LAST EDITED ON 11-09-09 AT 10:54 AM (EST)

Of course, a "Confession" is a new drink I'm going to invent right now. Let's see, a glass of Rum mixed with a drop of pineapple juice and a cup of Tequila and some other stuff. And some ice.

Losers...it's time for Letters to Mom.

We don't want to unnecessarily alarm the home folks, but we have to be honest (sort of – keep in mind that we don’t want to go to the loser Island Jail), and we don't want to give them enough info to allow the authorities to track us down. Obviously we can't call them either, GPS tracking and all that. Anyway, we all would feel better if we ‘fessed-up to our transgressions. I’ve been a bad boy so I'm going to do my duty.

Dear Mom.

Good news, I haven't been in jail. Unless "Stalag" means "jail". I was in one of those for a while, but I was just hanging out with the cool kids and the EPMB got mad. I think maybe we exceeded our alcohol budget, or maybe we actually had too much fun. Because we do have most of the fun herebouts.

It all started when I found the Loser Lodge on Loser Island. I was just in the right place at the right time, and now I have the bestest friends in the whole world. I fell in with a swell bunch of people. I have been at here for the last few weeks, and I guess it's about time I wrote to tell you what I've been doing since I had to leave town. I know you didn't want to see me go, but Sugar Pants Sally's Dad was trying to find me, and I figured that that was one explanation that I might not live thru.

So I took a Greyhound to LA, was discovered at a Sunset Strip bar by the producers of Survivor (apparently I am what they were looking for), I got bounced from the island because I'm basically clueless, and found myself on Loser Island. So you see, I was almost a star, like Yauman. Or Lillian! Or even Rupert. Yeah, I know, he’s your favorite.

They have taken care of me, made sure I brushed my teeth and cleaned behind my ears, and they have seen to my education. The lessons I've learned might not be what I would have learned in school. Now I know how to judge a strip-off contest, a big Oobies contest, a thong contest, a thong-off contest, a thong half-off contest (it's amazing what people can do with thongs these days), naked volleyball games, and all kinds of drinking contests. And I've heard just the best stories in the world, and you know what? Sometimes I've told a story too! Yeah..really! I think the audience was asleep or drunk, but they didn't boo me even one time. Well, Moley booed once, but he was just snoring (sometimes he takes a nap after his noonday pitchers - OK, bucketfulls - of Margueritas) and it sounded like booing.

And Music! We sing every day. Agman does his armpit thing, Kermie dances on the bongos, Jazzy playes her sex Sax and we all just make up the best songs. We have a PG filter so I can't tell you what we sing or what we do while we are singing, but I can tell you it's fun and educational.

I have a beach bungalow and friends that come to visit all the time. And I have a job as Cabana Boy at the lodge. But I’ve been meaning to ask you, What is a Cougar? We have some of those here, and they are the nicest girls, they always want to do snuggle bunny things with me.

More later, I promise to write again. .

Your favorite guppy,
Kingfish.

Now I feel better. I’m pouring drinks, and I think we should begin thinking about our afternoon activity. Lewd sand sculptures anyone? Body painting? Coconut tree climbing races? Monkey mime contests?

For those of you interested in points accumulation and competions, Suzzee is about to present you with the latest point status, and the best contests yet.

Kudos for last week's stellar contest and all entries.