Alliance? I'm a little too thick to realize you gave me some great advice telling me not to hide my "before anyone but you was born in the 80's" star status, but I'm still Blair with the hair in my own mind. I'm a legend in my own re-runs. Stupid Blair.

Beatings Are A Fact Of Life

LAST EDITED ON 09-21-12 AT 06:05 PM (EST)

This year the Girls from the Really Really Raunchy Girls Finishing School (an exclusive school for, you guessed it, really really raunchy girls) have travelled to the Philippines and will become my spies. Last year there were some problems with the trained monkeys and there were a few feces throwing incidents, so this year I thought I’d give the girls a chance. And so far they’ve come thru.

Using the latest in stealth swimwear (well, that's what they call skinny dipping) they have been keeping their belly button mounted periscopes trained on the new tribe beach encampments from just off shore.

So far there’s been a Yeti sighting (Ralph?) and a Kia giveaway (or was that the phantom of the Oprah?). Probably not connected to this season’s Survivor, but you never know. Last year we caught a survivor getting a nose job from a provocative Proboscis Monkey. So you never can tell what's news and what's just island dirt. We report the dirt too. We actually kinda prefer the dirt, but in a pinch and in the absence of the juicy stuff we’ll report news too (Blaugh).

Will report more on these poor sacrificial lambs after we get to know their names, though some will be gone before we get the dirt on them. For those we will invent unlikely scenarios that we will actually try and talk ourselves into believing are true. And no, you’re not watching a political convention; it’s just another season of Survivor.
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It’s too early to give anything away, so for now we’ll just put up some observations:

1. Name (Age): Malcolm Freberg (25)
Tribe Designation: Matsing
Personal Hero: O.J. Simpson before the legal drama.

Legal drama? Like murdering two people? That little “drama”?

2. Name (Age): Katie Hanson (22)
Tribe Designation: Kalabaw
Occupation: “Former Miss Delaware”.

Her occupation is being a former Miss Delaware? Well, that brings up several interesting questions, like just exactly what kinda job is that?

3. Name (Age): Lisa Whelchel (49)
Tribe Designation: Tandang

Lost all her television money in the dot com bust? What’s the deal? Why doesn’t she turn to hooking like all the other failed child stars did? She too good for that?

4. Name (Age): Peter “Pete” Yurkowski (24)
Tribe Designation: Tandang
Personal Claim to Fame: Graduating with an engineering degree and putting it on the back burner. Gotta' do what you love.
Hobbies: Going to bars and meeting girls, going to the gym and making beats.

Another NJ claim to fame. Needs a Jersey Shore name. Let’s start with “The Yerk”

5. Name (Age): Roberta “RC” Saint-Amour (27)
Tribe Designation: Tandang

Personal Claim to Fame: I was the 112th Wellesley Hoop Rolling Champion – the oldest and most beloved Wellesley tradition. The winner is said to be the first person in her class to achieve success, however she defines it.

Let’s define it for her. Success is getting the itch out of one’s crack. Yeah, she’s a success. Until the second day…

6. Name (Age): Roxanne “Roxy” Morris (28)
Tribe Designation: Matsing
Occupation: Seminary Student
Personal Claim to Fame: Accepting the call of God to ministry.
Inspiration in Life: Jesus Christ! He gave up his life for the world and that is the most inspiring thing anyone could ever do.

Prediction: She’s going learn where hell really is. And that Probst is the archangel to Lucifer, the EPMB. And she’ll learn all this all too late.

7. Name (Age): Zane Knight (28)
Tribe Designation: Matsing
Current Residence: Danville, Va.
Occupation: Tire Repair
Pet Peeves: Butt-kissing, lazy people and ice cream sprinkles.

OK, I get butt-kissers and lazy people, sort of, but ice cream sprinkles? That’s Nazi commie talk.

One has to admire his choice of occupation though, and his dropping out of HS in order to pursue it. And his neck tattoo is still bleeding. Also, his sacrifice of quitting smoking just before coming to the island. Really Zane? you gave it up? like the fact that they wouldn't let you have any didn't come into play there?

Finally. let’s examine his master plan of volunteering to quit and making very good points as to why they should vote him out. Yeah, he’s not long for the island. Or the world.

8. Name (Age): Jonathan Penner (50) .
Tribe Designation: Kalabaw

Occupation: annoying as hell
Claim to fame: annoyance.
Hometown: Annoyance California (Population, lots).
Jersey Nickname: “the Annoy-ination”.

9. Name (Age): Michael Skupin (50)

Jersey shore name: “Klutz-city”. Please, in the name of all that is holy, hide the machete.

10. Name (Age): Russell Swan (45)
Tribe Designation: Matsing

Quotes: “Last season I gave it 100% and had to be carried off. This year I intend to give it 110%.” (Huh?)

"It’s dumb to be the leader. I refuse to be leader, I just need to have everyone do what I say and like I say. And when, they have to do it when I say too. But don’t call me a leader, we have no leaders, specially not me. I ain’t no leader.”

11. Name (Age): Dana Lambert (32)
Tribe Designation: Kalabaw
Personal Claim to Fame: Truthfully, I have no claim to fame. My friends tell me that my claim to fame is my blonde spiky hair.

Claim to fame is a hairdo? A hairdo? Not long for the game. Too bad, the cute ones go too quickly.

12. Name (Age): Abi-Maria Gomes (32)
Tribe Designation: Tandan.
SURVIVOR Contestant You Are Most Like: Parvati – she is as charming as I am.

Parvati? Well, selling your soul to the devil and renting out your lady parts did work for her. Could do worse.

13.
Name (Age): Artis Silvester (53)
Tribe Designation: Tandang
SURVIVOR Contestant You Are Most Like: I’m a combination of Rudy, Rupert and James. I have Rudy and Rupert’s cunning leadership and likability. I have James’s physical appeal – even at 52.

Rudy? Sorry, don’t see it. And James and Rupert? The guy who pulled one of the top three most stupid moves in survivor history and the other who had no idea what the word "strategy" meant? Sorry Artis, something tells me that that Cancer treatment (props to you for that) burned out some brain cells that you really, really, need now.

14.
Name (Age): Carter Williams (24)
Tribe Designation: Kalabaw
Occupation: Track Coach. I motivate and inspire.
Hobbies: Surfing, running and eating meals with friends.
Pet Peeves: Laziness!
3 Words to Describe You: Ambitious, inspiring (I’m a dreamer) and lighthearted.

You motivate and inspire with your daydreaming and eating meals with friends. And surfing.

At least you didn’t claim to being able to put two coherent thoughts together, because you can’t.

15. Name (Age): Sarah Dawson (28)
Tribe Designation: Kalabaw
Personal Claim to Fame: My car was once towed and I was able to talk the owner of the towing company into returning it for free. I have become a local legend.
Inspiration in Life: Neil Patrick Harris. Have you seen that man do a toe touch? Quite inspiring.

If You Could Have 3 Things on The Island What Would They Be and Why?
1) A horse
2) An audience
3) A hot guy chef.

Became a local legend because she once talked a tow truck company out of her car. Did your little talk involve a strategy with the initials BJ?

Inspired by a Neil Harris toe touch?

A horse, an audience and a hot guy chef? A horse? OK. A hot guy chef? OK. But an audience? Does she not get that Survivor is broadcast throughout the free world?

Tribe scooped this poop.