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"Be The Survivor: S30 Ep11: "Russian Dressing Roulette""
Posted by RollDdice on 04-29-15 at 08:55 PM

Extreme heat. Exhausting working conditions. Native girls that will make a PET scan of your brain look like the deli cheese case in Zurich. And let's not even talk about the CBS executives sending us countless Whitman Samplers of amphetamines so that we can keep up this ridiculous schedule.

In other words, eventually strategy and gameplay go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Tonight we'll have two Immunity Necklaces, Dan's "extra vote" gift certificate and the usual HIIs floating around.

And Tyler touches Dan's bag. Eww.



Mark "Look under your chair. You get an HII!! And you get an HII!!" Burnett
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Messages in this discussion
"This time, Rod gets this close,"
Posted by kingfish on 04-30-15 at 11:18 AM
LAST EDITED ON 04-30-15 AT 04:54 PM (EST)

(Hold your arms out at maximum length. Yeah, that’s about right. Hey, you want to go up against a Texas oil field roughneck’s hand and forearm strength? No way, Southie).

(Of course, blowhards Dan and Will are among the first to drop).

Hello, Coconut Bob here, bobbing around in my new swimming pool at the, I guess I’m at about the 40th floor right now? Near as I can tell, anyway. I had been bobbing around in the roof top swimming pool that I just had installed above the 60th floor of my replica Rockefeller plaza in my replica Manhattan Island on my secret hide-out island with some of my Really Really Really Raunchy girls from the RRR R Girls Finishing School of Murder, Mayhem, and May I Have More Pie, Please. But it seems that something gave way and suddenly the pool with myself and the aforementioned sultry, sleek, and seductive babes, began a slow decent thru the floors.

Maybe we should have had someone check the load bearing capacity of the building before we installed the pool, I don’t know. Oh well, live and learn, I guess. I guess I’ll just have to fire all those people that were working in the intervening floors. And the swimming pool architect. He should go too.

But I can’t really blame the construction crew. I hired a bunch of illegal immigrants, gave them fake green cards, and expected them to not notice the sea of loveliness and raunchy curviness that were there sunning themselves. We have a mandatory topless bottomless dress code for the pool. Well, it’s possible that some of the nails didn’t get hammered in all the way, maybe some rivets didn’t get riveted, and maybe the distraction caused a few support beams to be mislaid. But who could blame them.

Besides, it was educational and we learned a lot of Spanish euphemisms, like“Que bonita, mamacita, you so fine”, and “Que grandes melones”, and “Venga aqui, e siente en mi boca, cita”. And like that. Very educational, and I believe that I am now linguistically equipped to visit any bordello in any Spanish speaking country in the world. Which will come in handy because my girls are often asked to teach courses in foreign bordellos.

Fortunately, the centers of my show, the RRR R girls were unaffected. They were either with me in the pool, or in the deep subterranean dungeons where they keep their special “toys”. The atmosphere there is just right for some of the games they like to play. The EPMB is well acquainted with those rooms.

Sultry Spoiler #1: OK, lets begin with the spoilers that aren’t really surprise spoilers.

1. Rod, as usual, is his ass-h*!e self as the evictee, Shirin, walks the plank.
2. Rod’s new (old) plan to evict Mike fails. Again. And also again, he gets outwitted by Mike.
3. And as usual, Dan spends every moment he can lecturing (he calls some of his lectures “apologies”). Dan lectures Shirin, Dan lectures Sienna, Dan lectures Mike, Dan lectures Carolyn, Dan lectures Tyler, Dan lectures Will, Dan even unnecessarily corrects Jeff at IC, and his lecture to Rod at IC is especially grating.

Sultry Spoiler #2: Once again, Dan needs to open a reference book, and look up how to use the word “Karma”. Why in the world would Shirin be grateful to Will? Also, a mirror would help him locate the real Drama Queen at camp.


Sultry Spoiler #3: Shirin demonstrates her finely tuned HR executive personnel evaluation skills when she says “Will is stupid”. Now we know that she’s good for something besides monkey sex. (Sorry Coco, I tried).


Sultry Spoiler #4: This is not new, but bears noting. Once again, cheap reward. A sail boat ride. Whoo Hoo. And burgers. Admittedly, those burgers probably looked pretty good to the survivors, and kudos to EPMB for no product placement there. I’m sure that that’s because the BK check didn’t get there in time.


Sultry Spoiler #5: Mr. Drama Queen, Dan, felt so bad for Rod (who hasn’t been on reward yet, and who doesn’t let anyone forget that), that he decided not to give up his place on the boat for him. That's how bad he felt for Rod. In one of his more admireable moments, Jeff called Dan on his specious bluster.

To paraphrase Rachael Reilly, “Don’t get between Dan and his hamburger”. And he didn’t get that girth by passing on the shake or fries, either.


Sultry Spoiler #6: Rod again. Memorable quote from the biggest self-deceived putz on the island (Jeff excluded) :

“I’m running the show” (ed. this is after every strategy and every plan Rod has made failed), “I’m the biggest threat” (ed. this is after never winning Reward or Immunity), “I have the personality” (ed. most confessionals say otherwise), “and I have the numbers” (ed. he has the numbers in the 'acting the ass' category).



"Nut Gallery Interview..."
Posted by suzzee on 04-30-15 at 02:57 PM
Good Morning Nut Gallery, in a nutshell tell the viewers your opinion of Dan, Rodney, Will and Season 30.

, , ,

and

Thank you, and now a word from our sponsors.



Bring on the carnage.


"Would you buy a used camel from this guy?"
Posted by suzzee on 04-30-15 at 03:07 PM
Hey Dan! If you're wondering if anyone is buying into that concerned, fatherly act you're peddling you can stop now. That is all.



Bring on the carnage.

"When Dan's in Rome, they do as he does."
Posted by kingfish on 04-30-15 at 03:41 PM
LAST EDITED ON 04-30-15 AT 04:56 PM (EST)

Sultry Spoiler #7: This just in: Dan has been given the 'Most Interesting (in his own mind) Postman of The Year Plaque' due to his stopping to instruct everybody on his route on how to do whatever it is that they do.

The inscription on the plaque is "Dan knows everything".

(The USPS doesn't have very high standards, so this has to do.)


"RE: When Dan's in Rome, they do as he does."
Posted by Aruba on 05-01-15 at 07:04 AM
Spoiler #1 (add-on) – I believe you may have missed a stop on Dan’s worldwide “Lecture Tour.” At TC Dan lectures all the abused and battered victims of domestic violence that misery does indeed enjoy company. Their early childhood trauma can be equaled by all the kids adopted by a loving couple attempting to provide a much better life for them.

Spoiler #4 (add-on) – The BK check didn’t get to EPMB in time because it was probably on Dan’s route...due to his lecture tour mail will be delayed. It was probably in the same mailbag with checks from Coors, Bud, and Miller seeing alcohol has been a rare commodity this season.

Spoiler #5 (add-on) – Had Dan REALLY felt bad for Rodney and gave up his place for him on the reward, Jeff may have ordered Production to go on an alcohol run to test if the following mathematical equation can be proven: Rodney + Beer = Judd


Spoiler #8 – The Survivor historians are hard at work researching when was the last season none of the female castaways were sporting plastic boobies. If the research concludes it has never happened, Worlds Apart could be our first silicone-free season.

Spoiler #9 – When Mike pulled out his HII, I’m guessing Carolyn and Tyler were the least shocked knowing Carolyn found the HII at Masaya and everyone knows Jenn found hers at Nagarote; so they must have figured one of the Blue Collars have one as well. And assessing the usual suspects:

LINDSEY – her boot was not a blindside so she most likely would have played it,
KELLY – wouldn’t have started looking for the HII until Day 35 because we all know that’s her master strategy that would have made her the best player of the season in some eyes,
RODNEY – couldn’t find a HII if it was swinging from a tree and hitting him in the head,
DAN – would probably have a cardiac arrest five minutes into the search,
SIERRA – the only way she comes up with an idol is if it’s laying on a coattail for her,

So that can only leave...MIKE!

"RE: When Dan's in Rome, they do as he does."
Posted by kingfish on 05-01-15 at 08:45 AM
(See? You can do this! Great job)

Spoiler #1 (add-on): Yeah. The big one. He was actually lecturing the world wide viewing audience with that one. The pen I using to list the stops on his tour just didn't have enough ink to include all of his inane BS.

Spoiler #8: - I thought you were the spoiler historian!(I think I might hear from Michael about that one).

Spoiler #9: - True. If anyone that is left in that alliance has any ability to figure that out, it would be Tyler and Carolyn. Kelly might have, but she's gone, so it doesn't matter.

For Dan it would have "like the gold at the end of the rainbow", or some other inapt simile.

"RE: When Dan's in Rome, they do as he does."
Posted by Aruba on 05-01-15 at 06:32 PM
Thanks kingfish.

Michel is definitely the Monarch (or Cliff) Notes of Survivor. I'm more of a "what you saw is what you'll get" type of History teacher.

From an archaeological dig point of view we run neck and neck. Yet in the area of plastic boobies our findings will differ because what I have considered store bought in past seasons Michel has raved as "spectacularly" natural.

The reason I singled out Carolyn and Tyler is because they are the only ones who knew two HII were found before this last TC.

"RE: Would you buy a used camel from this guy?"
Posted by tribephyl on 05-01-15 at 11:24 PM
As a master strategist, I have to tell you your put downs are simple.
You sagging sac of baby batter. what is that between your nuts...a raisin? Just because you sire monkeys doesn't make you a master strategist.

Watch this, I'll blow on you and you'll change position...you floppers.
"Dan, Shirin's Monkey Father Figure. "
Posted by kingfish on 05-04-15 at 09:51 AM
LAST EDITED ON 05-05-15 AT 11:47 AM (EST)

Hey where's the monkey sex? They promised me monkey sex at the Ponderosa! Where is it? Do I really have to wait for Dan?

SHIRIN's Bikini Bottom

"RE: Be The Survivor: S30 Ep11: "Russian Dressing Roulette""
Posted by kingfish on 05-04-15 at 09:43 AM
Sultry Spoiler #8: Next season the EPMB has decided on a twist that Probst will call that most fun twist Survivor has ever seen. A claim that, as we all know, Jeff rarely makes. (heh).

Three tribes, the Island Cannibals called the "Fava beans with Liver - Yummm!" tribe, the Howler monkeys called the "Ooooh Ooooh Ooop Ooop" tribe, and the beach crabs, called the "Pinch and Sidle Away" tribe.

So far it's been difficult for him to recruit a "Dream Team" to try out the various challenge ideas, and the confessionals will be indecipherable, but at least he can be assured that the winner won't have a bank account or be able to cash the Million dollar check. (Cheap bastard!)