Welcome to the final summary of Average Joe 2; the show that asks the question “How Will an Intelligent, Caring, and Expressive Average Guy From Boston Pick Up the Pieces of His Heart After It’s Crushed to Bits By a Superficial, Beauty Queen Wannabe With Stunning Beauty, Great Hair and a Truly Shocking Secret, But Little Else to Offer a Man of Substance and Character?”Of course, that’s assuming that Brian is the one dumped instead if Gill*, and obviously I couldn’t know that at the beginning of the summary, since I haven’t seen the show yet, right? But it’s a good enough title for now. If by the end of the episode it turns out to be inappropriate, then I’ll change it later.
* I’m calling him Gill instead of Gil because, frankly, I just don’t like him
Tonight is the finale, so we are treated to the requisite recap of the previous eight episodes. Usually, I just fast forward through this part since I’ve seen the episodes or read the Official Reality TV World Episode Summary, like last week’s summary by Howard Dean. But tonight as I fast forward through the highlights of previous weeks, I catch a few glimpses of some of the earlier departed Joes. Man, some of those guys were dorky! I imagine William Hung watching the show and feeling pretty good in comparison.
Now we’re back to live action, and…what’s this? Here’s Larissa, dressed in her best gown, standing on the red carpet with a private jet in the background and a limo pulling up. She’s making her choice already! Has NBC decided there’s no need for another full hour of this torture? Are they going to spend the remaining 52 minutes promoting Average Joe – Adam Returns instead? Sadly, no. We find out that this episode is being told in flashback form, where we’ll find out what happens on Larissa’s hometown dates with the two remaining guys.
Gill is first up, as Larissa visits his hometown of Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. They meet for a boat ride through the Everglades, then a romantic trip to one of his construction sites where he puts her to work “mudding”. They have to do the whole room before their date can continue. I guess he’s paid by the job, and won’t be able to afford dinner if they don’t finish. Gill tells Larissa about the importance of a good professional reputation in the construction industry, which is his way of telling her he’s not moving anywhere for some chick, especially if she is the chick. He acknowledges that a relationship between them would have to be a long-distance one. Hey, isn’t that why he broke it off with his last girlfriend? Things aren’t looking good for Gill and Larissa.
Next, they take a speedboat rids to the Viscaya Museum and Gardens where Larissa presents Gill with a St. Christopher medallion. He says he will remember her when he wears it, as in “this will be something nice to remember you by once I finally ditch your pathetic a**”. Larissa spends the rest of their time together trying to figure out where Gill’s head is at. Larissa - “What did you hope would happen out of all of this? Gill – “I want to be – of course – an actor.” Larissa – “What’s your biggest fear; what are you afraid of?” Gill – no answer. Larissa – “Is this real?” Gill – “As far as I’ve assessed, I think you’re a real person.” Larissa – “Actually, I’m a mechanical robot.” Note to Readers – Yes, Larissa actually said the above line; it wasn’t some lame attempt at satire on my part
The date with Gill is over, and I’ve got to say, it did NOT go well. Brian’s really going to have to screw things up for Gill to win the final trip with Larissa.
Brian’s turn now, and Larissa comes to Boston to see what Brian’s life is all about. Brian and Larissa take a boat ride on the Boston Harbor, and Brian has a surprise – two lobsters he’s trapped. Well, maybe the producers trapped them. Or bought them at the fresh seafood market. Brian names the lobsters Jim and Gill. He and Larissa agree to “throw them overboard, an act which gives Brian great joy. Brian points out that now they can get back to their workouts, and hopes there is protein powder at the bottom of the sea. On the boat, Brian tells Larissa he loves Boston, but could leave it for her if their relationship was to advance. Privately, Larissa is blown away that Brian would be willing to leave Boston “for the right reasons”. I notice, however, that while he personalized his willingness to leave for her, she keeps her comments about this admission completely impersonal. Brian, this is Bad Sign #1 for you.
Off to Boston’s most famous museum – the storied Fenway Park. As most of us viewers know by now, Larissa isn’t much of a sports enthusiast. But she knows that Fenway Park is a baseball stadium, and asks Brian who his all-time favorite player is. Brian – you have just been given a wonderful gift. A woman is encouraging you to talk to her about baseball history. Which player will he choose as his favorite? Teddy Ballgame? Carl Yastremski? Will he pick a non-Red Sox player like Babe Ruth? No, he tells us his all time favorite player is Tim Wakefield!!! I don’t even know where to begin with the jokes about this comment:
1) Tim Wakefield? Naturally! After all he is the 12th winningest pitcher in Red Sox history – tied with Tom Brewer, of course.
2) Tim Wakefield? Dude, she asked for your favorite player of all time, not your favorite right handed Floridian knuckleball pitcher!
3) C’mon Brian. You think you’re going to snag a bikini model Miss USA contestant by picking a non-Hall of Famer as your favorite baseball player? Crazy!
Oh well. The good thing is that, conveniently, Tim Wakefield is there to join them on their date! What are the odds of that? Brian, I’d head straight to Atlantic City. Put the table maximum on red 16! Or black 16. Whatever color 16 is, put as much money on it as they’ll allow. Or choose another number. The point is, what a coincidence!
The rest of their date is one sappy love scene after another. Before they leave the ballpark, Brian tells Larissa there are few things in this world worth fighting for and she’s one of them. They kiss, and the crowd goes wild. He says the kiss in center field was like the Red Sox won the World Series. Does that mean he just IMAGINED the kiss? Or he got close to kissing her, but juuust missed? I don’t quite understand. At any rate, there is no way to fake the next few moments with fancy editing. Brian is falling hard for Larissa, and you can see it on his face; in his eyes, as he tells us he fell in love in center field at Fenway Park.
I need a commercial break (sniff).
Okay, we’re back, and the School of Rock commercial (now available on DVD) has helped get me back into full sarcasm mode. The unlikely couple meets Brian friends in a bar, then head to the Boston Harbor Hotel for dinner and more romance/kissing, etc. Once again, it’s getting really sappy, and I’ll have to turn the sarcasm off again. Brian starts to tell Larissa he loves her, but instead says he will save those three words for a private moment. At the start of his confession of love, the look on Larissa’s face says she’s appreciative, but will never share those feelings. (That’s Bad Sign #2, if you’re counting). But at the end, she leans in to kiss him and it’s a sincere kiss. She is gently weeping (not unlike George Harrison’s guitar ), and obviously moved by his expression of affection. I, too, am blown away by Brian’s courage and depth of feeling.
As they share a long, loving embrace, Brian - in a voiceover – tells us he’s proud of himself for opening up with Larissa. After all he’s 31 years old and it’s time to be in love. Brian – I’m going to speak on behalf of the viewing audience and say that we are proud of you too! Wow, I’m starting to get a pit in the bottom of my stomach. Am I falling in love with Larissa too? No, it’s that sickening FORESHADOWING feeling I’m getting again. It just all seems too clear – lousy, uncomfortable dates with Gill, beautiful, moving times with Brian. They wouldn’t play us like that, would they?
Okay, back from commercial, and it’s finally time for Larissa to pick her man and reveal her SHOCKING secret in the MOST. DRAMATIC. ROSE. CEREMONY. EVER. (Sorry, I’ve always wanted to write that! Just like I’ve always wanted to say “they voted me out because I was a threat.”) Here’s the bottom line on the two guys:
Brian – Has shown us that’s he’s genuine, caring, and courageous. Is in love with Larissa. Wants to show the average guy can get the girl. Feels like he’s gone from a black and white existence to full color. Would be heartbroken if he doesn’t get picked.
Gill – Has shown us that he has all the personality of a bowl of corn flakes and then some. Really wants to get picked. Is looking for true happiness and when he’s with Larissa he’s happy. Would be “let down” if he doesn’t get picked.
The limo arrives now as the tension mounts. Still no secret revealed. What’s up with that? Who will step out? It’s Gill! On AJ1, the first guy out of the limo was the winner. Will they stay true to the pattern? Larissa has a somber look on her face, just like the one Melana had on her face to cruelly trick us into thinking she was discarding the himbo in favor of the Average Joe. Surely, they wouldn’t pull the same trick again, would they? Then again, that look on her face IS saying that she’s searching for a gentle way to cast him aside.
She uses the word “but”, which is usually not a good sign. Except that she’s been telling Gill some negative things up to this point - they had a lousy time together, have no chemistry, he’s emotionally retarded, has no sense of humor, is uneducated, uninteresting, and self-centered, BUT, he has great hair, and so she must trust her instinct, which tells her that he is the ONE. I can’t believe it – she’s choosing Gill as the winner! Gill has little to say, and what he says in unintelligible, which is just as well because I don’t want to hear it anyway. Gill expertly displays his full range of emotions to show off his acting skills. I think he’s happy, but I’m not really sure. Like I said, he used his full range of emotions.
At this point, I am fuming. I feel manipulated and used. I’ll have to take a shower before I write another sentence. (Pauses for dramatic effect.) Poor Brian exits the limo, and we know what’s in store for him. I try to warn him to run away (Run, Brian! Run like the wind!) My efforts are fruitless. I feel like I’m watching Bambi or the Lion King. Actually, I don’t remember either of those two movies very well, as my kids are getting older and we haven’t watched them in a while. Let’s just say I feel like I’m watching one of those nice G-rated Disney movies where the main critter’s parent is eaten and/or killed in the first scene. (Run, Brian, run!)
Larissa plays the same cruel trick Melana did with Adam, acting all smiley and happy; making it seem like she’s picking Brian before she drops the bombshell. She tells Brian he deserves a woman who can say “I love you” back to him, and that she hopes they’ll be lifelong friends. PLEASE, PLEASE tell me she didn’t say that! Lifelong friends? Brian, if you have any words left in you, please Just Say “No”.
Brian is crushed. Brian is heartbroken. I am merely disgusted. My heart is no longer into this.
And the big secret? It comes out while Gill and Larissa are vacationing in Cabo San Lucas, having a great time together – obviously true love. Larissa tells Gill that her last boyfriend was Fabio, and she wanted to tell Gill before he found out another way. Big secret? Big deal! Why is this a devastating secret? I can’t even begin to understand. Gill on the other hand is pretending to take it hard, and tell us “All I can say is put yourself in my position.” Since I’m no longer interested in making jokes about Gill, I’ll leave this very tempting straight line alone. If you have a funny retort to this line, please post it on the Reality TV World message board. At any rate, Gill seems to be grateful for an easy way out, and he departs Cabo without giving Larissa so much as a peck on the cheek. I no longer believe this is a “reality show” as it is clearly as scripted as any weekly recurring TV series.
Oh, the irony of it all. Larissa rejects 18 average guys, and in the end is rejected by a hunk because of her history with a hunk. What goes around comes around. Brian on the other hand has grown emotionally, taken risks, and is a different person than when he started. For Brian, this is the beginning. For me, this is the end.
Thank you, you've been great. Try the fish!