I had this won, I came here to win, I need the million more than anyone on the planet.

Give me a mirror, do I have a pretty crying face?

LAST EDITED ON 03-27-14 AT 10:33 AM (EST)

You do dear, come here and lay your head on my shoulder.

There there, Daddy will make this all better. Just hang that bikini over there.

Horney Island Gods

>snort<

Spoilers, Spoilers, get yer red hot spoilers right here. Step right into this tent here, and for only one thin dime you can witness the greatest spoilers the world has ever seen.

We have an amazingly raunchy reporter so limber she can kiss the back of her head.

One so tall she can pick coconuts out of the tallest coconut palmtree.

One so short she looks up at sand. It is hard to keep up with “Li’l Bit”, but she manages to get the best spoilers because she is so short she can get right to the intimate secrets of her subjects. Occasionally the subject will scratch their secret intimate areas, but she’s good at hanging in there. Experience helps.

Another with a hairy monkey body. Another with no hair at all, she's bald as a bowling ball on top and has her personal wax specialist for down below. Amazingly, they are twins, and even more amazingly they are Siamese twins. That’s right, you heard me correctly, the amazing half bald half bearded half brazilian waxed conjoined raunch-o-rama Siamese twins. You might be surprised how many of both sexes have that as a secret fantasy and would spill all their beans for one romp in the palapa hut with her. Them. Whatever.

And are they raunchy? Why of course, all of the strange curiosities that I’ve managed to collect over the years and who have all met my really really raunchy requirements and graduated from my Really Really Raunchy Girls School of Thespian Acts (wait, is that the word I want? I’ll check it out and get back to you later) of Raunch, and of Motorcycle Repair are here and just waiting to show you their really really raunchy spoilers.

You can only find this kind of entertainment here, folks, so step right up and buy a ticket. Buy several, invite all your friends and family (maybe not the wifey), but no old people with weak hearts, because what you will see in here is only for those with strong hearts who can appreciate a bit of raunch in their lives.

Raunchy Spoiler #1: Last week Jeff’s instruction to “Drop your Drawers” didn’t work, so he went to plan B and told the tribes to drop their buffs. Kind of a disappointment, but with those people it’s par for the course.

Raunchy Spoiler #2: Tony has a good idea. And the audience faints. Alexis also thinks strategy, but that pretty well shot her wad so with that thought she goes home, nothing more to give. However we were witness to Alexis's thought of the year. I guess that's something.

Raunchy Spoiler #3: Trish reveals that she’s a man. Who’s she kidding? With that face, those teeth, that laugh, and those hooves, we know she’s a horse. Neigh whinny whinny, neigh, clop clop)

Raunchy Spoiler #4: And in a odd development, Crap for Brains rule the game.

Raunchy Spoiler #5: Tony threw a fit when he got back from raiding the other tribe and found out that they had donated his spy shack to Malaysian Goodwill. Even Goodwill wouldn’t accept it until they cleaned out the stains, however.

Raunchy Spoiler #6: Spence is happy to see his horse eliminate a queen, and he didn't even have to sacrifice a pawn.

Tribe strikes again

Raunchy Spoiler #4: And in a odd development, Crap for Brains rule the game.

Does this mean the other players have brains less than crap?

LAST EDITED ON 03-28-14 AT 02:20 PM (EST)

Letter Home from Camp Survivor:

Dear Ma.

Whee-sheew! This eye-land is just fuller than a pregnant sow of funny lookin' critters. They's lizards six feet long that'd chomp yo foot off in a heartbeat, they's crabs that can open coconuts, and they's other crabs that can take over a shell and call it home. And they didn’t even live there in the first place. And these people eat them crabs! All the time, they say. Tell the truth, I got hungry enough to try one too, and it were pretty good. Kinda tasted like armadiller. A little. Or maybe like them crawdad’s me and Ezell u’d dig outta the creek bank when we wuz young’uns.

But man-o-man, this stuff is crazy. I'd just like for crazy uncle Luke to see all this, he is always telling me about two headed squirrels and such (he showed me them three eyed fish living in the river by that Nuclear place oncet), but I bet he h’aint never seen nothin’ like this, ever in his life.

Purple and red and yeller and orange and all colors of birds, snakes that sneak into the hut and cuddle with you at night so you wake up in the morning thinking it's your peter hanging out o' your shorts, but it haint. It's a big old snake. O'course then you skin it and eat it for breakfast. As long as it don't bite your other snake (hyuk huyk hyuk) it works out fine. And fish as big as a cows, you believe that? I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with them blue gills we get outta the creek anymore.

Speaking of which, we don’t get much sleep at night, bamboo floors are like sleepin in the woods on the roots of an old oak tree. But they’s some real purdy girls that sleep with me, and they get real frisky, if you know whut I mean (hyuk hyuk hyuk). So I probably wouldn’t be getting much sleep anyways. They were real impressed when I told them I was a model (you remember, that time that feller in the store down to the holler took pitchers of me when I bought a pair of new overalls a while back? He was sorta funny, but was real nice to me, takin all them pictures). They got real giggly, (sorta like that feller wuz), when I told them that (I didn’t tell them all the details though. I don't quite understand them myself, to be honest). I ‘specially like Linsie, but they’s all fun.

HooBoy, I never seen nothing like this before.

And I met a real deal NBA player. They shore look smaller on Cousin Zeke’s new color TV, I tell you whut. This guy looks down on everbody. And he don’t need to swim a’tal, he just wades around the ocean.

That dog paddle my pa learned me is comin' in real handy, too. Tell him that fer me, he'd be right proud.

Anyway, don't worry about me, I am having a whole lot of fun and I should be back home in time for possum shearing.

Love, your son; Jeramiah.

(You remember which one I am? Your 12th? I had to take care of all the younger children? Y'all called me Jed #3 'cause the first two done run off, and y'all thought it was such a purdy name that you still wanted to keep one around the house? Yeah, that's me. I thought you'd 'member that).

PS. Don't tell Luke I called him crazy, you remember what he did the last time someone called him that!

Exactly.

From Lindsey's the RTVW interview:

You don't wish physical harm on people, and that was a lesson I wanted to teach my daughter, and she's the most important viewer I had in mind. So I was just to that point where I was going to snap. So, no, I don't have any regrets, because I wouldn't want to beat up some little old lady on a beach.

What the kid learned: Quitting is good.

Coconut Gallery says: Doesn't Burnett think he's the most important viewer?

Anger management is the most ridiculous thing that I've ever heard, and I don't know why people are using that, because I was the person to walk away. Do I walk away from my problems? Absolutely not.

What the kid learned: Lying is good.

Coconut Gallery says: Technically she floated away in the quit boat, so she's justified in saying she didn't walk all the way away.

And I know that there's a seven-year-old little girl that's happy that her mom's not a bully and gave into it and fought back physically and used violence to get her way.

What the kid learned: I hope I got my brains from daddy.

Coconut Gallery says: Yes Lindsey, it's much better to be self indulgent and delusional.

So it wasn't one of those, like, "You guys aren't playing the game that I want to! And I quit!" That's preposterous. It was one of those things that, you know, you got to pick and choose your battles. And it was so insignificant, I didn't feel like I needed to do what my body wanted to do primitively to Trish at that time.

What the kid learned: I can't wait until I become a teenager. bwahahaha

Coconut Gallery says: I can't wait for the finale and Jeff asks her if she still thinks she didn't quit.

"I didn't feel like I needed to do what my body wanted to do primitively to Trish at that time."

Ignoring, of course, the very real possibility that that boney bitch just might wipe the floor with her delusional ass. She should be scared of those horse teeth.

Come on now little zombies....
follow the brains....