I call this meeting of the Monkey Business to order:

I’m going to follow a recent tradition and start with some BTS business. Reports of my death, dismemberment and Pokémon have been greatly exaggerated. I have risen from the ashes of two cross-country trips and by the Hammer of Thor … wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me just say that those responsible for, and participating in, the slander, character assassination and Sunday Jumble abuse of my fine name will be severely punished. This will include having your swim trunks buried and not having anywhere to store your rice. The crime of sig pic theft and misappropriation is a much more serious RTVW crime. Punishment for that offense may involve having a pigeon feather crazy-glued to your forehead. (B.Y.O. Crazy) I’m still assembling a jury for that one, but David (AKA: Iron-Blind-side) is definitely not invited.

Our Adventure so far… The Princess Zelda tribe has fallen on hard times. The Ocarina Trio of Ralph, Steve and Julie are all that remain after the last Tribal Council when David fell victim to jury nullification and was sent to Religious School Island to join Matt, who is praying to his ole buddy Jesus. Meanwhile, Mike is praying for the inner strength to ignore the voices in his head that are telling him to just strangle Matt in his sleep. It seems that Matt is chatting up Jesus like he has hundreds of “Friends and Savior” minutes left on his soul’s calling plan and he’s determined to wring out every last one before the end of the month.

Matt confesses that he wants out of the game of Survivor, but Jesus wants him to stay. Matt is also convinced that if Jesus was playing Survivor, he wouldn’t quit. But Matt doesn’t consider that it’s a pretty easy call to stay in the game if you’re the guy wearing a Crown of Thorns Immunity Headband.

At any rate, David arrives at Religious School Island to see if Matt and Mike would be interested in filing a Class Action suit for the raw deal they’ve received at the hands of the Om tribe. They also discuss how the Challenges might work now that there are three of them. Once they eliminate Musical Chairs and Duck-Duck-Goose as possible Challenges, this brain trust examines the word Duel and dismisses it as something that only applies to two people. What they have here is a Tri-el or a Tru-el.

What they don’t know is that Tru-El was the sister of Superman’s father Jor-El, and that the Legal Department at DC Comics is currently preparing a lawsuit for trademark and copyright infringement that will reduce a million dollar Survivor prize to less than a typical gratuity left at McDonald’s. In other words, Richard Hatch would gladly pay the tax on what will be left after the lawsuit. At least those ink-stained and gin-soaked barristers know better than to go after me or Cheap B.S.

Nagatta Datta in Da Gadda Da Vita – Back at the tribe named after Amber’s Favorite Stuffed Animal (hereafter known as AFSA because I refuse to type Murlonio; it sounds like a bad mood-stabilizing drug with three pages of legal disclaimers), Steve confessionalizes the Om strategy by saying that they threw their four votes at Rob only to have them intercepted and run back for an eviction. “Wah. Wah. Wah,” sighs Steve as he impersonates Ms. Pac Man dying a slow and yellow death.

Meanwhile, Phillip is annoying everyone, even though he is almost a half mile away, chanting “Om” and half the dialogue that Linda Blair spouted in The Exorcist, while he’s “meditating” on the side of a mountain. Channeling and focusing his personal belief in Bullshido, Phil is an excellent example of how germs from a stray bird feather infected with virulent avian rabies can seep into what’s left of your brain and cause you to act even crazier and more egomaniacal than before. Medical professionals call it “Coach-itits”. Phillip also believes that he is now closer to God, or Buddah or Na Gatta Datta, which was either an obscure Art Movement or a stray lyric that even Phil Collins didn’t think he could get away with…

Redemption Casino Challenge – At Religious School Island Matt, Mike and David square off for a House of Cards challenge. With everyone in attendance, The Saint, The Sphinx and The Mouthpiece start dealing. Matt and Mike are keeping it pretty close, but David draws to a busted flush and is booted off Sequestered Jury Island, complete with the still anti-climactic burning of the buff. Besides missing out on his chance on a million dollars and not bonding with anyone in either tribe, this proves that David isn’t even smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Back at AFSA, (remember, I’m calling the faux-tribe AFSA, for Amber’s Favorite Stuffed Animal instead of Murlonio. Murlonio sounds like the brand name of a particularly vile boxed wine), the former Oms find maggots in their rice can. They want to put their rice in with the Princess Zelda rice, and Ambassador Phillip takes it upon himself to present the argument to Steve.

Phillip tells Steve that this is not even a Zapatera decision and threatens that unless Steve is willing to carry the heavy rice can with him everywhere he goes, Phillip will take it and put the Ometepe rice in the storage can. An exhausted Steve offhandedly calls Phillip “a lunatic”, and then it’s on like Chaka Kahn. Phil tells everyone that “any time you call a Black man a lunatic, you’re really calling him the ‘N word’”
And he tells Steve that they can go “y mano y mano if we have to” because “you’ve got a Wing Chung Kung Fu expert here.” Where’s your Zen now, Phillip?

There’s more, but treating this like a meaningful discussion of race relations is like citing The Olive Garden as a shining example of the best Italian cuisine you’ve ever tasted. Steve attempts to put things in perspective by saying, “It’s not a chip. It’s a log on (Phil’s) shoulder.”

Circles Within Circles IC - There are two heats. Those who are fastest at solving the inner circle of the puzzle go on to solve the outer circle. Rob breezes through the first puzzle although he is pounding on some of the pieces with his fist which causes Jiffy to caution, “Easy, brother. Easy.” Phillip thinks he’s solved the first puzzle, but then declares “false alarm” as Jiffy walks over to take a look. Rob wins it all and picks up the fancy necklace. Over at The Ponderosa, “puzzle master” David gnashes his teeth.

I Really Dig Those Swim Trunks – When everyone returns to camp, Julie decides to take Phillip’s swim trunks from the clothesline and bury them. This would force everyone to endure his Pepto Pink Underoos and perhaps cause the Oms to become so annoyed with Phillip that they would vote him out. As you would expect, Phil rants and raves about his missing trunks, blames Steve and makes some vaguely threatening comments.

Phil confesses to having a hair trigger, says that he’ll cause an NFL walkout, warns that he’ll bring about ten plagues and strolls around camp while running his finger along the blade of the machete. Or as we call it on Survivor: Redemption Island… Wednesday.

Meanwhile, Rob is thinking about who he should instruct his cult followers to vote out next. He says, (and this is available in needlepoint or etched in marble) “One man should not have this much power on an island. But I’m grateful that I do.”

Tribal Sensitivity Council - Rather than dance around the usual problems and try to bring out the insecurities, Jiffy tries to get to the bottom of the “race issue” at camp. Steve is still calm in his defense and Phil sheds some light on his personal background. Therapist Probst explains the difference between the phrases “that’s a crazy argument” and “you’re crazy”, but a King trumps a Psychologist and King Rob’s alliance holds. Julie is sent to Recycle Island and Ralph needs spell check on his Magic Marker.

Mark "Afterschool Special Survivor" Burnett