Yes, you heard right. Over and over again tonight, we’ll hear how Fabrice comes out with a shocking announcement. Or a surprising announcement. Does Fabrice tell Jen and the rest of the world that he’s gay? Does he proclaim his love for Jerry and vow not to lose him without a fight? Or we all be disappointed by another overpromised, undelivered Bachelorette Rose Ceremony moment. Sorry, but you’ll have to read the rest of this summary to find out. (Hint – you can scroll down to the end, if you prefer.)

How to Make a Man Squirm

Lesson 1: Make him write a letter. Require him to express feelings in said letter.

The bachelors must write love letters to Jen. She will read each letter, pick the two she likes best, and the men who wrote those letters will get private dates. The bachelors can’t sign their name or provide any clues about their identity. They are also prohibited from writing with a French accent, or using words like Louvre or Chambord! Ben is excited about the task because letter writing plays to his strengths. Wendell and Jerry are worried – they aren’t very good at writing letters. Later, Jen has decided and leaves the first private date invitation on the guy’s doorstep. I wonder if she put it there, rang the doorbell and ran away. I’m enjoying the mental image of such a scene. Wendell retrieves the invitation and begins to read the winning letter out loud. It sounds like something retrieved from the trash at Hallmark’s new employee training center. Ryan recognizes the letter as his own and is the first winner. But what will the date entail? Fortunately, Jen’s image appears on their big screen TV. She’s wearing a FDNY tank top, and tells the camera that for this one-on-one date, they’ll be hanging out with firemen. Now there’s my idea of a great date – hanging around with a bunch of national folk heroes! As Jen is en route to pick up Ryan, she tells us she didn’t know who wrote the letters. Across America, all but three viewers are saying to themselves “Yeah, right”. Anyway, she was excited to “discover” that Ryan was the first letter’s author.

Jen and Ryan arrive at the fire department and get to ride on a fire truck. Apparently, they are on their way to an emergency call because the sirens are blazing. Naturally, this strikes Jen as the perfect time to ask about his fatherhood timeline. Ryan tells her he wants kids sooner rather than later - he doesn’t want to be a super old dad. He wouldn’t want to wait until he was 40. 40? Super old? *boggle*

Luckily, the couple manages to escape with their lives and wind up safely at Jen’s apartment – another job well done by the FDNY! Ryan and Jen are having takeout, and now Jen admits she sort of had a hunch who the letters were authored by, as she knows the men well enough to identify their writing styles. This comes as quite a shock to those of us in the viewing audience, given that just 10 minutes ago, she had no idea whose letters she was picking! After dinner, the producers have decided to slip in the Obligatory Hot Tub Scene. Mild kissing ensues.

Back at the bachelor house, the next date package arrives, featuring Jerry’s love letter. Fabrice reads it aloud and later proclaims it to be total crap. Of course he says crappe. For their date, Jen and Jerry take in a private concert. Jen suspected she was picking Jerry’s letter, and is glad she was right because she has a crush on him and wants to find out if there’s something more. They have meaningful conversation that goes something like this:

“I like you.”
“Are you flirting with me?”
“Yes!”
“Do I make you nervous? You make me nervous.”

A man with a smooth-as-silk voice comes out to sing to them. I don’t recognize him, which means two things. First, he’s an artist who has become popular sometime in the last 20 years, and second, he’s not a former American Idol contestant, unless he was part of their first season. Jen knows who it is apparently, but I couldn’t understand the name, even though I replayed the scene several times. If I weren’t so lazy, I’d get up and turn on the closed-caption, but, well, I’m lazy! Oh well, couldn’t have been too important. Jen and Jerry dance together and let’s just say I don’t think they’ll be doing much dancing as a couple. Jerry hopes it’s the last first date hell ever have.

Up next, Jen takes the remaining four guys on a group date to Little Italy. They’ll make pizza and get to know each other – I think she wants to see how they are at making dough! Ben hasn’t had any one-on-one time with Jen yet, so is eager to steal away to the kitchen with her. It is there that Jen discovers Ben is kneady. Sorry, I just couldn’t resist a couple of easy puns. Ben and Jen talk about possible hometown dates. How would Ben feel about taking her home to mama? Ben says it would be good, but it’s a little soon and it would be a strange first date. Next Jen talks alone with Fabrice. He tells her he’s freaked out right now and she asks him to keep an open mind – as in maybe girls aren’t so bad after all. Jen can’t figure out Fabrice as she sees a different version of him every time they are together. At this point, Chris comes in to break up the party to announce The Bachelorette’s version of The Amazing Race. A limo is there to take Jen to the top of the Empire State building. The first man to meet her there gets alone time. Chris takes away all their wallets and money. I am secretly hoping they all get there and find a sign saying: Empire State Building, Hours: 9am-6pm!

The men all scramble out of the building and take off running in all directions – with one notable exception – Fabrice is strolling quite leisurely. John Paul stops to ask two men for help, but they turn him down when they find out there is no compensation available. Wendell has a proposition for the cabbie. He gives the driver the phone number for his office in Chicago and tells the driver if he calls to explain the situation, they will send him a check for $300. John Paul gets into a cab – looks like he’ll get a free ride. Ben charms a cabbie with the tale of his quest for true love – his plea earns a free ride.

Fabrice walks home. Jen knows he likes her – why play games? Good thinking Fabrice. That’ll impress her. The other three men appear to get there together, but Wendell arrives first. Jen tells us that Wendell is easy to talk to and makes her laugh, which sounds like the kiss of death to me. It’s the only kiss Wendell is destined to get tonight.

Back to the men’s place for the Rose ceremony elimination party. Shockingly, Jen was not impressed with Fabrice’s decision to bow out of the race. Ben corners her to tell her he doesn’t know her well, but felt raw emotion last night. He ran as hard as he could and not for the view. His biggest regret would be not getting to know her. Next she meets with Jerry for small talk. He’s sure he’ll get a rose. She asks if he would take her home to meet family at this point. He says he hasn’t done that in a long time and it would be a little weird. Jen thinks she rattled Jerry, who didn’t seem to understand that hometown dates are the next step, not just some crazy idea of Jen’s. Later, Jerry reflects that he may have screwed up.

Chris, the party-pooper, comes out to break things up because it’s Rose time. He tells the gentlemen that this time Jen has only four roses to offer the five men and Fabrice. Therefore, Jen will have to select one other guy besides Fabrice to kick to the curb. Of course, the excitement will have to wait until after the next commercial break so that voice over guy can tease us with:

Next up - Fabrice comes out with an unexpected announcement Again, specifically using the phrase “comes out”. This is going to be fun! Did he play her intentionally? Did she drive him to homosexuality? We’ll find out after the commercial.

Back for the Rose Ceremony. As Jen prepares to pass out the flowers, Fabrice interrupts her to make a dramatic announcement. He steps forward and tells Jen he doesn’t feel passion between them and it will never be there. Is this the shocking part? He doesn’t want to marry her and thinks he should leave now. Maybe that’s the shocking part – he’s leaving right now! Jen is trying to maintain her composure, but looks like she will burst out in laughter. Privately, Fabrice tells the camera Jen is not the right woman for him, but stops short of blaming their lack of chemistry on her lack of a penis.

All in all, I’m disappointed by the announcement. I feel played.

Rose time, and everyone but Ben is offered one – Ryan, Jerry, Wendell, and John Paul in that order, and they kiss her on the left cheek, left cheek, left cheek, and right cheek, respectively.

Ben says his goodbyes – and tells us that love takes time and he regrets not really getting to know Jane –er, Joan – er, Jen. It just wasn’t fated. Jen confirms that they didn’t get to know each other. She also congratulates Fabrice on his foresight, as he definitely was not getting a rose!

Next week on The Bachelor – well since next week’s episode aired more than a week ago, I suggest you check out sorgee’s summary, here! Thanks for reading, and be sure to come back here, to Reality TV World, for the best in snarky Bachelorette commentary.

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