LAST EDITED ON 03-20-14 AT 03:51 PM (EST)

Hello again, reporting in as usual with the Greatest Spoilers of the 21st Century –(dum dee dum dum), and beyond.

I am Sam the Spoiler man. And it is Sam, not Spam, TYVM, and I do not appreciate those who would disparage my fake given name. And it really wasn’t necessary to use my front door as a canvas for the disparagement.

Anyway, the Spoilers of the Century this week were revealed in a flash of psychic inspiration. The homing Galapagos Tortoises that my merry band of nympho reporters used to convey their spoiler reports was slow this week (yeah, we may be upgrading to three-toed sloths next week) but it doesn’t matter because I have had a vision, several visions in fact, of sunny beaches, turquoise blue waters, coconut palms, gaudy bird life, and dumb as dirt castaways, who despite their lizard like IQs (not to insult lizards, but well..) will provide the entertainment next week.

Wait, wait, I’m getting one now, I see a machete, I see blood, I see Shambo face-planting in the sand while once again failing to catch her chickens. Chickens which, I might add, are in a cage and not all that hard to catch. But you know Shambo, she loves her some chicken chasing.

Anyway.

Psychic Spoiler #1: I see Tony in his private Spy shack. Whoa…Tony, you and your fist need to get a room!

Moving on. Quickly.

Psychic Spoiler #2: I see Morgan practicing her Rock-Paper-Scissors skills. She is sure that that will be the next IC, and she wants to get ahead. Or some head. The vision is vague on that point, much like the former prostitute herself (Hey, I hope no one is fooled by the “Former NFL Cheerleader cover that Survivor provided for her? She does have an NFL cheerleader outfit as well as a Little BoPeep outfit, a Substitute Teacher outfit, a Bad Bad Girl outfit, and an RTVW Loser Lodge Dominatrix Mistress outfit (with whips and handcuffs) that she wears at her little “Parties”, but the NFL personnel only have an “After Dark” partying relationship with her).

Psychic Spoiler #3: Spencer will try his Pawn takes Queen’s castle gambit next week. If it’s good enough for Bobby Fischer, it’s good enough for Spencer.

Psychic Spoiler #4: I see LJ tempting the Gods, and trying his best to join the “James Clements ‘I went home with a HI for a souvenir’” club. As usual with Survivor castaways, he fails. But it was a razor thin failure, so you got to give him some credit, he gave a go. And by staying he can still go for James’s record of going home with two HIs. We wish him the best.

Psychic Spoiler #5: I see a log challenge. I see Dave (you remember Dave from China? Dave Cruser?) hired as a log challenge mentor to both tribes. He misses the point though, thinking that both logs are just large Faber #2 pencils, and instructs the tribes on how to draw doodle mazes and build fire pits. Well, this is Survivor, expect the unexpected. Or the moronic.

Tribe strikes again

I never thought I'd go to a psychic, tell me how my Cliff is doing since he left my world.

Just call me Woo Hoo