I thought everyone liked me! I must be seen as a huge threat. Yeah, that's it, a h-u-g-e threat. Now I can really play.

LAST EDITED ON 04-03-14 AT 07:37 PM (EST)

Hello? Yes, it‘s me Sam the Super Spoiler man. Who are you? Oh yeah? No thanks, I get calls all the time from “legitimate news outlets” (Hah! – double Hah!) wanting an interview with us. Who ever heard of CBS or NBC anyhow, and who deemed you legitimate? Not me, and since I am the greatest spoiler of all time, I should know.

But I’ll tell you what I tell all of them; I don’t do interviews. I don’t like to wear a tie, or any sort of clothing actually, and neither do any of the bevy of beautiful but really really raunchy graduates of the Really Really Raunchy Girls Finishing school who are so gifted and sneaky and sexy and who actually gather my spoilers.

Why won’t I? Because we are always misquoted, taken out of context, made to look silly, and after they broadcast the interviews there are always raids by the FBI, the CIA, Border Patrol, the IRS, and local lawdogs. And there is a posse of Federales still on our trail. And lawyers. Lots of lawyers. They are either after back alimony, child support, or they got subpoenas and are trying to get us into court to answer one frivolous accusation after another. Apparently we use drugs, we make moonshine, we hooraw small villages and their elected officials, we ride on Vespa choppers that have out of date tags and rear lights that don't work. You name it and they say they have pictures. Photo shopped, I have to add, you can’t possibly believe that they would break any laws, could you? Look at them, so eager to please, so cute and snuggly, so soft and giggly, so warm, so soft, those eyes, hands that eagerly anticipate all my needs…

Anyway, you can have a quote and that’s all. My girls are angels. The fact that they live on the darker side of life is just a testament to how angelic they are, and how much they love doing their jobs, and how dedicated they are to their research. It just so happens that their work is sexual experimentation and torture, and their research involves finding out just what sordid depths they need to go to in order to gather spoilers for you and me. They sacrifice themselves so that we can have better lives and know beforehand what is going to happen on islands infested with half naked castaways, cannibals, wild animals, (bats spiders, caterpillars, crabs, etc) and cruel sadistic slave drivers who shall remain nameless but are known as Jeff Probst and Mark Burnett.

So no thanks, no interviews. Besides, your check bounced last time.

On to those Sordid Spoilers, brought to us this week by a herd of dromedaries trekking thru burning sands and surviving blood thirsty Bedouins.

Sordid Spoiler #1: It’s a Murder Scene! Ok, here’s how it plays out. Sarah insists that she get her way with who they should vote out, and gets confrontational with Kass who wants to discuss another target. Sarah makes mean faces and says that she just won’t vote for anyone but her choice. So Kass feels harassed and bullied by Sarah. Tasha takes Sarah’s side and alienates Kass. Kass retaliates by flipping and voting with the other tribe at TC, and her swing vote gets Sarah kicked out.

And in her final confessional, Sarah just can’t figure out why the woman that she bullied and badgered and threatened doesn’t like her anymore and votes her out. Just can’t figure it out at all, she thought she was solid with Kass, she thought that that was how you make friends for life.

Lesson: Cops are stupid, just like I always thought. Stupid Cops!

Sordid Spoiler #2: Tony is cop stupid too. First, he says he’s enjoying the new tribe where there is no one being tricky or secretive. So his first move is to try and secretly trick Sarah into flipping. Which doesn’t work.

Then, he has it all figured out at TC. In his head he has it all figured out. After the Probst TC interrogation, he figures out that he is the target of the other alliance, so he shows his HI so that they won’t vote for him. Then after more talk from the other alliance that they now plan to switch votes to target #2, he surprises LJ (who already has a HI that he’s told no one about) with his HI, because Tony knows that LJ is #2. In his head, he knows this. Brilliant thinking Tony, except that you’re 100% wrong, Jefra was #2. Well, you can’t be right all the time, right? Let’s just go for being right once, OK?

LJ now has two HI’s.

LJ should be a cop, because he too is cop stupid. He shows his previously secret HI and gives it to Tony in a futile attempt at something ridiculous. It’s unknown exactly what LJ’s motive is, but whatever, it’s pointless and ridiculous. Or, to quote Courtney, Redonkulous.

LJ is cop stupid. It’s catching. Or, more likely, it’s casting.

Sordid Spoiler #3: In a lighter moment, fruit bats poop in their rice. Fun and hilarity ensue, and they get sick and die. (OK, that’s just in my fantasy. Oh that it were true!)

Sordid Spoiler #4: Also, just about the coolest boat in Survivor history will be used to transport the dumber tribe to the dumberer tribe for a merge. As she watches the boat approach, Tasha (Note, she’s a designated “Brain”? Just note that for now) says that she suspects that something is happening. Yeah Tasha, when a boat full of members of the other tribe is coming to your camp right after you’ve read tree mail that says that the other tribe will be coming to your camp, something might be happening.

Sordid Spoiler #5: In the cool move category of the week, Woo sneaks into the balance Immunity challenge wearing soft shoes. Good job, Wooey! You Probst boy now! (that is an entirely separate spoiler, BTW).

Sordid Spoiler #6: Also, it is revealed that hermit crabs aren’t the dumbest animals on the beach (see above).

Sordid Spoiler #7:

Nicknames for the week;
Sarah Sandwich (ask LJ and Jeramiah about that. Ask Jefra and Morgan about that. Ask the monitor lizards and the donkeys about that. Ask half the dream teamers, JP, and EPMB about that).
Tits Morgan (ask the sea breeze that lifted her from her balance float about that).
Tony the brain (kinda like calling a fatman “Tiny”)
Chaos Kass (her self dubbing. Appropriate.)

Tribe strikes again

“Agent Sugarpanties001 to Control TopDog001: I am closing in on the terrorist’ camps, apparently they have infiltrated and despoiled another innocent island. I don’t have eyes on the subjects yet, but I’ve heard the whining and bitching that Agent 003 reported before her signal disappeared. Over”.

“Control Topdog001 to Sugarpanties Agent001: Sounds like you're closing in on them. Have you coordinated the surveillance with the other Sugarpanty agents on the island. Over.”

“Agent SP001 to Control TD001: Negative. All contact lost after initiating operation "Dream Team infiltration". But their orders were to maintain strict radio silence until TC. Over.”

“Control TD001 to Agent SP001: That is correct Agent SP001, so why are you contacting Control? Over.“

“Agent SP001 to Control TD001: I was squatting in the bushes trying to overhear the terrorist Code named "Tony", when I learned that when squatting in the jungle without panties, one should be aware that big snakes like to crawl up damp hidden crevices. Quite a surprise for me, and one that occupied me for the rest of the night. But while I was coming to terms with the bright side of herpetology, I obtained some intelligence that I thought I should report ASAIWTWTB, ATBWTWM (as soon as I was through with the Boa, and the Boa was through with me). Over”

“Control TD001 to Agent SP001: Good work, SP001 way to use that cute little noggin of ours. And I am very envious of that Boa. So, turn on your super-encrypted sat-phone and relay the intelligence. Over”

“Agent SP001 to Control TD001: Sorry, I sat on the sat-phone. It’s no longer super-encrypted (I also sat on the Sat-Nav, so I’m no longer sure just where I am). I’ll just have to send this in Soprano speak. Heck, no one ever knew what they were saying, so it should be OK, right? Anyway, Tony was in his bada-boom shack, he was making noises “Ohh…Ohh…Ohh…, no one loves me like I love myself, no one understands me but my fist…, Ohh…Ohh…Ohh…, mama I’m coming home!!” So that’s it. Apparently Tony knows a guy named Fist, who he has feelings for, and there is a guy who knows a mama who going to come to a place. Over.”

“Control TD001 to Agent SP001: Very interesting, SP 001, very interesting indeed. Even without the cone of silence. For that you will receive a reward then you get back to headquarters. The reward in my pants YKWIM? And the real reason why we call this place headquarters? Ok, that’s enough unsecure Raunchy talk. Over”.

“Agent SP001 to Control TD001: Thanks control, but I just located Agent SP003, and we are going to use Tony’s Bada-Boom shack for a while, you know, to compare notes. See ya when we see ya.”

“Control TD001 to Agent SP001 and Agent SP003: Negative, you are both scheduled to give lectures at the Finishing School for Really Really Raunchy Girls on the how to torture a certain EPMB, and the refinements in the techniques that you both have made in the process. After all, it was you Agent SP001 that introduced the trailblazing technique "Poking with sharp sticks", and you Agent SP003 that made headlines with your introduction of "Beehive in the Crotch". So you see, you both have reputations to uphold, and the Students are very anxious to learn from their masters. Their Mistresses. Over”

“Agent SP001 and Agent SP003 to Control TD001: Over. But not out. Not just yet."

Tribe strikes again