LAST EDITED ON 03-03-11 AT 03:28 PM (EST)

Goober says ‘Hey.’ – It’s Night 5 at the Redemption Island Ramada and Matt has just trudged up from the front desk to Francesca’s “Sticks and Stones” suite. Awakened from a semi-sound sleep, Fran has the presence of mind to ask, “Why are you here and not Phil?” Exasperated, Matt sighs, “Most excellent question!” and strums a power chord on his air guitar. Millions of Americans cock their heads like Labradoodles, stare at their televisions and plaintively mutter, “Keanu…?” Ted/Keanu goes on to rant that Boston Rob is a scoundrel that has left him sick to his stomach. He also admits to feeling like a Goober for being blindsided. Basically, he didn’t see the vote coming, he uses the word “scoundrel” and he thinks that Mariano’s first name is “Boston”.

Someone’s not the smartest Apostle at the Supper.

We wuz Robbed - Over at Oompa Loompa, Rob is in urgent need of Tommy John surgery. It seems that he strained his elbow ligament patting himself on the back. Through his mastery of the game of Survivor he has not only single-handedly managed to blindside Matt, convinced Ambuh to marry him and forced Kristina to play her not-so-hidden Immunity Idol, but he’s also persuaded your humble Executive Producer to cast him in “Marquesas”, “All-Stars” and “Heroes v. Villains”. Can anyone say, “These are not the droids you’re looking for…”?

Rob admits that he has Grant in his alliance while Natalie and Ashley have created their own brand of Witless Protection. Balancing all of the nuances of the game, Rob taps Phillip on the shoulder and announces, “You’re fifth.” The only task left for the Robfaddah now is to convince Andrea that he held no malice for Matt when he sent her Island Eye Candy over to the other sand box.

Remedial Island – The CBS execs have been very concerned about people understanding the twist of “Redemption Island.” Therefore I am contractually committed to a “no one left behind” policy. This means that as Francesca and Matt stumble out of the “All You Can’t Eat” breakfast buffet, I have forced the writers to write, and Fran to read, a Clue that says that there will be an Arena Duel. The winner will stay at Recycle Island while the loser goes home. This causes Matt to remark, “Apparently we’re going to have an Arena Duel somewhere.” *facepalm*

Matt’s prayers are answered and instead of a school desk and a handful of Number 2 pencils, he’s looking at a Survivor Recycled Challenge. After a crane shot worthy of Spartacus, we see Oompa Loompa’s Ashley and Andrea sitting in the bleachers on one side, while Steve and Dave from BugZappa sit across the aisle, looking desperately for the hot dog vendor.

In the role of host, referee and cheerleader, Jiffy reminds both contestants that their own tribes voted them out and here we will see who can remain in the game. When pressed, Matt admits that if he can survive here and go on to win a million dollars it will be the biggest underdog story ever.

The challenge involves tying sticks together so that they are long enough to retrieve three keys from different posts. While Fran jumps out to an early lead and is working on fishing her third key off of the post, it is the underdog Matt who pulls in all three keys and opens the locks first. Jiffy instructs Francesca to toss her buff on the fire on the way out. She is the first person eliminated from the game, while Matt is sent back to the Recycle Island waiting room to look forward to his next challenger.

Jiffy also tells the representatives of both tribes that it's up to them to share whatever they want of the Arena Duel when they go back to camp.

EnHantz the Sheen - Back at BugZappa, Steve and Dave take advantage of the Arena Duel loophole. With tribemates gathered around they say that Francesca won the challenge, but as soon as Russell is out of earshot they tell everyone that “the blonde dude” won. Meanwhile, Russell is not so easily fooled and seems, like a certain celebrity who’s been in the news lately, to be more evolved than anyone else on the planet. {See handy chart, below}. Russell goes over to plot strategy and hang out with his two ‘goddesses’, Stephanie and Krista. While Krista seems to be quietly working on her cheers in the background, Stephanie has been doing a keg stand with the Russell Kool-Aid. Since Russell hasn’t been able to find a Hidden Immunity Idol, she suggests that they make a fake one. In her words, “It’s like a blank check with no money in the bank account.” Winning!

R/I Challenge: The Spit & Spell – Another challenge from the way-back machine. In this one, three tribe members are strapped to a wheel that dips them underwater. Each dunk-ee spits a mouthful of water into a tube that fills and releases a ball down a chute. At the bottom, someone solves a maze puzzle and rolls the ball through the maze. Winning tribe gets comfort items for camp and immunity.

There’s been talk around the water cooler at BugZappa about throwing the challenge and getting rid of Russell. A “thumbs up” sign means that the fix is in. Two thumbs up means the fix is off. Touching your baseball cap and then grabbing your crotch indicates a suicide squeeze . . . and the need for ointment. BugZappa throws it, Oompa Loompa wins it and Russell Hantz looks around suspiciously.

Back at camp Russell does some counting on his Hobbit toes and figures that his alliance needs some help for the vote. Stephanie does a dead-on Squeaky Fromme impersonation and with eyes blazing, seems to pull Julie into the loop. Not bad for someone that Russell couldn’t identify by name five minutes ago. Stephanie tells us that “This is going to be the biggest blindside EVER!”

Unfortunately, she seems to have irony poor blood.

Tribal Thumping – It’s BugZappa’s first Tribal Council and Jiffy’s probing questions massage opinions out of some players who we thought to be Survivor’s version of “seat fillers”. Mike admits that during the Challenge they might not have given it 100%, but contends that "we have some fat on this tribe.”

Julie announces her desire to join the Russell harem, saying that she “would like to merge with as many people as possible.” (She will definitely be checking out eHarmony when she gets back to camp.) Stephanie spouts more crazy than the first six floors of Bellevue Hospital and Rooster mumbles something that would keep a team of translators busy for a week.

Jiffy points at Russell’s arm and asks for an explanation. Russell doesn’t comment on his rash decisions, but instead shows off his “Keep Hope Alive” tattoo. The first vote ends in a three way tie between Russell, Ralph and Stephanie. The re-vote kills off hope and sends Russell Hantz to Redemption Island.

Russell’s ominous “I’ll be back – and I’ll be ready” is topped only by the insane Stephanie, who glares at Julie and intones, “Storm’s a comin’.”

Mark "no Chuck Lorre vanity card here" Burnett