Welcome to Episode 1 of Average Joe 4: The Joes Strike Back. It’s the show that asks the questions: ”Can we railroad yet another unsuspecting beautiful woman into dating a bunch of really bizarre guys who are decidedly UN-average” and “Just what exactly are these Joes striking back against and should we notify the authorities?”

We start with a recap of previous Average Joe seasons and a promise of even more twists and turns than before. Maybe they’ll introduce some gorgeous women as an alternative to the Average Joes. Now THAT would be an exciting twist! We also learn that this season our Beauty is Anna, a model and an entrepreneur with a business degree. She’s both sexy and smart! Anna tells us that all she wants is a nice guy, which is good because that’s all she’s gonna get. In voice-over, one of the Joe’s admits there’s something unnatural about having a beautiful lady pick from this bunch of guys and that Charles Darwin is rolling over in his grave. Well said! And of course, there’s the promise of the hunks taking over as the show progresses, but no bevy of beautiful lesbians mentioned. Finally, at least one of the rejected Joes gets an extreme makeover.

The story starts in a high school gymnasium, where the Joes enter one at a time. Clearly the concept is to bring these guys back to a high school mentality where they were all picked on and overlooked because of their size, their looks or their lack of social skills and style. As if to impress upon us just how “average” the producers will sink, the first contestant we meet is Dante Alighire, a 34 year old waiter. Dante, I know you’re reading this, so I’m going to do you two favors. First, I’m going to spell your name right (see previous sentence), and second, I’m NOT going to post your photo!

However, I will have to describe you. Dante looks kinda like a football with feet, but only if you add a curly red clown wig to the top, and some of those Groucho Marx fake nose glasses. He confesses that being different is tough. Well it doesn’t look difficult. In fact, it looks like it comes rather easy to him.

Up second is Chuck.
He forces me to do a double take because he looks just like my cousin Bob, who also looks like the wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin - or so they say. The only hair he has is facial hair, and it makes him look like a member of the Aryan Brotherhood, which is always popular with the ladies. He assures us he’s a pussycat – or he kills pussy cats. I can’t remember which.

Third is Art (Arthur).
He tells us the ladies are impressed that he was the 1989 New York Karaoke Champion, which tells you all you need to know about why he’s on this show. Also, he looks like Michael Keaton gone bad.

Number 4 is Igor, from Russia.
He’s one BIG dude, and that’s all I need to say.

Fifth up is Jason, a 22 year old law student who looks like he’s about 15. He confesses that though he scored a 1550 on his SAT’s his brother scored a perfect 1600, so he’s not even the smartest in his family.

Sixth comes Damian, who tells us he’s a member of Mensa, the high IQ society, which he says girls seem to consider a disease. Somehow none of these geniuses have figured out that if they were truly geniuses, they’d be smart enough not to join the group widely known as the nerdiest and and most self-absorbed group there is. Also, his high IQ and Mensa membership didn’t provide him with enough good sense to also didn’t keep him from wearing a very patriotic red white and blue “do rag”. Hopefully, Anna will never see him in that thing.

Next up is Harold “Solid” Gold. Solid confides that, strangely enough, his friends use a version of his last name instead of his first name. They call him Goldie, Gold, or Golden Boy but never Harold, Hal or Roldie.

Aaron says people think of him as a nerd even though he doesn’t think he’s a nerdy guy, he just likes nerdy things. You’re right I wonder where they came up with that. After all besides liking nerdy things, being a computer buff and looking like a nerd, there’s nothing about you that screams nerd! Then again, maybe it has something to do with the glasses and ultra red lips, lack of a tan, lack of any muscle tone, and the fact you look like you’re about 15! You’d probably really be popular with the ladies at a local junior high school.

Disclaimer – this comment was for snark and entertainment purposes only. I, of course, condemn the notion of a 25 year old man trying to pick up 13 year old girls.

In any event, Aaron tells us that Geek is Chic now.

Bill Parks is a college student with a weird looking narrow sideburn to sideburn beard that makes me think he was discovered in the hills of Kentucky. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that his sister was also his first girlfriend. He is wearing a camouflage t-shirt, and tells us he’s an active member of the Hilary Duff fan club. I guess Hilary’s people are still working on that restraining order. He’s a redhead, but prefers not to date redheads because “two reds don’t make a right”.

Of course, that’s the cue for us to meet Anna who is a stunning redhead, but in a sweet girl kind of way, not the Omigod, she’s a hot redheaded vixen kind of way..

The producers are setting her up good with the limo and the yacht. She has butterflies in her stomach and visions of meeting her handsome prince charming. She calls herself an energetic, happy person who always looks at the positive side of things. This quality will serve her well if it’s true. We’ll find out soon enough. She also calls herself a hopeless romantic. This? May or may not be good.

As she falls in love with the yacht, the guys are gathering in a nearby gymnasium. Okay, I don’t really know that it’s nearby, but the sentence sounds better that way, don’t you think?

Addressing the Joe prospects are three former Average Joes. There’s Bryon, famous for being the runner up for Larissa’s heart, David, the decidedly well-below average Joe who earned a sentimental place in our hearts, and Fredo. The Joe candidates are excited to meet these reality TV celebrity DAW’s. Fredo warns the Joes that the producers are sneaky bastards and not to be intimidated by the hunky guys. The former Joes take the new recruits through a series of tests designed to eliminate four wannabe’s right from the start.

Meanwhile, Anna is showing off her acting abilities looking surprised and elated about everything on the yacht. She even cries on cue as she enters her stateroom, which is nicely decked out. At first I thought maybe she was crying because she realized her hot pink dress didn’t compliment her orange hair very well. Wouldn’t she be more of an Autumn girl? Later she confesses she was crying because her parents emigrated from Poland and worked hard to provide a comfortable life for her. They’ll be blown away watching this show, presumably by the enormous bed in her room. Okay, I’m starting to melt now, even though I’m trying to remain as cynical as possible. She does seem really sweet.

Average Joe Boot Camp

The first event is dodgeball. The guys must fire balls at life-size blow-up dolls with pictures of the hunks from last season on them. Second is the special skills contest, aka, the talent competition. Nick starts first with a magic trick. He tells us that women love magic. Actually it’s more like WOMEN LOVE MAGIC!!!! This depth of understanding of women goes a long way towards explaining why he’s on this show. Next is John Shaw, a self proclaimed sideshow freak who can snort popcorn kernels up his nose and make them shoot out of his eye sockets. Another sure fire way to woo the woman of your dreams. Dante is next, prancing around in a leotard while performing a rhythmic gymnastics/ballet routine with a ribbon at the end of a stick. Fortunately, he looks almost normal following John Shaw. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the image of Dante in a leotard would be better used in the interrogation room at Guantanimo Bay than on a family TV show. I feel like my civil rights have been violated.

** leaves for cold shower **

The third leg of the competition is to test their dating and small talk skills with the lovely former Average Joe babe, Larissa. Most guys go with the where are you from line. This segment hopefully serves as a public service announcement to dating guys everywhere as they watch and see how ridiculous that particular opening remark sounds. The final competition is the other side of the dodgeball competition – being on the receiving end of the balls. It’s fun to watch the guys get pummeled. One of them even gets hit square on the glasses!

Now it’s time to make the cut down to 18 Average Joes. The guys are lined up in the bleachers, and it’s just like gym class again for many of them, except that this time it’s okay to be picked last as long as you’re picked. On the bleachers, predictably, the longhair cowboy with the ten gallon hat and wife beater shirt isn’t picked, nor is Sideshow John. The other two guys never even got on the air, so it’s no surprise they weren’t picked. Dante is selected since every Average Joe series needs a clown.

Sideshow John says it wouldn’t be the first time he was excluded because of the way he looked. Dude, when you aren’t even good enough for Average Joe, maybe it’s time to rethink your image just a little bit.

The guys are introduced to their bachelor pad, and most head straight for the kitchen before they even introduce themselves to each other. Igor entertains the others by doing his best Bluto from Animal House impersonation.

Nick keeps going on and on with the magic, saying repeatedly that magicians get the pretty girls and that girls love this stuff. Hey, his mommy told him so. Don’t contradict his mommy. You do NOT want to go there!

In other goings on, Dante wants everyone to think he’s psychotic, and the guys all agree that Joshua Smith looks like the messiah.

Anna on the boat would like to find the love of her life. She tells us she believes in love at first sight. She usually knows right away whether she likes somebody. Perfect! Damian tells us that this is definitely unnatural and that somewhere Charles Darwin is rolling in his grave.

Anna tells us she’s been busy taking night classes and hasn’t seen any reality shows over the last few years, so we know why she’s going to be so easy to set up.

Anna Meets Her Suitors

A very excited and nervous Anna is standing on the beach waiting to meet her Romeos. Of course, the first guy to step off the bus is Dante. She manages to keep smiling which is to her credit. Actually, it’s all uphill from here. She politely explains that he wasn’t what she was expecting but he was very nice. Privately, Dante tells us while crying that she’s a beautiful person and he has a chance.

Clay tells us he’s proud of his virginity. Don’t be too proud, Clay, it truly doesn’t appear to be much of an accomplishment. He’s so shy it’s hard for him to even get close enough to her to shake her hand.

Nick wont backstab anybody, hell just be his magician self. Nick, I don’t think you’re going to get the chance to backstab anyone, buddy!

Solid Gold thinks he’s maybe a 7, and pretends he missed his bus to the airport. Wowza, that’s funny stuff there 24K! I’ll bet you’re considered a real card at the water cooler with all your fellow life insurance associates!

** wipes excess sarcasm off keyboard **

Joseph / Jesus comes barreling out of the bus doing a strange sideways chicken dance that is decidedly un-Jesus like. Anna’s first impression of him, under her breath, is “you’ve GOT to be kidding.” Joshua comments that perhaps her red hair is the first big twist. One more thing – Joshua, the real messiah would never meet a beautiful lady for the purpose of courtship while smacking his gum the way you were. Lose the wad!

A series of guys comes off the bus starting with the diminutive Matt who may not meet the height requirement of upcoming events, Aaron F, Dan, Gino, Nathan, and Josh . She comments that this is very strange.

The final guy to come off the bus is Bluto, er - Igor. After an “omigosh”, and a sigh of relief that no more are coming off the bus, she heads for the producer’s trailer, laughing, which shows that at least she has a good sense of humor. She tells the producer that these weren’t exactly the type of guy she’d normally date or be physically attracted to. Privately, she tells us she “gets it” and she still feels like a princess because they’re sweet and they make her feel special. Looking on the bright side, she comments that at least she knows the guys aren’t psycho since they’ve been screened. Hey, maybe that’s one of the big twists – the guys haven’t been screened!

The Cocktail Party

Anna makes her way to the beach and the guys swarm towards her. Several times, I hear the comment that it’s like going to a bar where the guys all swarm towards the hot chicks who enter. Some of then aren’t interested in this scene. Bluto/Igor would rather continue to make the caterer nervous about the food supply.

Harold introduces himself again and tells Anna he’s currently unemployed due to the show, and so “please pick me”. She doesn’t like that because it puts too much pressure on her. Nick, of course, tries to work his magic on her by working his magic. Frankly, I think he’s working on perhaps his biggest trick ever, making himself disappear.

Nathan, 25, from Tampa, FL (no occupation listed) is nervous as he sits down to talk to her, but is impressed with how quickly she put him at ease. Next, Anna’s talking with The Messiah, who tells her he’s a carpenter! She relates that she used to be in construction – preparing concrete slabs, welding and tiling! Wow, now I’m even more enamored of this girl!

Goldfinger has some small talk with Anna and privately tells us there’s real chemistry there between them and so he’s going for it. He leans in for a kiss on the cheek and says “please pick me”. Sorry, Ore Boy, it just comes across as needy and slightly creepy.

Nick’s small talk consists of describing his failed relationship where his girlfriend went off with his best friend. Aaron F. is next to talk with Anna. Privately, he tells us he’s definitely in the upper tier of Average Joe candidates, while telling Anna he likes to give a girl a kiss just to get the sexual tension out of the way. He goes on to say that people think he looks like Ben Affleck, though he thinks he looks more like JFK, Jr, except not dead! Somehow he misreads her reaction to him as “interest” when it should probably be “I’m so glad I only have to decide on five others to eliminate”.

Arthur sings Anna a song, which she finds so sweet it makes her cry. Dante shows his sweet sensitive side, complimenting her energy and warmth. Reflecting back, Anna comments that once she got to talk to them she was actually really excited, presumably to get to know them better. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and keep my mind out of the gutter.

Anna Must Send Some Packing

This is the hard part and for a sensitive girl like Anna, you can tell these ceremonies will be awash in tears. The first one is pretty easy. It’s Aaron F., the creepy Ben Affleck “look-alike”. He thinks maybe it was rigged since the first elimination is usually based on physical appearance and he’s so much more attractive than the other guys. What a tool you are Aaron. You *might* have had a chance to stay based on your unremarkable appearance if you had only kept your freakin’ mouth shut! Once words came out of your piehole, you were doomed.

Eliminee number 2 is Harold “Good As” Gold. He thinks she made a mistake, but this again is no surprise. Again, it was his big mouth more than anything that probably led to his departure. Third is Damian. She must have seen his red, white and blue “do-rag”. The fourth Joe leaving is Bill Parks, who she said she enjoyed talking to, but it “just didn’t seem right.” Bwahaha! This is funny considering his comment that “two reds don’t make a right.” I guess there must be some kind of code that those of us outside their hair color spectrum are unaware of. Then again, maybe it’s because he’s barely old enough to drink a beer.

Four down, two to go. The fifth eliminee is Matt, who tells us he doesn’t think she’ll end up with any of the guys here. Finally, and to no one’s surprise, Anna selects Nick as the final reject. Nick is stunned since the magician ALWAYS gets the prettiest girls.

To the rest, she says she had a spectacular date and is happy they are there. She calls for a group hug.

But that’s not all tonight! The first twist is that one of the rejected Joes will be selected for a semi-extreme makeover. The selected reject is Joe, meaning he’ll see others work their magic for once. He’s going to get some physical changes – a little lipo, some eye, chin and dental work, as well as a new diet and exercise program. He’ll also have a “life coach” to teach him how not to be such a clueless geek, in other words, telling him to ditch the magic.

Next Week

Nick makes a comeback and the hunks make an early appearance taking over the Joe house. Also, we see Anna making out with at least three of the geeks! Tune in Tuesday night, and as always, come back here to read all about it here at www.realitytvworld.com

Handcrafted by RollDDice!