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"Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"

Posted by ginger on 07-15-04 at 02:39 PM
LAST EDITED ON 07-15-04 AT 06:41 PM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 07-15-04 AT 03:00 PM (EST)

I crawled out of the Slough of Despond CBS prefers us to call “Big Brother 5,” showered, and prepared to enjoy the more rarified atmosphere of The Amazing Race. This is, after all, my mother’s favorite reality show. Compared to the lard-filled reality dross I usually watch, TAR is Russian literature or, at the least, Cooke-era Masterpiece Theatre. Certainly, this week’s episode was an educational and philosophical delight: we had bestiality, bickering, foam, and trivial but compelling evidence that there is, indeed, a benevolent God. But I’ll get to that later.

As you may recall, last week introduced us to the various teams (it always seems like a small emerging nation in Episode One) and by the premier’s end Team Cold Feet (“Engaged/Chickened Out”) got the boot, thus sticking another fork in a relationship already studded with silverware.

The teams fly to Argentina where, the Bowling Moms speculate, America’s fabulous new peach-and-green $20 dollar bills will not be accepted. Apropos of nothing, Team Doublemint gushes about how much they love Chip and Mrs. Chip. We know this relationship is doomed by the airing of this tender tribute. After much discussion, only Team Electra wastes time in the peso queue; later, Dad indulges in a little paranoid rant and asserts Team Kingpin plotted to lead them astray through the use of native currency. Remember, Dad’s with the military. He can spot a conspiracy a mile away. What escapes him is the notion that, were a team to actively scheme to derail another team this early on, the non-competitive, injured teams are not likely to be the initial targets. Chances are Military Dad is also concerned that the Bowling Moms are concealing weapons of mass destruction in their matching Don Carter handbags.

The teams are told to find a local nightclub and STD exchange venue: the foam disco (while Military Dad thinks this is a uniquely South American delight, anyone who caught an episode or two of CSI is familiar with the Studio 54 Meets Mr. Bubble concept). There, they will search for clues hidden in inflatable balls on the dance floor. Phil gently suggest that, if the teams have time and find any extra balls, they could give them to Donny, who sure could use a new set.

The teams drive around town in search of glitter balls and suds. Team Newman furthers the Ian Project goal of completely validating every nasty thing people in other countries think about Americans abroad by barking questions (remember, kids: the slower and louder you yell questions, the better people who are rude enough not to speak English will understand what you want) and referring to the respondents as “Useless Foreigners,” ignoring the fact that the “foreigners” are, actually, at home and are possibly less useless than two obese, caustic, celibate (and therefore angry) reality show contestants. Team Newman also deplores the use of environmentally friendly fuel because it takes so long to fill a taxi tank. (Note: I am one of three people in this country who LOATHED “Seinfeld” but if the fat ugly Newman shoe fits, I say throw it).

In one of my favorite TAR moments to date, team Under the Rainbow decides to ask a local lass for directions to the nightclub because the lady in question is “wearing her disco clothes.” The lady in question is -- quite obviously -- a lady of the evening, and while there may be hustling going on, it’s not the shameful, syncopated Caucasian shuffling maneuvers so many of us practiced circa 1974. The hooker politely rebuffs Charla’s piping requests for information but I’m sure her pimp would not have been blind to the commercial possibilities inherent in a Charla/Mirna novelty act; Midget N Gidget flee (“She’s working,” Charla announces, with a keen if belated grasp of the obvious).

The teams finally reach the foam club and the task proves daunting. Someone tries to kiss whateverhernameis from Team Blue Lagoon (it is so dangerous to be so beautiful), and, in a harrowing moment, Mirna loses Charla in the rising flotsam tide until the resourceful Little Person bites her cousin on the ankle and is saved. Ultimately each team survives the Disco Inferno and moves on to the Detour. (Phil to CBS: “Probst gets to say other stuff! Probst gets to ad lib! Why do I have to repeat the same explanatory speeches, word for word, every damn episode!” CBS: “Shut up and buy a few new sweaters. Or we’ll replace you with Sigfried Fisbacher. He’s looking for work now.”)

The Detour entails (pun intended) a choice between walking about 46 hounds with a single leash/harness contraption (which device would sell well in certain parts of my beloved home town) or identifying a specified tango player among twenty or so dancers, a la “the masque” challenge in last year’s Venetian leg.

Most teams go to the dogs, as they are conveniently attached to the road mark (the hounds, not the contestants). Dominatrix and Dim get off to a speedy start but rapidly deteriorate into their usual pattern of Alison screaming things at Donny and Donny whimpering. Alison cannot control the abundant pups, who indicate their complete respect for her authority by copulating enthusiastically on her feet. Certainly, the choke chain she used to train Donny worked a lot better than this soft leash notion. Eventually Cuckold and the Beeotch head for the twirling tango troupe, as does the Lollipop League, Mirna again demonstrating that she is a little Unclear on the Whole Race Concept when she pauses to receive a few lambada lessons prior to moving on with the next clue.

Eva Peron rolls over, muttering loudly, in her grave, but the teams still have a hard time finding her as directed. Some wind up at Juan’s grave instead, a far less popular tourist site; sure, Juan was arguably of more historical importance, but did the Formerly Fun and Sexy Artist Now Turned Boring Pedant Named Esther ever play him in a film? The teams are directed to a typical Argentinean beef and semaphore flag ranch for a final mission. A lack of cabs leads to a standoff between Yet Another Grown Man Named Chip and Tweedledette (I can’t tell the twins apart. They are essentially the same person so it doesn’t really matter. A skinny, shrill, irritating person). Each of them refuses to leave the back seat of the last cab standing, while their respective counterparts stand aside looking vaguely depressed. Chip is a gentleman and simply waits for a new chariot to arrive, rather than flicking Twin off his flank like a piece of cat hair, which is certainly what I would have done. Apparently the Doublemint-Chip lovefest (Ben & Jerry, are you out there?) has come to an end.

Eventually all of the teams trickle through the corral to chase cows with red flags and relay up to the pit stop. In the newly designated International Animal DAW Gesture, several of the cattle hump each other while the teams bicker about who will, in fact, climb into the herd and give chase. Finally, much to the undersigned’s delight, the teams wrest their little raggedy flags from the milling cows, head for the final marker, and……………….

ALISON AND DONNY ARE THE LAST TO ARRIVE! BUH BYE! EELIIIIIMINNNAAAATED! TOAST! GONE! FINIS!

Am I starting to scare you with my enthusiasm for this turn of events? Those of you who have lives, or simply too much good taste to watch Big Brother, may not understand the contempt and disgust Alison has generated, although I suspect even two TAR episodes was sufficient to give you a sense of how deeply repellant our self-styled mastermind is. Perhaps you heard, at about 10:55, a thousand voices crying “YES! YES!” from reality viewers across this great land. Even Julie Chen probably raised an emaciated fist in the air while she and Les Moonves planned the rehearsal dinner seating arrangements. Trust me when I say the defeat of Alison, if not dogboy, reaffirmed my trust in the gods, karma, the fates and the overall balance of the universe. Donny now “hates Alison” and will have to “redefine his feelings for her.” But I’m skeptical this epiphany will bear fruit. If three months of watching his obnoxious girlfriend hoover everything in the Big Brother house except the Ikea carpet didn’t open Dimmy’s eyes, I’m not sure he’s ready for emancipation yet.



Postscripts:

1. I lost my notes so this may be out of sequence or simply completey inaccurate. I come to bash, not to inform.

2. I realize I have pretty much ignored team Seniormoment.com. First, they somehow manage to complete each mission with a minimum of fuss and controversy, thus rendering them useless as targets for ridicule. Plus, they’re cancer survivors, for heck’s sake – even I have standards. Besides, I cannot for the life of me think of a single memorable thing either of them said for the duration of the episode.

3. I contemplated, but ultimately rejected, calling Mr. and Mrs. Another Grown Man Named Chip “Team Cosby” because (a) it’s too easy and a tad racially glib; and (b) we hear perhaps a sentence out of Mrs. Chip per episode, while Claire Huxtable never shut the feck up.

4. Hi, Mom!


Table of contents

Messages in this discussion
"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by Estee on 07-15-04 at 02:55 PM
Note: I am one of three people in this country who LOATHED “Seinfeld”

Four. Especially in the later seasons, where there was absolutely no character on the show you could wish anything but pain on. Kind of like this year's Big Brother.

Alison cannot control the abundant pups, who indicate their complete respect for her authority by copulating enthusiastically on her feet.

I'm so glad none of us have any respect for Alison's authority...

(I can’t tell the twins apart. They are essentially the same person so it doesn’t really matter. A skinny, shrill, irritating person).

The really annoying one is Kami. The incredibly annoying one is Karli. ;>


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by ginger on 07-15-04 at 03:01 PM
Thanks for clearing that up !


The order of Banana delivery should be organized by location to save on shipping costs.


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by greenmonstah on 07-15-04 at 03:12 PM

Ginger is ever so snappy!

Vintage Ginger:

"There, they will search for clues hidden in inflatable balls on the dance floor. Phil gently suggest that, if the teams have time and find any extra balls, they could give them to Donny, who sure could use a new set."


A 2004 Augie Original: Action figure sold separately


You got one big snickah in Boston!


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by Dizwiz on 07-15-04 at 04:27 PM
Make that two big snickahs in Boston! Nice job!
Diz

"Not That You Care, But"
Posted by Devious Weasel on 07-15-04 at 03:13 PM
Cemetary, then Detour. And the C&M Music Factory went straight to the Tango, skipping the dogs. Actually, most teams skipped the dogs.


"Not That"
Posted by Devious Weasel on 07-15-04 at 03:18 PM
It wasn't otherwise lovely...


"RE: Not That"
Posted by ginger on 07-15-04 at 03:34 PM
See Disclaimer Footnote 1, you nitpicker.


The order of Banana delivery should be organized by location to save on shipping costs.


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by Deonna on 07-15-04 at 03:17 PM
Great Summary! I love this line:

"Phil gently suggest that, if the teams have time and find any extra balls, they could give them to Donny, who sure could use a new set."

Thank Gawd they're gone.

Deonna


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by nailbone on 07-15-04 at 03:23 PM
Greatness!!

The team names are perfect, but team Under the Rainbow is the one that set me giggling the most. That and team Seniormoment.com.

One memorable thing they said was Bob grabbbing Joyce's bicep and telling her to "show them those guns".


Handcrafted by RollDdice


The order of Banana delivery should be organized by location to save on shipping costs. o-


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by StarryLuna on 07-15-04 at 03:31 PM
And this is why I.heart.Ginger! That was toooooo funny! Thanks for the laughs.


Slice'n'Dice circa 2004
"Men! As boy crazy as I've been my whole life, I sure can't stand 'em." - Vickie Hiller, Down With Love


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by brvnkrz on 07-15-04 at 03:32 PM
I nominate Ginger as the funniest person on earth. Your description of the um "disco outfits" of the working girl had me ROFLMAO. I couldn't wait until I got home to read this so now my co workers want to know what is so funny about adding numbers.
Great job Ginger.


Author of "The Banana Diaries as told by the Lesbian traveler" also available in Spanish and French for Deonna.
The order of the banana delivery should be organized by location to save on shipping costs.


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by BennyBoy on 07-15-04 at 03:35 PM
Good Summary Ginger! One thing I saw tho
The teams fly to Argentina Didn't they take a ferry?...oh well no biggie still a great summary


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by ginger on 07-15-04 at 03:44 PM
I refer you, as I did Ratboy, to Fine Print Codicil 1 at the bottom of the post, wherein I disavow any accuracy due to loss of notes.

But I'm glad you all liked. I thought it was the Best Episode Ever, simply because of the happy ending.


The order of Banana delivery should be organized by location to save on shipping costs.


"Bravo!"
Posted by PepeLePew13 on 07-15-04 at 03:43 PM
What the heck are ya complaining about? This? A virtuoso performance in churning out this summary!


>we had bestiality, bickering, foam,
>and trivial but compelling evidence
>that there is, indeed, a
>benevolent God.

>Phil gently suggest
>that, if the teams have
>time and find any extra
>balls, they could give them
>to Donny, who sure could
>use a new set.

>team Under the Rainbow

>Mirna loses Charla in the rising
>flotsam tide until the resourceful
>Little Person bites her cousin
>on the ankle and is saved.

>Alison cannot control the
>abundant pups, who indicate their
>complete respect for her authority
>by copulating enthusiastically on her
>feet.

>Cuckold and the Beeotch

>Mirna again demonstrating
>that she is a little
>Unclear on the Whole Race Concept

Always liked that cartoon!


>Eva Peron rolls over, muttering loudly,
>in her grave, but the
>teams still have a hard
>time finding her as directed.
>Some wind up at
>Juan’s grave instead, a far
>less popular tourist site; sure,
>Juan was arguably of more
>historical importance, but did the
>Formerly Fun and Sexy Artist
>Now Turned Boring Pedant Named
>Esther ever play him in
>a film?

>1. I lost my notes
>so this may be out
>of sequence or simply complete
>inaccurate. I come to
>bash, not to inform.

Does anyone really care about the sequence? A fine bashing job!


>2. I realize I have
>pretty much ignored team Seniormoment.com.



©Slice & Dice Chop Shop 2004
"If you're not confused, you're not paying attention." Tom Peters


"RE: Bravo!"
Posted by ginger on 07-15-04 at 03:44 PM
The big question is, will my mother like it?


Lvoes skunks. Weasels not so much, because I'm pouting.


"RE: Bravo!"
Posted by PepeLePew13 on 07-15-04 at 06:21 PM
If she doesn't, then you could always disown her and turn to all most of us here at SB to be your family for life.



©Slice & Dice Chop Shop 2004
"If you're not confused, you're not paying attention." Tom Peters


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by Megacanuck on 07-15-04 at 03:55 PM
FABULOUS!!!!!!!! I enjoyed the summary even more than the episode, and I loved the episode!

"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by geg6 on 07-15-04 at 03:57 PM
Must.not.read.Ginger's.summaries.at.work.

Too funny!


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by buckeyegirl on 07-15-04 at 04:34 PM

You did all of that without your notes? I'm impressed. Great job-you had nothing to be nervous about!!
My favorite line was in your footnotes:
2. I realize I have pretty much ignored team Seniormoment.com. First, they somehow manage to complete each mission with a minimum of fuss and controversy, thus rendering them useless as targets for ridicule. Plus, they’re cancer survivors, for heck’s sake – even I have standards. Besides, I cannot for the life of me think of a single memorable thing either of them said for the duration of the episode.



Handcrafted by RollDdice!


"Forgot About That"
Posted by Devious Weasel on 07-15-04 at 04:37 PM
If you want to be technical, neither of them had cancer. Rather, their former spouses were cancer victims.


"RE: Forgot About That"
Posted by ginger on 07-15-04 at 05:27 PM
You have something stuck in your teeth.


The order of Banana delivery should be organized by location to save on shipping costs.


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by I_AM_HE on 07-15-04 at 04:36 PM
LAST EDITED ON 07-15-04 AT 04:37 PM (EST)

thanks ginger. like many others, i thought the searching for extra balls with which to replace Donny's missing pair was brilliant!

the whole para. had me laughing though (think Les thought having Ali wind up with a 6-inch heel through the temple would have been too obvious?)


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by zombiebaby on 07-15-04 at 04:52 PM
Ginger that was just histerical!

I love this line: "4. Hi, Mom!"


One more of J Slice's Awesome Creations!

I am sure she is proud!


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by Molaholic on 07-15-04 at 04:59 PM
Tres magnifique Ginger, Absolutely Fabulous!

Some Ginger gems that made me wet 'em ...

Compared to the lard-filled reality dross I usually watch, TAR is Russian literature or, at the least, Cooke-era Masterpiece Theatre.

Chances are Military Dad is also concerned that the Bowling Moms are concealing weapons of mass destruction in their matching Don Carter handbags.

...(remember, kids: the slower and louder you yell questions, the better people who are rude enough not to speak English will understand what you want).

...anyone who caught an episode or two of CSI is familiar with the Studio 54 Meets Mr. Bubble concept.


There were several dozen others I could have listed, but my cut-and-paste-carpal-tunnel-syndrome is acting up.

Who needs correct sequence and details?


A.S.S. PTB Red Points CONSOLATION winner
sigpic a GeorgiaBelle creation MMIV


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by GrendelsMom on 07-15-04 at 05:03 PM
Bwahahahahahaha! Ginger funny.


As for the accuracy nitpickers, remember that Shakespeare never let silly things like historical accuracy get in the way of a good bashing. You go, girl.


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by strid333 on 07-15-04 at 06:03 PM
Alison cannot control the abundant pups, who indicate their complete respect for her authority by copulating enthusiastically on her feet.

Oh yeah that was sweet. And so was when we said buh bye to them.

Great summary of the greatest episode ever!


Three is the perfect number.


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by AugustGirl on 07-15-04 at 06:16 PM
Terrific, terrific summary!

This line:

Phil gently suggest that, if the teams have time and find any extra balls, they could give them to Donny, who sure could use a new set.

made me pump my fist in the air and yell Yeah! One great line out of many. Thank you Ginger.



a JSlice original. isn't she something?


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by choochoo on 07-15-04 at 06:53 PM
LAST EDITED ON 07-15-04 AT 06:55 PM (EST)

Good job ginger, on what can only be described as the "Cliff Notes version of a TAR summary"!

....just one point, however.....

When you wrote, "The teams fly to Argentina where"...., I assume this was "artistic license" , as even Cliff Notes would never dream of describing the actions of a lumbering ferry boat (going 20 knots max.) as "flying". ROTFLMAO

...the editors must have cut the part where the ferry boat sprouts wings and rockets to BA on hydrofoils, in the final edit ......Just kidding


"LOL! I've said it before"
Posted by moonbaby on 07-15-04 at 07:23 PM
and I'll say it again: ginger, you dooooo make me laugh! Great job!

*waves to ginger's mom*

"thanks Ginger!"
Posted by Breezy on 07-15-04 at 07:46 PM
I needed the laugh.


Save a horse, ride a cowboy.


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by Puffy on 07-15-04 at 10:13 PM
Loved your summary..so much fun to read! I quoted some of it to my friends tonight. Please write more of them!!!!



AKA Puff Homes
J Slice original
The order of the banana delivery should be organized by location to save on shipping costs.


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by TeamJoisey on 07-16-04 at 03:42 AM
Nice work, Ginger. Very very funny.

And you did it all without notes? Now that's amazing.

I guess some things just sear into your brain, and can only be expunged through summary writing. Hope you are feeling better now.



Mom says hi. Oh... you mean YOUR Mom?


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by AMAI on 07-16-04 at 11:33 AM
Very entertaining, Ginger. Thanks.

"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by toddE on 07-16-04 at 12:49 PM
Hey Ginger
Always love your comments here and elsewhere, this was one of the best!



"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by MsShel330 on 07-17-04 at 08:53 PM
Brilliant Ginger

"(Phil to CBS: “Probst gets to say other stuff! Probst gets to ad lib! Why do I have to repeat the same explanatory speeches, word for word, every damn episode!” CBS: “Shut up and buy a few new sweaters. Or we’ll replace you with Sigfried Fisbacher. He’s looking for work now.”) "

Love it!


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by BOYmeetsREALITY on 07-19-04 at 02:48 PM
Not only a great "summary-izer".....
but a good daughter too:

"4. Hi, Mom!"

WOOHOO!

<----doing the "See Ya Lata Allison!" dance on his desk!!!


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by samboohoo on 07-30-04 at 02:46 PM
Very funny Ginger. Loved the comment about the balls!


Slice & Dice Chop Shop 2004


"RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode Dos: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, or Every Dog Has Its Day"
Posted by Swami on 07-30-04 at 05:07 PM
Normally, Ginger, I don't read this forum because I actually like this show and enjoy just watching it as it plays out. However, I was lured here by Landru and discovered that the summaries for TAR all rock. So now I have to read them all & comment--unless I wander off on some vague mission or other.

That said--great summary! Many fun bits have been quoted, but I especially want to thank you for the following:

Even Julie Chen probably raised an emaciated fist in the air while she and Les Moonves planned the rehearsal dinner seating arrangements.

It is always Julie Chen season. Even when she has nothing whatsoever to do with a show.

Brilliant!
Wonderful!
I thank you!