Previously on Big Brother 6…

The Earth was a formless void, a molten ball coming together after the birth of the sun. Slowly our oceans formed, and our continents began to shift into place. Somehow a little bitty cell got started. Life! Dinosaurs came along sometime, but they didn’t catch on too well. Eventually, humans evolved and went from a solitary hunting/gathering lifestyle to civilization, all building up to the point where we’d one day get to sit and watch them on a summer filler reality show. Oh yeah, and Cappy got evicted, but the Manson family he left behind managed to get control of the house and put up Kaysar and James Janelle. And here we are.

Seriously. We joke about it, but these recaps are ridiculous. This show is on three times a week, and it’s not like somebody is going to stumble casually on it. We know what’s going on. We’re even smart enough to figure out that faux-artsy, blue-tinted stuff means it’s footage we’ve already seen.

And count me in “the new music sucks” bandwagon. Remember when Zack Morris formed that band with his friends? It sounds like that song they played. “Friends Forever,” wasn’t it called? How appropriate! Just stay away from the caffeine pills if you’re going to play it.

It’s eviction night, so we get to watch Julie methodically read her cue cards and slowly turn to make sure she's facing the right camera. And why does she still insist on identifying these people by their name, occupation and hometown? You could ask me to list 12 things about James, and I’d never get to the fact that he’s a “loss prevention manager” or whatever fake title he puts on his business card. Since she’s basically recapping the recap, why doesn’t she just say: “The flack of the asshole who left last time took charge. She nominated the serpent who thinks he’s a lot smarter than he is and the cute guy with a big mouth. The serpent’s self-loathing girlfriend won the veto, took him off and the flack put up the sanest person in the house.”

We’re treated with some pointless strategizing between the Manson family and their only slightly less annoying counterparts. Everyone is upset at the serpent and want to get rid of him. So upset that they might be willing to call a truce to get rid of him. Kaysar thinks it’s a drastic step. I think it’s a waste of a segment.

Julie turns to her interviews with the houseguests. The first hard-hitting question goes to Jennifer. In case you haven’t heard, if your name is Jennifer, and you’re on a reality show, you’re contracted to get as little airtime as possible. But Julie asked us the question we’re all dying to know: What would Jenn do if she won a million dollars? Jenn said she’d share it give a little to charity and kind of shrugs. Well, it’s good to know that they’ve given about as much thought to the prize as they have to their methods of getting to it.

Advil – whose overdone drawl ironically creates headaches rather than curing them – is apparently married to a kitchen appliance, a sofa or some other asexual object, because Julie, wanting to know about her birthday card from said husband, asks: “What was it like to hear from that after all this time?” I’ll spare you the nonsense answer. But if she ever says Pepperoni again, I’ll go find that dog, slice it into small circular pieces and mail it to her on a freeze-dried peanut butter and jelly pizza.

Oh, and thanks, Julie, for opening the door for Shiekvette Macguyver’s 10,000th explanation of the “ghetto slide.” News flash. Dripping some water on some trash bags and jumping on them is not a fun invention. If it was, the bums in New York wouldn’t need liquor to drown their sorrows.

Let me break from the summary for a second. I have a very serious question. Do you think Cappy would approve of this summary? I keep staring at my WWCD bracelet, and it’s really got me worried. And so are the houseguests. It seems even since Cappy left, no one can talk, sneeze or wipe their butt without wondering if it’s what Cappy would have done if he were still in the house. Second news flash. If I was playing a game, I think the last thing I would do is model my strategy after the dumbass who finished third-to-last. Shriekvette seems to be the Squeaky Fromme of this Manson family, meaning she’s a whiny bitch who’s too stupid to assassinate a president who could practically trip onto the bullets himself.

Almost as bad as the Cappy worship, however, is the “Jedis'” (if these people were Jedis, Palpatine would have fried their planet eons ago) imitation of Cappy. I hate it when people think they’re really funny and they’re not. Reminds me of McBain’s Woody Allen impression. {German accent} “I’m a neurotic little nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.” Third news flash. Crawling around on your knees and murmuring and groaning is not a Cappy impression. That’s an impression of Beau after some bad meth at the bathhouse.

If Maggie is a little Eric, would you need a microscope to see her?

This whole Cappy segment – and Maggie’s interview in the HOH room – reminds me of that scene in “Being John Malkovich,” when John Malkovich goes through the portal. The conversation is nothing but “Cappy, Cappy, Cappy, Cappy, Cappy…” And then they end with Cappy’s picture coming to life and smiling. I woke up in a sweat with that image in my head last night. And not in a LadyT sort of way.

Vote alert!
Hornie: I want to do Janelle. Kaysar has a big yap.
Shriekvette: I hate Janelle. Kaysar hurt Cappy. He dies.
Rachel: Janelle’s OK. Kaysar is smart yet stupid.
Sarah: Janelle scary. Kaysar scare the others.
And no “I vote to evict…” Must be a landslide.

For our next waste-of-time segment, we’ll take a closer look at the house sweethearts. Umm, Romber they’re not. But I’m glad Sarah has made herself satisfied with such a banal plan for life. Married at 25. Babies at 27. A husband coaching little league. Bing Crosby and Perry Como playing on the victrola. An occasional chide from the hubby when she spends too much on a new hat.

During all this, we get to meet James’ and Sarah’s families. James’ mother, who bears a frightening resemblance to my high school trigonometry teacher, thinks Sarah is great for James. Sarah’s parents, however, look about as thrilled to be watching James as we are. They’re a little upset with the verbal abuse. James’ own sister thinks he might take a wad of cash over Sarah. But what’s the use of wonderin’?

Hey. Didn’t Billy Bigelow kill himself? One can only hope.

Vote alert!
Jennifer: Kaysar likes me. Janelle lies.
James: Uhhhh….
Advil: Kaysar is useful to me. Janelle’s unclean.
Beau: Kaysar’s fierce and scary. Janelle is all about me, me, me, me, me. Just like me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Janelle and Kaysar offer their final words with meaningless niceties. Julie reveals the vote: Kaysar is out 7 to 1. Hornie leads some dumb chant about being O-Kaysar. I don’t know why they do these evictions live. The eavesdrop sessions as the evictee hugs everyone on his way out is about as thrilling TV as CSPAN in the hours before the State of the Union speech.

Julie’s interview with Kaysar, per the usual, reveals absolutely nothing interesting, insightful or entertaining.

On to the HOH competition. This one is called “Eliminator.” Houseguests can eliminate people if they get the right answer, but they’re eliminated if they get the wrong answer. It takes Julie 7 sentences to explain that.

Here’s the play-by-play. Sarah gets a question right and eliminates Jenn. Shreikvette gets a question right and eliminates the serpent. Janelle gets a question wrong, eliminates herself, and bounces off to the sidelines. Sarah gets another question right and eliminates Shriekvette. I turn up my volume, knowing the harpy has been silenced. Hornie gets a question right, and I regret my volume decision. Hornie does not have the ability to modulate his voice to quiet. But Hornie eliminates Beau, who contributed about as much to this competition as he has to the entire game or anyone’s viewing pleasure. Rachel gets a question right and takes out Advil. Somewhere, Cappy is crying as the Manson family is out. Rachel gets another question right and eliminates Sarah. Hornie screams out the last right answer and becomes the new HOH. He shrieks and yells something about Kaysar. I have a bad feeling in my gut. Next week is going to be a war of ghosts. Here’s a sample conversation:

Maggie: Cappy, Cappy, Cappy!
Hornie: Kaysar, Kaysar, Kaysar!
Shriekvette: CAPPY! CAPPY! CAPPY!
Beau: ….
Janelle: Kaysar, Kaysar, Kaysar.
Advil: Cappy, ya’ll.
Sarah: Kaysar?
James: Shut up, Sarah.

Finally, the shocker. Well, about as much of a shocker as when Richard Chamberlain came out of the closet. An evicted houseguest gets to return, and it’s up to us! Just not Ashlea. She would’ve had an unfair advantage – we didn’t get to know her very well. It takes Julie 15 sentences to tell us that. She should have looked at Hornie’s shirt (really Kaysar’s shirt): “Department of Redundancy Department.”

So go to cbs.com and vote! Vote for Michael and see Advil get groped! Vote for Kaysar and see the Manson family’s jaw drop! Vote for Cappy and I’ll hunt you down like a rabid dog!

So as my Kaysar/Cappy conversation comes frighteningly true at the end, I sign off on this summary. Be kind. After all, my other summaries have been for The Real World. People might actually read this one. Was it too long? Too rambling? Too obscure? Aren’t you glad that this is my only summary?

But most importantly, what did Cappy think?

A kyngsladye/IceCat masterpiece.