LAST EDITED ON 10-10-16 AT 03:38 PM (EST)

Here I am once again, with my Pornstache reglued on, your boy, King Goldfish, reporting to you from the coconut studio atop the tallest palm tree on the island. You will be relieved to hear that I'm alive and well, in fact for the past week I've been living the vida loca - sipping Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain.

The view from up top is terrific except for the bags of contaminated meat on the beach that call themselves Survivors. They don't brush, they don't floss, they don't wash their hands, use deodorant, or even comb their hair. (What? no toilet paper? no problem!) They parade around in their underwear like no one is watching, even though camera men and sound men are thick as fleas (speaking of which, there is no parasite control either). It's almost enough to put me off my Lagavulin 16yo single malt scotch and grilled shrimp taco brunch. If they only knew what luxuries exist just a death defying coconut palm tree climb away. Last season an agile climber named Tai almost made it all the way up, but a few kicks to the head and a bonking with a coconut stopped him. Thankfully it also erased his memory. Nice guy, but he almost got to the wine cellar, and no one, not Santa, not Ghandi, not even Jesus himself gets into my aged Montepulciano wine locker. No one.

Except my favorite little playmate spy girl friends, they keep the cellar stocked so they can use it as their own. I am the titular head of the gang. Why? Simple. I head for the tits. And the tits I head for are on the slyest band of honey trap spies in the world. In the known universe, if I may be candid. In addition to keeping the kitchen and cellar stocked they gather the Spoilers that I present to you every week. And all are graduates of a really really raunchy girls school known as the Really Really Raunchy Woman's Finishing School of Culinary and Mechanical Arts. They only rule we have is that after they get finished chopping their Mopeds, that they wipe the grease off their tits.

But we have business to attend to, so, while I sip my dry Andalucían sherry;

Sip. Sip. Gulp, gulp. Glug glug glug, Ahhh! Spoiler: #1 Inch worm CeCe. I don't think that CeCe realizes that she's in a competition yet.

Sip. Sip. Gulp, gulp. Glug glug glug, Ahhh! Spoiler: #2 Zeke will go into mourning when his pet caterpillar-stache wanders off in the middle of the night and gets pinched by a band of marauding beach crabs. His replacement 'stache came from his short and curlys. (I know, Eeewwww! Also - awesome.)

Sip. Sip. Gulp, gulp. Glug glug glug, Ahhh! Spoiler: #3

Law and Order, Part 1. (Chung CHUNG)!

Jessica the island DA breaks the news to enforcement officer Bret that he doesn't have enough evidence to keep Paul locked up on the island after Paul invoked his right to legal council, which happen to be ZZ-top (Audience - "GASP!")(continued).

Sip. Sip. Gulp, gulp. Glug glug glug, Ahhh! Spoiler: #4

Law and Order, Part 2. (Chung CHUNG)!

Because of the self-incriminating statements he gave after he insisted on testifying, Paul is condemned to extinguish his fire and walk the plank. Such is the law of the sea and the life of a pirate. (Heave Ho, and we'll blow the man down).

Sip. Sip. Gulp, gulp. Glug glug glug, Ahhh! Spoiler: #5 The island drama around Ken continues. It seems that all his life people have been calling him Ken Doll because of his athletism, perfect looks, and perfect body. This has caused him to live his life as a hermit, no one wants to talk to him, no one wants him to be their friend, he eats alone, he goes to movies all alone, and when anyone tries to talk to him, he knows that they are just pitying him and his Ken doll body, and he slinks off without making eye contact.

Sip. Sip. Gulp, gulp. Glug glug glug, Ahhh! Spoiler: #6

Question of the week; Quien is mas lighter than Skeletor Dave?

My guess, Helium Man? Anti-gravity man?

Sip. Sip. Gulp, gulp. Glug glug glug, Ahhh! Spoiler: #7

This week is not looking good for Michaela. She is waiting for her gut to tell her what to do, and when. We saw how well that worked for Lex.

(Witnessed by Tribe, LLC)