LAST EDITED ON 10-14-17 AT 11:05 AM (EST)Nasty McBathrooms here, and I'd like to continue my rant against Kingfish, the lowlife who took over my sweet abode for his own narcissistic reasons last week. And his disgusting hygiene habits. I'm not doing this for myself (yes I am) but as a public service. If you ever run across KF in person, you will know what I mean. I wasn't named Nasty for no reason. I mean I can out stink an elephant's latrine all by myself too, so when I get grossed out you should listen.
My band of super sleuthy girls spies from the Really Really Raunchy Girls Prep(-aration H) School of Naked Jello Wrestling Holds and Making Vespa Chopper Exausts Sound Like Elephant Farts almost rebelled when they saw the mess. I had to let them use the space suits I stole that accidentally fell out of a NASA truck while it was parked at a Buc-ees Truck stop in Dallas.
We are still finding dead rats in the sink drains, and live rats swimming around in the commodes. He not only missed with No 1, he missed with No 2. There are three layers of KFC chicken bones and pizza crusts. Below that are several inches of something that is black and has waving tentacles. I'm thinking that it's a new lifeform that was about to gain malefic consciousness.
So you can understand why I am appalled with this mess. I prefer my own messes, TYVM. As do my darling delectable and always willing Spoiler retrieval squad of girl spies.
And, the stench? Whooo boy, I think it's going to take a truckload of air fresheners to deal with that. But no worry, You can find anything you need at Alice's Restaurant Buc-ee's Truck stop. (I like their homemade teriyaki venison jerky, made from deer remains scraped off the grills of Mack trucks and Freightliners, and cured on long, slow, cross country trips. Yum Yum.)
However, I realize that the rant has to end and that I have a job to do, mainly presenting you with the world's greatest and latest Survivor Spoilers, which, coincidently were also scraped off of 16 wheeler truck grills.
Truck Grill Scraping Spoiler #1: OK, I'll admit my ardor for the newly departed Simone was diminished recently with she revealed that she finally managed to shit in the surf. Where everyone bathes. And catches their food. And lolls around to stay cool. It feels like the shit show that Kingfish left behind in the Palm Tree Condo all over again. Still, I'm sure I'll be dazzled by her at the reunion, and am keeping alive my hopes of a three way with Ali.
Also, wearing a pant suit and knee high boots to a survival campout? I didn't notice that until after she left, because while she was there those eyes were all (almost all) I could see.
Truck Grill Scraping Spoiler #2: Ali. She fills that Bikini (or is that fancy underwear? either way...) very nicely. And, just to balance that female objectifying statement, and just to show that I'm not a total chauvinist, I think she has a beautiful brain and a beautiful personality too. They all fit well in that Bikini (underwear, whatever). And when she walks away...OK, I'm stopping right there.
Truck Grill Scraping Spoiler #3: The Hustlers moved to throw their crazy red headed step child off the island. He was not happy about it, but he'll probably just find another land crab to waltz around with, and forget all about his eviction. His memory, IQ, and attention span are probably comparable to that of his dance companion.
Truck Grill Scraping Spoiler #4: Jess shared a personal detail with Cole - she is a virgin. To hide his eager embarrassment (and his sudden erection) he reciprocated with the only thing that he could think of at the moment, that Joe has an HI. So now he's thinks he's in love. And she thinks she's in love. Then Cole tells the rest of the tribe that Joe has a HI, making that knowledge not so special anymore (certainly not up to "I'm a virgin" standards), and now Jess thinks Cole is a dumbass. Which he is.
Truck Grill Scraping Spoiler #5: Shambo to the rescue? Who knows, maybe she's lurking, there are chickens involved. And apparently they just laid a dozen eggs. So the question remains, will the winners of the IC that were rewarded with the chickens kill and eat the chickens and have three (or four) meals, or will they let them live and have eggs everyday for the rest of the time they are there.
Truck Grill Scraping Spoiler #6: Another question, who will inherit the chickens after the upcoming merge? And the merge after that? And will the chickens survive those mergers also? This game has not been nice to chickens in the past. (Also, I'm thinking, tonight, a KFC bucket for dinner? Yes, for sure, a bucket of dead chicken meat will just hit the spot.)
Truck Grill Scraping Spoiler #7: Lauren says she played baseball and can hit a catcher in the forehead from center field. And I believe her. And I noticed that she has a bag of coconuts that she takes to TC. Jeff probably should be wearing blood spatter proof fishing shirts this season, there will be carnage if Lauren gets a ticket to ride.
Truck Grill Scraping Spoiler #8: Continuing the series of Ryan sayings, He says he wants to shine his crappy little tricycle.
Another is his claim to never having been in a relationship (put this in the really sad column).
It looks like Ryan-isms are going to be an ongoing feature of this thread.
Nasty McBathrooms
If it's yellow, it's mellow. If it's brown, flush it down. Also flush it if it's swimming.
LAST EDITED ON 10-13-17 AT 08:02 PM (EST)Another episode in the books means another mission for the Aruba Commission.
FINDING #1 – Patrick is a sore loser. OK, no earth shattering find here. But had he made the Jury, he would have joined scores of former disgruntled players whose Bitter Betty approach of voting resulted in a less deserving castaway being awarded the million dollars by default. At this time, the Commission would like to thank the Hustler tribe for preventing at least one potential Bitter Betty Juror.
A thank you is also extended to Kingfish for leaving Desi available in his threesome fantasy. Thoughtful acts such as that will NOT go unrewarded.
FINDING #2 – Lauren revealing she’s a mom made Ryan’s grievance over never having a relationship and reaching the depths of desperation by asking Probst to hook him up even more pathetic. Although, his excitement over coveting Simone’s Hooker Boots made his distress call a bit more believable. Should he continue his solid gameplay and be rewarded a million dollars before the end of this year, the Commission determines his dating status will take an immediate turn for the better.
FINDING #3 – Innuendos...rather suggestive innuendos we might add. It may have gone over the heads of some casual viewers, but it did not escape the Aruba Commission.
• INNUENDO #1 – JP returns to the Hero tribe from his fishing expedition and his groupie Ashley looks downward and exclaims, “Look at that size, JP!” Now at waist level JP does have a fish on the end of the spear gun...but it is a rather small fish by this Commission’s standards.
• INNUENDO #2 – During the challenge, Chrissy from the Healer tribe shouts out in frustration, “I can’t get it up!” Her suggestive interpretation is a bit more understandable as she is staking blocks...even though she is on top of two guys while making her desperate plea.
The FCC has been put on alert.
The Commission decided to save the best finding for last:
FINDING #4 – The woman who claims her “kisses are private” minutes after planting a wet one on Cole in a most non-private manner in front of millions and millions of primetime TV viewers made another startling claim—She’s a virgin.
The Commission worked double time on this one and here are its findings:
Jessica was tricked into thinking she could “regain” her virginity by ordering an Artificial Hymen Kit off a 2:00am Informercial at the amazing low price of $19.99. She took advantage of the special TV offer and upgraded her shipping to next day deliver at absolutely no additional cost! BUT WAIT!! By calling in the next 15 minutes she received free consultation from world renowned plastic surgeon Dr. Coochenburg who specializes in the area of Hymenoplasty.
The Commission knew something had to be up when we embarked on a season with no apparent sightings of any artificial bobbies.
The Aruba Commission foresees working overtime next week on the tribal switch episode when theories are certain to be conspired by those hoping for different outcomes or refusing to acknowledge “luck of the draw” truly does occur.
"1. Desi isn't being overlooked. Eyes on Jessica too."
I’m sure you’re not overlooking Desi...but I still appreciate you keeping her out of your fantasy and leaving her available for me.
"2. Still don't understand Ryan's knee boot fantasy, but considering he also has a shiny tiny tricycle fantasy, I'm sure I don't want to know."
HMMM, are you sure Ryan’s tricycle was HIS fantasy...or one of Michel’s conspired opinions that it was “scripted” by Production.
"3. Ashley is obviously fantasying about a very, very electric eel."
Keeping with the aquatic metaphor, Ashley is really fantasizing over JP’s “trouser trout.”
"4. According to Jessica, it's not sex if it's rear entry."
In that case Jessica can return the Artificial Hymen Kit and take advantage of the 30-day money back guarantee.