LAST EDITED ON 04-03-05 AT 01:46 AM (EST)

The Amazing Race 7, Episode 6 Official Summary:

Rolling through Africa

Previously on the Amazing Race...

Sorry. Phil doesn’t want to talk about it.

It was only about 90 seconds ago, and dammit, you oughta know what happened previously. There was a lot of whining and moaning and sniping and Rawb-hatin and one minor skull fracture.

If you didn’t watch, thank yourself. Now go read the summary by the fabulous JSlice. We’ll wait here. (Not really.)

In case you have amnesia, we’re in Soweto, South Africa, a town so bereft of landmarks that the pit stop was at the end of a dead end street. According to Phil, Nelson Mandela once lived in this housing development. I seem to recall an earlier version of this show where they visited Mandela’s actual prison cell. What happened? Now the best we can do is the empty lot next to a 3BR, 2.5 bath split level with FP and EIK on 1/4 acre in the prestigious Apartheid Ridge section of town? Can these pit stops get any worse? I mean, why not have them just stop in the middle of nowhere and sleep on army cots, ya cheap bastids!

Back to the summary. Again, if you have amnesia, (can I milk the amnesia?) Megadeth & Gravelface, those doddering but lovable old bats, were the last to arrive. The got lost in a cave, she cracked her skull, and gallons of blood were spilled. Miraculously, they were saved by the dreaded non-elimination leg, which I’m sure JSlice enjoyed immensely. These Ancient Mariners are still in the race, but have been seriously penalized. Phil stripped them of all their cash, all their belongings, all their clothes, an underwire bra (Phil’s size), Gravelface’s cranial shunt, Megadeth’s titanium hip joint, two sets of teeth, one pacemaker and a 12-pack of Viagra.

As a mixed blessing, they can continue the race without the benefit of lugging those 260-pound backpacks that have been grinding them into the pavement. They get to keep their passports, but not the defibrillator.

If you recall, TeamTyrant, Rage and Demeana, were the first to arrive, and won possibly the most valuable prize in TAR history, a pair of Toyota RAV4s. Of course, they only need one, since Rage is incapable of driving, unless he can do it from the back seat. So that extra car is available on eBay at this very moment. Tell them Estee sent you.

To get things started, Rage and Demeana are leaving the Pit Stop at 10:41 p.m. They must drive 30 miles to the Rhino and Lion Nature Reserve, where they will get to feed the lions ... when the place opens ... in nine hours.

There will be two shuttles into the reserve; an 8 a.m. ride for the first three groups to arrive, and a 9 a.m. ride for the “sucking teams.” As TeamTyrant leaves the mat, Rage revels in their first place status, and brags that they don’t intend to give it up. For those keeping score on the Hubris-ometer, that’s 5 minutes and 38 seconds into the episode. You can cut to the end right now, where Rage and Demeana are eliminated.
But if you do, you’ll miss a command performance by The Diva Miss Florence NightLynnGale.

In case you thought this On-and-Off Dating Couple might actually begin to function as a team, Rage quickly reminds us why Demeana is sporting multiple contusions. “Demeana has a hard time handling stress,” says stressfactory Rage. “She needs to step up a little bit more and assert her talents where I need them.”

I’m hoping Demeana’s talents include the Steel-Toed Kick Of Excruciating Pain, because Rage needs some serious ass-urting.

America’s Stupidest Soldier (ASS) and his Haggard Arm Trophy (HAT) are the next team to leave, departing at 12:39. They proclaim to the world that they are in better physical shape than all the other teams, based solely upon ASS’s ability to crash a helicopter and HAT’s ability to walk in heels while waving. While they drive to the nature preserve, they witness some lightning in the distance, which ASS compares to the bombing of downtown Baghdad. It’s this kind of military intelligence that has made the war such a quick success.

(Along the way, teams pass the ‘Cradle of Humankind.’ I imagine R. Kelly is there, scouting for dates that might enjoy a good stream of urine.)

Next to depart are the brothers, who confess that they are so close I almost feel compelled to call them TeamBreg. Also, I can’t really tell them apart except that one has nauseating plaid shorts.

ProbablyBrian reads out the clue: “Make your way home and give Mom a great big hug, and then eat all her chicken enchiladas until you enter a food coma.” Oh, such humor. As they drive off, ProbablyBrian hits a curb and says, “Man, am I suckin’ at driving.”
Take notes. That’s an 8.6 on the Foreshadow Scale.

LorettaLynn and Phallix depart at 1:24. With elaborate hand gestures, Lynnette tells us that they are people first, racers second, and sanctimonious prigs at all times. He does not explain the purple doo-rag nor the Amsterdam T-shirt on Phallix. The only accessory missing is the collar and leash.

Because he is a clueless drama queen fvckwit, Lynnsy says half the prize is being here. Given their skills, that’s about the best they can expect.

At 1:33 a.m. Rawb and Ambuh depart. Ambuh says she thinks the other teams don’t really like them, and it’s not going to get better as the race goes on. Rawb says they’re not gonna be getting Christmas cahds from these people.

Of course, it would help if he could remember who they are. He reminds us that Megadeth and what’s-his-name will get no money. (Rawb: His name is Gravelface.)

ProbablyBrian and ProbablyGreg arrive at the cathouse and sign up for the last spot on the first shuttle. eveLynn and Phallix arrive next... and they get the first spot on the second shuttle. Lynnda says: “We’re with all the sucking people.”

Yes, he said “The Sucking People.”

HugeHenna and Choice cast off at 2:20 a.m. Choice says that their marriage was rocky at the beginning of the race, but now things look hopeful and things are going the right way. Can’t say the same for HugeHenna’s driving, because TeamInVitro proceeds off in the wrong direction.

Finally, Megadeth and Gravelface leave at 3:51. Despite Phil’s insistence that they complete the race in yesterday’s blood-soaked clothes, and Megadeth’s claiming they are supposed to go bare naked, they are, thankfully, completely attired in fresh duds. And I must say, Megadeth’s bright white shirt matches nicely with the huge Band-Aid holding Gravelface’s skull together.

They get no money, but they do have plastic shopping bags to hold their passports. We get a close up of Gravelface’s abrasions, and she says it feels like someone took sandpaper and scraped her face, but she’s alive and happy to be alive.

Rawb & Ambuh arrive at the preserve, and Rawb jokes about erasing Lynndsay & Phallix from the board. Eventually, Megadeth and Gravelface arrive, followed by TeamInVitro, which managed to get lost in Africa while that marriage was going the right way.

Before the preserve opens, the old folks go around to the other teams begging for cash. They collect money from the Birdcage Boys, TeamInVitro, ASSHAT, and Breg. Rawb avoids them, and says he won’t give them any money, claiming the old folks are the biggest con artists there. Rage refuses Megadeth’s request, saying he might give them something later in the leg. Then, in an appalling moment of hubris, he tells the camera that he wants them eliminated. “Megadeth and Gravelface to me are sacrificial lambs, I want to see them be eliminated and I don’t want to help prolong this agony for them any longer. I’m just thinking of them.”

(Did you like watching that clip on The Early Show, dickhead?)

Strategy tangent: Assisting a weak team is not always a bad idea. If the weak team survives, one of your stronger opponents will be eliminated. Just make sure it’s not you. I’m surprised Rawb missed this, since The Alliance of The Weak is such a staple of Survivor.

The cathouse pimp finally calls the first teams into the safari tour trolley, where they are told they must remain seated even if a lion jumps into the vehicle. There are buckets of meat, and bright red gloves for everyone. No one seems to mind that the lion chow and the bright red gloves are the same color, and thus the difference is perhaps not quite fully discernible to hungry lions.

In a bit of romantic character development, ASS tells HAT, “If he jumps on me, Kelly, I’m throwing him you.” She fails to laugh.

Off we drive into the safari park, where many lions are wandering around. One jumps up and puts her paws on the edge of the truck, and the guide slaps her in the nose. Ooh, scary. I guess these aren’t really wild animals. These are well-fed, overgrown domesticated house cats. A real pack of lions would have dragged these people under the truck and chewed their legs off by now. We’d be watching it on pay-per-view. And cheering for the lions. So this is damnably lame.

Teams finish and receive a clue. It’s time to fly to Gabardine, Botswana, where they will experience a 440-mile train and bus ride to find a giant aardvark statue. Quivering in anticipation, these teams drive off for Johannesburg airport.

The Sucking Teams get in the safari truck, and nervously joke about the lions. GingerLynn is fretting frantically. Phallix reminds him he wanted to sight see, to which he responds “I wanted to see giraffes.” (He likes those long throats.)

Off they go, with Rawb reminding everyone this looks like a scene from Jurassic Park. Simba and Kimba and Fluffy and Cuddles and Patches are waiting patiently for the truck, but HugeHenna won’t even look at them. Eventually everyone feeds the cathouse pets, and away they go.

Team ASSHAT is the first to arrive at the airport, and find that Air Botswana has the earliest flight. Breg arrives and gets on the same flight. Rage bitches at Demeana over her driving, but they still manage to get on the same flight.

Back at the cathouse, The Sucking Teams open their envelopes. Rawb announces they have to find the giant “ard-va-dark.” TaylorLynn and Phallix leave first. Megadeth And Gravelface decide to blindly follow. Rawb and Ambuh decide to follow as well, letting Team Birdcage do all the hard work. And these three teams drive off in the wrong direction.

HugeHenna and Choice look at the map. They leave last, but in the right direction for once, and are laughing at the others. Soon the three misguided teams arrive at a toll plaza and are told they have to turn around to get to the airport. HugeHenna praises Choice for navigating them into the airport, and they arrive just in time for the 12:30 Air Botswana flight. (“We’re not idiots!” Choice exclaims.)

The old farts and the TV stars arrive at the airport and get tickets for a 1:35 flight. Team Birdcage misses another exit and end up driving into the middle of Johannesburg. They are “super scared” because black people are really scary. (Now if Kendra were here, she’d just run them over.) Oh Heavens, “it looks like Compton” which is code for any place that isn’t South Beach or Fire Island.

Eek!! There are poor black men approaching their car!
Oh! The Drama!!!

We cut to commercials ...

Simon Cowell is a Gnome... Chili’s is replacing those flavorless cast-iron skillets with a new Savory Skillet (dental work not included) ... Fabulous new Tylenol rapid release gelcaps; it’s aspirin with holes ... International spies can leap off buildings because UPS is there ... Maybelline offers a new mousse for women who need to look orange ... quit smoking with ‘help’ from PhilipMorris ... Letterman’s got Brittany Murphy, and someone dropped a skillet in the chili ... CSI:NY, or Can’t Stand Ibrehem: Non-playin’ Yutz ... Survivor is back on Thursday, and apparently things are not going well for the Ulong tribe ...The galaxy’s biggest media market takes a news break to tell us about a deadbeat dad’s shoot-out with the cops ... the Hyundai Sonata has a commitment to initial quality. Oh sure initial quality is good. But you can’t really count on it. Heck, look at The Apprentice ... Lots of people jump up and down at the suggestion they can travel to Canada, which The Amazing Race will never visit ... Speaking of frozen wastelands, that’s where you’ll find the ignition switch for the next overpriced Lexus.

When we return from commercials, Team Birdcage is lost in the Johannesburg ghetto, by which we mean any place that doesn’t look like Long Beach.

Phallix decides the best thing to do is to pull over and ask for directions. AmberLynn tells him to pick someone who looks the “least likely to have a gun.” Phallix picks a group of people and Lynnita comments, “Ohhh yea... it’s Tupac.”

Yes, they are people first, racers second, sanctimonious prigs AND racist drama queens. There’s really nothing quite as revolting as a flamboyant, intolerant, aberrant sodomite.

Naturally, the folks on the street are extremely helpful, despite their evil nature as indicated by their skin color, living conditions and economic status. One African jumps in his own car and leads the Birdcage Boys to the airport in time to make that 1:35 plane.

The first flight lands in Gabarone, and teams taxi to the rail station, where they learn the only train departs at 9 p.m. The brothers share a ride with ASSHAT in a minibus/taxi.

The second plane arrives at Gabarone, and teams begin looking for taxis. Phallix and RebeccaLynn find a minibus, and are the only passengers. As the bus begins to leave, Rawb and Ambuh arrive, and try to convince the driver to stop and let them on. TeamBirdcage insists there are no seats available. The driver does stop and Rawb opens the door, pointing out that there are plenty of seats. GeriLynn and Phallix refuse to share the ride.

PorscheLynn: “I love to see Rawb pissed off, it makes me so happy. If that had been any other team we would have let them on the bus. But I just didn’t want to have to share a cab with them. I like my air conditioning and I don’t want to be crowded.”

Somebody yank this smug bastard’s feeding tube. That would be Phallix.

Rawb, of course, is fuming. “He spazzed out like a little girl. ‘Rawb, Rawb there’s no room.’ Meanwhile, he’s stretched out like he’s on a cahpet ride.” This is Rawb, unhappy, because another team did exactly what Rawb would have done? Chalk up a point for insolent TeamBirdcage, but I still hate their guts.

Megadeth is back at the airport looking for a taxi to the train station, using the internationally respected, U.N.-approved communication device: He’s chanting “choo choo, choo choo.” (Megadeth reminds me of the ancient golfer in the movie Caddyshack ... “Hoo, I’m hot today.”)

While waiting for the train, Rawb confronts the Birdcage Boys, who still insist there just wasn’t enough room in the bus. Rawb argues, eventually saying “We can play like that.”

Later, Rawb gets nasty. “CaroLynn’s got his head up his ass. He might be able to run Phallix like a little farmboy, but he can’t treat everybody like that. I’m done being nice. It’s getting to be crunch time now with six teams left. Everybody’s being nice giving Gravelface and Megadeth money this morning, playing the Good Samaritan. (“Not everybody,” interjects Evil Ambuh.) “I’m not even sure she fell down. He might have pushed her just for effect so people would feel bad for her.”

Romber-bashers, you can have that one. I think he was kidding, but it wasn’t as funny as calling Phallix a farmboy.

All seven teams finally depart on the all-night train, and switch to a bus that takes them to the Giant Ard-va-dark. The odd thing is just sitting there alongside the road. After the bus stops and 14 lunatics disembark, they are chased by a small biplane which swoops down over their heads, passing about 20 feet above the ground. Why? Never explained. But Cary Grant was not present.

It’s time for a Roadblock. One person has to complete a hunting/training exercise created by bushmen. They must throw a spear 20 feet and hit a swinging old bag. (No, you can’t aim at Gravelface.)

ProbablyBrian, ASS, Rawb, KristiLynn, Choice, Rage and Megadeth all become African spear-chuckers, with the help of 4-foot-2, thong-wearing bushmen. ProbablyBrian nicknames his 684-year-old bushman Yoda. This is pretty pathetic. Most of them can’t throw at all. Eventually ProbablyBrian finishes and gets the clue from clap-happy Yoda. The next clue directs them to drive 35 miles to a remote cattle post in Xau Xarra. Because they are in the wild African bush, a safety guide will ride in the car. (This guy’s lucky day.)

Using his extensive military training, ASS completes the task. MickeyLynn finishes third, helped immeasurably by the fact he was only 6 inches away from that swinging wrinkled bag.

Team ASSHAT drives off first, and ASS brags to the world that he’s driven a military Humvee through the desert, and no one else here has done that. I was hoping HAT would point out that no one else in the race ever put their hands up in complete unconditional surrender, either. (OK, there was that one time in South Beach...)

TeamTyrant collects a clue from the bushman, who also claps like a seal. Rage yells at Demeana to hurry, she responds by telling him to have some patience for once. HugeHenna finishes next, and they can’t find their bags. Megadeth is sixth, and Rawb gets very frustrated over finishing last. Still, Romber manages to get their safari jeep moving before the perpetually lost TeamInVitro.

Jeeps are now zipping down the dirt road. ProbablyBrian parodies JamieLynn’s girlish giggle, and we cut to HeatherLynn squealing, “Ohmigod, this is so Indiana Jones.”

Rawb takes advantage of a donkey cart in the road to pass Megadeth and Gravelface. He then passes TeamTyrant, giving Rage another reason to punch Demeana in the back of the head (where the bruises won’t show so much.)

Finally, we get the moment we’ve been anticipating. TeamBreg is speeding along, and ProbablyBrian comments that if he hits the sand just off the road, well gee, the whole truck really slips sideways. Yes, he’s stupid enough to do it anyway: He hits the sand just off the road, and rolls the truck. Cameraman, safety guy and assorted brothers all thrash about violently. ProbablyGreg screams ProbablyBrian’s name.

Dramatic shots of a broken windshield, a broken mirror, a car on its side with hood dangling... another car drives by, filming a body sprawled next to the wreck.

CARNAGE!!!

But first...
Mom can see anything, including molecules of food left on dishes ... Minivans make dad special. Impotent, puzzywhipped and emasculated, but still remarkably special. Unless he does something manly and cool, like rolling it over and killing a cameraman ... Lorraine Braco says it is OK to be crazy, unless you are depressed because The Sopranos is in hiatus ... Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn are protecting the American President, which strains the boundaries of fiction ... Wal-Mart makes a mom’s life simple with one-stop shopping for handguns and honeydews ... CBS promos for Without a Trace of Talent, and God gets a new bitch-ho on Joan of Narcadia ... and we return.

Not much has changed in the Botswanian bush. The brothers have rolled their jeep, and their cameraman is seriously injured. Luckily, there is camera rolling... HEY... wait a minute. Who is shooting this dramatic footage of the injured cameraman? Was there a spare cameraman in the trunk? Why are there at least five people milling around? There’s a woman on the ground next to the injured guy. Who is that? This is mass confusion. The worst disaster in TAR history! A cameraman has been seen on TV!

Defcon4!! Code Orange!!!

To the Bat-poles!

A crisis of epic proportions. The kind of crisis that absolutely requires flamboyant and dramatic gestures from the hands of unqualified, agitated drama queens.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we now present ... The Diva Miss Florence NightLynnGale.

Yes, it’s not enough that that medical personnel have seemingly materialized out of thin air. It’s not enough that production team members have arrived in force. It’s not enough that a helicopter is available to whisk that injured employee away.

It’s just a fact: No one, no one, is more useful in a medical emergency than preening overwrought gay executive assistants from Hollywood.

Thankfully, Dr. Phallix and The Diva Florence NightLynnGale stop their jeep and jump out to halt the bloodshed. (Can we help? Can I give you boys a backrub? A sponge bath?)

ProbablyBrian and ProbablyGreg respond by politely asking these gawking, distraught bystanders to please leave. As in: Go. Continue the race. Get lost. Take your fluttering, nauseating mock concern, get back in your intact jeep, and get the hell out of the way.

LEAVE? And miss the drama!! Oh, my heavens, no!! There’s hand-wringing to be done ... and fretting ... and fussing ... Oh my! We are vexed!

Down the road comes the next team, which just happens to be Rawb and Ambuh. They look at the swarm of people alongside the tipped jeep, and keep on driving.

Rawb: “This is a competition, but we don’t want anybody to get hurt.”
Cut to the accident scene.
Phallix: “That was Rawb and Ambuh, wasn’t it?”
The Diva Florence NightLynnGale: “That’s so typical of the their game. He has no idea how important it is to been seen as caring and supportive while simultaneously causing serious impediment during the production team’s medical emergency. Didn’t they notice the injured man! And he was a white guy!! From HOLLYWOOD!!! Ahghhhh, it’s all too awful!!!!”

Rawb (still driving): “There’s no way we’re stopping. It’s still a competition. Let’s not get crazy.”

Rawb, we are well beyond crazy.

Meanwhile, back on this planet, Team ASSHAT arrives at the clue box to find a detour: Food or Water.

In Food, teams must use a pair of poles and a hollow stump to smash 100 tons of corn into flour. Botswanian native women will sift the corn to make sure it is fine enough, and teams must fill a basket with this finely ground flour.

In Water, teams use reed straws to suck water from an underground spring, and fill 12 ostrich eggs, which must then be corked and buried for storage. Ten minutes, tops.

It’s quite obvious that the corn-grinding is more tedious, more time consuming and more tiring. And that’s an easy choice: ASSHAT decides to pound corn.

Back at the crash site, The Diva Florence NightLynnGale has finally bitchslapped the situation into submission. There’s not enough drama left, so TeamBirdcage decides to get back in the race. This gives GinaLynn another opportunity to say bad things. He calls Rawb & Ambuh “awful pigs.”

There’s no telling if any of this is chronological, but TeamTyrant is the next to drive near the crash site, and they shout over to ask if everything is OK before driving on. Demeana comments that she is the only woman driving a stick shift in this race. Rage says, “This is your role. Do it. Don’t complain.” Demeana contemplates rolling the jeep.

Megadeth are Gravelface are bumping along the road, and she wants him to slow down because she doesn’t like having her bladder in her chest cavity, particularly now that Phil confiscated the Depends. They drive past the accident, and ProbablyBrian waves them on. Right behind them are TeamInVitro, who ask if everything is OK before driving away.

ProbablyBrian and ProbablyGreg are now sad because they are in last place. They are waiting for a replacement car to arrive, but elimination seems certain.

Ah, but that corn pounding is a lot of work. ASS takes off his shirt. The Botswanian women stare, having never before seen such a worthless white man. ASSHAT finishes their first ration of corn, and have a truly pitiful amount of flour for the time and effort. Perhaps it is because they can’t master the complicated in-and-out rhythm of 1-2-1-2-1-2.

Rawb and Ambuh arrive, read the clue. Rawb says pounding the corn is going to be too hard. They opt to do the water. JacqueLynn and Phallix arrive next. Inexplicably, they do not choose the challenge that involves vigorous sucking on a big straw. Instead, they are enthralled by the big, pounding rods.

Rawb & Ambuh fill their first egg, and he decides to dig a ditch by pounding away at the dirt. Nothing dysfunctional in this relationship: She sips the straw, and he pounds the hole.

While the Birdcage Boys grind corn, they decide to grind Rawb & Ambuh as well. They tell ASSHAT about the lives they personally saved at the fiery crash site. And Ambuh & Rawb? They actually swerved into the crowd, crushing several cameramen and a visiting bishop, all while chuckling gleefully.

ASSHAT begins working harder because, “Rawb and Ambuh do not deserve. No quitting.” But it isn’t helping. They still have to pound corn.

After TeamBirdcage pounds some corn, they ask one of the Botswanian women to inspect, and JasmineLynn calls her “darling.” She gives them a withering glare and a short head shake. Lynnella responds: “This is stupid.” Phallix wants to quit, “Honey, I’m done,” but ShonnaLynn pushes him to “keep going, keep going, keep going, I’m not there yet. Ahhhggggh... oh hurt me you bitch.”

Finally, Team ASSHAT has filled the flour bowl. The get the final clue, which directs them to drive seven miles to the Makgadikgadi Pans, a large dry lake bed that is now a salt flat.

No litter-strewn lot on a dead end street this time: It’s a pit stop in the middle of the African nowhere, completely flat in every direction as far as the eye can see. And there are army cots for the first six teams to arrive. That ought be nice and cozy.

OK, the end is near. You are bored with this thing and so am I. Plus I have places to be and booty calls and stuff too. So we are picking up the pace.

Rawb and Ambuh finish, while RambaLynn and Phallix have a hissy little spat over the rice, uh, corn. Megadeth & Gravelface arrive and start pounding corn. TeamTyrant arrives and does the same, but with some added ego pounding by Rage.

Finally, a back up vehicle arrives for the brothers. As they drive away (and yeah, they let ProbablyBrian drive) they say a prayer for the safety of their injured cameraman.

Corn pounding. Hissy fits. Girlfriend berating. And why does Demeana have a black eye? Choice helps HugeHenna by staying five feet away while he does all the work.

Two jeeps arrive at the Pit Stop together, but ASSHAT outruns Romber to finish first. They get no prize at all. Rawb and Ambuh come to the mat, and Phil asks them if they saw the wreck by the side of the road. “Did you guys stop at all?”

“NO MOM! WE DIDN’T! They are your employees, you go breastfeed them! We are in a race!”

More damn corn pounding. NikkiLynn says he’s been pounded so hard he’s in a numb stage where it doesn’t hurt. Rage and Demeana are truly incompetent, Choice is finally helping, and the old folks are actually singing along while they smash the corn. Lynnsuela calls to them: “Go get it, pirates.” There’s more subtext there than we can explain on a PG-13 message board.

TeamInVitro finishes and runs off. TeamBirdcage finishes, and prances off. TeamTyrant is just finished. Rage belts Demeana with the stick and says they have no teamwork. She stops and says he should just finish it himself. And we cut to commercials ...

Roaming gnome ... no kid wants to grow up to be Moneyman, which is why we’re all broke ... New Dial foaming hand wash saves you the chore of actually rubbing soap on your hands ... The Midas Touch now includes full body massage and a happy ending ... There’s a new Multi-surface Pledge, which is actually, shh, a clean paper towel ... If you want your child to be good at baseball, pump him full of drugs, but get something better than Claritin ... the Amityville Horror movie, a true story which is truly based on an true absolute hoax ... A flock of locusts is descending on CBS, and those are just the Big Brother 6 auditions ... Local news tease: Salon shampoos, the hair-raising secret story; Generalissimo Rudy Guiliani is joining a Texas law firm; troops back from Iraq, because they forgot to surrender ... Toyota’s got more cars than there are humans in Japan ... Scotts Turf Builder, which has fortified this commercial break into mammoth proportions, and what did I say about picking up the pace?...

We return to find TeamTyrant and TeamGeritol still pounding corn as the brothers arrive for the Detour. Breg sees the two remaining teams doing the Food challenge, and they immediately run for the Water. It’s their only chance. And of course, this is the easier and faster choice.

HugeHenna and Choice check in third. And no one cares.

Lynndie and Phallix check in fourth, and take the opportunity to tell the world they would have finished second, but their superpowers were needed to save humanity at the 187-car inferno that engulfed a continent. “Sometimes you have to stop and do the right thing.” In this case, the right thing required fluttering purple handkerchiefs, fawning affectations, and impeding rescue workers.

Corn pounding. America Held Hostage, Day 444. Rage encourages Demeana: “You bitch way too much. God, it’s depressing doing this with you.” ProbablyBrian and ProbablyGreg have completed half their eggs. The elderly pirates finish and check in fifth, their best finish yet. TeamTyrant continues to bicker. The brothers begin to bury their 12 filled eggs.

TeamTyrant finally finishes pounding corn. At the same moment, ProbablyBrian and ProbablyGreg finish burying the eggs. Both teams rip open clues and rush for the jeeps. Off we speed toward the pit stop, with Demeana driving ahead of ProbablyBrian.

The brothers anticipate a foot race to the mat, and ProbablyBrian tells ProbablyGreg to take off his seat belt. Despite recent events, he unstraps. The two jeeps arrive together.

It’s nice when the whole race can turn on moments of sheer stupidity. Demeana asks Rage if they need to grab their stuff, and he says, “I’m sure we do.” And they linger in the jeep, collecting their detritus.

The brothers drive up, leap from the rolling jeep, and sprint for the mat. There is no contest here. Rage can’t outrun Breg. Demeana can’t run at all after those crippling body blows back at the Detour. The brothers easily whip past TeamTyrant and beat them by 50 yards. Hugs and tears as they step on the mat.

They are so happy, to have rolled the damn car, and yet still be standing on the mat. It’s a beautiful thing. After they are done celebrating, Phil reminds them that actual humans were harmed during the filming of this episode, but that the cameraman will be OK.

Oh yeah, that guy. You know, we would have finished second except we were forced to entertain two swishy drama queens after that cameraman made us stop.

Phil’s done with the self-absorbed crybaby brothers, and gestures for the self-absorbed crybaby Rage to approach the mat. And bring your punching bag.

Rage and Demeana are Philiminated, and Rage says, “we deserved to be. We were awful.”

Phil asks if the race has brought them closer together. (If he means within punching distance, then yes.)

Rage responds like a man in love. “To be brutally honest, I don’t know if I can accept Demeana as she is.”

Demeana responds like... well, like a woman with a black eye and split lip. “I definitely want the relationship to work. He just needs to realize that this relationship has two people. Rage is not always gonna get what he wants, unless I’m unconscious.”

Rage sums up their relationship: We need to figure out what’s holding us together that would be Demeana and what’s ripping us apart." That would be you, dickhead.

How does it end for these two? The next morning, on The Early Show, they announced their engagement.

Stay tuned for the Dr. Phil special, and the inevitable Christmas Eve boat ride, and the feeding tube coverage on CNN.


On the next Amazing Race: The Birdcage Boys like it rough, but puncture a rubber. Oh, OK, they get a flat tire. HAT realizes that ASS is a “piece of trash redneck.” And don’t miss the recap, where ShaLynnda and Phallix reprise their fruity choreography, HugeHenna flips for airline delays, and Rawb smugly taunts the other teams.

Edited to fix the typos, because Coco might read this.

These reality show contestants need a reality check!