***CBS WARNING AND DISCLAIMER***

***Please do not view the following Survivor Episode if any of the following acts, statements or events annoy you to the point where you want to hurl live domestic cats through the screen of your 35" TV:

1. Editing that is more concerned with misleading the audience than telling a concise and coherent story.

2. The phrases “Oh My GOD!” or “OHHH My God!” or “OH MY GAWD!”

3. Having to watch people pray on prime-time TV.

4. Genocide on fish.

5. Challenges that are about as exciting as loose-leaf paper.

6. Jerri.

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Previously on.................................SURVIVOR:

Oh you know what, go read my last summary if you really care that much. Let’s just get right to the show and the question that is burning on the minds of millions of Americans.....once mortally wounded, how long does it take for a tribe to officially die in the Outback? And the survey says.......about 4 more episodes.

DAY 22: Bare-A-Midriff Tribe

As morning dawns on Tribe Barely-Moving, Kentucky Joe and Chocolat Chyna sit around the campfire and reminisce about their fallen comrades of the soon to be extinct Kucha tribe....

KJ: “You know for the rest of my life, every time I fall face first into a flaming pit of fire, I won’t be able to help but think of Mike”

CC: “That’s funny cause whenever I think of flaming pits of fire, my thoughts turn to Vermin”

KJ: “Yeah I can see that...and you know what else is weird, for the rest of our lives whenever we hear a story about some beast-woman w/ bad eyeliner having sex with her own children, our thoughts will invariably turn to our old friend, Debb.”

CC: “Wow, that is odd. But, here’s the oddest. Every time, and I mean every time I think of a million dollars, all I see is Kimmi.”

So, after that stimulating conversation Kentucky Joe goes fishing down at
Tribe Beer-And-Sundries favorite fishing hole where he proceeds to catch about 76 fish in 3 and a half minutes.....I swear to god that in 3 minutes the guy handled more fish than David did in a whole season on Real World/Seattle....it was THAT ridiculous. Geez, between drugging pigs and stocking the ponds it’s a wonder that Burn-it even has time to come up with the amazing and creative Immunity Challenges that he does, but we’ll open up that can of worms a little later on.

So anyway, Kentucky Joe talks about what happened at last night’s Tribal Council, “I just felt like we got outwitted by Ogakore. Kucha’s tribe can be picked off very easy...we can be an extinct tribe. To me its one on one and every man for themself from here on out.” Actually KJ, hate to burst your bubble, but its more like one on five. KJ also lets us know that his strategy from here on out is to be the guy who brings home the bacon for
Tribe Clearly-Hungry since after all, this strategy worked brilliantly for Kel (who?) and Psycho-Michael.

Alright everybody, get out your office-pool sheet cause we have ourselves a winner.....6:27 into Episode #8 is the correct answer to the question, “When will the black guy finally open his mouth this season?” And what did he say you ask...did he finally reveal his strategy? Or did he go off on Scerri for being such a b!tch? Or maybe he told another great joke about chicken? Actually, it went like this, “Wow, look at that crocodile, we probably shouldn’t go into the water.” And that was about it...thanks for playing, you’ve been a big part of this game.

Cut to an interview with Chocolat who is explaining the obvious, that being that Kucha is completely screwed. Chocolat accepts her fate and tries to take solace in the fact that although no one from Kucha will win the million (images of Kimmi suddenly appear), they will have 4 people on the jury and therefore be the deciding factor in which Ogawhore member DOES get the mil. “They better start stepping up and being really nice to us,” she says.

Immediately cut to Kant-Kook-Keith trying to shove his nose 6 inches up Kentucky Joe’s ass as the two of them fish, “I feel like I’m on a fishing trip with you, like you’re my older brother and you’re taking me fishing.” Pretty sneaky sis, let him know that you think of him as a brother so later on he’ll remember that when he’s deciding who to give the million to.

Then we get a few shots of Lamber and the Colbster playing backgammon and talking about how stupid Kucha is....”We clearly outplayed them,” says the Colbster as he is clearly outplaying Lamber in backgammon..but give her some credit, at least she has appeared to have finally figure out that you can’t eat the game pieces.

Then we see KKK in an interview, “Kucha knows what were doing, they are really nice people which really makes it harder...as it gets toward the end you start questioning, gee I like some of these people better than some of the people on my own team.” Is this some patented Burn-it foreshadowing???? Does this mean Scerri is gonna get the boot??? Or could this be yet another example of Burn-it’s mis-directional editing, you know, the one where the only rule that applies is that no matter what you see in the first 58 minutes of the show, the opposite is gonna happen at Tribal Council. With that in mind, I refuse to get my hopes up no matter what Burn-it tries to shove down my throat during the next hour.

Now another shot of KKK and Kentucky Joe a the fishing hole. Says KJ, “I’d venture to say that someone in your group is gonna be a millionaire.” To which KKK lies, “Rodger don’t county yourself out my friend.”

Benedict Tina is trying similar tactics with Lizliz as the two discuss what a great guy Kentucky Joe is. Says Tina in an interview, “as time goes by you might find out that there’s people that are more deserving (quick shot of Lizliz) than the ones on your team....I want this to be on an individual basis and I want the good guys to win.” Burn-it, the clever one, then gives us a segue to Scerri, who is in the process of smashing stuff with an axe.

Says Scerri, “Today is really weird, I feel a lot of distance between myself and the rest of the Tribe.” In the foreground of the scene are several boomerangs that shouldn’t be there for another day or two so we know that Burn-it is up to his editing tricks all over again. She continues, “The paranoia is setting in again (I guess those rumors about all the pot smoking in the Outback were true)..were in a situation where KKK and BT could team up with the KuchaKids...we can’t get complacent cause your back can be stabbed quicker than I can exchange sexual favors for an acting job.”

Let’s see what else happened on this extremely boring and predictable show...oh yeah, Scerri gave someone sh!t about the rice...this time the target is Lizliz and Chyna. I guess KKK isn’t the only person who can’t cook rice cause Scerri and her faithful lapdog Lamber have more than their fair share of criticism to offer up on the subject. Lizliz replies in an interview, “Don’t tell me what I’m supposed to be doing when I’m making YOU dinner, don’t don’t do it. BT not so subtly puts Scerri in her place as Tribe Clearly-Hungry gathers around the fire for dinner, “I try to stay away from cooking so I don’t have tp be judged,” she says as Scerri responds by letting out a surprised gasp.

Lizliz lets us know in a voice over that she has spotted some cracks in the Ogawhore alliance in that BT, just like the rest of America, can’t stand that b!tch.

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We interrupt this broadcast to give you an insider’s look into the production of a prime-time smash hit TV show, The following transcript was supplied by the good people of CBS. Said transcript was taken from a mid-December meeting at Mark Burn-it Production headquarters between Burn-it and CBS President Les Moovnes, the subject of said meeting was the layout for Episode #8 of Survivor.
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MB: Alright people pay attention, we need to figure out what comes next in this scene. We’ve already spent the better part of 10 minutes fooling the audience into thinking that there is a crack in the Ogakor alliance..

LM: Yeah, if by crack you mean millionaire (thanks Kokoro). But seriously Mark, what are you gonna do to spice up this episode?

MB: Well, I don’t know if we really need to spice things up, just wait till you see the exciting and dangerous Immunity Challenge I have planned...I figured I would spend the rest of the show trying to distract the viewers from the fact that its gonna be an all-Ogakor final 5.

LM: Yeah, I know you gotta do that, but that’s not enough these days.....kids these days have a short attention span, you gotta “WOW” them at every turn or else they’ll turn the channel on you...what about doing a celebrity walk-on that coincides w/ another CBS program...like they come back from Tribal Council and they find a grumpy Ed O’Neil walking around the campsite..it would be like Married w/ Children” meets “Robinson Crusoe”...a couple of smart episodes like that and we might finally be able to pull this network ahead of QVC in the ratings game...oh to dream.

MB: Uhm Les, that’s great and all, but we already filmed all the episodes in advance, I don’t think your idea is gonna work. But, I’ve got a better idea! You want something exciting, I’ve got something exciting! When you think of edge of the seat, raise the roof excitement, what immediately comes to mind?

LM: That Madlock episode where he misplaced his teeth?

MB: No, not quite. I’ve got something much better in mind. Picture this, the tension is brewing between Scerri and the rest of the tribe, we’ve been hinting at a blowout this whole episode so we give the audience the one thing that has made Sunday morning television the ratings juggernaut that it is.......a televised prayer to Jesus!

LM: Oh my god, that’s fabulous! Hold on, I’ll call up Pepsi Co. and see if they want first dibbs on sponsoring it.

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And there you have it, an insider look into production of a major hit television show. Now, back to the show...

As if on cue, Kentucky Joe leads the rest of Tribe Prayer-A-Plenty in his rendition of, “Ain’t god great?” As the others pray to Jesus, Scerri growls under her breath and carves 6-6-6 into the palm of her hand with Kel’s left over razor. Lizliz lets us know in an interview that, if she wants to keep playing the game, “I’m gonna have to get a little more ruthless.” Overcome with rage, I scream at the TV, “Nice try Burn-it, I’m almost falling for that load of crap.” Then I make a mental note to tape the Early Show when Lizliz is on there in a couple of weeks.

DAY 23

The remaining KuchaKids stand around by Kentucky Joe’s fishing hole talking about how screwed they are. Says KJ, “Were just sitting ducks now.” Lizliz responds, “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbour!?!” and then she correctly notes the crack in the Ogawhore alliance, “Pay attention to Jerri and Tina cause I think they have issues..honestly I think Jerri’s gonna get votes from her tribe.” Yeah, so do I Lizliz, after you and the rest of Kucha is long gone.

Lizliz immediately runs off to start exploring the crack in the alliance...she starts with Tina, “last night she (scerri) was complaining about how we were doing the rice, I don’t know how you put up with her for as long as you did.” Responds Benedict Tina, who is currently the #1 ranked liar in the Outback, “She’ll get hers, it’s coming.” Yeah right. Says Lizliz in an interview, “I don’t know if I’m a dumb optimist or just in denial but I think Jerri is ready to go.” My vote goes with “dumb optimist” with just a touch of “denial”.

Tree-mail!!!

The reward challenge is a boomerang tossing contest. The media=whores stand in the middle of a big painted circle and throw the boomerang, the boomerang that gets closest to coming back into the circle win a full-course dinner or Dorito’s, Mountain Dew, Dr. Scholl’s foot pads and anything else even slightly related to a sponsor. Well, everyone sucks at throwing the boomerang, but the best by far was the Colbster who somehow almost managed to clip KKK who was standing about 5 miles away from the target.

Scerri puts the boomerang about 5 feet from the circle and BT lectures her about maybe being a little nicer now that she’s probably gonna win a meal. Lamber, who can’t stand to be more than 5 feet away from Scerri, somehow wills her boomerang to land within 2 feet of Scerri’s, but not close enough to surpass her. At this point in the summary I’d like to introduce a brand new feature....The “Oh My God” counter from Radio Shack...you just plug it in like so and it handles the complex task of keeping track of all the “Oh my God’s “ uttered and screamed by Scerri and Lamber.

So, as JP measures Lamber’s throw, Scerri manages to scream out no less than two “OMG’s”

OH MY GOD Counter = 2

America groans in unison as Lamber announces that Scerri is indeed the winner, but then again finding someone to cheer for between Scerri and Lamber is about as difficult as it was to decide which moron to elect President. Lamber tells Scerri, “You beat me by about 3 inches, or in terms you might have an easier time with, you beat me by about the length of the Colbster’s tootsie-roll. Scerri mocks concern for the others as she walks away to enjoy her meal, but not before JP informs her that she may bring a friend, or in her case, the person who dislikes her the least. Now this part was the biggest joke of the show.....even the god-damned dingos know she’s gonna pick Lamber yet Lamber, with all the training of a pageant contestant, acts sooo “genuinely” surprised when she gets picked that I almost fell out of my seat laughing at what a fake b!tch she is.

As the two whores walk away, Scerri says, “Oh my god I feel like I just won the Miss America pageant.”

OMG Counter: 3

Dinner was really stupid so I’ll stick to the important parts.....

Lamber: Oh my god
Scerri: Oh my god
Lamber: Oh my god
Scerri: There’s rolls, you were just talking about rolls
Lamber I love meatball subs
Scerri: Oh my god, oh my god
Scerri: Can this really be real, oh my god
lamber: Oh my god
Scerri: Iced Tea!
Lamber: <drinking the iced tea> Oh my GODDD, I love meatball subs
Scerri: I’m eating a shrimp, Oh my god
Lamber: Oh my god
Lamber: Ohmy god
Scerri: Oh my god

JP asks them what is going on back at camp and asshole Scerri makes this comment, “They’re having rice, but they get two extra portions so they should be happy.” followed by an evil laugh.

OMG COUNTER: 15

As we leave Cinderella’s evil stepsisters we are brought back to the rest of Tribe Jerri’s-Undies where Lizliz leads the tribe in an anti-Scerri discussion. KKK is all too happy to join in, “I’ve cooked for two presidents and I’ve never every been stressed other than these last several days over cooking rice.” Lizliz comments that they feel like they won the reward since they don’t have to put up with Scerri at dinner.

Back to Lamber and Scerri who think that BT might be getting ready to backstab them. They decide to talk to the Colbster when they return to camp about the alliance and end the discussion with a toast, “here’s to being the two most hated women in America when this show finally airs,” says Scerri to Lamber.

Back from commercials, Lamber and Scerri return from their meal and are greeted with a not-so-warm reception. Said lamber, “It was very weird coming back to the tribe, like nobody even turned around to look at us...I can’t even remember the last time I walked into a room and no one was gawking at how pretty I am. These guys are such meanies, I’d trade every last one of them for a meatball sub, oh my god I love those.”

The Colbster tries to get away from Scerri by hiding out down by the water, but Scerri and Lamber soon scurry their way over to him to have a talk about strategy. Alright since we can’t believe anything Burn-it shows us anymore, I’ll keep this one short and to the point. Scerri is concerned that KKK and BT are gonna stab her in the back (duh) so the Colbster lies to her and says that he will help her mislead KKK and BT into thinking that he is gonna help them screw over Scerri and Lamber, while at the same time remaining loyal to her and Lamber. In an interview the Colbster lets us in on what he’s really thinking, “Scerri doesn’t deserve to win this thing if for no other reason simply for the way she has treated the people around her....and that was the deciding factor in deciding between going with Scerri or siding with KKK and BT. I didn’t like the fact that I had to lie, but because I was lying to Scerri, I didn’t lose sleep over it.” The conversation ends with a group hug and Scerri letting us know that she believes that the Colbster is telling her the truth.

DAY 24

More tree-mail!!!!!

The Bare-a-midriff tribe meets with one of the crew members to read the tree mail, oh wait, that’s Nick..sorry, I didn’t recognize it. Scerri explains in an interview that Chyna is the next target for Ogawhore. Nick doesn’t appear to be very worried about the fact that he might also be a target, but then again why should he because if silence is truly golden, he’s already a millionaire.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Today’s Immunity Challenge will truly test the bounds of the contestants ability to survive in the wild. Titled “Things to do in 5th Grade Social Studies Class When You’re Really Bored”, this challenge of wits combines several contests in a virtual Olympics of desktop games.

First up is the “Hangman” Competition:

Scerri pulls ahead early when she easily spells the phrase “genital warts”, but Nick pulls even with a perfect spelling of “invisible man”.

Next up is a mean game of life-size dots and squares, which KKK wins solely because he got to go 5th which is when the whole board happened to open up.....apparently the sign at the roller rink flashed “Ogakor only” just before the game started cause I didn’t see any Kucha competing in this event.

The third event is, what else, tic-tac-toe”

After a 12 hour standoff, Rodger finally concedes the Whoopi Goldberg/Center square to Lizliz and gives her the victory.

The final event is a game of “heads up, seven up”:

Lamber, who somehow possesses the ability to move without being detected by sonar, radar or gaydar easily coasts to a victory when Lizliz won’t stop laughing at Kentucky Joe’s insistence that “someone pull my finger dammit!”

After the final competition, JP retires to tally up the total scores only to realize that they had forgotten to keep track of who won what so they call all the contestants together and settle everything with a heated match of “What number am I thinking of?” KKK wins when he guesses #7 and then claims his victory is a result of the fact that, “Cmon guys, everyone always guesses #7.” So, KKK wins Immunity for the second time around.

Back from commercial, Alicia lets us know that she will probably be the most likely bootee tonight. Lizliz thinks Scerri is gonna go, but we all know that just isn’t true.

At Tribal Council, the ususal playful banter from JP as he picks on Lizliz and Lamber this time around. Chyna gets to talk for what will most likely be the last time and then its time to vote...although tonight’s bootee is special in that they get to return each episode to whore themselves just a little bit more as members of the jury.

Big surprise, everyone from Kucha votes for Scerri and everyone for Ogawhore votes for Chyna....although it was fun to see the look on Scerri’s face as each one of her votes was read...like you could almost see the exact moment when she realized that there was no way in hell she could ever possibly win this thing unless she was paired up in the final 2 with either Adolph Hitler or Richard Speck, and then maybe just maybe she’d have a chance.

Chyna’s final words: Blah blah blah had a great time blah blah blah saw it coming blah blah blah I hope Rosie feels sorry for me and gives me some free stuff.

Is it just me or does this show get worse and worse every episode?