesh (in a good and tasty if excessive way).

This is a real accomplishment for someone who often took top honors in the Jello shot contests. She claims to have no memory of this season, or of the stage shows she put on in the LL Stripper rooms and bungalows. But thankfully we all had our camcorders.

CTGirl, here is your Siggie Award. Wear it to show your LL pride (I practiced saying that with a straight face), and any time you want to show your ultra coolness. BTW, there will be a private showing of her privates in the Loser lodge screening room at midnight. The pubic is welcome to attend.

Applause!!!

That was spectacular, but we have still more to come.

Ag”Crab”man, come up on stage. Our local graffiti artist is responsible for most if not all of the artwork that defaces our lodge, and since we have no funds and no desire to clean it up, we’re going to call it art and leave it in place. We will plan a walking tour for tourists (Hey, if we ever have any tourists a walking tour will be a good thing to have, right?) of the crayolla murals of the great depressionist artist, Jean Claude Crabman.

And we have a sig to go along with it honoring our resident wall defacer, sig maker, and provider of graphic art for LL11. If we refrain from mentioning how the colors tend to run when alcoholic drinks are splashed on his works (in praise, I’m sure), or how making the grass blue and the sky green is just wrong, I’m sure that he’ll be willing to return for LL12. In fact he’s already begun, check out the art at the end of this post.His art captures the very essence of our mantra “We don’t know about Painting no Pictures”, and so, I’m proud to present the following Siggie Award to AGMAN:

(a tribePhilation)

And, in the first of two double Siggie Award events tonight, a second Siggie Award signifying absolutely nothing except that it’s one of the first Siggie Award designs by yours truly, here is another for Agman.

Applause!!!

Next, we call J”Leggs”Bug to the stage. In recognition for her loquacious and incessant posting of every thought that ever pops into her head, JBug gets the 11th Loser Lodge DAW Siggie Award, peach division.

It was decided by the judges that since no one could shut her up that we would pretend that we actually paid attention to her and that that was a good thing. It’s not hard for most of us to pretend anything considering the excessive booze and heroin consumption at LL. And she does add bulk to the LL threads (not calling anyone fat here), and that is actually a good thing. So, here is the 11th Loser Lodge Siggie Award for X-treme Daw-ity. Keep it up baby!

(Oh dear, I was afraid this would happen, we can’t seem to get the DAW Siggie Award winner to leave the stage. S’curty, s’curty, Please escort Ms Leggs off the stage. And please, do not use your tasers and batons in front of the cameras, we have enough legal problems…Thanks)

Applause!!!

OK, folks, this next award is especially trashy, (which is saying quite a lot when one considers the outstandingly trashy past Loser Lodge Award ceremonies. This is trashy from folks that know trashy!. Heck, this is trashy from those that invented trashy!).

The Siggie Award for the “11th Loser Lodge Pick-up Artist”.

In an amazing coincidence, the same person also captured “S19 Loser Lodge Goofiest Grin” award.

This winner is: (Don’t you just love the suspense?)

Drum roll

TribePhil!

Applause!!!

Come on up and get your Siggie Awards, you nepharious fellow, you. Yes, I said Siggies. Because your habit of flaunting your cud on Rodeo Drive in a see-thru Band-aid Speedo floss thong (well documented in the LA police blotter) is well known, the LL judges thought that the cheapest way to get extra LL advertising would be to give you an extra sig, one for each butt cheek. Wear these in good health, and often. So far those pesky indecency laws are only misdemeanors, a little fine at the worst.

More Applause!!! The unpassed out portion of the crowd goes wild!

Ok, let’s see here, who’s next…Hmmm…Oh yes…Mistress Brushy Kermit, come on down.

Now, Kermie, tell us please, what secrets are you hiding in that magnificent feather duster of a tail? (Whisper whisper whisper whisper) (I pass out for a minute, then revive), (whisper whisper whisper whisper), occasional Interjections of “Oh hail yeah!” , “You were on fire that day!”, and “You are a goddess”…

Folks, I’m bound by contract to client secrecy. So of course I’ll tell all after the ceremony. Suffice it to say that when Kermie publishes her bio, buy it. Just…buy it!

Anyway, she gets the “11th Loser Lodge Bush League Secrets Award”, (also known as the “11th Loser Lodge Pied Piper Award” because of the habit we’ve developed of following her LL bush around). Pin it on your bushy tush and wear it in good health.

Applause!!!

Survivor Maniac? You out there? Come and accept your award for “11th Loser Lodge Flying Under the Radar “ Siggie Award.”

This was originally named the “11th Loser Lodge Under the Dumpster Award” because that’s where the LL Maniac usually wakes up in the morning (or afternoon), but it was felt that it was more important to honor your crush on the MASH corporal. Your drunken and teary laments that lasted far into the night burned thru the drunken stupor of most of us, so that’s how we wanted to honor you.

Here you go, you Maniac you, a Sig you should be proud of, and that you can wear whenever those yens for Cpl. O’Reilly overwhelm your senses.
.
.

And as it often happens (OK, it’s never happened before, I lied) there was a tie for the “11th Loser Lodge Under the Radar Award”, so Mr. Bystander, please come down and accept your Siggie Award.

This UTR award was more to avoid having to mention your heinous crime of backwashing the beer just in case there is anyone on Loser Lodge that didn’t know about that. So we won’t mention that you attempted to drink all the beer and smuggle it out of LL to sell at a profit, then regurgitated it back into the kegs when the local forces of decency (imported from another location, when we need decency we have to rent it from somewhere) were closing in. So rather than go through all of that in front of this passed out audience, we’ll just pretend that you won an UTR award.

Here it is, wear it in style, but please try and not to heave on it, we couldn’t afford puke proof materials.

Now we come down to that much awaited award, the “11th Loser Lodge Finger Pointing” award. And we know which finger is being pointed, and at who, right? Hint, it’s otherwise know as “The Middle Finger Award”. Anyway, this award is one of the hardest to win at LL, maybe because the middle finger is the knee jerk reaction to just about everything by everyone. Anyone who can stand out in this crowd using the middle finger salute really has to work it to the max. So it is with great pride that I present this award to…..

Molaholic.

Mr. Mola has used this gesture so much that we would have to break all the fingers in his hand in order to allow him to not make this gesture. It’s frozen in place. That, my friends is dedication, the kind of dedication it takes to win this particular award, and it gives me great pleasure to hand this award to him. Congrats, Moley, nicely played. And I echo the wishes of everyone you eff’ed off, eff you too. And I mean that in the most affectionate way possible. Well, not the most affectionate way, but well… in a good but not literal way. You should know however that there are those here that would take the literal path, so let that reassure you.

Ed. Note - Modesty and the fear of pissing off the local Outlaw Biker gang prevents us from actually portraying the correct finger.

Next we have the “11th Loser Lodge The Diverting of Suspicion Award”, which goes to,

Dakota

Anyone with half a brain would know that anyone who accuses everyone else of everything that happens is most likely hiding her own crimes. But since there isn’t half a brain in all of Loser Lodge, or on Loser Lodge Island, or in all the Loser Lodges that have ever been, this is definitely a winning strategy at LL. Hence the award. Nice going Dakota, your scantily clad diverting of suspicion was well done indeed. One mystery solved, and yet another mystery takes it’s place.

Once again, earth moving Applause!!!

Next, I have the absolute honor to present the Siggie Award for the “11th Loser Lodge Best One Liner” to;

Wallflower.

Suzzee bestowed this honor on the wild and crazy and very ironically-named Wallflower for this line. “Guppy is the one who stole the beer. I found a Vienna sausage in his drawers, so it has to be him.” Apparently Suzzee did a spit-take with her coffee which qualifies our little Babushka for this particular Siggie Award.

However I would like to correct one part of this record. It was a Salami (IYKWIM) not a Vienna sausage (and, to quell some other rumors, not a potato nor a roll of socks). I can only think that the coffee spraying around the room must have distorted Mistress Wallflower’s vision.

Finally, my award. I award the “11th Loser Lodge Best Mafia Accountant” Siggie Award to me, Kingfish, based on my skills at juggling the Loser lodge books, my inventive financing schemes, and the techniques I introduced for disposing of the bodies of auditors. The best testament to my subtle skills is the fact that no one here has ever seen an IRS agent or an auditor at Loser Lodge. Alive.

Modesty, current local, state, federal, and international laws, as well as various the statutes of limitations prevent me from a full disclosure of the methods I’ve employed. Let’s just say that when I borrow a credit card, it stays borrowed, and there are no complaints.

In order to maintain a low profile and to avoid intervention by Interpol Agents and Jack Bauer, it was thought best not to mention the seamier side of LL reality, you know, the killing and body dismembering and eye goiuging stuff, so the official Siggie Award will read as follows:

Pretty cool, eh?

Thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen, that concludes my portion of these events. Now we will hear from the winners.

(Someone get out the fire hoses, we need to wake these people up).

Here is a preview of next season’s Loser Lodge. Good vs. Evil.

I’m not sure if we have anyone who can do “Good”, but we shall see.

Stay tuned.