Kaysar will only do so once. As we all know, the most powerful force in this country is the need to uncover terrorists. And as we also know, under the current administration, anyone who likes a Muslim is considered to be a potential terrorist ally (unless said Muslim owns an oil company, in which case, they are our most valuable allies and yes, I'm happy to pay $3.89.9 a gallon, happy!). So vote for Kaysar if you want to, but by the time Homeland Security finishes processing your new rap sheet and lets you out of detention, you'll have missed the entire season. By the way, your scheduled release date is 'never'.

Alison voters will be a vocal lot. They'll preach the virtues of their heroine up and down the streets of America. 'Who else here has been on two shows?', they'll ask. 'Has any other person beaten a pair of casting processes to get on television while possessing no redeeming qualities whatsoever? Feel the power of the Alison!' And they'll have a point, really they will. What they won't have is a huge tally of votes, because none of these people have the brains required to turn on a computer. So Alison's not riding the fan vote in, but luckily, she has the sterling personality required for the producers to let her in anyway. And what are the features of that sterling personality? Repeat after me: 'no redeeming qualities whatsoever'.

You'd think Howie's fan base would have an advantage here since Star Wars geeks not only know how to use computers, but can design and execute bulk vote programs. Really, you would think that. The problem is that Howie's fan base is nowhere near a computer. They're all standing in line. Apparently someone released a rumor that says Episode VII will be filmed this summer, but only if they all go to their local theaters and stay there until the first tickets get sold -- strictly as a show of support, just to prove the movie can make a profit. So there they are, and there they stay, there's no portables allowed in the lines because they might be used to hack into the ticket system, and Howie won't see any votes. He can't even campaign, because he's the fifth person in line. Now who could the mysterious Lucasfilm source known only as 'W.K' be...?

Ivette actually has a decent voter pool to work with, but it's not going to be enough. Y'see, thanks to recently-passed Constitutional legislation, any vote cast in America for a lesbian only counts as 3/5 of a normal vote. This means Ivette needs her entire fan base, and then she needs to get an extra 66% on top of that just to break even, and then she has to hope the 'special discussion squads' from the AFA and PTC don't finish herding everyone into the re-education camps discussion sites before the season begins. Actually, Ivette really needs to make the house, if only for reasons of personal safety. Too bad Tushy will have been brainwashed logically convinced of her own straightness by the time Ivette gets out.

Michael's voters will be heard from as soon as someone explains the concept of 'voting' to them. Also the concepts of 'computer', 'television', 'reality shows', and, not least by any means, 'bipedal movement'. This is expected to take a few million years of evolution, and we'll know we've finished when half of them deny that 'evolution' exists. That'll probably take us past the closing date, so Michael's doomed.

Jase has an advantage in that his potential voter base is already online. In the chat rooms, all over the Internet, talking to each other constantly. They have to talk to each other because they came online to pick up 'hot chicks, dude!', all of whom fled from the onslaught of hormones the instant they caught the first delicate whiff of desperation sweet. But Jase's boys are still online, talking to each other about their workout programs in that private langauge that never quite resembles English, waiting for the next female to show up, which will surely happen any minute now. And since their total attention spans and long-term memory equals fifty-nine seconds, they have no idea how long they've been waiting. So you may be able to convince someone to vote for Jase -- you certainly know where to find them. But you'll have to work fast.

Next?

(Y'know, after the joke that was the A.S.S. vote, I never thought I'd be doing this again...)

• RE: The majority of people who vote for...,rjrabbit, 00:36 AM, 06-25-06

I do NOT want to see Michael or Nakomis on BBAS! Michael is just plain stupid and NOT nearly as entertaining as he thinks he is. Nakomis was just plain boring on her season.

I do want to see Janelle and Howie back. I could even stand to Ivette. I didn't like her during her season but she did make me want to watch and see what stupid thing she would say or do next.