LAST EDITED ON 01-17-05 AT 02:13 AM (EST)

The Bachelorette 3 – Episode 1 SummaryOnce, Twice, Three times a DAW

Hello and welcome to the Episode 1 summary for The Bachelorette – the show that seeks to answer the question “Can a wholesome Midwestern girl find true love on a TV game show? Twice? Within a two year span?” Unfortunately, it’s also the show that poses these questions as well:

“Is it really fair or interesting to give a former winner a second chance?”;
“Whatever happened to Kelli Jo?”; and
“Jen who?”

Anyway, it’s premiere night and I couldn’t be more excited to be sitting at my handy wireless keyboard, ready to give Reality TV World readers a blow-by-blow description of Jen Schefft’s quest for true love. I'll put my own snarky commentary in bold, blue to help you skip to the good stuff if you don't want to read the whole summary.

Meet The Bachelorette

This section should be called let’s refresh your memory because I doubt there are many new viewers who need to be introduced to the lovely and wholesome Jen. The only people still watching The Bachelor are diehard reality dating show freaks (like me) and those who enjoy drinking games associated with

THE.MOST.DRAMATIC.ROSE.CEREMONY.EVER.

Our host, Chris Harrison, claims that Jen is arguably the most beloved woman ever to appear on the show. Personally, I don’t know anybody who’s even mildly excited to see her return – just the opposite in fact. The people I know are all disappointed that she was selected. There’s just something about giving a former winner a second chance that is unsettling. After all she’s not the one whose heart was torn to shreds in front of a national TV audience.

We get a closer look at Jen recapping her journey towards true love with Andrew Firestone. I remember really liking Jen on that Bachelor series because she seemed more natural and sincere than most of the attention-hungry prima donnas we’ve come to expect from this show. Jen explains that she and Andrew never became "settled as a couple", and that after nine months together they realized they wanted different things out of life. Their breakup was amicable.

We also get a glimpse of Jen’s midwestern upbringing, including photos of her as a high school cheerleader where she was considered “a boy magnet”. Why does a boy magnet need a nationwide search for a halfway decent guy to marry? Anyway, after receiving her marketing degree, she fulfilled her destiny by moving to the big city – Chicago – where she became an event coordinator. She confides that she’s now ready to marry and start a family. One thing I notice is that in all her pictures from the past, her teeth are absolutely gleaming white. I didn’t think the teeth-bleaching thing had been around that long. Could her teeth be that white naturally? Every reality TV contestant I’ve seen over the last couple of years seems to have bleached white teeth. Is this why I wasn’t chosen for The Amazing Race?

**runs off to make appointment with dentist**

There are a few significant changes to the show’s format this time around that should prove to be interesting. First, they’ve switched coasts, and this series will be centered in New York City. Second, Jen tells us she’ll be “involved in the casting process”. Just the way she says it sounds funny to me - “casting process”. Shouldn’t she call it the “mate selection process”? Anyway, she’ll help pick the guys, which should result in a better chance for long-term success. She met all the guys, watched their audition tapes, and sat in the initial interviews. She wants to make sure the men are there for the right reasons and not just to launch an acting career.

As the producers are conducting detailed interviews with prospective bachelors, Jen is watching via a hidden camera. In addition, she is feeding the producers interview questions. Of course, the guys are clueless to the fact that she’s watching. Some of the guys are downright annoying. One is only there for his 15 minutes of fame. Another seems to be looking for an American bride as a ticket to staying in the U.S. Another is apparently there because he thinks Jen will appreciate what he can do with his tongue, since all we see of him is that he can lick the bottom of his own chin. Wow! He’ll have no problem getting dates after this show airs. A fourth candidate tells the producer he thinks Chicago is miserable. Some of the guys are endearing. One is a fireman. Jen jokes that there’s a fire in her pants, and can he come put it out? Don’t worry Jen, nothing like a little marriage to put out that fire in your pants!

Jen's friends Abby and Michelle are there to help give her some advice and they check out the album of photos of all the guys. Her friends are really cute. I wonder if they’d let her friends on the show if they weren’t good looking. They talk about what Jen wants in a guy and the thing they can do in New York. Abby suggests they could visit the Eiffel Tower! Michelle warns her to be careful with the sex. What the hell does that mean? Jen ends the conversation – we’re not talking about sex. She says goodbye to her friends, who I believe are hoping to catch a tour of the Golden Gate bridge before they leave the city.

Finally, Jen visits her new bachelorette pad, and thinks aloud that this could be where she meets her future husband. Then she goes shopping and tells us she’s trying on clothes for 25 men – one of whom could be her future husband. If she really wants ot think far ahead, maybe she’s trying on clothes for her future ex-husband!

Back to the Bachelorette pad, and it’s finally time to get this party started. Chris asks Jen why she’s doing the show this time and to describe her previous experience. Didn’t he watch the first half hour? We sat through it, why couldn’t he? Regardless, we learn she had no expectations the previous time, but also learned that it can work. Does she call a nine-month roller coaster ride with a rich publicity hound "working"? She’s looking for a down-to-earth guy who could be her best friend too. Personally, I think it’s better to have a separate best friend. Who else are you going to complain about your spouse to? Also, I find it truly funny that there’s such a huge chasm between the "best friend" and the "just a friend". Best friend means you get to sleep with her. Just a friend means she’ll answer your email, but won’t pick up your phone calls.

Chris and Jen talk about how her being involved in the casting should improve the odds of success, although I think they chose at least a few guys who clearly have no chance of being her soul mate just because they seem like interesting characters. I wonder seriously how many she truly thinks may be a match for her.. Hick boy? No way. She wants to be a city girl. One of the ski bums? I doubt she wants to live in Colorado, after all she’s a city girl. I guess if all guys seemed like potential matches, narrowing the field could be unduly difficult.

One more surprise. Abby and Michelle will be disguised as waitresses so they can be Jen’s eyes and ears. They will hear things she doesn’t. Finally, it’s time to meet the bachelors. For a closer look at each one, check out this link.

Meat and Greet

Time for Jen to officially meet her bachelors. Here we go:

Ryan, 28, a teacher from Southern California. He looks very young, but seems like a pleasant fellow.

Eric, 37, a San Diego firefighter needs someone to spend the rest of his life with. His mom thinks "they would make a great couple." Need some clarification here Eric. Are you saying your mom thinks you and Jen would make a great couple or that you and she would make a great couple? It’s a little ambiguous and I hope Jen has enough sense to ask you for clarification. Eric gives Jen a hug , but its one of those “guy hugging guy hugs”. I’m terrible at the guy-guy hug. It’s a source of embarrassment. I’ve even studied NBA game films because those guys know how to do it right, but it hasn’t helped. My hugs always end up seeming a little too familiar. Sigh.

Chris, 27 a hairstylist, who’s obviously from a very small Kentucky town, Earlier in the show, he became quite excited describing their new post office. He tells us his dad owns a liquor store and accordingly he feels obligated to be a proficient drinker. Hmm. Taking that logic one step further, I’ll bet Chris is really glad his dad isn’t a mortician! How did this guy make the top 25? This is where we know Jen didn’t have TOO much influence in the casting process.

Jason, a 29 year old motivational speaker from Ft Worth TX. Right away we learn he is a virgin. Wow, they finally got one for the Bachelorette! He tells the camera his body is not a carnival ride. Did he mean to say carnal ride? And does he mind that Jen’s body is a carnival ride? What self-respecting non-virginous female would select a guy who would always be a reminder of her own less than chaste existence? He won’t make it far. Second week at best.

Ryan, is a 34 year old black attorney from New York. Truly, I’m not prejudiced but I don’t think it’s right to select his kind for a show like this. Yes, lawyers should definitely be banned. After all, she’s hoping to live happily ever after. Amazingly, he seems pretty down to earth. I like him and am hoping he makes it to episode 3.

John Paul, 25, is an investment company owner. They specialize in real estate, but that’s not what he’s all about. Hmm, 25 years old and his name is John Paul. I think his parents were probably Beatles fans.

Stu – yet another attorney is 27 years old and from New York. Stu tells us he had a crush on Jen when she was first on The Bachelor. He gives her a warm hug and they make small talk then hug again.

Matt, 32 is a New York firefighter. He kisses her hand.

Keith, 28, is a welder and surf bum from San Diego. This pretty much says it all. He won’t last past tonight.

Andy, 29, is a ski coach. He’s a former Olympian ski racer and currently teaches in Steamboat Springs CO. He’s ready to fall in love with a lady and settle down.

Michael, 31, is an English teacher from Michigan. He wonders if she’s looking for a sugar daddy or just a real guy. He’s a lot better looking than this picture from the official bachelor website.

Kevin is a 26 year old “consultant”. (Note: consultant is code for “recently fired, now working for a temp agency”) His friends last year concluded that he and Jen were perfect for each other and would be immediately attracted to each other if they met. He believes in fate and destiny Unfortunately, Fate has a restraining order against him and Destiny still charges him full price ofr every lap dance. He’s there to meet Jen for a reason. Yes, but maybe that reason is to make some of the other guys look good by comparison?

David is a 30 year old salesman from Chicago. He works out and plans to sell himself to Jen. I wouldn’t get too attached to him. Jen will see right through his act.

Chris, a 33 year old Sports Marketing dude is a mountain climber and shark diver, but now its time for a bigger challenge – women! He’s from Ohio.

Fabrice, 28, is a French guy who is from France. As in Paris. He has an accent that women really like. It’s a French accent. Bonjour. Enchante. He hopes to show Jen the French lover thing is not just a cliché. He tells Jen that it was good to meet her and they will make love later. He says it so smoothly I think she believes it. His occupation is irrelevant. Okay, he may not have actually said all of that, but it was getting late when I was taking notes.

Mark, 30, is a finance guy from Carlsbad, CA. He wants to win Jen’s heart by being caring, compassionate, and attentive. Let’s see if that kind of thing works on her.

Josh, 28, is a professional marathon runner from CA, and yet another male virgin. He looks like what you’d get if Matt Damon had gotten Jim Carrey’s role in Dumb and Dumber. He is picky and doesn’t date for the sake of dating.

Eric, 36, is a magazine editor from New York. He welcomes her to New York, and she comments that he is very tall.

Wendell, 27, is an entrepreneur from Chicago. Normally, I think that means he doesn’t have a job. He says that financially he could offer her a very nice life, but the best part about him is who he is. He too, is hoping t find his best friend. He looks more like the justa friend type. Maybe if Jen doesn’t work out, one of the other guys will be his best friend.

Andrew is a 37-year-old New York bartender. He loves NY and the nightlife and the energy. A bartender at 37? Give me a break. Plus he looks too much like a grown up Draco Malfoy. Is he wearing a priest collar? No, he’s just dressed in all black. He won’t make it to week two in my humble opinion.

One more limo to go.

Ben, 26, is a ski instructor from Aspen. His older brothers have taught him about women, that its about quality not quantity. He says the advice has served him well. What does THAT mean? Is he talking sex? Relationships? It can’t have served him too well if he’s still looking for a wife. He looks like a little boy.

Collin is a 27 year old sports agent from Texas. He tells Jen she’s incredible looking on TV, but even prettier in person. Pretty smooth!

A.W. is a California mortgage consultant, age 27. He says that though California girls are great, scoring with a Midwestern chick gets bonus points. Okay, he didn’t really say that. Mortgage consultant. That’s what everybody who didn’t find a real job before they turned 25 is doing in California. Either that or they’re real estate agents. There are more real estate agents in California than there are “entrepreneurs” or “consultants”. A.W. is goofy looking in that stalker kind of way. He says the best case scenario is that he and Jen have a huge connection and end up falling in love. I think realistically his best case scenario is that some poor schlub passes out at the rose ceremony, paving the way for him to be a last minute replacement for the final rose.

Matt, 33 is yet another attorney. He’s from California. Is Jen anticipating legal trouble soon? He says he has a difficult time dating girls who are just dumb. I guess he prefers them to be beautiful as well as dumb.

Jerry, 29, is an artist from Los Angeles. As an artist, he’s looking for his inspiration. He’s also the last bachelor. Thank god! That’s a lot of guys and they all look the same to me.

Funny Stuff at the Cocktail Party

Jen comments about what it’s like walking into a room with 25 eyes all on you. Does this mean there were only 13 guys in the room, and one of the guys was winking? Anyway, her friends Abby and Michelle will be helping her keep the eye on the bachelors by playing the role of waitresses assigned to serve drinks to the men. Neither girl looks like she’s ever been a waitress before. Jen enters and the men all clap.

Stu is has been fixated on Jen since she was on the bachelor. He’s telling Michelle all about her, raving about how sincere she was on the Bachelor and how much he liked her. Jerry is the first to pull Jen aside. He tells her that “everything happens for a reason.” He feels like he was supposed to be here and asks if she feels the same way. How ridiculous! He ends things by carrying her down the stairs. It’s very awkward.

Fabrice is smitten with himself. He is French and doesn’t understand our American ways. He makes it a point to see that everyone knows he is French and therefore a magnificent lover. Eric from New York is flirting with Michelle and asking her when she gets off and would she like to go out after her shift. I think he wants to talk about Jen with her.

Chris is getting all likkered up!

Josh, the virginal Matt Damon with a bad haircut lookalike wants to get to know her heart. He thinks there’s one person on the earth meant for you and he’s determined to find her. He doesn’t come right out and say it but I think he hopes she’s that person. It would be very convenient, so I don’t blame him. What if the “one person for you” was a 50 year-old woman from a small town in Ecuador? They’d never find each other. I sure hope he gets sent packing tonight because I find him annoying. If he stays, I hope he at least offers some insightful marathon running tips.

Chris loves her harr (hair) and her small (smile). He is rambling because frankly he’s sh!t faced. He makes another fatal error, telling Jen that he’s competitive and plays to win; he doesn’t lose. Now, she’s humoring him by saying “I’ll keep that in mind.” That’s what you say to a salesman while you’re looking for the nearest exit. Chris, I would bet my entire net worth that you don’t get a rose tonight.

Someone is getting frustrated because it’s been hard to get time with Jen. He jokingly asks Michelle if she has any pull with Jen, but Michelle denies having any influence in that regard. Stu tells us he already has a connection with Jen and she’s the kind of girl he’s looking for. We also learn that he religiously watched the entire season of The Bachelor with Andrew Firestone. Now that alone should disqualify him. He’s a) 27 years old; b) an attorney; and c) living in New York. Why the heck is he sitting at home watching the Bachelor? He tries to sit down with Jen and tell her of his fondness for her, laying it out without being creepy. I think he does it well. He says he’s there not to win but so see if they are a match. He does it well.

Michael is the next guy to sit down with Jen. They have people in common – his father was her father’s “big brother” in college. He gives her a teddy bear with the college name. Afterwards, he tells us he’s here for Jen, and not to make friends with all the guys.

Fabrice has never seen the show and didn’t know who Jen was before tonight. He reminds her that he’s the French guy. She remembers. He tells us some people have charm; some don’t, and he has charm.

Michelle and Abby sneak away together to talk about what they’ve learned so far. They’re unsure whether Stu is either really sweet or a little creepy. They think Fabrice is a self-absorbed.

Back to the party, and Ben gives a toast to all the men. It’s too corny to repeat and it sounds to me like he either got this scipt from a sappy movie or heard it at a bachelor party – at the start of the party before everyone got plastered. The guys share a male bonding experience.

Meanwhile Jen meets with Abby and Michelle. They like Jerry, Stu, and sober Chris. They acknowledge that the other Chris was hammered, and Michelle explains how Eric was hitting on her. They agree that Eric would be happy to take either Abby or her home tonight. Can you say consolation prize?

Ryan pulls Jen aside. He’s a middle school teacher and is worried she requires someone with a better paying job. She assures him that isn’t the case. Michelle notices that Stu is always next to her being nice, and wonders if he has figured out her secret and is trying to butter her up.

John Paul is next up for alone time. He’s only 25, but seems much more mature than his years. He tells her he’s ready to start a family now. I think he may be the best looking guy there, and yes, I’m confident enough in my manliness to say so. John Paul thinks he’ll get a rose tonight.

Some of the guys are very worried that they haven’t gotten much face time – David, from Chicago, Eric from San Diego, Andrew the bartender, and Keith the California welder.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Tonight

The first twist is revealed to the men. There have been spies amongst them – their two lovely waitresses. These two have been Jen’s eyes and ears, and they get to award the First Impression rose. The guys are shocked. You can see them searching their memory banks. What did I say to these ladies or when they were around??? ??? At any rate, the two ladies award the First Impression rose to Keith, the welder. I think they liked that he was humble earlier in the evening and wouldn’t let them wait on him. Also, they knew he was worried about his lack of face time with Jen. Stu is disappointed that he didn’t get the First Impression rose he so clearly deserved.

Time for the full ceremony. Who will be the one to suffer the ultimate in public humiliation, as we have been seeing his pixellated self falling to the floor during every commercial break over the last week or so. Jen gives the typical speech about how hard it is to choose then goes into full throttle rose production mode.

Ryan from California.
A.W. I’m sorry, those initials just don’t go together as a name. Great root beer; lousy name.
Matt from NY
Wendell – Now I think he looks like a cross between Bill Nye, the science guy, and Beaker from Sesame Street. What do you think:

Am I right?

Ryan from NY – token black guy makes it to the second round. Good
Mark – I notice they are all kissing her on the left cheek. I think I’d go for the right cheek just to get to some virgin territory.

Throughout the ceremony, they’ve been showing David’s eyes rolling into the back of his head. Sure enoughh, after Mark gets his rose, he crumbles to the ground. The Extreme Public Humiliation Cam zooms in for a close up. The guys eventually help him up, but at first, everyone pretty much freezes. The cameras are rolling after all. Are they supposed to leave their spots? Finally, Jen can’t stay on her spot any longer and goes to see if he’s okay. She asks if he needs anything. Tell her “a rose would be nice!” But no, he says he’s fine and they continue with the rose ceremony. Some salesman! And since no bachelor who has passed out during a rose ceremony has EVER received a rose, I think he’s probably toast.

Back to work. Ben gets the next rose.
John Paul gets one.
Jerry is next - I notice that he goes on for the right cheek.
Jason is next.
Josh , the Matt Damon look alike gets one. Both virgins got a rose. Something tells me they didn’t tell Jen that factiod yet.
Fabrice – becomes the first French man named after a deodorizer to ever be offered a rose.
Michael the teacher gets one. He’s had a dopey grin on his face all night, and now offers Jen a hug instead of a kiss on the cheek.

How many roses is that? Twelve? Thirteen? Fourteen??? Fortunately, host Chris Harrison steps in to let us know that there is only one rose remaining. It’s now time for the final rose – and it goes to Stu. Was she sending a message not to stalk her, or was it just luck of the draw?

That’s all folks! Predictably, Hick Chris gets no rose, and neither does Eric the flirt. David, the victim of gravity’s evil spell didn’t get one, and neither does nervous Andrew. Is it possible that Jen’s true love is one of these fifteen men? Well, you’ll have to tune in next week to The Bachelorette to follow Jen Scefft’s pursuit of lasting love. And be sure and navigate back to Reality TV World for all the latest Bachelorette news!

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