LAST EDITED ON 01-20-05 AT 00:57 AM (EST)

I know your intentions are good, so Lord please don’t let me be misunderstood…

That seems to be the theme for Jen’s script. Of course not being an actress it becomes painfully apparent that the few lines they gave her about being herself will continue to reappear again and again in variations that only true Bachelorette fans will recognize.

We begin when Chris “Clone-bot” Harrison arrives at the boy’s townhouse to tell them who is going on the first group date. The invitation is to Ryan, New York, aka “the black guy”, Fabrice, Ben, Jerry, Michael, A.W. and Jason.

Jen arrives in a double decker bus to take her dates for a tour of Manhattan. She is greeted at the door by a shirtless Josh. Her narration tells us that while he is attractive she is also offended by it. Perhaps she thought of it as gratuitous, if she knew what that word meant.

To that I say, so what bring it on. We at home stuck watching this need any and all attempts at gratuitous semi-nudity (all of course within FCC guidelines).

Meanwhile back on the bus, Ryan (aka the black guy) thinks this is good opportunity as this is his town and he can really show his stuff. This is all pointless as he is black and will not go further than this episode but valiant nonetheless.

Jen takes the boys after the whirlwind tour to a boat where they cruise the harbor. Jason takes a moment to ask her about her failed relationship with Andrew Firestone. Remember Andrew? Well of course we do and we will never forget nor anyone else given the fact that they courted, dated and broke up in the national media. At least she will have some nice publicity stills and professional copy to show the grandkids about their not quite really possible grandpa.

Once again she reiterates what she has already said in episode one last week that she had moved to a new city, given up her job and changed her life and that with all the travel and little time they had as a couple she felt it wasn’t as appreciated as she would have liked. This leaves the entrance for the bachelor contestants to of course promise fealty and appreciation should she ever enter their lives.

And you wonder why Brad and another Jen broke up. The endless questions, the harassment, the speculation, the actual need to speak to one another between the travel and looking good. It takes a toll my friends, a toll.

Jen once again goes back on script and repeats all those qualifications that she mentioned also in episode one about a man who appreciates, has a sense of humor, is stable, blah blah blah. Got to admire a girl who stays on script.

Fabrice uses this opportunity to express his love of Chicago and how he loves America and the opportunity to be here but he is different. Yes we know…. But instead he explains that he is different from Americans as he is French. Yes we know but what about the gay rumors? But instead he explains that French men are emotional and are unafraid of speaking and sharing their emotions and feelings. Yes but what about the Gay rumors? Or the fact that Fabrice is also a media whore from France.

Jen narrates that Fabrice seems to have so much going on that he perplexes her. Yes I imagine that accent is confusing and he is French and all that. Those crazy foreigners!

As we cut to commercial, the scriptwriters have a new surprise. A new line for the Clone-bot Harrison. Yes kiddies, “the most dramatic rose ceremony ever” is gone; instead the line is now the “biggest cuts in rose ceremony history”. Glad to see the script writers have given something new for the Clone-bot, I hope it wasn’t too difficult for him to remember. They are full out busy with giving Jen dialogue. I wonder if in a few years the History Channel will be compelled to do a documentary about the Rose ceremony and its place in reality history.

This is followed ironically by a commercial for Phantom of the Opera. I see so many parallels there… the virgin being seduced by a virgin or a man in mask with a disfigured face. A metaphor for our Miss Jen perhaps or some type of subliminal message about Jason and Josh.? Hmmm….

We return to the boat where Ryan is asking Jen why her past relationships failed and is she into interracial dating? Well let me answer those…they failed because of the endless interrogations and well NO! Of course Jen just provides a vague answer as she has no script available and as for the interracial question…..well the answer to that my friend will lie in the “biggest cuts in rose ceremony history”

Michael is up for his one on one and while his father may have known her father he obviously didn’t know him well enough to get a heads up about our Miss Jen and her discomfort about animals. (Those with amazing recall or no lives should remember her fear of dogs at the Firestone compound) And I am sure that the fear would also include men who sleep with dogs – the four legged kind. Michael regales her with his wonderful sleeping/cuddling habit of “wrapping” himself around his dog… the sexual innuendo is apparent and frankly disturbing. And George Bush is worried about Gay marriage?

Jason shares he is a mama’s boy (he’s holding that virgin trump card for later) while A.W. asks “do I look like Andrew Firestone?” Things aren’t going well my friends.

Jerry continues on course of keeping Jen literally and figuratively swept off her feet by asking her for a dance. They do a poor Fred and Ginger but at least he doesn’t carry her anywhere.

Meanwhile back at Testosterone Lodge the boys receive the next video invite. It’s for Keith and his “first impression” date.

Stu – you know the STALKER, expresses sadness that it wasn’t he who was chosen as he is in LOVE with her. He is devastated (his words) and you know this is going to be the “biggest cut in rose ceremony history”.

Meanwhile back on the boat, Fabrice is speaking French to Jen. The words translate into something like, “you are beautiful and I am not gay” but Jen tells us that in French it sounded beautiful but in American it was lame and cheesy. So what does it mean in English?

Jen is exhausted, this is stressful it is tough to choose. So you say, this is only 15 minutes in and I am ready to pack it in.

We return from the commercial to pick up Jen and Keith as they go on their one on one. She picks him up in horse drawn carriage which they ride through Central Park to the Plaza Hotel for dinner. She is worried as this was her friend’s choice and she spent no time with him and wonders if they will have anything in common. Interesting as she was relying on her friends to help her in the decision making but apparently oh well they are gone now so screw them they could be just sabotaging her and her future husband!!!

Keith is not only a welder but an artist. Of course when inquired about the type of “art” he does, he stops short of saying he’s the next Keith Haring but has no real specifics. So it appears that maybe art was confined to the last classroom he was in or the fact that the scriptwriters/producers felt that welder was just a little too blue collar in that CBS sitcom not ABC Bachelor kind of way.

Aside from this our Miss Jen seems bored or is that boring and she is worried that as a result she is not being herself. So far this date is nothing but small talk and no spark and maybe that is because she is not relaxed enough. Or maybe it’s because well you aren’t the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Keith wishes it was Jen and not her friends who picked him. Well who wouldn’t? Those friends were the Nicole to her Paris, you know the pretty girl with the fugly friend. When the one and only ugly bachelor hits on them out of 25 men you know they aren’t competing with our perky Jen.

She then tells him the standard, “you are special” and everything seems right in the world. I hope the scriptwriters get an Emmy nomination next year.

Meanwhile back at the lodge the next date invite arrives. Matt, Wendell, Stu, John Paul, Ryan, Josh and Mark are invited to the Knicks game.

They drool over the invite and pause the tape on Jen in her Knicks shirt admiring her long legs. Whatever they are drinking hand me two – the girl is barely 5 feet tall, how long could those legs be?

As Keith and Jen’s date continue they go upstairs to a suite. Wow already the suite action, but this is where Jen wants to get “real”. Hey isn’t that her new single, “Get Real” – oh wait wrong Jen…. Anyway Jen is worried that she is not being herself and the weight of having to eject 7 guys is weighing down on those tiny legs and Wonderbra enhanced shoulders. Keith offers to help – “what can I do to make this better?” “I just want to help you.” Instead of telling him to take out Stu just in case things don’t go well after the “biggest cuts in rose ceremony history” she just thanks him for listening and letting her be herself. Who or what that is still is a mystery as all she seems to do is repeat the same lines over and over – maybe Keith needs to find her a better scriptwriter with a thesaurus.

Jen thinks as a result of that meaningless exchange they have made a bond. If that is what defines a bond I am apparently bonded to my UPS guy.

The commercial thankfully comes and it’s for Ditropan. How fortuitous I do need to go to the bathroom.

We return once again to Jen reminding us as she reminds herself that she just has to be “herself”. OKAY already we get it.

It is also ironic that she chose for her mantra the need to “be herself”. I am not sure how much of herself is in fact her. From her first appearance on the Bachelor it seems that Jen’s boobage has sprouted, her mole is gone and she is wearing enough makeup to make Harvey Firestein jealous.

The next group date begins and they are off to the Knicks game. Stu immediately goes in for the jump shot... whoops I mean alone time. As he is both an attorney and stalker he grills her as if she is in a deposition to find out all her “wants” “likes” and “needs”. It’s important to Stu that he knows everything about his future wife/life partner/victim in the first few moments so he can then eradicate a shrine to her in a closet or secret room as most of these types do.

We see her confessional as she says that some of these guys are just too intense and scare her as they seem so into her already and she just wants them to be “normal.” (The scriptwriters have to be working overtime on her dialogue)

Meanwhile Stu is still talking as if he is giving his closing statements to the jury. Jen seems well Jen... blank.

Back at Testosterone Lodge we see the men discussing who will likely stay or go. Fabrice thinks it Stu because he is a “freeek” (that is French for freak) and he will be shocked if she picks Josh as he is “stoopid”

Meanwhile back on the date Jen is on her one on one moment with Matt the trusty member of the NYFD and resident marble talker. And all I can say is thank God words are not a prerequisite to saving one’s home or life. He is awkward, stiff and barely articulate but he manages a type of “me attracted to you, you nice person” sentence out.

Wendell comes in and in a down home way finds it ironic that he had to come here to NY to meet a girl from his home town. He thinks having the right woman to get together and “kick a.ss” and hang at the lake house is important. He admits that he has a crush on Jen and gets butterflies and thinks she does too when they see each other. (This is this writers’ choice for the winner – he seems malleable enough as the women seem to like that kind)

Jen believes her husband is among those guys. Yes thanks we thought that too but then we thought that when you hooked up with Andrew. And no one wants to see a two time loser but then again here we are.

At the TL boys are being boys and a neighbor complains first by shouting out his window then coming to pound on the door. Keith is all posturing and threatening and in obvious foreshadowing mentions how he wants to take that guy out. Well he was fat and wearing a wife beater so how hard could that be? But watch for Keith’s ultimate display of manly meltdown in the next episode.

The Bachelorette then turns into an episode of Cops when the NYPD arrive and threaten to “arrest everyone if they have to come back.” I was kind of hoping Sipowitz would show in a sort of ABC style cross promotion but instead it was just the uniforms and wow do they know how to handle a group or rowdy, drunk, horny men with one threat!!

Upon the boys return from the game Josh is told of Fabrice’s prediction and confronts him. Stu says nothing as he is still dwelling in the aura of his future wife/victim, that or he is on some type of medication, but Josh tells Fabrice that “he doesn’t know the depths of him”. Josh confesses to us that he is a warrior and that Jen needs both a warrior and a lover and that is his legacy. Okay so we get you are the warrior, who exactly is going to be the lover? Aren’t you a virgin?

Thankfully it is now the evening of the Rose Ceremony. It’s their last chance. First up… Stu, the Stalker.

Stu tells her that he believes she is completely in love with him as he is with her. Wow, Jen thanks Stu in her perky farm house way and says nothing to him about how NUTS he sounds… and by the way what is your law firm’s name? We won’t be using them in the future.

Jason confesses to her that he is a virgin and is saving that for the right person or whatever. However, it means one of two things: Religious kook or confused about his sexuality. Once that little gem is spilled you know this guy is a goner.

Jen narrates that she appreciated his honesty but that it threw her that his commitment to his virginity may be an example of how stringent he lives his life and that is not for her. Bye – maybe you and Stu could get together later and he can give you some of those mood equalizers he appears to be on.

Matt is up again and once again the expression “cat got your tongue” does not suffice. He tells her that he had never been to the Knicks before and going with her was a once in a lifetime experience and wants her to sign and kiss his ticket as a permanent memento of this legendary moment. Wow, just WOW to that sad display.

Jen thinks this is odd as he sees her as a celebrity and not someone who is an individual looking for love. Yes dear everyone is there for the right reasons… if you believe that you will believe that Fabrice is NOT GAY or even French for that matter.

John Paul. He tells her that he works hard now at 25 so he can have family and fully support them well and he is ready for that addition to his life. This guy is just too used car salesman for me but whatever this isn’t about me… or is it?

Jen is unsure about his age but likes his values and commitment but doesn’t think he is ready at 25 to settle down.

Mark comes in and gives her a Guardian Angel necklace similar to the one he wears. The one he wears was the one worn by his dead mother as the one he wore is actually right now being worn by his dead mother. Got that? Good because I am not repeating it.

Jen is touched by the sentiment but is put off by the intense gesture of giving her such a personal gift worn by the dead mother. Such pressure!!!!

As we cut away to commercial… Clone-bot reminds us that one of these men are Mr. Right and she is hopeful but soon the “biggest cut in rose ceremony history” is coming and who will be chosen or who will be crushed by rejection (or by the angry neighbor across the street).

The Rose Ceremony starts upon return from the commercial. Thankfully we are spared the faux psychoanalysis therapy sessions with the Clone-bot that are usually coupled with the boring narration as they longingly handle the photos. Instead Jen narrates that finding love is difficult and it will be even more difficult to cut these men as they are all wonderful, not just all wonderful for her. On second thought I would prefer the faux therapy sessions.

We return and Clone reminds us that this is the 2nd Rose Ceremony and she has only 8 roses. Just in case anyone lost count or forgot thank God Chris is good with the primary numbers. Hate to think what would happen if they ever reached double digits! And he thanks them for getting to know Jen over this past week.

Exactly how did they know her? 4 to 5 hours in a mass date? Yes it’s amazing the depths of intimacy one can reach in such a short time with that amount of people in a public place, much like a Moonie wedding.

Jen goes on about finding the right man…yada yada yada… IT’S SHOWTIME. There is noticeably no final offer of walking if you think Jen isn’t right for you. Wow if they take away another of Clone-bot’s duties soon he will be superfluous.

First up: Wendell… “Will you take this rose?” Uh duh….Then Fabrice who runs GAILY up and takes the rose skipping back to the men. Love him or leave him I can’t wait to see him in Paris.

Number 3: Ben. 4: Keith. 5. Ryan (the white one who by the way we NEVER saw her speak to at any point, so go figure). 6: Jerry. 7: John Paul.

The final rose: Josh (he wisely avoided telling her about that whole virgin thing, so not so “stoopid”)

Bye bye to Matt/Mark/Black Ryan/A.W./Stu/Michael and Jason

Stu took it like a man who will later return with a pistol but apparently love not so big of deal when you don’t know if she prefers vanilla or chocolate ice cream.

Matt, sad but left with a consolation prize of his souvenir ticket. Watch for it on E-bay.

Michael said no hard feelings and she could keep the teddy bear. Gosh thanks. Watch for it on E-bay. During the credits we did get to see Michael pose in a stupid Hulk like montage that explains why he was cut or at least confirms for us that he needed to be.

Jason thought his virginity may have been a factor. Ya think!?!

Ryan, I have no idea what he said as I find him incredibly hot so I was just looking at him.

Thus ends another day or week in the life of our plucky Midwestern girl fresh from her search for Mr. Right or Mr. Second Best.

Previews for next week include such delights as shirtless manly men basketball and it turns aggressive. Shirtless and aggressive… aren’t those qualities that our Miss Jen find distasteful? Well exceptions are always made as it appears that basketball is the American way of dueling for love…and Fabrice well he is there and in case anyone forgets – he’s FRENCH you know and he can teach the Americans the French way of amour. That is if he is in fact both straight and French.