LAST EDITED ON 06-15-01 AT 06:15 PM (EST)

Well, I just got back from the post office, where a package wrapped in plain brown paper awaited me. The package looked to be about the size of a videotape, and seemed to have been torn open and taped back together. Inside was a note scrawled in a familiar hand. Within the note was a transcript of a videotape, but the videotape it described was nowhere to be found (editor's note: okay, so sue me; I'm at work and didn't have as much time to track down vidcaps as I'd have liked). I suspected a malevolent hand at work. Nevertheless, here are the contents of the note I received.

Sherpa, you know those hidden video cameras planted all over the set? Well, it turns out Shakes Burnett planted one in his own exec trailer, so as he could record all his casting couch…umm…what he called “interviews” for posterity. He put one outside for surveillance, too, just cause he was feeling kinda paranoid what with Desert Rhino making noises about retribution .

You guessed it, one of the clown’s employees leaked me the final tapes. He claimed he got them from Not Shakes, but who knows? Here’s the condensed transcript, leaving out all the obscene bits:

Interior Tape:

Clown’s hanging out in his trailer, personal VCR recording away on Fox in case they run a Love Cruise preview during the daytime soaps. Gets a memo from SeeBS that rocks his world. That union writer’s strike--it’s happenin and they’ve all walked off.

The petty losers didn’t even crank out the script for Shakesvivor Episode 2. The network’s got some scab writers coming in a week or so, but meanwhile it’s on him to produce an Episode 2 by tomorrow night.

Clown: “F*uck this crap, don’t they get it how much work goes into writing the story line for this thing to make it look like it’s not faked? What’s this? They want an accounting for the budget and the funds for the rest of the series?”

Goes on-line and checks: yep, the funds were all diverted for his “other” projects.

Clown: Time to say buh-bye, boys and girls…Gotta run…

Scribbles memo for Aya Probe:

“must leave town for family funeral…my twin brother Bakes…tragic VW clown accident…hold the fort, will ya? In fact, take this show and run with it. A word to the unwise, Probe: you SUCK at improvising. Just stick with the same tired schtick that’s gotten our ratings in the past. And your obsession with tribal loyalties, do you not get how that turned everyone off last season? We need inter tribal same-sex alliances! We need used condoms littering the set! …blah, blah, blah… By the way, SeeBS bastards have cut our budget to shreds, so try to just recycle some old challenges but with cheap rewards, OK? Remember that 1 piece of pizza in S1? Like that. You’ll find some leftover rewards in the big Costco boxes in the storeroom. Good luck buddy, cuz you’re gonna need it.”

Clown grabs a bag, stuffs in his spare suit, make-up, collection of midget porn, looks around for his favorite tape of all. There’s the box:, labeled “Auditions: Shakesvivor Applicants Sleep with Shakes”… But where’s the tape? Crap!

Checks VCR for tape recording possible LC previews… It’s gone, all gone…the proof he ever got all those babes to sleep with him… it was all on the first 15 minutes of the tape.

Gotta say for Shakes he’s quick to cut his losses and get on with his flight. No wallowing in regrets for the Clown. And he’s on his way…

Exterior tape:

Shakes heads for the Clownmobile parked in executive lot in front of the trailer.

Clown: “What the f*ck! Who left this flaming paper bag in front of the car door? Like I’m gonna stomp it out with my best shoes and cover them with dog crap? I invented that trick.”

Steps around it…I’m afraid this part of the tape contains graphic material that may be unsuitable for the BlowsVivor audience. Suffice it to say:

Landmine…bits of shoes, ruff, wig, buttons…fragments of midget porn...

And a strange high-pitched disembodied voice shrieks “Rhino! You’ve spoiled all of my beautiful wickedness!”

Just as it all goes down, Superman and Aya Probe come strolling by and see the whole thing, in fact, Superman catches the poor, much-maligned clown’s skull as all the large bits fall back to earth.

Aya:“So, Supes, you gonna use that spin the earth in reverse, time-fix thing that you do and undo this mess?”

Superman: “Not a Chance, Aya. I knew him well, need I say more? Besides, I’ve been itching for a chance to produce this show myself. I think it could even be, umm, funny.”

Aya: “Not a chance back at ya, Supes. Did I ever tell you why I came to be named after an evil dictator? Well, you’re all about to find out.”

So that’s it Sherpa. Straight from an unimpeachable source. If you think you should make it known, go for it. I think a moment of silence for the departed might be in good taste as well. He gave us some great moments, and those big floppy shoes: who could fill them?

So there you have it. I don't know who has the damned tape. Perhaps a disgruntled postal employee (and who, more than Desert Rhino, fits that description)? I doubt we'll ever see it, unless the thief starts making copies available on the internet. That said, I believe the transcipt fully; many of the incidents we've heard and seen reported elsewhere turn up here: Supes, holding the clown's skull, a clown who died in a VW, DR's threats of land mines, etc.

Finally, I have to agree with my source that a moment of silence is in order. Good-bye, Shakes Burnett. In this sick, sad world, you will be missed.

• RE: A Day in the Death of Shakes the Clown,dangerkitty, 06:39 PM, 06-15-01
  • RE: A Day in the Death of Shakes the Clown,SherpaDave, 06:41 PM, 06-15-01
• RE: A Day in the Death of Shakes the Clown,George Tirebiter, 06:40 PM, 06-15-01
  • BOOM!,AyatollahKhomeini, 00:22 AM, 06-16-01
    • RE: BOOM!,Drive My Car, 01:07 PM, 06-17-01
      • Balloon animals,dangerkitty, 01:21 PM, 06-17-01
        • RE: Balloon animals,ItzLisa, 10:50 AM, 06-18-01
• RE: A Day in the Death of Shakes the Clown,Dalton, 08:04 PM, 06-15-01
• RE: A Day in the Death of Shakes the Clown,aymelek, 10:33 PM, 06-15-01
• RE: A Day in the Death of Shakes the Clown,VampKira, 00:18 AM, 06-16-01
  • RE: A Day in the Death of Shakes the Clown,George Tirebiter, 00:38 AM, 06-17-01
• RE: A Day in the Death of Shakes the Clown,desert_rhino, 09:20 AM, 06-18-01
• BUMP to BlowsVivor?,Outfrontgirl, 07:26 PM, 06-18-01

Oh,man, this is GREAT!! Author, author!!! <applauding>

Nice to have the clarity...Shakes Burnit is dead!! In case there was any confusion...

This is a masterful explanation of the events in question. I feel complete now.

Thank you, Sherpa, you have done a good thing.

Aw, thanks. But most of the credit for this really must go to the person who wrote it. Ask BA who it was and he'll be sure to cough her name up for ya.

Well, THIS is a highly disturbing story, is it not? Actually, although our camp is quite a distance from Shakes' office, we were pelted with a rain of rubber, hair, and red shoe leather (and I think I may have permanent greasepaint tattoos. . .)--but we really hadn't a clue as to what had transpired for a few days. . .

Sadly enough, I fear our rebellion was for naught, as the Evil Dictator seems to have exerted an iron fist almost equal to The Clown's oppressive manner ("Mr. Tact," indeed!). The only improvement seems to be that the midgets have made themselves scarce!

GT

Well, of course things weren't going to get better after this incident. Doh!

...but, even though I saw it with my own eyes, I still have doubts. Consider this story posted on the Boston Globe's website today. Doesn't the clown seem ... well, too familiar? The idea that the clown could have faked his own death so that I had to run the show ... grrrrrrr.

Clown enlists ACLU to help him keep his performing permit
By Associated Press, 6/15/2001 11:31

PROVINCETOWN, Mass. (AP) A clown that some residents say is offensive has been granted a street performer's permit despite efforts to shut down his act.

Police Chief Robert Anthony this week issued a permit to Perri the Clown, which he had initially denied, after the American Civil Liberties Union stepped in on the clown's behalf.

''I have no just cause to refuse him in a First Amendment basis,'' Anthony told the Cape Cod Times.

Anthony had pulled Perri Rlickman's street performer permit after receiving complaints that he whistled inappropriately at young girls, made homophobic slurs and was frequently drunk, the Cape Cod Times reported.

Perri is also known for a trademark whistle and skillful balloon-animal making.

''He's not good for the image of Provincetown,'' said Chamber of Commerce executive director Candace Collins-Boden, who wrote a letter to Anthony asking him to deny Rlickman's permit.

Rlickman contacted the American Civil Liberties Union, which took a look at the town bylaws. ACLU staff attorney Sarah Wunsch said simply not liking someone isn't enough reason to obstruct a person's livelihood.

On Monday, Anthony granted the permit after discussing the case again with town officials.

This cannot be our Clown. This Clown is able to make balloon animals. Our Clown is unable to make even the easiest Ballon animal.

Stupid non balloon twisting Clown

EBug

Yes he can Buggy, he can make a snake.

>Yes he can Buggy, he can make a snake.

*** Yeah, a Trouser Snake!

****************************************

Thanks for the explanation Dave....it gives a whole
new meaning to the "BIG BANG" theory!!!

Dalton
(who knows as long as there is a friggin baseball
team in Chicago...there will always be a Shakey Clown!!)

Bakes the Clown? Shakes and Bakes?!?! Thanks for the hoot, Slurpee!!! And a twin...Oh, no! There's more than one out there?

Bravo! LOL

w.l.s.f.c.

Du ar min hjälte, Supermänniska

I'm just gonna bump this (DUUUUDE! No WAY!) because it's integral to the upcoming Episode 3 summary.

And besides--it's waaaay to funny to be on p. 2 already!

GT

I CANNOT believe an old Korean Police Action leftover would actually work.

Not that I know anything about this, of course.

"I can neither confirm nor deny any such information at this time, or at any time in the foreseeable future."

-- DR

"I've been a bad, bad boy!"

Ding Dong, the Clown is Dead!
Clown went down before I did! Way kewl!
My prowdust momint on the Spoliers bored wasstanding upto Shakes and now I survived him!

But why isn't this in the Blowsvivor bored Ayatollah?