LAST EDITED ON 11-02-02 AT 05:04 PM (EST)TAR3 ep 5 “Cry Me A River. I May Be Able to Swim to the Clue”
Previously 9 teams travelled 1600 miles from Scotland to Portugal. The Airheads “Alliance Shmalliance” fell apart, Mrs Terrier found out what a drag Ian is, and Heaves got ho’d when they solved the wrong part of the clue. They’d have you believe it was a mistake anyone could have made, but all other teams worked out that “You must WALK to the pit stop” means walk, run, skip, jump or hop, but don’t hop in a cab.
When Heave were first to arrive at the Pit Stop, Eve said it was ‘psychotic’ that no other teams were there. She looked a bit of a psychotic rich kid herself who’d kill her parents and say it was because she suffered emotional trauma from having too much money. Heather said “it was a bad way to go out.” So much for the lawyer career, it would seem. However, creative redefinition is where it’s at these days and Heave-types are in demand. “No way blowjobs are sex.” “Sure, you can ‘invest’ those pension funds on your own behalf, sure.” We’re not gonna run out of Bill Clintons and Enrons any time soon.
Phil V-O’s that Lisbon has been a world centre of culture and science for more than 2000 years. On the banks of the Tigris River is that well known restaurant and fortress nightclub & hotel, the Tour de Belem. Protecting Porto for 460 Years! Entertaining for Six! Eight teams are mandatorily eating sandwiches and resting on couches. Hardly the lap of luxury. Teams aren’t doing well at “mingling” either: Airheads are talking to each other while Mike & Kathy view the countryside from a rooftop. Looks like the Heaves’ departure really tore a giant hole in the Shmalliance.
Phil makes it sound fresh and new that teams will be solving clues to get to the route markers. Up to last ep, instructions have been straight forward. Phil frightens us by posing the questions: Can Aaron & Arianne rise from last place? Will Teri&Ian fall back? This bodes ill. It’s a well-known Reality TV Inverse Ratio: the fact of being mentioned as possibly losing multiplied by the viewers’ wish to have them do so equals the actual chances of not seeing it happen.
It’s 229pm and having been promoted from “second team to arrive” KG are first to leave. The clue is less instruction and more clue: teams are to get to the westernmost point in continental Europe. Phil lets us in on the joke: the historic site is in Portugal and only a taxi “hop” away.
Ger finds a giant park in which to unfold the lifesize map of Portugal he invested in. He struggles to hold it down but finally locates Cabo Da Roca. In answer to Ken’s nervous question, Ger says no no no, it’s too close to fly. It’s only 22 miles away.
FloZzz depart 231pm and we learn teams get $500 for this leg. Flo says Zach has gotten better at dealing with her emotions on this trip. When did he have opportunity to really deal with them before, I wonder. The previews revealed she’s to be freaking out later. Does this foreshadow him going Ian on her?
At 232 pm, the Super Arnolds are super confident, thanks to being in the happy BroAlliance. Gerard sees them and scuttles over, throwing the map under a tree, almost as if he were trying to hide the fact that he was using a map. He’s all clandestine as he informs them he’s located the destination. Ger is definitely strangely whispering and looking over his shoulder “keep it under your hats, we’re being watched.”
233 Andre & Damon depart. It says “Team 911” onscreen, which I finally realize is a reference to their Cop & Fireman jobs and not to Sep. 11. A world of difference between Team 9-1-1 and Team 9-11. That difference might be recalled as The Other Side. ;)
Andre&Damon get their first DR and it’s unmemorable as to content but totally useful for player identification. Andre refers to “Damon and myself” so Andre is the lighter skinned better looking one. Since the Mandatory Pit Stop has yet to include reference to Sh*t Shower & Shave, we’ll likely never know if he shaves for effect or actually is bald. Andre is better looking even if you don’t like bald men with moustaches. Did Damon take on Mike Tyson? Win or lose, his features have a squashed & “needed to be sewn back on” look. He’s the darker skinned one with closely cropped hair and sporting the big earring in his left earlobe.
They say they don’t know where they’re going. Have they lost their Route Info already? Did Gerard buy the last map in all of Porto? Is Damon’s face making people refuse to serve them in shops and run the other way in the street? No, none of the above. They just can’t be bothered to work out the cryptic clue. :rolleyes How do teams like this last even this long?
While KG spent money & time buying and looking at a map, FloZZZ simply asked the map sellers how to get to the westernmost point in continental Europe. They’re directed to walk to nearby Belem Train Station and are soon aboard a train bound for Cascais, the stop closest to the Roca.
The BroAlliance, incompetently led by Dicktator Gerard, look surreptitiously for a taxi to go to Santa Apalonia Train Station, trying to keep other teams (read the SpyGuys) from working out where they’re going. Too bad Ger’s map didn’t come with a map of Porto. They could have walked to Belem Station. Andre & Damon instruct their cabby to follow BroAlliance’s cabby. Isn’t Team SpyGuys perfect for the lot of them?
234 Terrier Time! Yip Yip Yip, Ian is nipping at Teri’s heels, “Where we going, where we going, where we going?” Teri voices-over that “After 21 years of living with somebody you learn where to put your foot down.” Meaning? We’ve yet to see her put her foot down anywhere, tho we’d like to see her put it down his always-open yap. Ian is now saying, “you’re not zipped, you’re not zipped.” So ZIP IT she snaps. Ian is Broken Record boy today, but then why should today be different from all other days? Team Terrier learn from some woman in a carpark that it’s 30 km to “Cabo de Hota.”
236 and JV&J bound out. So many teams have dog qualities this year. Jill tells us that neither she nor John Vito makes the decisions - it’s always a group effort. “Group” seems wrong for just two, that is, until I factor in the 3rd team member and his entourage: ouija board, psychic, and contact on the “other side.” Maybe “group” is right after all. They pepper the cabby with remarks: “As fast as you can go.” “Would a train be faster?” “No?” So they sit back. Jill has on lumenescent lipstick and for some reason that makes me wonder how long we’ll have to wait until her “group” is arguing.
At Belem Train Station FloZzz are boarding a train to Cascais, Zack feels good about what they’re doing. They’re the only Team on this train. Like it or not this team could be in it for awhile. Zack is doing ok even without the Shmalliance.
240 MMMK find the only English girl in the park, and she tells them the “westernmost point” is 22 miles away. Michael says, “So it’s in England?” :ROFL Cabbing it all the way, Michael bets not a lot of teams got the quick help they got. Kathy is less sure. She DRs they love each other, but don’t say it -- action speaks louder than words. Heh, this relationship moved forward quickly. I remember when his action was to say, “We don’t got to sit next to each other. I don’t even like her.” . TAR - the Amazing Love Cruise Race.
At 254 Airheads are last to leave. They’re all alone in their own Shmalliance. He tells us that after being 3rd, 2nd, 4th, it’s really hard to be last. I thought he also said something about “the pack” but is further proof of their dogginess really required?
Ian the Annoying is more annoying than usual today, as he chomps, vigorously breaking in a new piece of gum. Teri keeps up the workoug on my Annoy-O-Meter by yelling “Taxi” while still on a pedestrian overpass. In the cab, Ian says he’s the pilot and she’s the navigator. “When I say we fly, we need to fly.” Teri looks grims but keeps it zipped. Will the foot be down soon, Ter?
The Shmalliance tell us they asked around and learned the “usual” way to get to Cabo da Roca is by bus and train. They hope other teams are doing just that, while they are going all the way by taxi. I for one am amazed to hear the generic “other teams” instead of “those twins” or “those brothers.”
Two cabs pull up to a light. Gerard opens with a fake friendly “hey there.” The unlucky greetees are JV&J who reply “Where ya going?” Gerard’s face is a study in delight. They fell for it! “Can’t tell ya.” nya-nya ya boo. Maybe JV&J deserve a snub for befriending Shmalliance, but that little stunt makes me dislike the Dicktator more. That was more Snitback than Payback. Have we missed something horrible that JV&J did to the Bros?
John Vito then asks his cabby where that other cab is going, and learns that the Bros are headed for Santa Apalonia Station, or as Jill says “the train-o.” Way to make up the languge as you go along, Jill-o. Again they ask if it’s faster by cab. Would the cabbie tell them if it weren’t? However, in this case it probably is fastest to taxi all the way, because (1) it’s only 22 miles (30k), not that far, (2) the train doesn’t go right to the Roca, so (3) train teams will need another taxi to get them to the actual route marker location. I don’t mind JV&J working this out but it pisses me off that Shmalliance worked it out too.
SpyGuys A&D successfully follow the Bros to the Faraway Train Station, but still don’t know where they’re going. I have zero sympathy for this “predicament.” I would like to know why they rejected all normal methods of finding out the identity of the destination. Why are they acting as if maps, Information Desks and passersby are out of bounds, but tailing other teams is perfectly okay? It’s not like the town is deserted - it’s 3 in the afternoon. If they plan to rely on others to do the “hard” clue-solving stuff, then by rights they should be eliminated soon.
They approach the Twins and tell them that they’re just going to follow them, so why don’t they just tell them where they’re going? It’s a 9-1-1- for 4-1-1 these guys need information!! They’re even willing to buy their way in, offering Gerard 30 Euros for the Bros’ help. I wonder how Police Guy handles regular surveillance work. “I don’t know what you are up to, but I’ve been assigned to tail you, so why don’t you just tell me which shady looking character you’re gonna meet, where & why? Here’s $30.”
Gerard puffs up his chest, takes charge and calls for a Bro-Huddle “c’mon c’mon c’mon.” (He reminds me of that squirt Joe Pesci.) A twin agrees that if they’re gonna follow anyway, may as well get their money and maybe a favor later. SpyGuys are in the BroAlliance for the duration of the train ride. Woo!
TAR producers finally find a reason to use helicopter footage and we get a 10 second overhead view of cars on a road. One car makes a daring move of overtaking while going around a bend. It’s the Shmalliance’s cab. Lord A exults that there’s a good chance that although they were last to get going today (by a half hour) they’re not gonna be last to arrive at Cabo de Roca. JV&J in their cab note the awesomeness of where they are, which is fine, but the moment is spoiled somewhat when they express the hope that they’re the first to get here.
FloZach at Cascais Station. It’s their turn to stupidly leap from the train yelling Taxi! Every episode somebody de-trains and yells “taxi.” Are roads that close to trains? I mean ever? Taxis are always outside the train station on the road.
Shmalliance at the Detour. Airon counts the clues and looks smug but saves his comments for later. Airianne rips with a flourish, thereby unleashing the Mighty Phil to do his bit. Ropes or Slopes calls for teams to get to the next route marker by 1. taking a shuttle bus to the top of Ursa Cliffs and rappeling down to the shoreline, the “fast but scary way” or by 2. hiking the “long physically tiring” way that might take a while.
Shmalliance & JV&J choose Ropes. JV&J shuttle up to the clifftop, Jill oozing excitement at how scary it will be. She chose that moment to stick her hand right in JV’s crotch. “Wooh!” Coincidence? I hope not! He made a weird look. “Wooh!”
Airianne is first to rappel. Airon calls out ‘Arianne I love you’ and she calls back ‘I love you.’ After all their bitchiness I think it’s too late to work up a love-vibe around these two. Blech. Aaron is wearing a head cam. Turn away if you’ve a weak stomach. I know I’m not ready for his close up. Double Blech!!
FloZach arrive. The real treats are about to begin. Flo notes that the cliff is really steep (it’s 300’) and she doesn’t want to rappel because it’s all like that and she doesn’t know how. Airon is encouraging Airianne- “You got it girl!” What, no “wooh?” He says he is scared. She is “woohing” her way down. Oh good, all’s right with the world. No experience is complete without a “wooh” from at least one but preferably both teammembers.
MMM is actually unbelievably saying to K “you wanna rappel?” OMG - he’s considering the scary option? Terriers are going to rappel. Their clue-reading informs us that two teams rappel at the same time, which explains why we see a player from one team beside a player from another team, and not both players from the same team going together.
It’s 4pm and 6-man SpyGuyBroAlliance is at Cascais. They look forlorn standing at a deserted taxi stand. Team Info Emergency hooked up with the wrong teams this week.
Back at the Cliffs, JohnVito is down before Aaron, whose rope is caught. Jill says again that it is scary. Aaron’s rope is still caught, but unfortunately not around his neck.
MMMichael explains that he can’t keep taking the coward’s way out of all these roadblocks, it’s time to go over the cliff. WOO!
Lord Airhead makes it to the bottom and the dimbot kisses the rock. He mouths “motherf*cker”, which the Sound Guys blank out but the Visual Guys leave in. Instructions are to choose a marked car and drive 250 miles to Algeciras Spain, then ferry to Tangier, Morocco. Jill woohs, Airon says he “knew it.” You hoped more like it. With any luck he & Airianne can score some hash and forget to continue in the Race.
Flo is channeling Parachute Eve, doing the “what happens if” routine. What happens if I get detached, what happens if I slip what happens if I fall? Maybe you’ll get some sense knocked into you. Zack is laughing at how she’ll freak out when she realizes how hight and how steep it is. D*ckwad. Flo is in her harness, babbling the while. Not keen on this is Flo. “Is this a joke?” she asks. Weird dramatic music. Mrs. Terrier does a “what if this comes undone?” You fall, says Instructor Guy. Flo is crying a bit. Of course break now for station identification.
Flo goes over the edge, literally. Michael is to go next, so he’s standing there trying to talk her through it. Er, Michael? Where is Zack? Flo goes over the edge figuratively, she can’t feel the next rock underfoot, and she’s hysterical. waah, Waah WAAH I CAN’T DO THIS. LET ME BACK UP WAAAH. Genuine Total Fear. Hard to laugh. Hard not to. Impossible to turn away. Emotional Trainwreck. I rewatched twice. For my Recap. ;)
Now Zack is kinda pissed off cuz Flo is crying like a 5 year old and refusing to do the rappel. She is clambering back up and it’s the hike for these two. “Let’s go have a walk, you made a great effort,” Zack tells Flo. She’s shaky like leaves. So am I. As FloZac leave to do the walk, Ian sticks out his hand to shake Zach’s, but Zack ignores him. Unfazed, Ian tells the camera man that this is where “we” can get ahead. Annoy-O-Meter clicks.
BroAlliance arrives. All rappel. The guide tells Ian that rappelling is very easy. Ian knows. A-O-M click. Kathy says it was cool to see Mike doing something scary. He hurt his hand but he says it “aint no thing” he’s just worried about his girl - awww - aint love grand! Ian bounces down like he’s done it before. He’s still a major pissant so I’m not cheering for him. A-O-M click
Zach V-O Drs that he wanted to make sure Flo was okay. She looked dry, so I don’t think she pissed her pants with fear. The walk was gruelling and a bit of a pain. When Kathy gets done MMM gives her a kiss - AW. Teri gets stuck, so Ian screeches - so what else is new? A-O-M click, She shrieks at him to shut up then when she is down she shrieks that she made it. Ian the Pissant says “2 teams ahead of us, we gotta move.” A-O-M click.
Gerard is starting down the rappel, and says “Ken I luv ya, but if you don’t do this, I’m gonna kick yer ass.” A-O-M click. Hey, whoever is annoying, alright? Derek & Drew, in last place as they decide to rappel, are very subdued. Perhaps they should re-think the alliance with Dictator For Life Gerard. Andre & Damon are even ahead of them. Damon says he’s rappeled for the fire department, and indeed he’s down in a jiff. A piece of cake. Damon: “that was sweet.”
Flo & Zack find their clue, so it wasn’t THAT big of a walk, but they probably yakked the whole time about life and danger and what some kid did to her when she was 6 that made her so afraid of heights, and the walk just flew by. She looks a little unsteady standing on the large pebbles near the clue box.
Gerard is on the ground calling up to Ken “Just pretend there’s a dozen glazed donuts at the bottom.” Wheee - Pieces of cake! - look at Ken fly down the cliff! Flo calls up - Go Kenny! He even beats Cop Andre, who lacks the practice Damon has had.
Back to the Airheads, all happy cuz 12 hours ago they thought they were eliminated. Don’t remind me, I was happy then.
JV&J driving to Algeciras to ferry across the Mediterranean to Tangier Morocco. Michael driving for MMMK, saying today was not bad - he’s seen worse days on the race. Lovely shots of the sunset and some gorgeous Spanish classical guitar. Nice.
Gas station time. Airheads are first to speak of stopping for gas. Airon pats the steering wheel and says, “This little baby, she needs a nice batch of unleaded.” uh-oh. Did you ask her? Duh Duh Duhhhh. It’s Walk to the Pit Stop all over again.
Damon is refuelling and notices it says ‘DIESEL” inside the fuel tank cover. Okay, he gets diesel. Wow, how simple was that? JV &Jill-o stop for gas, and JohnVito also notices the word Diesel . Alright - they’ll get diesel. hum diddle diddle dee. I don’t hate these teams nearly enough to begrudge them getting this right - give ‘em a round of applause!
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