What, No Ram-a-Lam-a-Ham-Jam?

Or

The KC and Joe(Joe) Show

Yes, folks, that nationwide talent search is ready to begin once more, and soon the kids will be singing their hearts out—oh, wait, sorry, that’s the other show. This? Is ESPN's Dream Job, a show where thousands of folks from every major-media-market-corner of this good ol’ U. S. of A. try their darnedest to become the next SportsCenter anchor.

And even though that’s the biggest difference between this and American Idol, there are some others – and one, thankfully, is that we don’t have to endure more of Ryan Seacrest’s wannabe-witty banter. No, returning as host is Stuart “Call Him Butter Cause He’s On a Roll” Scott.

Also, the majority of the competition has already been conducted, and clips of this are crammed into the initial sequence; from thousands, the field has already been pared to twelve. We see the twelve names and faces in the opening montage of the show, but only six of those are important tonight – the other six won’t be competing until next week. Tonight’s six DAW’s and potential pieces of cannon fodder are:

Valerie Hawrylko – age: 31
Profession – Management Consultant
Hometown – Oakton, Virginia
Looks Like She Might Be: Marisa Tomei

Brian Startare – age: 33
Profession – Health Care Manager
Hometown – Glassboro, NJ
Looks Like He Might Be: The only guy to go to every Jets game last year

Anish Shroff – age: 22
Profession – Radio Host
Hometown – Bloomfield, NJ
Looks Like He Might Be: the crazy kid on Van Wilder

Grant Thompson – age: 28
Profession – Actor
Hometown – L.A.
Looks Like He Might Be: Trying waaaay too hard to be Chandler Bing

Joe Voyticky – age: 37
Profession – Attorney
Hometown - Brooklyn
Looks Like He Might Be: Not needing a baby-sitter for Tuesday nights

KC James – age: 44
Profession – Accountant
Hometown – L.A.
Looks Like He Might Be: Cedric the Entertainer’s unsuccessful kid brother

Ooh, ooh, and this must be really important - because Stuart Scott specifically mentions it - KC is the Wendy’s Wild Card Pick. Stu must have mentioned this because it dealt with the strategy of the game, and not because it was some shameless product plug.

Speaking of shameless product placements, the winner of this competition will be winning a “Phat” new Mazda. I’m sure if it was any other car company though, that car would suck? Please.

And of course we wouldn’t have much of a show without our panel of executioner-- umm, judges:
-Taking over the “Old Crusty Guy” position for Tony Kornhiser is Around the Horn’s Woody Paige. Hope he’ll uphold the sarcastic-factor.
-Returning is Kit Hoover from that huge early morning hit, Cold Pizza.
-Taking over the “Professional Athlete” Spot from LaVar Arrington is NBA analyst Stephen A. Smith. He does not look amused, especially when someone snickers after Stuart puts extra emphasis on the middle initial. Anyone? Anyone? Joe?
-And of course, the actual judge (i.e. “Guys, this is who I want you to cut”) ESPN’s Vice President of Talent, Al Jaffe.

And don’t forget, America, that you also get the power to vote! Yes, your votes to cut will comprise one-fifth of the voting total, which as we all know, is a majority and cannot be overruled by the panelists when Jaffe brings them to a consensus. So pay attention and light up those switchboards, America. I’m even more encouraged when we’re shown a graphic of the voting breakdown, and a picture of each judge is shown, including a picture of the USA. Yup, it looks just like me! I feel so valued.

So of course for this episode, the contestants’ competition is going to be highlights – the bread & butter of any SportsCenter episode. The judges will be evaluating Writing, Delivery, Sports Knowledge, and Creativity. Evidently all six get to use Intel laptops and I’m certain that Intel wants to make sure we know that.

So enough with the jibber-jabber, on to the first contestant. Grant Thompson is up. He thinks there’s a connection between acting and sportscasting. So if you’re a non-famous actor, does that mean you’re going to be a non-famous sportscaster? Ha ha.

Grant does highlights of the Panthers-Packers Monday night game and of a Cubs-Marlins day game. If you didn’t know he was an actor, you’d be able to tell from his monologues – they’re way too long and seem written that way in an attempt to keep his mug on the screen for as long as possible. There’s definitely too many ‘desperate attempt at humor’ jokes. Chandler Bing you’re not. But some of his lines were clever, and he didn’t mangle too many words.

Now to the judges. Woody was bored to sleep but wakes up enough to rake Grant over the coals. “Get excited over your delivery – at this rate you’ll be a delivery boy.” Bah-dum-ch! Kit thought he was great but took too long. “You know what to do, you can do this.” Okay, thanks, Paula. Stephen A. nitpicks just about everything he didn’t like with the performance, which is an extensive list. And Jaffe basically says he’s trying to be too cute, and they don’t need any class clowns. Grant seems poised to be this season’s Nick Stevens – tolerable in small doses, voted out when the judges grow weary of his schtick.

Next up is KC James. Evidently when he was a kid he would pass the time by turning the sound down on the TV and doing his own play-by-play (read: didn’t have any friends – believe me, I should know). Neighbors would come over and think the kid was wiggin’ out, but as KC tells us, the joke’s on them - because he was really practicing for this, his big moment!

KC’s decided to go with NFL and MLB highlights as well – in this case, Browns-Ravens and Yankees-Orioles. Of course, the only reason I know it’s a Yankees-Orioles game is because I actually follow baseball, since KC neglects to actually tell us what game he’s highlighting. Ouch. Painful pauses between his intro and the first highlight, the first and second highlight, and the second highlight and conclusion don’t help the fact that many of his attempts at humor fall flat. KC, either you needed a lot more practice, or the neighbors were right after all.

For the most part, the judges agree with my take (Where’s the show where we try out for their job? ‘Cause I could do it). Woody points out that KC even had some factual errors – a cardinal sin for a sports anchor. Kit thinks his performance was bad but she really likes him. Okay, Paula, take off the Mission Impossible mask. Stephen A. and Al basically point out that it’s not good to A) rip off another sportscaster’s trademark or B) leave dead air on a show. Good work KC.

Time for ads: We get a quick spot from Intel (Oh! Your little logo looks like a pair of scissors? Let me rush to buy one of your laptops!). Then a longer one from Wendy’s, yes, featuring the colossally insipid “Mr. Wendy’s Unofficial Spokesman” rappeling down the face of a skyscraper, startling a hapless soul toiling away into the wee hours for some faceless corporation, shamelessly shilling one of his hamburgers to the man, and, most disappointingly, not plummeting to what would be a very timely demise. (BTW, I must now shamelessly promote “my” show, 24. I can see the promos for the next season now:
Agent: Jack – the fate of the nation rests in your hands – you’re our only hope.
Jack: What’s my mission?
Agent: To find this man – and destroy him. (plays tape)
Recorded voice: “I’m with Wendy’s – unofficially.”
Jack: (in close-up) Dear God.
Okay, sorry for that, back to the ads.) Here’s Mazda, for a car you “can really get excited about” (I think if you’re standing in the middle of the bloody desert you’d get excited about nearly any car that happened your way). And yes, I still hate the little “zoom-zoom” kid. Then, another 15-second spot from Intel that’s even lamer than the first one.

Back to the action – here’s Anish Shroff, a recent graduate from Syracuse. He wants to join the ranks of respected sportscasters from that school, which is a reasonable aspiration, I guess. Wonder if being host of a radio sports show will help him here? Naaaah…..

Anish runs through a Broncos-Chiefs highlight and a Cardinals-Padres highlight. It sounds like he’s done this before. He sounds like a professional, he’s informative, and he makes very few mistakes. But let’s see what the judges think, shall we?

Once again, they agree with me (I told you I could do their job). They’re impressed with his abilities and give him high marks in all areas.

More ads: Unlike your local police force, the U.S. Air Force wants people who actually know how to use a computer (that’s your local police force – my local police force is stellar.) By using Verizon, your college-bound son can evidently become a pimp in no time! ABC gives us a promo for their new show “Lost,” alternately titled “Two Dozen People with Less Combined Talent Than Tom Hanks Try to Be Tom Hanks” or “Can You Kill Off People In Your Show, Burnett? I Didn’t Think So.”

And we’re back, but before we get back to the competition, let’s not forget that we’re still shilling for Mazda and the “phat” (there’s that word again – I do not think it means what you think it means) car that they’ll be giving away to the winner.

Now we move to “Get Off the Fence,” a segment that features all six players. They’ll pair up and Stuart Scott will introduce a controversial sports topic. One competitor chooses a viewpoint and argues that way; the other competitor must take the opposing viewpoint and defend that view. Then on the next question, they’ll reverse order. After six questions the judges will give their take, based on knowledge, persuasiveness and clarity.

I’m too lazy to go through all the questions and their arguments and, let’s face it, if by some extreme miracle you’re still reading this, you’re undoubtedly about to nod off right now. So in the words of Inigo Montoya (again) “I will explain. No – there is too much. I will sum up.”

Anish vs. Joe – Neither one was particularly inspiring or particularly disappointing.

Valerie vs. KC – Valerie wins hands down. Smart & concise, while KC supported his claims with meaningless babble.

Grant vs. Brian – Grant wins; his points are valid, but Brian gets flustered and struggles, in essence taking attention away from Grant.

Judges: Woody thinks Valerie was the best, notes Brian’s struggles, but calls out previously-untouchable Anish for making an assumption of guilt in the Frank Francisco chair-tossing incident (Uh… assumption of guilt? The tape of him throwing a chair isn’t evidence? Oh, never mind.) Kit picks Grant as her best, Brian as her worst, but reminds him he can still shine in his highlight segment. “Yay! Everyone’s super! Go Team!”
Stephen A. picks on KC for his weak arguments but names Brian his worst, dubbing him ‘shameful.’ He too picks Valerie as the best, but then gives her a backhanded compliment by asking the others “Why in this male-dominated world of sports would five men let a woman take y’all out?” So, Stephen A, it’s natural if they beat her, but if she wins, the fellas should be ashamed? Yeah, whatever. I guess now we know what the “A” stands for. Jaffe says nothing noteworthy.

Back after a word from our sponsors. Tom Sizemore will be starring in “Hu$tle,” an ESPN made-for-TV movie about Pete Rose’s legal problems. Maybe the week after that, Pete Rose can try his hand at acting in “Drunken Stupor,” a movie about Tom Sizemore’s legal problems. The crazy Intel logo is back. The Mazda nimrod is standing in the desert again, only now he’s getting delirious and having twin fantasies. An ad for Marriott’s hotels about how poor their service is. And now on DVD, “Man on Fire,” which sounds really painful but is actually about Denzel Washington doing his best impersonation of, well, me.

Wow, a lot of ads that time. I guess they had to give the stage-grunts time to move that big podium out of the way. More highlight reels now, and it’s Joe Voyticky’s turn. As a kid, he had to learn to run when mean kids would chase him. He got so good, he ran in the (wow!) New. York. Marathon. Running skills…. Could this be foreshadowing? Naaah…..

His highlights are Redskins-Bucs and….. (yawn) Giants-D’backs. Oh, sorry there. I had to shake myself awake when he finished. He had lots of facts, but it seems the only reason he avoided those awkward pauses that KC had is because he’s taking soooooo looooong to read his lines. Almost no emotion shown.

Stu asks his if this was more nerve-wracking than a courtroom. Joe says, “What’s more nerve-wracking? Standing in front of Stephen A. and his band here.” Stu congratulates him on his successful insertion of foot into mouth.

Surprise, surprise, none of the judges were impressed. The only good comments come from Kit (surprise!) who tells Joe he “looks like a sportscaster.” Great, if only they didn’t have to talk, the job would be his.

Moving on, we now have Valerie Hawrylko. She loses a lot of her appeal in my eyes by announcing that her childhood crush was Thurman Munson, who did, in fact, play for the Fricking New York Yankees. I could make a joke about Thurman being the best kind of Yankee, but I’ll save that for another time.

Her selected highlights are Eagles-Giants and Angels-White Sox. She tries to be too cute with cliches in the first highlight, stumbles, and gets off track for the second. Not good.

The judges point out the various and sundry errors that she made; most of them are upset because they expected more after she did so well in the debate segment. “You’re setting expectations that you can’t meet.” What is this, the Benefactor?

Stu reminds us again to vote because “it’s really important – Verizon says so.”

More ads: In a moving tribute to the Clinton years, if you’re a scruffy-looking kid who gives food to an almost-as-scruffy-looking homeless guy, then Meals on Wheels—er, I mean, the U.S. Air Force wants you. A reprise of “Mr. Wendy Must Die,” then a repeat of the Verizon pimp-kid. Okay, I understand that you have a limited number of sponsors, but is more than one different ad too much to ask for? I want more things to make fun of!

In honor of the last performer I’m going to give an intro like they do. “Coming off a debilitating performance in the “Get Off the Fence” competition earlier in the show, Brian Startare knew his @ss was in a crack and that he’d have to kick some major butt in his highlight reel, or America would vote him right out. To the soundstage we go.” See? I could do this!

Brian (whose bio segment was so un-interesting I forgot to write about it) gives highlights of the Vikings-Cowboys and A’s-Red Sox. His segue between the two is “straight A performance for the Vikings….. straight A’s…… Oakland A’s!” which is really lame. I actually enjoyed the rest of it, though.

The judges are a mixed bag on this one. Woody really hated it, making me think that Brian was doomed, but the most important opinion of course belongs to Al Jaffe. He thought Brian “sounds like a sportscaster,” but did need a lot of work.

Stu: “Vote! It’s important! Way more important than that silly little Bush-Kerry thing! And has nothing to do with the fact that I’m saying the word ‘Verizon’ at least 20 times a show. Speaking of which, Verizon Verizon Verizon. There. Vote!”

Ads: repeats for Intel and Man on Fire, an old one for Enterprise Rentals with the stupid brown-paper-covered car (I always thought it would be funny to do a spoof where they drove into a tree…. Idiots), an ad for a new ESPN show called Fear Factor For Philanthropists or something equally inane, then a local ad for a used sporting goods shop called Rust-Covered Golf Clubs, which isn’t it’s real name but would be entirely accurate.

Back to the show, and we’re shown the contestants in a ‘Usual Suspects’ lineup that allows us to count their nose hairs. They're sweating it out. Now, we’re not even done with one complete show, and we get a recrap? Stu assures us it’s for those who need to “see what they Verizon missed and get Verizon off the fence Verizon and vote. And Wendy’s too.” And as far as recaps go, this one really sucked. If this was all I had seen I would have no idea who was good or bad. Stu shills for Verizon again.

More ads: Every bloody ad was one we’ve already seen. You see what I have to work with here?

Stu: “Alright, it’s time to see who America laid the smackdown on.” America’s vote to cut is….. Brian Startare. Well, that must mean poor Brian is a goner. Surely the judges will see that America can’t be wrong. I’m confident that this whole voting system isn’t a farce set up to give Verizon as much publicity as possible, and they’ll go ahead and vote Brian out.

Woody: “Brian, I thought you were the worst. But since you are the worst, I want to see you come back and improve." (????) "Grant, your writing was good so you’re safe too." (again, ?????) "No, the only person I can cut is the person Al told me--- I mean, the person who had no passion, and that’s Joe.”

Kit: “Well, I thought KC and Joe were the worst…. But I mean, you were still both awesome! I have to cut one of you though, and since I can’t read Al’s handwriting, I’ll just cut KC.”

Stephen A: “Brian and Valerie, you both sucked at one event but redeemed yourselves with the other. Which brings me to KC and Joe." (KCi and JoJo?) "KC, you were horrible. I learned from Mark Cuban that if you set a high expectation and don’t deliver, that’s bad. But Joe made fun of me. My middle initial is the bomb, yo! And I don’t need any stupid card from Al. I cut Joe.”

Stu: “Let’s take a look at the voting.” Jiffy Probe you’re not. But for those of you who can’t hear, or are Guy Pearce’s character in “Memento,” it’s Brian 1, KC 1, Joe 2. Bad for Joe.

Al Jaffe: “Valerie, your highlights were awful but your debate was brilliant.” (okay, I think she understands by now.) “But it was between KC and Joe. Since I had to tell these goons who to vote out, I flipped a coin, and Joe lost. Tough noogies, pal.”

Stu ushers Joe off the stage; Joe shows about as much emotion as he had all night: zero. So long, Joe, we hardly knew ya.

So, Brian (whose name is not ‘Brain,’ no matter how many times I type it that way), KC, Valerie, Grant and Anish are safe for 2 more weeks; next week’s show will feature the other six contestants: a Whitney, a David, a Stephanie, a Winston and 2 (count them!) Jasons. The summary for that episode will be provided by survivorscott, who is sure to do a better job than this pile of drivel I’ve produced. Hopefully the other six contestants can follow suit.

-jack_bauer