Hello and welcome to week three of Fox’s latest reality show offering, The Complex. The drama is real, and the tension is mounting, as is our supply of custom-made bricks, handcrafted by Volsfan to contour perfectly to the human hand. Indeed, they are perfectly crafted for hurling at the most annoying couple in reality TV history – Barney and Rose.

What’s in store for the viewing audience in week 3? Will Barney and Rose finally try to unleash their design tastes on their Malibu apartment? If so, does trendy Southern California have enough “Velvet Elvis” paintings for them to succeed? Will Brad and Lew create a wall unit with hand crafted mother-of-pearl shelves made by the direct descendants of an ancient Mayan culture and imported from Mexico via Federal Express from one of Brad’s former lovers? Will Steve and Nicole take drastic steps to avoid last place again? Will they stray from their Wal-Mart design studio inspiration? Will they dare to scrap their “off-white” strategy, instead pushing the limit with a daring light beige décor?

The couples head back from the lumberyard to The Complex. Upper complex dwellers find a farewell cartoon from Jayna and Eric that basically calls them a bunch of losers. They are insulted, but honestly, it’s hard to argue with the premise. Sometimes the truth just hurts. Next we go head down to lower complex where Brad/Lew and Kim/Carl are celebrating their bittersweet victory. It’s a well-deserved celebration in my book. Meanwhile, in apartment 4, Dave comments that they are so good they can’t even lose on purpose. That is just wrong on so many levels. Dave, you’re so BAD you can’t even lose on purpose! I turn around and see Volsfan’s stack of bricks next to me. On the other side of my chair is some fresh mortar. I think I will sling mortar instead of bricks. The bricks may come in handy later. The first spray of mortar hits Dave squarely in the back!

Barney/Rose are glad the evil Kim is finally gone. Mission accomplished as far as they’re concerned. And for once Kim and Carl seem to be on the same page as Barney/Rose, as they cheerfully head to the Upper Complex, promising to turn around upper complex’s losing streak.

Next task for the apartment dwellers: Remodel the second bedroom in four days with $8,000 plus residual funds from their previous rooms. Shockingly, Kim volunteers to be the project manager for her new team, saying she thinks it’s probably better since she knows the judges. Personally, I was all set to hoot and howl with laughter at her masochistic desire to put herself on the chopping block again, but after thinking about it, this may be a wise decision for Kim and Carl. First of all, she didn’t insult the other teams by the way she approached them with the idea. Second, there are three couples left on their team, meaning the lack of Kim’s vote really won’t play into the outcome. To keep from being chosen for eviction, they must convince one of the two strongly-allied couples they are now teamed up with to break their existing alliance. Third, since their necks are likely the ones that will be on the line anyway, maybe it’s better to have a little more control over the situation. It might be easier to crack the alliance with Kim as PM, since they will be able to orchestrate more bonding time with one of the teams. This does not excuse her from last week’s terrible decision to take on the task again.

While the mood is fairly upbeat upstairs, the mood downstairs is decidedly different. Brad and Lew are not very happy. They suggest that Ana take the property manager job, and ask the other couples to leave them alone to do their thing in apartment 3 while the other two couples do apartment 4 – oh, and if you need help just let us know.

Upper Complex – Scotty and Sam are pleased with Kim’s skills as a property manager. Sam especially likes that Kim is anal retentive like her. Kim seems to have good ideas and is well organized. Steve on the other hand worries that Kim’s plans are too complex. Well, yeah, we’ve already established pretty much anything that involves more than rearranging the furniture is too complex for you, Steve! Their team has decided to turn one of the second bedrooms into an office. Steve wonders why they would want shelves in an office, and Sam explains to him that some people might want to put books in an office! Steve wants to keep things simple, a strategy that has been successful for them so far (where are the /sarcasm tags???).

Brad and Lew have apartment 3 under control. I think they are planning a tile wall made of specially crafted porcelain tiles that they found in a small boutique in a rural coastal town just north of Santa Monica. Each tile is unique and has been hand-painted by a small tribe of Indians who only use natural pigments. Also, they know a Laotian family of expert tile craftsmen that has just arrived in America. They will work 18 hours a day for just $1.40 an hour, and they don’t take breaks.

In apartment 4, Barney and Rose are going crazy. They think a really cool futon would go well in their room. Building on that, Dave suggests a “really cool fish bowl with two goldfish in it – like in those big fishbowls.” Yes, he really said that!

Rose decides they should "do what they know", which means we can expect to see extensive use of laminate countertops and vinyl flooring this week. Coincidentally, Formica and Congoleum are expected to be feature sponsors of this week’s show. Rose also takes this opportunity to insist on those classy vertical blinds she’s been dying to put up. Apparently no home is complete without them. For his part, Dave thinks a trip to the dollar store for some smart looking hardcover books is in order. Hey, nothing says Malibu and “value-added” like the dollar store! Knock yourself out big guy!

Meanwhile, in the upper complex, Steve And Nicole confess they don’t know what the judges are looking for. Separately, Kim/Carl and Scotty/Sam agree that Steve and Nicole don’t have the skills necessary to win. Carl makes the astute observation that if they can get rid of Steve and Nicole, they’ll have a better shot at winning. Nice to see those paint fumes haven’t clouded your thinking there, Carl!

Kim and Sam are shopping at Sears now. Kim is trying to figure out how to approach Sam about changing her allegiance away from the incompetent Steve and Nicole. In case there was any doubt, we are treated to countless clips of S/N’s incompetence, from fouling up the hardwood floors, to screwing up the baseboard trim. Steve confides that if you keep losing and losing and losing, you start to feel like a loser. He’s learning!

Back downstairs, the Brad/Lew express is rolling along. They are building a three-dimensional wall unit. From the upstairs complex, Scotty hears the nail gun and asks what they’re building. After Brad tells him, he retorts that it must be nice to have that kind of time. Hey Scotty, don’t both teams have the same amount of time? And you have TWO couples doing your room!

For her part, Rose is making sure Ana doesn’t know how much money they’ve spent by pretending she doesn’t know how much they’ve spent so far. Of course, she knows, but doesn’t want to spend it all. She doesn’t want Ana to buy something stupid. Ana is suspicious and it sounds like trouble is brewing. This sounds like an excellent time to fling some more mortar. Sling, whap, and there’s mortar all over Roses’s face, though she hardly feels it.

Upstairs, Sam is having trouble assembling a cabinet. After Scott teases her about it, she declares that he must really want no sex for the rest of his life. He tells us he “tried like hell last night and there was no loving. Worked myself up for a let down again I guess”. This is too much information for me.

In lower complex, Rose reveals to Ana that they have $350 left, plus the Sears money. Ana suspects her poor accounting practices are intentional, and declares their friendship with Barney and Rose is over. but they will have to keep up the façade of an alliance. What, you don’t think you can trust Barney and Rose?

In apartment 2, We get various shots of failing construction efforts, including Scott knocking a hole in a perfectly good wall, and Dave screwing up the assembly of a bookcase. However, that’s not the case for Brad/Lew, the golden boys in apartment 3. Ana inspects their handiwork - they’re building a wall unit consisting of multi-dimensional boxes. They asks Ana how the shelves are going and the color leaves her face. Once again Ana states the obvious that they might go father with Brad/Lew than with Barney/Rose. She even realizes that Barney/Rose might hinder them!

Upstairs, Steve and Nicole are working Scotty and Sam to keep their alliance together . It may be the hardest they’ve worked all week and hopefully they’re better at campaigning than carpentry. Scotty and Sam aren’t sure if they should stay allied with them.

Seventy-three minutes to go, and things are chaotic. Brad and Lew didn’t get to do their last-minute shopping, and I wonder what they weren’t able to buy. Do the teams really have to cut things this closely? All the teams are still furnishing their rooms for God’s sake! Some don’t even look close to being finished! However, this time the teams actually finish early – one minute to go and they are admiring their work. The judges are making their way to the complex for inspection.

The Judgements

Apartment 1 (Steve/Nicole)– The architect likes that it looks occupiable right off the bat. The real estate agent likes the interesting design elements, but they don’t tie together. Also, he doesn’t like the way the closet was used. The designer likes the stainless steel and the wood. She says they are improving.

Apartment 2 (Kim/Carl, Scotty/Sam)– The architect likes the level of completion and craftsmanship. The real estate agent would like to see a bigger carpet. The designer likes the bed and dark wood contrasted with the light floors.

Apartment 3 (Brad/Lew)– The architect thinks the finish on the block wall is inconsistent. The real estate agent likes the leather couch, and the room is young fresh, unique and is appropriate for any use. The designer likes the block wall, but not the base molding.

Apartment 4 (Ana/Dave, Barney/Rose) – The architect seems lukewarm and hates the vertical blinds. They are cheap looking . He’s also disappointed with the shelves in the closet. The designer doesn’t like the closet shelves, but likes the chair in the corner of the room. The real estate agent also doesn’t like the closet and the lack of attention to detail in the room.

Meanwhile, Kim is upstairs campaigning to Scotty and Sam to evict Steve and Nicole instead of them. Sam is acting like a mom – I like both of you the same; I don’t want either of you to go.

In lower complex, Dave and Ana tell us their alliance with Barney/Rose is over because Rose is hoarding money and they’d be better off with Brad/Lew. Upstairs again, and Sam is having a meltdown. She made a promise to Steve/Nicole and won’t let the game come in the way of their integrity. Scotty wants to win – he’s ready to jump ship. However, he also wants to get laid after the show ends, so I’m thinking Sam will get her way again.

Time for the lumberyard again. After last week, anything is pretty much going to be anticlimactic, unless gunfire is involved. Tyler takes us through the accounting portion of the show and all we learn is that these couples aren’t nearly as good at spending all their money as the designers on treading Spaces, who rarely have enough leftover for a mocha at Starbucks. Finally we hear that the room adding the most value is the second bedroom in apartment 3, for the third week in a row. Brad and Lew are amazing. Now, we need to find out who’s vulnerable. Tyler asks Steve/Nicole and Carl/Kim to stand up.

Lower complex, Barney/Rose and Brad/Lew are asked to stand up. Steve/Nicole, and Barney/Rose are asked to sit down, leaving Carl/Kim and Brad/Lew on the eviction block. Oh Fox, there you go again, trying to deceive us into thinking both Ana/Dave and Scotty/Sam would abandon their alliances!

Both teams are asked to speak. Carl/Kim accept their fate gracefully – they know they are the new team and thus the odd pair out. Carl says their new teammates have been great, but they are making a huge mistake putting them up for eviction. I guess she’s talking more to Scotty/Sam than Steve/Nicole at this point. Scotty agrees with them, affirming that it’s a horrible mistake. We know who is in charge of the pants in THAT family! Sam is crying again. Brad/Lew only say their teammates did a great job on their unit. Ana responds that they admire their work. Then Ana feels the need to chime in with a dig towards Carl/Kim, saying “don’t flatter yourself when you say we’re trying to vote off the strongest”. Kim shouts her down, but Ana keeps going. Here is where I must interject, and for only the second time this episode, I fling a heavy dose of mortar – this one is aimed squarely at Ana. Also, from what I recall, there are about 20 bricks leftover from last week. Sorry Volsfan, I wanted to save them for you, but I must now throw them en masse at Ana. Barney and Rose are behind her, so I’ll aim high! Ana now gets my vote for one of the most annoying reality TV show contestants ever – right alongside Barney and Rose! SHUT THE EFF UP YOU B!TCH!

Finally, in typical melodramatic FOX fashion we learn that the room………adding…..….the…….. least… ……value……… to the ……….. complex……….. Malibu……… is……… the ……………. second………….…. bedroom………………in……………... apartment…………………………….. <<Commercial break>>

<<Back from commercial>>. To repeat, we find that the……………………..
room……………... adding………….... the……………..… least……………….… value……………… is ……………. the…………….… room…………. in………………………. apartment…….. DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DEE DEE DEE DEE DUHDEE TA DUH……………………. in ……………………… apartment……………………. one! For the third time in a row, Steve and Nicole have lost and they’re still hanging around! Barney, Rose, Ana, and Dave are thrilled because that means they get to wave BYE to Carl/Kim

Brad and Lew are given the choice to return to their original apartment or move to apartment 2 in upper complex, leaving behind all their saved money and bonus money. Eventually they wisely decide to stay where they are. They are the odd couple out either way and they know it.

Host Tyler tells them the only thing they know for sure is there are five couples left and only four apartments. He left out one other thing they know for sure – Steve and Nicole are LOSERS! For their part, Carl and Kim exit gracefully, leaving an encouraging note to their remaining teammates.

Next week:

Upper complex thinks maybe it would be a good idea not to lose for once. Lower complex is having conflicts. And, a surprise twist turns the game upside down – they will be required to have a lesson in teamwork. Turns the game upside down?. Does this mean a tidal wave is going to hit Malibu? Will they be asked to do their best imitation of Poseidon Adventure décor? Tune in on Friday to find out on the next episode of The Complex.

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