Before we launch into Survivor 27: Blood Is Slicker Than Water, I wanted to take a self-reverential moment to congratulate Survivor on surviving this long. We have vanquished faux-reality shows like Siberia, bested scripted dramas like The Dome (take that King and Spielberg) and parallel universe offerings like Big Bother. Even documentaries such as Duck Dynasty bow their beards to the juggernaut that is Survivor.

I have taken the clichés and beaten them not into plowshares, but into nastier and more ratings-friendly clichés. But it hasn’t been easy, and I think I’ve finally hit rock bottom, or at least Redemption Island.

Gone is the Hantz clan. Brandon Hantz was a weaponized Honey Boo Boo and everyone, from the caterer to the coconuts, threatened to boycott if he appeared again. Instead of irrational violence, this season of Blood vs. Water promises familial strife and psychological warfare. My Line Producers have assured me that Dr. Phil, Dr. Drew and Dr. Pepper won’t be able to put these people back together again.

Day One Is The Loneliest Number -We begin with the much talked about Day Zero. Apparently it starts with just the Loved Ones on a patch of beach. Colton believes that Day Zero means that the entire day will have no calories so he isn’t expending any energy and asks his boyfriend Caleb, “Do you want me to do something?” Besides burning that ridiculous country club polo shirt and sweater combo? No thanks, I’ve got this.

After we get Jiffy down from that majestic mountain fly by, he assembles all of the victims and breaks the bad news. The bittersweet agony that there will be struggles and starvation ahead? The fact that you will be separated from your wife, your husband, your girlfriend, your brother or your mother and forced to play against them? No! The bad news is Redemption Island is back and this time it's pissed. Also, no one in the Philippines has heard of the FAA and Jiffy was almost killed by a helicopter provided by the lowest bidder. Ah, CBS and their budgets.

Disorientation Meeting –We are introduced to the Geldings tribe of returning players and the Benihana newbies. Moments after Buffs are dispensed, Jiffy is telling each tribe to vote out one of their own. Pirate Rupert’s wife Laura is dispatched for the Benihanians and Candice gets duck duck goosed for the Geldings. Laura has fallen victim to the classic “Woodstock is over and that tie dyed shirt is burning my eyes” blunder.

Jiffy explains the Redemption Island twist and says that a loved one “could substit--” whoops, there’s Rupert taking a dramatic step forward. He takes his wife’s place, putting Laura B. on the Geldings tribe. John, steps forward, has a conference with Candice. Wets his finger and sticks it in the air in order to gauge wind direction and speed. Finally, he decides to let Candice develop the ocean front property at Redemption Island with Pirate Rupe.

They’re So Cute At That Age – Over at camp Geldings the old-timers are shaking their heads as newbie Laura B is trying to cut a coconut with the machete. Fortunately seasoned veteran Colton is nearby to demonstrate how to straddle a piece of bamboo and perform the first jungle self-circumcision. He explains his skill with cutlery by saying, “My nanny never let me play with sharp tools.”

One sharp tool is Monica M who wants to clear the air about her season with Colton. She feels that she was backstabbed by Colton Cumbie and wants to bury the hatchet. She doesn’t realize that he’s not sharp enough to get the point of all these mixed metaphors.

We’re Counting On You – Brad Culpepper slowly realizes that he’s the “Jiffy One-Namer” this season, taking over the reins from Survivor royalty like Donaldson, Hatch, Cochran, Coach (self-inflicted), Boston Rob (the exception that proves the rule), Skupin, Ozzy and others. He runs around camp, working on his alliances until he’s assembled “four guys and one gay guy.” This leads to some classic Jethro Bodine “cipherin’”… “‘Four with one means you’re done’. Wait. I’m sorry, that’s not it. ‘Four with nine equals out. Five with nine equals in.’ Then you do the hokey pokey and shake it all about. That’s what it’s all about!”

While Brad is calculating in base nine, the rest of Benihana is trying to make fire and boil water to purify it. This gives Vytas the chance to sit like a junkie on a log and tell non-campfire stories about his heroin addiction and one year in prison. While that may build trust at Al Anon and on and on meetings, Vytas’ smirking and wild eyes aren’t inspiring much confidence amongst his tribemates.

At Geldings Colton is holding court and breaks into tears as he everyone how hard it is to grow up as a gay man in the South. It’s his cross to bear every single day. He cries and the women rush to reassure him. Monica M tilts her head and her thought bubble reads, “Haven’t I seen this act before?”

Scenic Redemption Island features Rupert and Candice chillin’ and enjoying the solitude. Actually Rupert is chillin’ while Candice is making fire, chopping wood, boiling water, cooking the food, publishing the RI Gazette. Basically, she’s building more stuff than Home Island Depot, while he’s playing Rupe Van Winkle. A rested Pirate is a challenge-ready pirate.

Boat Ropes & Puzzle The Immunity Challenge has all the basic features and the newbies go at the obstacle course like wild men. Gervasse does his best impression of an anchor for the Geldings and the Benihanians find themselves in the lead when they get to the puzzle stage. But the experienced veterans make up time and go on to win Immunity and a flint from the Survivor gift shop. We get to see some vintage Colton as he screams at Kat to paddle faster. Colton’s emotions range from crying to crying once he realizes that the Benihana loss could put Caleb on a slow boat to Redemption Island. Basically, with the polo shirt and neck-tied sweater, Colton has revealed that he hasn’t grown much and he’s still the spoiled Thurston Howell the Turd.

Another Opening, Another Tribal! – A lot of talk and Jiffy tries to muddy the water, but we have a pretty good idea where this is going. Gervasse’s excessive celebration at the Immunity Challenge has made niece Marissa an easy early target.

Jiffy tells us, “First Tribal Council. First blindside. Your family may have taught you something about Survivor, but the fact that you’re here; they didn’t teach you everything.”

21 year old student Marissa Peterson gets no love, a torch snuff, and paddles herself over to Redemption Island to join Rupert and Candice, just in time for a light supper and Candice’s one-woman cabaret show.

Mark "It's Good To Be The King" Burnett