LAST EDITED ON 07-19-06 AT 10:24 AM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 07-19-06 AT 01:32 AM (EST)

Edited to add: Episode Three Four! Episode Three Four! OMG, I effed up the intro. *hangs head in shame* and *raises butt for impending spank*

Last time on Media Whores of All Time, Kaysar won HoH and we glossed over the whole "Congratulations Nakomis!" spectacle so that Casting Couch Julie could save face.

Now, Danielle, having outlasted Aliwhore, is in the DR, doing her trademark countdown: "Twelve more weeks of Ghoulie Chen, folks. Twelve.more.weeks."

The ho's all hug and check themselves for wounds and crabs after Alislut leaves and her picture turns black and white. Danielle sucks up to Janie, because the feared Season 6 people, an alliance of FOUR, somehow outnumbers the other NINE idiots in the house.

So now Nak and Diane are ascared because they voted for Danielle, and they realize they didn't get the memo.

Jase tells us that Howie also didn't get the memo from BB5. When Kaysar won HoH, Howie started humping Kay's leg.

Janie, in an odd little Swiss Miss dress, and Howie are trying to tell Kaysar who to nominate because "we" won HoH.

Dr. Will thinks that everyone needs Botox, so he can get rich and stop doing reality shows. He publicly berates Howie for his forehead wrinkles. Kaysar gets into a debate with Will about Botox, but I can't pick up what they're saying, because I'm a little struck by the two hot doods in black. I do know that Kaysar, with Erika and Janie sitting right there, says that he is disgusted with women like Erika and Janie who stuff themselves with plastic bags to make their breasts bigger. To their credit, Erika and Janie respond by staring blankly.

Okay, Howie is all "come see our HoH room!" and the hampsters are all "ooh" and "aah" over how the HoH is different. Yes, you heard it right, one of this seasons "twists" will be that the HoH will be custom-designed according to the current HoH. This means that Erika will have a silicone mattress, Howie will have breast-shaped pillows, and Diane's room will be trailer-park chique.

The Others leave the HoH and much whispered stuff ensues. It ends with Kaysar DR'ing that he wants to get "the most bang for his buck." Coincidently, when we return from commercials, Kaysar is slaying Erika on the pooltable. That man can weild his cue, but then Erika is an easy opponent. We learn that she is just off a five-year "shomance" with Josh, the gay guy from BB1. Erika thinks Kaysar has good advice for a 30-year-old virgin who's never been in love. Erika looks like she's fifty when she cries. She shouldn't do that. Oh wait! Her dog died. Okay, it's alright to cry over the dog. But Josh? Ew.

Now we have the Will and Howie show, where Whitey Will is being teased about his pastiness by Poppinfresh. I mean, Howie.

(Who's that old guy with orange hair doing the dishes? Do they let production in to do the housework now?)

More Will and Howie, more Howie and Will. Will insults Howie, tells him he shouldn't be on the show. Howie looks like his feelings are hurt, but it's probably just the editing, since it takes a brain to feel emotion, and Howie hath no brain.

In the hottub, Will is doing business with Jase and Booger. Jase runs and tells Janie what they're talking about, Janie trusts him, Jase goes back and tells Chilltown what Janie said. Will thanks him by offering him a spot to crash at his house in LA.

Food competition time. My girl kitten starts mewing wildly: "Yay! Finally something interesting!" The hampsters dress up in overalls. Marcie is ogling Jase, and so am I. So is Howie.

The backyard is done up like a barnyard. There's a trough full of slop. In keeping with this year's theme of BB's gone by, the slop consists of Nakomis' vomit from BB5, David's vomit and other bodily fluids from BB4, and Jase and Scott's bathwater from BB5.

Here they go! Watch the idiots bouncing toward the trough, sticking their heads in the vile putridness, grabbing rats by the mouth, and taking them back to the starting point. Marcellus says he's a big one for a facial, but he didn't like this. Boogie, ever the gentleman, takes the opportunity to blatantly grab Diane's #####. She didn't seem to mind.

The cool kids win. Booger exclaims that he is NOT eating slop this week. That's right, not only is he not eating in one of his restaurants, but he isn't eating slop in the BB house. Janie remarks that the slop reminds her of prison food, except that in prison, she would do "special favours" for the warden to get out of eating the same slop as everyone else. Not this time. She wouldn't touch Les Moonves with a ten-foot pole.

Now Howie is doing his stupid Jedi crap again, and he seems to have recruited some production assistant, who is in the backyard, possibly cleaning the pool. Howie plays with the production assistant for awhile, prior to being called in for supper by his Mommy.

Now we have a meeting of the Master Strategists from both sides, Kaysar on behalf of Team Last Year and Will and Boogie from Chill Town, Population Two. They speak in tongues. Did they make a deal or not? Only the live feeders know for sure.

It's time for nominations. Kaysar does the fake-thoughtful-pondering over the pictures routine. He lays the keys out on the box, slowly, one by one, and twirls the box around a few times, until he gets the cue from that fat production guy to do the deed.

And so the cows are being led to the slaughter. One by one, they gather around the table. Howie is safe, Jase is safe, James is safe, Janelle is safe, Marcellus is safe, Erika is safe, Danielle is safe, Booger is safe, Will is safe...hell, even the old fat production guy is safe.

That means Nakomis and Diane have been branded with the branding stick of doom, and shall burn in the Hot Ambers of all tribal council fires gone by, for all eternity, or at least until the end of the summer.

Rolly made this.
Desperate Housecats