The Amazing Race Summary
Part the First
"Where's the beef?"
or
"If there's a God, then why isn't stupidity painful?"

Last week, on The Amazing Race…

Oh, wait. This is the premiere. The 90-minute premiere, as if 60 minutes weren’t bad enough. So all we did last week was slouch on the sofa in our jammies, gorge on donuts, and play Madden 2004, and that’s pretty much all the recap you need of that.

For those of you new to our little show, we’ll do a quick overview. There are these 11 teams, see, and they’re each made up of 2 people who already know each other but for some reason find their day-to-day relationships so unfulfilling that they yearn for the petty bickering and sweatiness they can only find by searching for small boxes with envelopes in a third-world country whose language they don’t speak so they can win a million dollars. The show is “hosted” – narrated, mainly – by Phil Keoghan, who is no Anderson Cooper (formerly of The Mole, now of CNN, always of my dreams) or Jeff Probst (of Survivor and Belly), but who does have more amplitude in his chestal region than I do. Which he attempts to hide by wearing large cable-knit sweaters (if it’s cold) or camp shirts with pockets on each side (if it’s warm). The rest you’ll just have to pick up on as we go along.

So. It's Tuesday. It feels like Monday. I'm bloated, I’m cranky, and I had to get up earlier than usual this morning to face the 11-mile-but-45-minute commute that is my life in the urbs of DC. My coffee was bitter, my bagel was stale, and I forgot my lunch (in my rush to leave earlier, of course), which means I had to scrounge in my desk for something to eat, which turned out to be three half-stale peanut butter crackers and a pop-tart.

Perfect.

Oh, yeah. It's on.

Sweeping vistas of Santa Monica, the jumping-off point for this race that we all just KNOW will be jam-packed full of the most intense competition and forced relationship building since the Lakers' training camp. Phil appears, at the helm of a boat, and begins to tell us the same things I just finished telling you up there in the second paragraph or so. He is, as anticipated, wearing a turtleneck fisherman sweater. It does not appear that he hired a personal trainer to work on his "pecs" in the off-season.

He narrates the teams' arrival, which occurs in 11 identical "lifeguard transfer vehicles." The bennies must have significantly improved since my teen years as a lifeguard, because I sure as hell didn't get a company car. And none of the folks driving the vehicles bear any resemblance to the Baywatch lifeguards. We're 30 seconds into the show and I already feel duped and used and broken and empty. That's unusual for a Tuesday; it's normally more of a Saturday morning thing.

Anyhoo, let’s get to the teams!

1. Brandon/Nicole – dating couple. She is a pageant veteran (Miss Texas USA 2003) and now an actress/model (a totally unlikely progression, I know, but stay with me), and Brandon is also a model, although he mostly serves as a model for dustmops and portraits of stigmata. Their personal resemblance to Flo and Zach alarms me. They make sure we know within 2.3 seconds that they are committed Christians, although, unlike one of last season's teams, they do not assert their virginity. We’re dubbing them Team Thumper.

2. Kami/Karli – identical twins. I know you’ll be shocked, but they’re both blonde. Three will get you five that at one time, they both dotted their i's with hearts. With daggers through them, dripping blood. One of Karli’s fears is getting stranded in a third world country without clean bathrooms. (Karli, honey, one of the definitions of “third world country” is “no clean bathrooms”, and sometimes the word “clean” doesn’t even enter into it. I went to bars in college that could be classified as third world countries, ferchrissake.) They say they can get really upset when they are not fed, or when the food falls on the floor of their cage. They pride themselves in lying and being manipulative; they’re like the Doublemint Twins on crack. Speaking of crack, we’ll call them Team Olsen.

3. Linda/Karen – best friends. Moms. Who bowl together. The Bowling Moms. They have T-shirts made up that say that. “Bowling” on one shirt, “Moms” on the other. The really sad thing? They have more than one set of such shirts. They live in Southern California, just north of L.A. There are hundreds of fun, unique things to do in Southern California. Bowling is not one of them. Although they do seem to have found their way to a few quality all-you-can-eat buffets. As self-proclaimed Bowling Moms, we’ll cooperate with them on that and nickname them Team BM (alternate: Team Number Two).

4. Marshall/Lance – brothers who own and operate a pizza shop in Texas. This story is in their Bios and I simply MUST share it, verbatim:

When Lance was six or seven years old, Marshall sold him a Sony Walkman for $60; the sale included a hand-written contract stating that Lance was buying the Walkman “as is,” with no refund. Shortly after buying the Walkman, Lance determined that it was broken. Lance went crying to their father and told him he wanted his money back, but Marshall pulled out the contract and refused.

Lance says that he’s looking forward to seeing “all the beautiful honeys and any nude beaches.” Lance is also looking forward to reaching puberty and moving out of his parents’ basement, the walls of which are covered with taped-up Playboy centerfolds, thereby guaranteeing he will never, ever have sex there. Marshall has a bachelor’s degree and recently got engaged; he also started his own business, grew it to 13 cities and 125 employees, and sold it, all within 18 months. Due to the blatant inequities in their personal qualities, I’m dubbing them Team Rainman.

5. Charla/Mirna – cousins. They’re from Maryland, but that doesn’t make me like them any better. (Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph, please don’t make me write about this….) Okay, here’s what I figure: Mark Burnett (who Jerry Bruckheimer wants to be when he grows up) puts a deaf girl on Survivor, so Jerry has to one-up him….by casting a midget dwarf Little Person, Charla. TAR has officially jumped the shark with this move, people. Mark my words. Oh, and her identical cousin (who is not a midget dwarf Little Person), Mirna, kinda like the whole Patty Duke thing, except we’re not sure if hot dogs make her lose control. We’ll find out how she feels about beef later, though. This is about the only time I’ve ever felt even momentarily guilty for making fun of someone on one of these shows. Wait…..there, I'm over it now. I'm calling them Team Tattoo.

6. Dennis/Erika – team status is listed as “once engaged,” which always bodes well. He pulled her free from a vicious dog attack and she fell in love with him (the basis for all great relationships not spawned by the Internet). She says they broke up because neither of them was ready to be engaged (right…like I believe a chick employed as a wedding consultant would voluntarily break off an engagement). He says he broke off their engagement after she went skydiving naked. I really wish I were joking. He said, “I thought I was dreaming, but no, here comes my future wife through the air with nothing on but socks and sneakers and a naked instructor strapped to her back.” I bet if the instructor had been female, he wouldn’t have had an issue with it. He’d have been too busy filming.

Pop Quiz #1: Imagine we're on Star Trek. An away team is going to beam down. Which of the following will not return?

A. Kirk
B. Spock
C. Scottie
D. Ensign Mahoney

I'll refer to Dennis and Erika as Team Red Shirt. Here's hoping!

7. Joyce/Bob – dating couple; the eldest team in the Race at 61 (him) and 54 (her). Both have lost spouses to “cancer” (although CBS has not released the autopsy reports) and they met on an Internet dating site, www.didn’t_kill_my_spouse.com. They think that because they’re physically fit, smart, and compatible as a couple, they’ll have an edge on the younger teams, which goes to show you it doesn’t pay to drink before noon. They are Team Depends.

8. Colin/Christie – dating couple from Texas. She is now a pharmaceutical sales rep, but she is also a pageant veteran (Miss Teen USA 1996), so maybe she and Nicole can compare notes on alternative uses for Vaseline, duct tape, and laxatives. He is a cell phone store owner, which taints him with an inescapable smarm. He thinks he is possibly the most intense person ever to participate in the Race, but he also thinks that gnomes steal his underwear at night for profit. (Hmmm…she’s a drug dealer, he supplies the cell phones for her “deals”….sounds like the Ravens will be trying to draft them soon.) They say that if they win, they’re getting married right after the show. Sorry, been there, seen that – which can sum up every detail about these two. It’s summer, you’ve seen it all before, and it’s really stupid, but you watch it, because there’s nothing else on and it’s too damn hot to go outside. We’ll call them Team Rerun.

9. Chip/Kim – married parents who have already celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary, even though they’re only in their mid-40’s (I sense a shotgun somewhere in there). They started their own Web company (code for “cheerleader porn site”) and they claim that they’re together “23 hours a day”. It’s nice to know that he lets her have some time alone so she can do the dishes, but why anyone spends more time with their spouse than a death row inmate spends in his cell with his stainless steel toilet, I’ll never know. They also happen to be African-American. As always, there is one African-American team, and as always, they are given the name Team Token.

10. Jim/Marsha -- father/daughter team, and we love nothing more than the strained dynamics of the failed parent/child bond. She is a law student at the University of Florida who also happens to be a cheerleader for the Jacksonville Jaguars, both of which serve to illustrate her penchant for making bad decisions. Jim is a helicopter pilot who spent 23 years in the military, including a tour in Vietnam. Marsha³ (Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!) is a petulant, spoiled child who disparages her father for treating her like a petulant, spoiled child, and demands to be treated with the same respect that she does not accord him. Simply because adding this to each of their first names makes me giggle, I’m calling them Team Brady.

11. Alison/Donny – Yes, you thought you had seen enough of Alison from last summer’s Big Brother (on which she was the runner up, I am told; I couldn't stand to watch the show past about week 1), but no. Here she is again, with the on-again, off-again boyfriend she spoke of so often, Donny. Big Brother, they said, kind of drove a wedge between them (can't imagine why, as he saw her lie, backstab, and kiss another guy), so what better way to overcome problems engendered by being on a nationally-televised reality TV show than to do another one? They represent everything I hate about people in general and reality TV in particular. Lifeguard, can we have these two removed from the gene pool? To represent my hopes for what they WILL win, I was going to call them Team Darwin, but that would imply that there is hope for either of them to evolve. Instead, since they'll be fighting 'round the world, we'll call them Team Tugger.

Who will be eliminated first? Who will win? Sknzzzzz….no, no, I'm awake, I can get through this.

Phil appears and briefs (then boxers) the teams. Eight out of the 13 pit stops will have eliminations. And we were promised a twist, so we’re on the edge of our seats with anticipation, because we know if a network hypes a twist, it has to be significant and game-changing. Phil says the twist will make their lives very, very difficult: Each team member's mouth will be covered in duct tape for the entire leg. No, dammit, that's not actually the twist, but wouldn't it be some sort of poetic justice?

The teams line up at the edge of the pier, are given the most absurd ready-set-go by Phil, and they tear off towards their luggage and their first clue. Easy enough, right?

Well, no. First, we see both Major Dad and Dennis trip and fall to the boards. Then, as we see all the teams running to their backpacks, getting their clues, and heading to the cars, we notice Team Tattoo, still struggling to get to their luggage. The thing is, no matter how determined, and strong, and aggressive, and plucky Charla might be – and she is all of those things, which I find just SO adorable – it doesn't change the fact that her inseam is shorter than most of my sentences. It's like seeing a dachshund trying to keep up with a bunch of German shepherds.

All the teams open their clues and head out, making insipid woo and hoo noises, trying to make their way to LAX and one of two airplanes heading to Uruguay (If I'm a guay, and Uruguay, doesn't that make us a Paraguay? Sorry.). Christie, who used to live in L.A. before the whole “Arnold Incident” and the restraining order, takes Colin careening across 8 lanes of traffic and onto a totally different route than anyone else because that’s the way she remembers OJ going.

The other teams are trying to figure out which flight they want to take, the one that leaves earlier, or the one that leaves later. Team Rainman says, “American Airlines, United Airlines…One of them could be slower.”

Could be, could be. You couldn’t be a whole lot slower, though. I wonder if any of the teams will be smart enough to check what times the flights ARRIVE before they buy tickets. Vegas odds: 3 to 2 against.

I must interject here and say that, by and large, this is the stupidest, most senseless bunch of lameasses to ever participate in the Race. Except for Charla, who’s only half as stupid and senseless and lameassed.

Because we’re 4.3 minutes into the show and no one’s started b!tching yet, Erika prompts Dennis, “I can’t believe he tripped you.” “Did you see who it was?” he asks. “Yes, it was Texas!” she proclaims.

Well, Texas IS pretty big. I suppose it would be easy to trip over. I’ll find out next week.

Colin to Christie: “He kinda ran into me…I think he’s okay, though.”

Camera cut back to Erika: “I think he pushed you…how do you trip someone from behind unless you push them?” I see wedding planners spend a lot of time in physics class.

I have to say, anal-retentive gal that I am, I went back and reviewed that portion of the race in frame-by-frame, agonizingly slow motion. Dennis took a weird step with his right foot, hooking it in front of his left and putting it in a place where no rational person, running on his left, would ever think Dennis’ right foot would be. Colin’s right foot moves just in front of Dennis’ oddly-placed right foot, keeping Dennis from moving that foot, which in turn impedes the forward progress of Dennis’ left foot, and Dennis basically trips over his own feet. Either that, or there was a tripwire strung from behind the grassy knoll.

The thing I find most amusing about this is that Erika, at the time of the incident, runs right past Dennis when he falls down, and doesn’t look back. “Oh, you fell? What a shame for you. Maybe next time you’ll re-think breaking our engagement.”

Meanwhile, back at the pier, Bob can’t find the hood release, and Joyce keeps nagging at him urgently to find it, not unlike their Wednesday “Viagra Nights". What does she want to do, check the coolant level?

The Bradys, however, are looking to open the TRUNK of their car, and when they can’t find a button or lever to pop it open, they attempt to find a “manual release” (which I don’t think is legal in public, but it IS California, so you never know). Um, folks? Most trunks also open with those things in your hands called “keys”.

We discover at this point that Jim is “bleeding like a g-ddamn stuck pig”. He, too, tripped on the pier, and a nail kind of ripped his knee open and his pants leg looks like a Rorschach blot. But, like the monster his daughter assures us he is, he’s neglected to whine about it and insists that Marsha³ get her a$$ on the road. In contrast, she seems unable to even blink without whining.

Christie (confessional): “I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to -- which actually narrows things down a lot for me – because {Colin} is there for me. He’s my rock.”

Let's leave his IQ out of this, shall we?

Marshall is confident that he can use the traffic to get ahead, because he can drive like an a$$hole and “we got women driving back there, and I'm a good driver. I'm an excellent driver.” Karli, who is the alleged woman he’s speaking of, is trying to drive aggressively and failing, despite her lovely twin yelling, “Take the lane! TAKE IT! Now, dammit, NOW, and don’t let those lardasses over!” Karli does anyway, because, as Marshall says, “They’re not aggressive. That’s not too bright.” As much as it pains me, I have to agree.

Team Rerun gets to the parking lot for the airport first, way ahead of the other teams. Vegas odds that they will use this head start wisely: 5 to 1 against.

Phil breaks in at this point to talk about airplanes, and how the first flight to leave (American) has a longer layover in Miami, so it doesn’t arrive in Montevideo ("A Movie About a Mountain") until ½ hour AFTER the second flight to leave (United), which has a shorter layover in Miami. And we know these half-hours are absolutely VITAL, because nowhere along the way will they come to a point at which no one can perform a task or go anywhere for 12 hours and everyone catches up to each other.

Back on the highway, other teams are still trying to get to the airport, and we are treated to the following exchange by Team Tugger:

Donny: All right, go right, please.
Ali: There’s a double turning lane, OKAY?!
Donny: …and it starts.
Ali: Shut UP!

Donny (confessional): “I don’t know why we’re still together. We hate each other so very, very much, but we still can’t stand to be apart.”

Pop Quiz #2: Why can’t Donny and Ali break up for good?

A. Sadism
B. Masochism
C. Codependency
D. There’s no money or temporary fame in it until after they’re on the Race together

Team Rainman arrives at the airport next, and heads for the shuttle to the terminal. When they see other teams arriving, one says to the other, “Pick up the paste.” You just knew one of them was a paste eater, didn’t you?

They arrive at the shuttle first and won’t let the driver stop to pick up the three other teams (Tugger, Olsens, Red Shirts) who have now arrived as well, thus giving the other teams the impetus to form a tenuous alliance to figure out which flight is better and hold the line for the other teams to meet up with them.

Team Rerun is still wandering around the airport, looking for the flagged ticket counter. They have done absolutely nothing to research flights or buy tickets.

Speaking of wandering, I’m sure you’re saying to yourselves, “Hey, where’s the midget dwarf Little Person?” Lost, it would seem, from Mirna’s continued exclamations of, “God help us. God help us!”

Team Red Shirt walks straight up to the American counter (the slower flight), and, without inquiring when the OTHER flight arrives, buys tickets for themselves.

Team Olsen and Team Tugger go to the United counter, are good little teams and ASK which flight is faster, and book their tickets there. They then set off to find Team Red Shirt, who, they assume, have gleaned the same information from THEIR ticket agent, and should be on their merry way to the United counter. Gosh, where could they be?

Why, still at the American counter, of course, but now, they’re in front of several other teams and are holding the line up. “The other teams bought their tickets but went to the bathroom, so we have to wait here until they get back so they can get their boarding passes,” they insist. After several minutes, however, it’s apparent to everyone but Team Red Shirt that they may as well have insisted the other teams were looking for WMDs in Iraq.

Team Rerun is still looking for the flagged ticket counter, despite passing within 6 inches of a flag. They attempted to buy tickets from an unflagged ticket counter, where the ticket agent slapped them silly and sent them away.

Now, Teams Thumper, Depends, and Token have also arrived, and have gotten in line at the American counter, where, after 20 minutes, Team Red Shirt is still holding everyone else up. “There’s no rules against it,” insists Dennis. Team Rainman calls him "a scumbag, definitely a scumbag." “Bring it,” says Dennis, who is outweighed by one of Team Rainman's left legs. That’s always a good idea.

The Bradys are on the shuttle. Jim thinks the bleeding of his knee has stopped, but unfortunately, the bleeding of his brain cells out of his ears will continue as long as he’s in his daughter’s presence.

Team Olsen finally arrives and tells Team Red Shirt the news that they are morons. They can’t give the tickets back, either. Erika confides to Dennis, “We should have known. We’re stupid.” I amend my statement from earlier; perhaps this is the most self-aware group of teams ever to Race.

Know what else I find fun? Everyone who was waiting in line for 20 minutes, and b!tching about Red Shirt holding them up, was waiting for the slower flight. Joy!

The Bradys, waiting in line, are noticed by the ever-vigilant Homeland Security squad, due to the trail of blood Major Dad is leaving through the airport. They summon a paramedic, who looks at Jim’s knee and exclaims, “Dammit, Jim! I can’t fix this! It needs stitches! I’m a paramedic, not a doctor!” Jim’s response? “Fvck that, I need to catch a flight.” They hijack a rental car shuttle to take him to the clinic, but Homeland Security doesn’t seem to notice that. I wonder if they’ll make it to the plane in time. Vegas odds: 2 to 1.

When we return from our commercial break, we find that Jim has received 25 stitches and he had nearly destroyed a tendon. Their flight leaves at 2:40. At 2:21, they’re still on the shuttle to the airport from the clinic. At 2:30, they enter the terminal, and at 2:37 they arrive at the gate.

See, now this? Is helpful. One thing I absolutely despise about this stupid race is the lack of timestamps. You have no idea how far one team is ahead of another, or how long it took them to fully accomplish a task. I assume this is done not specifically to frustrate me (life is not ALL about me, after all, just mostly), but because pushing a button on the camera to insert a time stamp on the teams’ activity while filming violates the cameraperson’s union contract. Or the editors are hoping that if they keep the audience confused as to how, exactly, teams are faring compared to one another, it almost substitutes for tension or suspense of any kind.

The flights take off. CBS inserts a graphic over the plane footage reminding us that the flight with the longer layover lands last, and the flight with the shorter layover lands first, and thank Dog for that, because I nearly forgot, what with the entire focus of the last 15 minutes of film revolving around what time the planes depart and arrive. Whew. Thanks, CBS!

And now, we get the traditional graphic illustrating the flight path as a math problem: If plane A leaves LAX at 1:40, and plane B leaves LAX at 2:40, and terrorists take over both flights somewhere between Miami and Uruguay and divert the planes southwest, and they crash in the Andes, who will the crash survivors eat first? Vegas odds: 3 to 1 on Alison.

Sadly, this doesn’t happen, and the teams land in Uruguay. Once there, they must travel 75 miles by bus to Punta del Este ("Let's Punt”) and find a large outdoor sculpture called, “The Hand” (translated as "The Hand"), which resembles five giant fingertips reaching out of the beach sand. This is supposed to evoke the image of the last part you see of a person drowning off the coast of said beach. With that kind of optimism rampant in Uruguay, I bet the suicide rate is pretty low.

All the teams on the first plane to arrive are on the same bus, and all of them run for the clue box…behind the middle finger. Those clever little CBS scamps! How naughty they are!

The teams must now travel by ferry to the pier of Gorriti Island (shouldn’t it be Isla del Gorriti? I mean, I can’t really make fun of it if they’re going to translate it into English before I get to it. Work with me, people!). It used to be a hideaway for Spanish pirates, and here it must be noted that Jerry Bruckheimer also produced "Pirates of the Caribbean," a movie starring Johnny Depp (who did a fine Pauly Shore imitation) based on a theme park ride. A movie. Based on a theme park ride. Yes, it WAS that good.

Everyone runs to get taxis to take to the ferry port. Charla, ever resourceful, pulls a whistle from her pocket, and uses it to get a taxi. “Strangers love to help me,” she says. “They also have the BEST candy.” Isn't she cute?

Team Thumper decides to walk to save their money, because a common theme in TAR is that a team will do something frivolous like take a taxi and then they’ll run out of money and won’t be able to get where they’re going and get eliminated.

Well, I should say that Brandon decides that they’ll walk.

Nicole (confessional): I was upset that he left me out of the decision. I think the two of us together could have come up with a decision that was what *I* wanted to do.”

Oh, wait, the BMs decide to walk, too. Look at them go! Nothing like getting the BMs moving.

Team Tugger is in a taxi. We are witness to the following exchange:

Donny: Maybe we have to take a boat there.
Ali: Yes, that’s what a ferry IS.
Donny: Where’s the ferry, then?
Ali: He’s DRIVING US TO IT.

I bet her mother's got a loud bark.

Ali (confessional): “I’m the brains, he’s the brawn,” she says to us. “Clearly, I’m more intelligent than you. Sorry, no offense,” she says to Donny, who is seated right next to her. The saddest thing is that she seems correct; he's not even offended. I now believe in reincarnation, because no one could be that stupid in one lifetime.

Team Depends arrives at the ferry first, followed closely by Team Tugger. They see Team Olsen running for the ferry and urge the ferry captain to push off. Team Olsen manages to hop onto the ferry, but they do not fail to be ticked off by this.

Kami (or Karli, who cares) (confessional): "I don't like it when people do things to us that we'd have done to them in the same circumstance. But that's because they're scared of us 'cuz we're such a threat. If *we* did it, it would be because they suck. See? Totally different."

Meanwhile, Nicole is still trying to penetrate Brandon's brain through his nest of hair (which he can't cut due to federal restrictions on removing habitats of endangered birds) the notion that he fvcked up. His response? "I need you to support me, Nick. And when I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you."

Brandon (confessional, while patting Nicole patronizingly on the shoulder): "What Nicki needs to understand is that God said that she needs to do what I tell her to, and while I sometimes might ask what she thinks, it's really only because I'm trying to get laid…in a most holy, God-honoring way, of course."

The first ferry has landed and the three teams dash to the clue box. They are to search a stand of over 100 trees for tickets for ferries to get OFF the island….all of which leave the following morning. They can do nothing until then. Wow…I couldn’t have predicted THAT.

The ferry times are 8, 8:30, and 9 a.m. and the teams try to find the earliest time without letting the other teams know they've found the earliest time, and without forgetting where the trees with the earliest times are. They haven't been this confused since they tried to vote in Florida.

The next ferry brings Team Tattoo and the Bradys, who are at the clue box together. Team Tattoo proposes that they help one another find good ferrys. Major Dad thinks this is reasonable. Marsha³ thinks this sucks, and lies to Team Tattoo and refuses to help them.

Apparently, ONLY strangers like to help Charla.

The other teams de-ferry. Nicole and Brandon stare at a tree holding a 9 a.m. departure time. Now he asks her what she thinks, and she hems and haws and whines and then insists HE make the call. Nice job, Nicole. The wheel is still spinning but the hamster died.

Chip, who is one of the last ones into the woods and pulls a 9 o'clock start time, says, "Uh-oh, there we go again, the bottom feeders." Now, why go bringing lawyers into this?

After the commercial break, we see the teams settling down in a huge tent on the island where they will spend the night.

In the morning, we see the twins exclaiming as they depart, "Hooray! What a great day!" Small animals run from them.

Behind them, Team Rainman says, "We gotta get off this hellhole, this place sucks. We're missing Wapner! This is bad. This is very bad."

Now the teams must take the ferry BACK to Punta del Este where they find another clue box.

So, they take a ferry to an island, for the sole purpose of pulling a ticket to a ferry back to the same place they just left from. Wow. Television doesn't get any more exciting than this. Except for, say, the all-Antiques Roadshow channel.

The teams are then directed to head to Maldonado ("Bad Donut"), to the Jose Francisco Guerrero Sanchez Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla Gonzalez's meat warehouse, where they will find their next clue.

The three teams on the first ferry get their clues and head off on the next bus.

The 8:30 teams, however, are having some difficulty finding a clue. In the Race, I mean. Charla and Mirna find the clue box (Charla spots it, and Mirna tells us that Charla has the eyes of a cat. What's next, we find out she has a beard, too?), and I'm surprised that they think of moving away from the clue box before they open it so the other teams still won't be able to find the box. The Bradys and the Olsens are still looking. The Olsens pass within 6 inches of the box at least twice without seeing it.

Charla and Mirna decide to take a taxi rather than wait for a bus, and they arrive at Jose Francisco Guerrero Sanchez Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla Gonzalez's meat warehouse at the same time as the teams that took the bus. "There's the midget! Run!" Donny exclaims. What a sensitive guy. No wonder Ali can't tear herself away from him.

At the warehouse, the teams are told they must carry a 55-pound side of beef a half-mile to La Rosada Carniceria ("The Rosacea of Carnies") and the butcher there will give them their next clue.

Ali and Donny don the white coats, rubber gloves, and shower caps provided and set off, Donny carrying the beef and Ali carrying the backpacks.

Phil breaks in to tell us that beef production is one of the largest industries in Uruguay, just ahead of water pollution and hazardous waste created by said industry.

Team Depends is next. Bob, who is carrying the beef, pants, "I'll never make it." Uruguay's optimism seems to be contagious.

Team Tattoo is third. "I'm having a problem with this beef," Mirna whines. She's having a beef with the beef, heh heh. Okay, I'll stop now.

The BMs are fourth. "This is heavy!" one says. Pot? This is the kettle.

Ali tells Donny that he's being followed by a dog. He has my greatest respect for not replying, "Yes, I know, but you won't take a hint."

Joyce (to Bob): "Slow and steady, take deep breaths, babe." Wow, this whole Race is like "Viagra Night" for them.

Now, suddenly, the camera zooms in on a giant "Yield" sign in the middle of the sidewalk, next to a TAR box. This, Phil explains, is the new twist. There is only one Yield per leg, and you can only use a Yield once. The team that uses it can keep a team already behind them from going forward for a predetermined amount of time, represented by a giant egg timer on top of the box. If a team approaches this box, and sees their picture on it, they have to stop there, turn the timer over, and they can't go anywhere until all the sand is gone, even if other teams pass by them. So it's like a Fast Forward, except instead of merely helping your own team get ahead, you hold another team back. It's deviously lovely.

No one uses it.

The Bradys and Olsens finally find their clue box back at the marina. They've been searching for nearly a half-hour, because as they find it, they say, "Hurry, the other teams are getting ready to disembark!" I wonder how long it would take them to find their a$$es with both hands. It might help if they had opposable thumbs.

The 9 a.m. teams have no trouble finding the clue box.

Ali is carrying Donny's backpack along with hers. He stops, briefly, to catch his breath and get a better grip on his meat (you'd think he'd have practiced that well enough by now), and Ali informs him that's the last time he's stopping. Rather than say, "Shut UP, you stupid cow, if you think it's so easy, YOU carry it," he does exactly what she says.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: The most important and attractive feature on any guy is his backbone. Which means nearly every guy on this show is so ugly he makes blind kids cry.

Team Depends is hanging in there, but the BMs are catching up. Locals along the way are trying to hand them small cups of a beverage, like water stands at a marathon.

Where is Team Tattoo? Let's follow Mirna's whining, shall we? "Charla, help me, God help me!" "I'm trying," says God, "But you're too stupid. Besides, I'm too busy trying to help Brandon and Nicole, my peeps."

Mirna complains that the meat is 100 pounds and besides, she doesn't even LIKE beef. Charla runs over, grabs Mirna's pack, and takes off again. "If I can do this, you can do that," she says. Mirna drops the meat on the ground. She takes off the gloves and tries to carry the meat like that. "I don't care if I get mad cow disease," she says, showing off her grasp of epidemiology. And still, she whines and wheedles and "God help me, God help me"s until she just gives up. Charla's eyes roll so far back she nearly falls over, but at least it wouldn't be a long trip.

When we return from commercial break, Team Tugger has dropped off the beef and gotten their next clue.

Now, pay attention with me here. The clue says, "Your next clue is waiting across the street from the blue and white hotel at 423 Main Street."

Pop Quiz #3: Which part of this is difficult to understand?

A. The "street" part
B. The "blue & white hotel" part
C. The "across" part
D. What was the question again?

Team Tugger hails a cab and go. The Moms and Team Depends deliver the beef and get clues.

Mirna is so completely incapable of carrying things that they recruit a local to act as a pack animal. Charla insists that she should carry the meat. "You can't do that," Mirna says. "Yes, I can," insists Charla. "No, you can't." "Yes, I can, yes, I can!" And Irving Berlin turns in his grave.

So, now Charla is carrying the beef. The local is carrying both of their packs. And Mirna is carrying…jack-squat. She is also so busy encouraging Charla that she misses the butcher shop entirely.

The Olsens are carrying beef. "Nothing like a big chop of a$$ in your face," one says. Now, girls, what you do in the privacy of your own bedroom is really none of our business.

The Bradys are next.

Pop Quiz #4: Who is carrying the meat for the Bradys?

A. The 20-something, physically fit daughter
B. A local
C. The daughter is carrying both packs while dad carries the meat
D. The 50-something father with hours-old stitches on a bum knee, who is also carrying his pack

The correct answer, of course, is D.

Mirna continues to encourage Charla until it becomes clear that there are no other teams nearby. They ask for directions and find out they have the carry the meat back four blocks. "I'm so proud of Charla, she's working SO hard!" gushes Mirna. Yep, it's tough carrying your lame a$$. They finally deliver the beef, followed closely by the Olsens and the Bradys.

And now? It's time for another installment of "Why Stupid People Shouldn't Breed":

Donny: You didn't give me the clue.
Ali: You know what? I'm not going to let you hold that pack anymore if you can't do this.
Donny: Oh, wait, here it is.
Ali: Yeah. Do you want to apologize?
Donny: (in a small voice) I'm sorry.
A: Don't DO that.
D: You can't stand not being in control.
A: (smiling) I love controlling you.

I wish I were making this up.

He then pulls out a knife he had secreted in his pack from the butcher shop and stabs her repeatedly. I wish I weren't making that up.

The BMs and Team Depends have taxis, and Team Tattoo is whistling frantically for one.

Teams Thumper, Rerun, Rainman, and Red Shirt deliver the meat nearly simultaneously. Team Rainman asks the locals to call them a taxi, definitely a taxi, while the other teams go down the street to the taxi stand. The Olsens take the first one.

Chip and Kim deliver the beef – still the bottom feeders – and stand by the brothers, who change their request to two taxis. They climb in and head off.

At the taxi stand, Team Thumper gets a taxi, followed by The Bradys and Team Tattoo. All that remain are Team Red Shirt and Team Rerun. Erika spots a taxi and Dennis lets Team Rerun have it. Apparently, he is still all broken up about everyone thinking he's the bad guy from the incident at the airport, so he wants to perform a "good faith" gesture to show that he's still a nice guy. This puts Team Red Shirt in dead last place.

"Are you cool with that?" Dennis asks. Sure, why wouldn't she be, what with being in a cutthroat race for a million dollars where the team in dead last place gets eliminated?

Erika: We're in dead last.
Dennis: We are not.
A graphic flashes up underneath them that reads: Dennis/Erika, Dead Fvcking Last.

Dennis opines, "Other teams passed us because I was such a nice guy. I feel like I disappointed Erika." He says this like it's news.

They finally get a taxi, and she cracks at him for being "Mr. Fairplay" but without the dead grandma. "Oh, so now it's MY fault?" he asks. "It's always your fault," she replies. I hate when couples get all mushy like that.

Speaking of doomed relationships, Ali and Donny have arrived at The Blue and White Hotel. They don't see the marker, so they go around to the back of the hotel to the casino. "We are not across the street," Alison notices, in a burst of clarity. They leave, go across the street, and find the clue box, along with the BMs and Team Depends.

Detour Time! It's Zips or Chips. In Zips, they have to go across a horizontal zipline between the two towers of the hotel and then a zipline 18 stories down into the pool. In Chips, they go to the casino and are given 20 chips to use at roulette. If they win, they get a clue; if they lose all their chips, they have to do Zips anyway.

BMs decide to do Zips, convinced that 20 chips at a roulette wheel is far from a sure thing, as do Team Tugger and Team Depends. The BMs go first, followed by Tugger.

The Olsens retrace the steps of Team Tugger…only they aren't struck by the same brainstorm Ali was (keep in mind, a brainstorm for her is still only a light drizzle). They go directly to the roulette table. They can only play 5 chips at a time, and you can also only bet numbers. Vegas odds of winning: 6 to 1 with a five-number bet, unless you consider that CBS has planted a magnet under the wheel.

The teams doing Zips are now heading into the pool. Ali says, "I'm scared of heights, but I love Donny and I don't want to be the one that's keeping him behind." Don't worry, you're not keeping him behind. Down, maybe, but not behind. She grabs the clue in the pool and swims to the side. Even the water is glad to be rid of her.

They now have to travel 10 miles to Punta Viana ("Vinatieri Should Punt"), where they will find the pit stop, Casa Pueblo ("Brick House", followed shortly thereafter by "Play That Funky Music {White Boy}"). It would help if Ali and Donny could find their way out of the hotel.

Team Token can't find the box, either, and do the same thing as the Olsens.

The second BM zips. She climbs out of the pool, wearing her now-wet, clinging white "Bowling Moms" shirt. I may never sleep again.

Moms (confessional): I bet the other teams just look at us and think we're Bowling Moms. But we're going to surprise them and make them say, "OMG, I can't believe those mothers did that!"

Except the other teams will probably throw another word in there somewhere.

The Olsens bet and lose. "I've never played roulette before, so I don't know the premise behind it," one says. See the little ball? You have to try to guess which of the 38 numbered slots it's going to land in. If you stand really close to her, you can hear the ocean.

They bet again. They win, and take their clue.

Team Token finds the casino. Team Rainman, unsurprisingly, takes the option that requires the least physical exertion and opts for Chips. Also, they're wearing their lucky K-Mart underwear.

Team Token bets and loses. Both teams now bet. Team Token loses again, but Team Rainman wins on their first try.

Note to self: Buy K-Mart underwear before next trip to Atlantic City.

Donny runs down the steps to the street. Ali follows, falling on her butt on the way down. Vegas odds of us laughing at this: bets are off. Now everyone is looking for taxis.

Team Token finally places a bet that wins and runs out and jumps in their taxi. Kim says, "I'm really surprised we didn't have a Detour." I'm really surprised she can remember to breathe.

Team Olsen is also working through the whole "We did a task but never found the clue" issue in their taxi.

Team Depends Zips, changes their absorbent undergarments, and heads down to find a taxi.

Meanwhile, back at the clue box, Team Thumper and Team Brady take their clues, and they all opt for Zips. Marsha³ says to her Dad, "We have to get to the roof, so we have to go IN the hotel…" Mind like a steel trap, that one. They take the stairs rather than wait for an elevator, which is always a good idea when one of your teammates has a bum knee.

Charla and Mirna arrive at the clue box. Mirna nearly has a seizure when she reads the word "casino." "We're gambling phenomenons! It's a sign!" she yells. Yes, Mirna of Arc, and the sign says "No Right Turns, 9 p.m. to 5 a.m."

Team Rerun gets their clue and decides to Zip it, and Zip it good.

Team Brady finds themselves in the casino and can't get out, despite trying a light switch to open the doors. But I suppose if you're the kind of team that looks for a manual release on a car trunk when you have keys, you might think that a light switch operates a door.

Team Rerun Zips. "I was worried," says Christie, "but I just stared at the line and forgot where I was at. Speaking of which, Colin, our bedroom ceiling needs painting."

Team Tattoo bets at the roulette table and loses, then bets again and wins. Please note, every team who chose Chips won. Why couldn't this be Russian Roulette? They get the clue, and Mirna begs, "Just one little game of blackjack. I can stop whenever I want, I swear." Charla gets a ladder, climbs it, slaps Mirna twice, climbs down, and they head to the taxis.

At Casa Pueblo, Teams Token and Olsen arrive. Chip and Kim round the corner and spy Phil, standing with Miss Uruguay, who quickly stands up and wipes her mouth as Phil does his own Zips. Team Token arrives at the Doormat of Fate as Team 1, only to be told that they missed a route marker and must retrieve it before they're allowed to check in. They are stunned and convinced this makes them deader meat than the beef they carried.

Team Olsen arrives, and, well, go back and read the last couple of sentences. They all run for the taxis. Team Token: "The only way we have a chance is if we have someone as equally lame as us." Which should be good news for them.

Brandon and Nicole Zip. Nicole yells at Brandon while he's Zipping, "Look at that butt! That harness really makes you look fat!" They run for a taxi.

Team Rerun Zips and runs for a taxi.

Back at Casa Pueblo, Ali and Donny stomp into the parlor. The sky opens up and four horsemen appear. Rivers turn to blood, and the moon and sun collide. Not only are they Team Number One, they also win a trip to Hawaii, because there's nothing more romantic than fighting with a different backdrop.

Donny: "To be first feels good. It means that we're leading and everyone else is behind us." Very good. Now tell us what sound the horsey makes.
Ali: "We fight when we're frustrated, which is why we thought the Race was a good idea. I want to work out a healthy relationship rather than this dysfunctional one." Yeah, and you also don't plan on getting a nose job because you're happy with that honker you have.

Team Red Shirt has finally arrived at the Blue and White Hotel.

Team Rainman is Team Number Two. "If I'd have known SHE was here, I'd have gotten here a lot quicker," Lance says. Phil hands him a towel, and they run off to watch Wheel of Fortune.

Team BM is Team Number Three, which is proof of the basic unfairness of life and how much the universe hates me.

The two teams of rejects are still heading back to the clue box.

Team Depends is Team Number Four. Since it's coming up on 4:30 in the afternoon, they head off to find a dinner somewhere with an Early Bird Special.

Team Tattoo is heading to the pit stop in the cab. Mirna says dreamily, "I can't wait to see Phil. He's gorgeous!" For a girl who spends a lot of time in casinos, she sure don't get out much. They are Team Number Five. Mirna embraces Phil, who looks terrified. I can't blame him, what with the mad cow and all. Plus, he's still a little radioactive from his last mammogram.

Team Brady Zips. I do not envy Jim when his knee hits the pool water. They head for a taxi.

Team Token finally finds the clue box, realizes that there is no further task for them to undertake, and races back to the pit stop in their taxi.

Team Red Shirt is Zipping. Wow. I wonder who will be last.

Team Olsen…well, read that part about Team Token I just wrote because I'm too lazy to even copy and paste it.

Team Brady and Team Red Shirt get taxis. The editing makes it look like this is neck and neck, but that would mean that Team Brady took about 20 minutes to find a cab outside a busy hotel.

Team Thumper arrives at Number Six. Trumpets sound. God chimes in, "I'm God and I approve this placement."

Team Rerun is Team Number Seven.

The remaining four teams are en route. The editing again would like to make us think there may be some possible change in team order, but here comes Team Token as Team Number Eight, closely followed by Team Olsen at Team Number Nine.

Both remaining teams are nervous. "This is for the gold!" Marsha³ exclaims. Yes, the gold…you know, that prize the Olympics give out to the team that just barely ekes out not coming in dead last. Jim pats her hand sadly.

Team Brady does make it and becomes Team Number Ten. "Nobody ever died from pain," Jim says, "although that daughter of mine is likely to die if she doesn't stop being one."

Which means that Team Red Shirt is the last team to arrive, and they are eliminated. I know, I know, I'm surprised, too, but we'll have to move on with our lives. Somehow.

Erika: "We knew his kindness could be our downfall, but I'd rather be with a nice guy who has one brain cell, and it's fighting for dominance, than with a jerk, even if he CAN tie his own shoelaces."
Dennis: "I really am sorry. We lost because of me."
Erika: "Don't worry. It doesn't matter, because we love each other." Which is code for, "I'll just remind you of it at every possible opportunity and it'll give me moral high ground for two years, minimum."

They reaffirm their love for each other. Odds of not retching: 20 to 1 against.

Next week, on The Amazing Race: Same sh!t, different country.

I've re-read this 5 times, and it ain't getting any less unfunny, so here it is.

• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",Fishercat, 03:11 AM, 07-11-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",Estee, 06:30 AM, 07-11-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",AugustGirl, 08:34 AM, 07-11-04
• **gasp**,anotherkim, 09:20 AM, 07-11-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",greenmonstah, 09:27 AM, 07-11-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",Steen, 09:30 AM, 07-11-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",J Slice, 10:02 AM, 07-11-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",brvnkrz, 10:05 AM, 07-11-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",Schnookie Palookie, 10:26 AM, 07-11-04
• I am speechless!,moonbaby, 10:45 AM, 07-11-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",qwertypie, 01:04 PM, 07-11-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",Deonna, 02:19 PM, 07-11-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",strid333, 03:45 PM, 07-11-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",Puffy, 05:08 PM, 07-11-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",I_AM_HE, 05:17 PM, 07-11-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",PepeLePew13, 09:51 AM, 07-12-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",Molaholic, 01:46 PM, 07-12-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",Rothschild, 02:38 PM, 07-12-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",Bebo, 02:56 PM, 07-12-04
  • RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",ginger, 03:15 PM, 07-12-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",Siren, 03:44 PM, 07-12-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",tjstein, 03:58 PM, 07-12-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",PlumBlossom, 05:34 PM, 07-12-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",dajaki, 09:34 PM, 07-12-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",AMAI, 02:32 PM, 07-13-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",buckeyegirl, 03:56 PM, 07-13-04
• That was Lighter-Encore good,FesterFan1, 05:06 PM, 07-13-04
• *applause*,rasslinmomma, 08:04 AM, 07-14-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",PapaBear, 03:06 PM, 07-14-04
• wow,TeamJoisey, 05:53 PM, 07-14-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",L82LIFE, 05:57 PM, 07-14-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",true, 10:23 PM, 07-14-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",BOYmeetsREALITY, 01:41 PM, 07-19-04
• RE: Official SB TAR Summary, Episode One: "Where's the Beef?",samboohoo, 08:31 AM, 07-30-04

decided (on a whim), to come on at 2:30 in the morning (EST), and lo and behold (or is it low and behold?), I find the summary up. Superb job in capturing the thoughts of America, at least the America who could beat the Olsens in an IQ test. I loved it. The sparse but notable football jokes thrown in there (Namely the Jamal Lewis crack (no pun intended) and the Vinatieri translation) only made it all the better.

Marsha cubed...heheh...
---

There are other reasons Uruguay are downers, 23 pesos for a buck is one thing, Donny and Alison infestation is a second

He then pulls out a knife he had secreted in his pack from the butcher shop and stabs her repeatedly. I wish I weren't making that up.

So say we all.

(And now the gold standard for unfunny is set. The rest of us have a lot to live down to.)

*stands up and cheers*

Absolutely, positively FABULOUS! Great job Sami. If this is unfunny, I don't know funny. I loved all the Ali-HO/Donny-Schmoe bashing.

This: Ali tells Donny that he's being followed by a dog. He has my greatest respect for not replying, "Yes, I know, but you won't take a hint." made me laugh out loud. All of it did, but I really enjoy Ali bashing. Fabulous job! Thank you.

a JSlice original. isn't she something?