LAST EDITED ON 04-29-11 AT 09:00 PM (EST)

For those of you playing the Survivor Home Game, Phillip doesn’t pitch a hissy fit and we don’t get to Wang Chung tonight. The only thing that Phil assaults is the English language.

With that in mind, I’m going to lay down with this cold compress on my forehead until the stupidity-induced migraine headaches go away. As soon as possible I will present unto you a Recap that uses actual words and phrases that might be found in an American/English dictionary or at least dictionary.com.
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A Branch of the Olive Garden – After the bloodletting/Zapatera sacrifice/Human Resources “his racial experience is just as valid as your racial experience” seminar at Tribal Council, Steve approaches Phillip to offer an olive branch. What he actually says is, “I’d like to offer you a laurel and hearty handshake,” but no one gets the “Blazing Saddles” reference.

If I can spin out of control for a moment, it’s possible that instead of an olive branch, Steve would have been more successful if he had offered to take Phillip to lunch at an actual Olive Garden restaurant. If their TV commercials are to be believed (and why wouldn’t you believe a ubiquitous mid-quality restaurant chain that airs forty thousand 30-second network commercials per week?), they are the United Nations of quasi-Italian restaurants. The Benetton of the Bolognese. A young woman can bring her new boyfriend there to be judged by her multi-cultural friends. Parents can treat their starving college student to dinner, and grandparents are able to yank the iPod earbuds out of their grandchildren’s ear canals long enough to bond. Apparently the only problem at this Valhalla of the Vermicelli is pairing a sauce with a complex carbohydrate, but this is solved by the miracle of the “Endless Pasta Bowl.” Let’s get all of our world leaders and ego-maniacal dictators to The Olive Garden… immediatamente!

Instead of chomping on breadsticks, Phil shakes hands with Steve, but confesses that he didn’t feel that the effort was “totally genuous”. He goes on threateningly, “Steve mocked me a number of times, so he goes next.” With his high opinion of himself, his perceived power in the game, and his abuse of the English language, Phil has signaled that he is the most dangerous, yet amusing type of player; someone who thinks that he’s smarter than everyone else, but always has one foot on a landmine and the other on a whoopee cushion. I would say more, but the subject is mute.

Phillip’s behavior plays right into Rob’s game plan and Rob confirms that “Phil’s not going anywhere. As long as he keeps up his stupid antics, he’ll be coming with me all the way to the finals.”

Shorts Story From The Beyond – Phillip locates his 24/7/365 dedicated camera crew and confessionalizes that he had a premonition that he was going to find his swim shorts. “My great-great-grandfather, a full-blooded Cherokee Indian came to me in a vision. And he said ‘look near the water hole’.” Let’s assume that Phillip is actually able to bypass Miss Cleo and piggyback on Matt’s “Friends and Savior” minutes to contact his ancestor, Chief Runamuck. He has a direct connection to the beyond but he doesn’t ask about the future. He doesn’t ask for the strength to win challenges, nor the wisdom to think one nanosecond ahead of where he is right now on the Chutes And Ladders game board. Perhaps he prays for the internal fortitude to help him keep his mouth shut. No, he asks about his swim trunks and his floaties. Maybe Phil expects Tyra Banks to sashay around the corner and announce that the next contest is the Swimsuit Calendar Immunity Challenge.

Listening to the spirit of Chief Boxerbriefs, Phil finds his swim shorts under the second rock and crows, “Don’t mess with the Undercover Specialist ‘cause he makes his living uncovering the truth. And you can’t stand the truth.” Halfway around the world, Tom Cruise throws down his e-meter and exclaims, “Oh Lord Xemu, this guy is more Clueless than Alicia Silverstone.”

Downward Spiral Cut Ham – On Regurgitate Island, it’s all Zeros except for Matt, who wasn’t with the Overlords long enough to even learn the secret handshake. Mike tells us that “Matt had incredible strength going through Redemption Island the first time. After he was blindsided the second time, by the folks he thought were truly his friends, he’s kind of been on a little bit of a downward spiral.”

Between sobs, Matt admits “God’s literally been carrying me for the past four days. I know I’m still in the game, but I’m just so over this game.” Matt recognizes that he’s wasting away physically and that he really misses his family.

Slip slidin’ Away – The Regurgitate Island Duel is Survivor Shuffleboard and Jiffy explains that the goal is to slide each of your three pucks past the obstacles and into the End Zone. He also explains that several of the Challenge Designers are in tears, because they were really hoping that Steve would be able to play this challenge. Apparently, this is the Challenge Designer’s pinnacle of irony; a former NFL player playing a game with the words End Zone right in the rules. But whomever the contestants, the first two who can place all three pucks in the End Zone get to stay on beautiful, desolate Regurgitate Island, while the “loser” will go to the Ponderosa for a food orgy that will make the buffet line at the Royal Wedding look like Spa Cuisine in Ghana. Matt isn’t the only one with a moral dilemma.

In the first round, Mike jumps out to an early lead, but by the third round the score is Mike 2, Matt 1 and Julie 1. Matt ties it up in the fourth round and clinches his chances in the fifth round. In the end, Julie is eliminated after 28 days. She explains that her house was in foreclosure and that the money would have helped her get out of debt. Her co-competitors and those watching the Duel send their best wishes as Julie drops her buff in the fire, an act that remains as big a letdown as when we first saw it.

Show Compassion = ‘Start Packing’ – At the Duel, Andrea noticed that Matt had invested in the halo with the nightlight feature. That light allowed Matt to clearly see how Andrea had manipulated him, and she saw Matt give her a “dirty look”. This caused Andrea to walk the razor’s edge of admitting to her tribe that she feels sorry for Matt and reveling in her ability to make men. . . and saints. . . bend to her will. Andrea bemoans/brags, “I feel like I was a big part of breaking his spirit. So in a way, I kind of like felt a little guilty.” She also says, “If Matt comes back I’d want to talk to him, but I don’t think he’d want to talk to me. Why would he?” This deviation from the Overlord “I hear and I obey” line has Rob and Grant thinking about voting out Andrea at the next opportunity.

Immunity Challenge: Making Log Jam – The goal is to stay on the spinning log longer than your opponent. Winners will move on and the last person standing will receive the exquisite Immunity Necklace and a chocolate cake and milk reward. There will also be a twist that will be explained later.

Grant ultimately wins and chooses to share the cake with Rob and Andrea. Jiffy tosses Steve a package that they cannot open, but must bring to Tribal Council. The twist will be revealed then.

In a confessional, Grant explains why he selected Andrea, but my Nonsense Translator was already overheating from trying to decode Ralph’s authentic frontier gibberish.

Steve was having the same problem as evidenced by this exchange he had with Ralph:

Ralph: Mphylymf? (undecipherable)
Steve: Pardon me?
Ralph: Mphylymf? (undecipherable)
Steve One more time?
Ralph: Mphylymf? (undecipherable)
Steve (nods knowingly): Mmm hmm.

Doing The Pre-TC Shuffle – Steve is complaining about his low energy level and how his body has deteriorated. Lounging with Ashley and Natalie, this leads Rob to think of Ralph is the bigger threat and therefore a candidate for the next vote. But later, Steve approaches Ashley and Natalie who are lounging for their eighteenth straight hour and have clearly never heard the words “skin cancer”. Steve tries to make a case for blindsiding Rob, saying that Ashley, Natalie and Andrea could vote for Rob along with the remaining Zeros, and take him out before Rob starts picking off his own alliance one by one. Ashley says, “We’ll consider it. Thank you,” which is a phrase she heard on The Apprentice once.
Instead, Ashley and Nat beat feet over to the Robfaddah and tell him everything that Steve just said.

As expected, Rob recalibrates his gun site back over to Steve.

Tribal With A Twist – Jiffy muses about the dwindling Zero portion of the tribe and wonders if there’s any hope. Steve tells of trying to influence certain former Overlord tribe members to vote with the former Zeros. Steve wisely points out how Rob cut Lex’s throat during All Star Survivor (A.S.S.) to save Amber. Rob even more wisely points out that he still has that alliance with Ambuh to this day, underscoring the fact that the only reality show he won’t appear on is Divorce Court.

After a five to two vote, the Overlords manage to vote out Ralph. Ralph leaves with a pleasant “See ya, Jeb” to which Jiffy replies, “No so fast. Grab your torch. You’re going to Redemption Island.” Oh, yeah.

But you can’t blame Ralph, he’s only seen eleven people before him get voted out and trudge off to Regurgitate Island. This kind of pattern takes time to sink in.

Besides dealing with basic housekeeping, Jiffy asks Steve to open the “twist” package. It’s a deck of cards that have symbols printed on them. Jiffy will show everyone a series of symbols and they will “repeat them back to him” using their own cards. Rob outlasts the rest and earns Immunity. They go right to another vote and Steve Wright, the 51-year-old ex-NFL player is locked out. He remembers to grab his torch and runs a Zero Shot, 51 Right Sweep in the general direction of Redemption Island.

Mark "this space for rent" Burnett